MW vs Single woman involved in affairs..

[MissBee]

I think the playing field is often more level with two married people having an affair.

 

They both have families often, both have spouses, so can understand the other's position a bit more.

 

They both often don't want their families and spouses to find out and it seems they can agree to behaving in a way that aid that goal.

 

Their expectations of each other often (not always though) seem more realistic and they seem to have more of an understanding of what the other person can give and not.

 

And often the two married people are fine staying married and having their affair. Not always of course, but from what I see more are happy to have the affair on one hand and their marriage on the other whereas when one person is single and the other married, it often becomes more about if the MP will leave.

 

I think where one party is single the playing field is not level and it's often that the single person expects to be treated in the same way they would if dating a single person and often treat the MP that way, but often finds themselves more frustrated at the limitations and often things are more skewed towards what the MP wants, is able to do etc. and like I said it seems like less single OW/MM As are where the OW is perfectly happy with the A and would never change it whereas lots of MM/MW in As seem like they would do it forever if they could. I have always and still think two married people having an affair is a more stable ship in many ways than when one person is married and the other single. And when one of the MP divorces or tells their spouse...well that's when the dynamic seems to become more like the single AP and MP scenario, as now it's unequal.

Edited October 4, 2014 by MissBee

[stillafool]

I would say the MW is the fool because she has far more to lose than a SW. Yes a single woman is wasting her time and youth on someone elses husband but a MW is a complete fool to risk losing her husband, home, kids and reputation for someone they probably could never have outside of the bedroom. I also think that the MM will be more jealous of anyone who gets close to the SW because she is free to go out and have fun. He knows where the MW is, at home with her H and kids; but he has to wonder who else the SW might be seeing other than him.

Edited October 4, 2014 by stillafool

[Redheaded Mistress]

I know having an affair itself is bad, but sometimes I feel that when an already married women is involved in an affair, that she is made out to seem as less of a fool than a Single women might be seen.. Do u agree?

 

In my experience based on what I've seen socially, it seems like the single woman having an affair is kind of... I don't know how to explain it. I guess she's made to look like more of a predator. Like a case study in "women, watch your husbands because single women will get whomever they can."

 

But when it's a married woman, it's more of a scandal. I'm not sure why... Maybe it's a shocker because people assume that, as a married woman, she wouldn't do that to another married woman. Some sort of girl-code thing. Or maybe it's because an affair like that means that we've found out two marriages weren't all they were cracked up to be. I don't know.

 

With men, it always seems to trace back to the BS. He's a jerk for cheating, but it's usually followed up with a jab at the wife. "I can't believe he'd be so disgusting to cheat on his wife, but she always was kind of a witch."

[Popsicle]

I know having an affair itself is bad, but sometimes I feel that when an already married women is involved in an affair, that she is made out to seem as less of a fool than a Single women might be seen.. Do u agree?

 

Your thoughts?

 

Yes, I do agree. SOW look like fools. MOW look like cheaters.

[Popsicle]

I also think that the MM will be more jealous of anyone who gets close to the SW because she is free to go out and have fun. He knows where the MW is, at home with her H and kids; but he has to wonder who else the SW might be seeing other than him.

 

 

Correct. Have you ever checked out the sheer volume of MM on Craigslist advertising specifically for a MOW to have "a discreet A" with? There's a REASON why they are wanting a married woman. Because they don't want NO headaches.

[Popsicle]

I think the playing field is often more level with two married people having an affair.

 

They both have families often, both have spouses, so can understand the other's position a bit more.

 

They both often don't want their families and spouses to find out and it seems they can agree to behaving in a way that aid that goal.

 

Their expectations of each other often (not always though) seem more realistic and they seem to have more of an understanding of what the other person can give and not.

 

And often the two married people are fine staying married and having their affair. Not always of course, but from what I see more are happy to have the affair on one hand and their marriage on the other whereas when one person is single and the other married, it often becomes more about if the MP will leave.

 

I think where one party is single the playing field is not level and it's often that the single person expects to be treated in the same way they would if dating a single person and often treat the MP that way, but often finds themselves more frustrated at the limitations and often things are more skewed towards what the MP wants, is able to do etc. and like I said it seems like less single OW/MM As are where the OW is perfectly happy with the A and would never change it whereas lots of MM/MW in As seem like they would do it forever if they could. I have always and still think two married people having an affair is a more stable ship in many ways than when one person is married and the other single. And when one of the MP divorces or tells their spouse...well that's when the dynamic seems to become more like the single AP and MP scenario, as now it's unequal.

 

Yep, you nailed it.

[Minnie09]

I just don't understand how two married people in an A SCHEDULE their get-togethers. It's hard enough when one (or even both) are / is single.

