Am I Back To Square One?

[JackieOver]

My girlfriend of 9 yrs broke up with me 4 months ago. The first 2 months we talked/texted/emailed each other a lot, arguing and putting blame. All the while I never asked or pleaded for her to come back. The least 3 weeks of those 2 mnths I went full NC.

 

Starting August we reconnected. Hooked up and despite having no expectations, the 1st meeting went excellent. We connected and had a super time. Since then we've been talking/texting on a daily basis and have been getting together (lunch, dinner, evening out) once or twice a week.

 

Each time the connection with my ex became stronger and she became more and more responsive to my touching, flirting and kissing, to the point we even had sex - good sex.

 

Last Sunday we were out and about and what started out as a lunch date ended up at midnight with us having an absolute blast together. That night she even send me a text picture of herself (which was totally unexpected).

 

Monday comes, and all is well. We talk as we've been doing for the past 2 months, have fun, flirt on the phone, tease each other.

 

Tuesday she calls me and all is well until I tell her I am headed for the mountains for a few days. Her total demeanor changed instantly. She wanted to know what made me decide to do that. When I tell her it was a spur of the moment thing, she becomes even more distant and tells me she is having lunch and has to go.

 

No more contact either way until Thursday early afternoon when she calls me and asks me how I am doing. I was surprised to hear from her and asked her jokingly "are you missing me already?". Wrong joke I gather because once again her entire demeanor changed. Once again she said she was having lunch and had to go. And that was that.

 

TIDBIT: When my ex broke up with me she immediately started dating a guy she works with. Last Sunday she volunteered on her own, without me asking that she ended it with the guy (don't know if this is true or not).

 

QUESTION: Is my ex playing me or is she actually upset because I am now doing things on my own without involving her or letting her know? Am I back to square one? If so, what course of action should I take with her now?

 

Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks!

[Redhead14]

Four months is not enough time for either of you to process the break up. It is likely that you are both seeking comfort by trying to go back to the person you used to be comfortable with.

 

I'm guessing, as well, that the reason she pulled away after you telling her that you were going away, is because she doesn't like that you are continuing with your life without her and that since it appears that things aren't going as well as she'd hoped after the break up for her, that you'd be all in, maybe even invited her to go away with you.

 

She will continue the dance of coming in and pulling away until she finds her own way/life. In addition, she may still be thinking about the reasons you two broke up in the first place and just plain uncertain about what she wants.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Redhead14

[Chi townD]

The second one. She was trying to reconnect with you and she maybe wanted to spring some weekend plan she thought you could do together, but you blindsided her with your trip to the mountains.

 

 

Her insecurity is showing. She knows that YOU know she dated someone right after she was with you and was probably intimate with that guy. Now, you're saying that you're going to the mountains and hundred and one questions are going through her head right now. "Why is he going away? Is he taking someone else with him up there? Is that why he didn't ask me to go with him? Am I just his little 'bit on the side' until someone else comes along? Is he or isn't he interested in me anymore?" Just a whole bunch of stupid crap is going through her head.

 

 

You two are dancing around what's really going on here. Do you want to be with her? Then, you need to talk to her about it.

[JackieOver]

Dear Redhead14;

 

Thanks for the response. You're offering great insight. One thing I should mention (in my defense perhaps ??):

 

All the time we've spend together getting reconnected and getting closer to each other, she told me that she wants to get back together with me but that she needs more time because she wants to be 'emotionally ready' for me when she does.

 

She said "As you know I hold grudges and am revengeful to some extend and there have been times I have been treating you badly because of my inability to 'forgive and forget'. I don't want to be this way with you anymore, especially since you are not like that at all and I want to be sure when I come back to you I am ready for embrace you completely without any resentment of any kind."

 

It's because of that statement that I haven't asked her to go with me to places I visited since we broke up (although I know she loves to travel).

 

What are you thoughts on this? Thanks

[JackieOver]

BTW: her birthday is next week and I asked her 2 weeks ago to have a weekend away and celebrate her birthday in a resort.

 

She answered: "I really like that idea but I'll let you know!".

 

I asked her since once again about us going away for the weekend on her birthday and once again her response was "I'll let you know!". I told her to let me know if she changes her mind and left it at that.

 

It seems to me that no matter what I do I can't win: I go out on my own she gets upset. I ask her to go with me and she turns me down".

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[NopeNah]

I agree with chi.. Only, I'd wait until you get back from the mtns before talking about anything serious. It could and probably would ruin your trip. It will also give you some time to reflect on what you want to actually do.

[NopeNah]

She basically only wants to be with you on her terms. "DAT ain't right!!" Go NC until you get back then meet up, if you still want, and lay it out on your terms. IMO

[JackieOver]

Hi Chi TownD;

 

I agree with you with the 'dancing around part'. I have actually been feeling that way for some time however:

 

I did make it clear to her in very precise language that I want us to get back together and be a couple again.

 

During one of our get togethers she asked me what I wanted from us. I looked straight in her eyes and told her without hesitation of flinching: "I want you!". She smiled and said: "I am glad you feel that way because I want you too!".

 

I must point however that at that time she was seeing this other guy and I gather although she meant what she said to me at that time, the other guy was 'stopping' her from acting on it.

[Redhead14]

Dear Redhead14;

 

Thanks for the response. You're offering great insight. One thing I should mention (in my defense perhaps ??):

 

All the time we've spend together getting reconnected and getting closer to each other, she told me that she wants to get back together with me but that she needs more time because she wants to be 'emotionally ready' for me when she does.

 

She said "As you know I hold grudges and am revengeful to some extend and there have been times I have been treating you badly because of my inability to 'forgive and forget'. I don't want to be this way with you anymore, especially since you are not like that at all and I want to be sure when I come back to you I am ready for embrace you completely without any resentment of any kind."