That's gotta be one hell of a scheduling problem.

[Popsicle]

All in all I think the OP is trying to make herself feel better. Suggesting that it could have been worse if she was a SOW. Maybe she's right in a way...

[SawtoothMars]

Please don't get me wrong- I am not trying to say single women who involve with MM are fools, I am just trying to see what ppls thoughts are on how a MW looks being in an affair with a MM, verses a single woman..

Its like, even if the MM cheated the MW in the affair, it went bad or something, its like it doesn't matter for her, because she has the loving husband and home to go to... U know what imean? whereas a single woman might end up feeling like she lost more and looking more cheated and like a fool...

Your thoughts?

 

My thought is that it doesn't matter. Society in general doesn't hold women accountable for cheating.

[Popsicle]

My thought is that it doesn't matter. Society in general doesn't hold women accountable for cheating.

 

No, they don't, and most husbands stay with their WW too.

[DKT3]

Yes, I do agree. SOW look like fools. MOW look like cheaters.

 

Cheaters and fools.

 

Let's not leave out MOM and OM. My brother would always check out other women and I would say boy you better watch it. His response "no worries she isn't worth $7,500/mo my house and seeing my kids every other weekend". His wife put him through med school, well she didn't but it would be hard to convince the judge of that.

[Hope Shimmers]

My thought is that it doesn't matter. Society in general doesn't hold women accountable for cheating.

 

And where did you get that information? Would love to see those facts. Especially the part where society DOES hold the man accountable for cheating.

[DKT3]

No, they don't, and most husbands stay with their WW too.

 

Yeah they stay, for and average of 10 months then their out.

 

Most men don't stay with ww, less them 30%

[Popsicle]

Yeah they stay, for and average of 10 months then their out.

 

Most men don't stay with ww, less them 30%

 

I don't think so.

[DKT3]

I don't think so.

 

I have seen a ton of studies on the topic and never has the number been above 28%. Most are in the 10-15% range. Men simply don't stay with WW's in large numbers.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My thought is that it doesn't matter. Society in general doesn't hold women accountable for cheating.

 

 

From my experience, women are held more accountable on all sides. A WW is deemed almost double at fault than that of a single AP. A BS is held accountable by WS, OW, MOW generally...just because they are a BW.

 

 

That is why it is MORE important for a woman to watch her character, rightly or wrongly a woman wears the scarlet A or the Ho hat during/after an affair more predominantly than a man.

 

I often wonder why women are not more insulted when a man offers this arrangement...as the woman is the one that is going to have to carry the burden of the affair in most cases.

[DKT3]

From my experience, women are held more accountable on all sides. A WW is deemed almost double at fault than that of a single AP. A BS is held accountable by WS, OW, MOW generally...just because they are a BW.

 

 

That is why it is MORE important for a woman to watch her character, rightly or wrongly a woman wears the scarlet A or the Ho hat during/after an affair more predominantly than a man.

 

I often wonder why women are not more insulted when a man offers this arrangement...as the woman is the one that is going to have to carry the burden of the affair in most cases.

 

100% agree. Women are held to a higher standard in this area. Its the whole boys will be boys thing.

[SawtoothMars]

No, they don't, and most husbands stay with their WW too.

 

That's kind of what I'm talking about. I actually got a lot of pressure to patch things up with my cheating xWife. She never got any pressure to stop cheating except from me.

 

And where did you get that information? Would love to see those facts. Especially the part where society DOES hold the man accountable for cheating.

 

When my xwife started cheating, practically everyone asked me what I did to cause it. Also, the divorce process put me at a serious disadvantage for being a man. In particular my xWife's lawyer convinced her that by claiming spousal abuse she could take nearly 100% of our marital assets. To most people's minds it explained why she was cheating and even after I was able to prove it a false accusation it continued to cause me problems.

 

From my experience, women are held more accountable on all sides. A WW is deemed almost double at fault than that of a single AP. A BS is held accountable by WS, OW, MOW generally...just because they are a BW.

That is why it is MORE important for a woman to watch her character, rightly or wrongly a woman wears the scarlet A or the Ho hat during/after an affair more predominantly than a man.

I often wonder why women are not more insulted when a man offers this arrangement...as the woman is the one that is going to have to carry the burden of the affair in most cases.

 

I think this situation depends highly on the people involved. On a personal level... sometimes women are held more accountable... and sometimes not. I think single women tend to get that "home wrecker" label.

 

I was talking at a fairly zoomed out level, as kind of society as a whole. I think it's fair to say that the overall perception is that when a woman cheats it is her husbands fault.

 

100% agree. Women are held to a higher standard in this area. Its the whole boys will be boys thing.

 

I know a lot of you are kind of claiming this... but I don't actually see any real life evidence of it.

 

What specifically are you talking about when you say a "higher standard"? I'm curious to hear your experience.

[Hope Shimmers]

When my xwife started cheating, practically everyone asked me what I did to cause it. Also, the divorce process put me at a serious disadvantage for being a man. In particular my xWife's lawyer convinced her that by claiming spousal abuse she could take nearly 100% of our marital assets. To most people's minds it explained why she was cheating and even after I was able to prove it a false accusation it continued to cause me problems.

 

Ah, that explains it. From your other post it sounded like you were speaking as if it were known and proven fact. But you were just speaking from your own experience and nothing else.

[dichotomy]

I have to agree, the the first response to a wife cheating is that her husband may have caused it, and its emotional not sexual need, while with a man they assume he is just a P hound and there is no emotion in it.

 

We are moving beyond this male/female categorization I hope. Studies and experience is finding out that women can be hounds (have a good husband but want some strange), and men have emotional needs as well. There can be very little difference these days in the motivations or reasons between men and women for affairs.

 

However these old stereotypes still linger - a single OW must have been played or tricked into having sex with a MM, or wants to marry the guy and have his home....but if its a single OM having sex with a MW - well he is a predator and just wants one thing - free sex. Its all bull****, women can be like this too as well as men - and the reverse. Also both (single AP, MS) maybe hounds, or both may have emotional needs. Just too many combinations - dont assume the motivations or causes of a single OW or a MW for cheating.

Edited October 5, 2014 by dichotomy

[Striver]

I have to agree, the the first response to a wife cheating is that her husband may have caused it, and its emotional not sexual need, while with a man they assume he is just a P hound and there is no emotion in it.

 

We are moving beyond this male/female categorization I hope. Studies and experience is finding out that women can be hounds (have a good husband but want some strange), and men have emotional needs as well. There can be very little difference these days in the motivations or reasons between men and women for affairs.

 

However these old stereotypes still linger - a single OW must have been played or tricked into having sex with a MM, or wants to marry the guy and have his home....but if its a single OM having sex with a MW - well he is a predator and just wants one thing - free sex. Its all bull****, women can be like this too as well as men - and the reverse. Also both (single AP, MS) maybe hounds, or both may have emotional needs. Just too many combinations - dont assume the motivations or causes of a single OW or a MW for cheating.

 

There's more. Often, probably frequently, the man or woman complaining about their emotional needs is just an entitled baby.

[AmyBamy]

What I find interesting in this thread is that so many people say that a woman who is married must be satisfied and a single woman must be dissatisfied. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. As someone who was single a long while before meeting my current boyfriend (who was MM briefly in the beginning of our relationship) I cannot even begin to count the times that married people have expressed envy for my situation. How many comments have been made about freedom and not having to consider someone else who may (or may not be) be selfish about their partner's needs.

 

Obviously there are pros and cons to both, relationships and being single, but I don't remember ever wishing I was married in my single years. I sometimes wished I had someone to take out the garbage for me, or someone to make me some soup if I was sick, or someone to help me with the bills sometimes - but none of that was worth giving up happiness for. So my outlook was that if a relationship didn't significantly add to my life then I was perfectly okay being single. I wasn't going to give up that freedom for just anyone or a small amount of a relationship.

 

I think that anyone who thinks a married woman is "more foolish" for having an affair because "they must have all that they need already" is naive beyond belief. Go read the marriage board on this site alone. It's a whole lot of "we aren't having sex", "his family hates me", "she doesn't care about my feelings or my needs", "I'm miserable but don't want to be on my own". It's depressing af over there.

[cocorico]

What I find interesting in this thread is that so many people say that a woman who is married must be satisfied and a single woman must be dissatisfied. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. As someone who was single a long while before meeting my current boyfriend (who was MM briefly in the beginning of our relationship) I cannot even begin to count the times that married people have expressed envy for my situation. How many comments have been made about freedom and not having to consider someone else who may (or may not be) be selfish about their partner's needs.

 

Obviously there are pros and cons to both, relationships and being single, but I don't remember ever wishing I was married in my single years. I sometimes wished I had someone to take out the garbage for me, or someone to make me some soup if I was sick, or someone to help me with the bills sometimes - but none of that was worth giving up happiness for. So my outlook was that if a relationship didn't significantly add to my life then I was perfectly okay being single. I wasn't going to give up that freedom for just anyone or a small amount of a relationship.