 

It's because of that statement that I haven't asked her to go with me to places I visited since we broke up (although I know she loves to travel).

 

What are you thoughts on this? Thanks

 

"she needs more time because she wants to be 'emotionally ready' for me when she does." Believe her when she says this. When she does fully process and "become emotionally" ready she will have re-evaluated your relationship, good and negative. Resentment is an emotion that runs very deep. I recommend that you don't spend too much time with her. Stay somewhat distant. Pressure or the sense of pressure will push her away. The fact that she dated someone else very shortly after your break up, was not a healthy way for her to attempt dealing with the break up. Since it didn't work out, she's probably a little afraid to venture out and still needing you as a crutch. She may only think she wants to get back with you. She needs to reflect on the things that caused the break up. Dating someone else distracted her from that process. I doubt she really knows what she wants yet. She can say she does, but it's unlikely.

 

I'd say you should spend more time working on you and preparing yourself to live your life without her. You can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And, Don't invite her on trips! If she is going to come back to you, she needs to get over you, and then you let her come to you.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

"she needs more time because she wants to be 'emotionally ready' for me when she does." Believe her when she says this. When she does fully process and "become emotionally" ready she will have re-evaluated your relationship, good and negative. Resentment is an emotion that runs very deep. I recommend that you don't spend too much time with her. Stay somewhat distant. Pressure or the sense of pressure will push her away. The fact that she dated someone else very shortly after your break up, was not a healthy way for her to attempt dealing with the break up. Since it didn't work out, she's probably a little afraid to venture out and still needing you as a crutch. She may only think she wants to get back with you. She needs to reflect on the things that caused the break up. Dating someone else distracted her from that process. I doubt she really knows what she wants yet. She can say she does, but it's unlikely.

 

I'd say you should spend more time working on you and preparing yourself to live your life without her. You can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And, Don't invite her on trips! If she is going to come back to you, she needs to get over you, and then you let her come to you.

 

Don't invite her on trips! "I really like that idea but I'll let you know!". This is a mixed message in and of itself. She wants to go, but not sure enough to respond with a yes.

[Chi townD]

Then, you need to put your foot down. You need clarity of where you stand. You need to say, "Are we together or not? Are we going to work on our issues or are we parting ways?" If she's still firm on you two not being together, then you need to start a hard NC. Do not text, call or email her and don't respond to any of hers. Totally ignore it. Block her on Facebook and all other forms of social media.

 

 

Problem is, I think she might be cooling her heels with you until something else comes along. I believe she's on the lookout. Kinda explains why she won't commit to your weekend getaway birthday gift. Makes me think she waiting for someone else to firm up something else for that weekend. And if they don't...well, she's got you and your offer as a backup plan.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Chi townD

[JackieOver]

Hi Redhead14;

 

I actually did work on me in the 4 months post our breakup: I lost a ton of weight, got in great shape, bought a new car, started a new business, joined a fitness club, made new friends, got a haircut (went from very long hair to short), moved to a new apartment and am learning how to play the organ.

 

She on the other hand kind of 'got stuck in a rut' since the breakup. She's still living with her brothers and their girlfriends, she's still working the same job she hates, she's still broke and she put on a serious amount of weight.

 

I gather you are right that she didn't get a chance to process her emotions because immediately after the breakup she got involved with another man, who, per what she told me, was controlling from the get go (something she detests), has a big ego, a slue of health problems and supposedly already betrayed her trust.

 

As such I can understand she needs more time to get herself to a place (emotionally at least) where she feels good about herself again and figure out what she really wants.

 

My concern is that if I pull back a bit from her, now that is obviously most vulnerable, she may actually become even more devastated and become even more insecure than she already is.

 

I really don't want to cause her more pain. I would actually like to help her "heal" even if it ends up with us not getting back together again.

[JackieOver]

Hi Chi TownD;

 

Thanks; you probably hit the head on the nail. Like I mentioned she told me last Sunday she broke it off with her new boyfriend but I am not actually certain she really did. Could well be she's just telling me that to keep me 'hooked on her' while two-timing me behind my back.

 

Could well be she's telling me "I let you know" because he and her may well be making plans to go away on her birthday weekend and if that plan falls through she'll take me up on my offer.

 

I have to say though that her natural tendency is to be very indecisive and she takes a long time to weight pros and cons before making up her mind.

 

Although if she means all the things she's been telling (and they are plenty) about us being back together, our future together, that she misses me very much, that she still loves, etc., I have to say she certainly hasn't backed up most of her statements with actual action proving she means it.

 

Just a thought.

[Redhead14]

Hi Redhead14;

 

I actually did work on me in the 4 months post our breakup: I lost a ton of weight, got in great shape, bought a new car, started a new business, joined a fitness club, made new friends, got a haircut (went from very long hair to short), moved to a new apartment and am learning how to play the organ.

 

She on the other hand kind of 'got stuck in a rut' since the breakup. She's still living with her brothers and their girlfriends, she's still working the same job she hates, she's still broke and she put on a serious amount of weight.

 

I gather you are right that she didn't get a chance to process her emotions because immediately after the breakup she got involved with another man, who, per what she told me, was controlling from the get go (something she detests), has a big ego, a slue of health problems and supposedly already betrayed her trust.

 

As such I can understand she needs more time to get herself to a place (emotionally at least) where she feels good about herself again and figure out what she really wants.

 

My concern is that if I pull back a bit from her, now that is obviously most vulnerable, she may actually become even more devastated and become even more insecure than she already is.

 

I really don't want to cause her more pain. I would actually like to help her "heal" even if it ends up with us not getting back together again.

 

You can help her heal by being a little more distant. She can seek support and advise from friends and family. You should not be her crutch. She is leaning on the past relationship, which