 

I think that anyone who thinks a married woman is "more foolish" for having an affair because "they must have all that they need already" is naive beyond belief. Go read the marriage board on this site alone. It's a whole lot of "we aren't having sex", "his family hates me", "she doesn't care about my feelings or my needs", "I'm miserable but don't want to be on my own". It's depressing af over there.

 

Absolutely!

[MissBee]

What I find interesting in this thread is that so many people say that a woman who is married must be satisfied and a single woman must be dissatisfied. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. As someone who was single a long while before meeting my current boyfriend (who was MM briefly in the beginning of our relationship) I cannot even begin to count the times that married people have expressed envy for my situation. How many comments have been made about freedom and not having to consider someone else who may (or may not be) be selfish about their partner's needs.

 

Obviously there are pros and cons to both, relationships and being single, but I don't remember ever wishing I was married in my single years. I sometimes wished I had someone to take out the garbage for me, or someone to make me some soup if I was sick, or someone to help me with the bills sometimes - but none of that was worth giving up happiness for. So my outlook was that if a relationship didn't significantly add to my life then I was perfectly okay being single. I wasn't going to give up that freedom for just anyone or a small amount of a relationship.

 

I think that anyone who thinks a married woman is "more foolish" for having an affair because "they must have all that they need already" is naive beyond belief. Go read the marriage board on this site alone. It's a whole lot of "we aren't having sex", "his family hates me", "she doesn't care about my feelings or my needs", "I'm miserable but don't want to be on my own". It's depressing af over there.

 

I didn't read every single post carefully, but in skimming most of the posts I didn't really see "so many people" arguing about whether or not someone can be unhappily married or whether you can be happy single. I saw no one present an idea that marriage is always satisfying and singlehood is not. I don't think that's what the question the OP posed asked... I see more responses saying why an A with two married people may be a better bet or why a MW has more to lose over a single OW or not, which was the question. I personally didn't see arguments along the lines of what you posed.

 

Most of us have had experiences on the side of being single or in a relationship.I think most people therefore know the realities that relationships are not always happy neither is single hood automatically always happy either, or the reverse, rather it's about you, your life and your outlook. If you have lots of married people saying they envy you it may simply be that you know a lot of unhappily married people...whereas for example I've not had any married people tell me anything of the sort. So it's definitely a reflection of the people you are around.

 

As for looking at LS to prove that people are dissatisfied in marriages...well duh lol...you don't need LS for that. It goes without saying but in any event most people on LS come seeking advice when things aren't going well, when they are unsure, have questions etc, so whether dating or married or in an A, most threads here, not just the marriage board, will be about people's unhappiness or issues. So looking on here tells you the obvious fact that some people are unhappy in their Rs. However, as I said, I saw no one making a blanket argument for all marriages being satisfying or single life automatically being dissatisfying, so I guess I don't see why they'd need that kind of "proof" as I don't think they were trying to say the opposite at all. I see posts answering what's at stake for two married people in an A vs a single person in an A...and I've seen arguments for both sides, some saying the single person is better off in the A and some saying the MW is better off in the A. It depends also on what you're considering. I look at it from the angle: what makes for a more stable A? I say two married folks are better off. Some are looking at it as who has more to lose... so they say the MW is more foolish because if found out she may lose more than a single woman...others look at it as who has more to gain not doing it at all, and say the single woman can just choose not to be in it etc.

Edited October 5, 2014 by MissBee

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

What I find interesting in this thread is that so many people say that a woman who is married must be satisfied and a single woman must be dissatisfied. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. As someone who was single a long while before meeting my current boyfriend (who was MM briefly in the beginning of our relationship) I cannot even begin to count the times that married people have expressed envy for my situation. How many comments have been made about freedom and not having to consider someone else who may (or may not be) be selfish about their partner's needs.

 

Obviously there are pros and cons to both, relationships and being single, but I don't remember ever wishing I was married in my single years. I sometimes wished I had someone to take out the garbage for me, or someone to make me some soup if I was sick, or someone to help me with the bills sometimes - but none of that was worth giving up happiness for. So my outlook was that if a relationship didn't significantly add to my life then I was perfectly okay being single. I wasn't going to give up that freedom for just anyone or a small amount of a relationship.

 

I think that anyone who thinks a married woman is "more foolish" for having an affair because "they must have all that they need already" is naive beyond belief. Go read the marriage board on this site alone. It's a whole lot of "we aren't having sex", "his family hates me", "she doesn't care about my feelings or my needs", "I'm miserable but don't want to be on my own". It's depressing af over there.

 

You do realise youre looking at a skewed sample over there, right? Becaue ill tell you, I find the OW/OM board "depressing af"....but way more frustrating, because most people there went into their stuation with eyes wide open...and still made those choices...but I guess its all a matter of perspective, right?

Edited October 5, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll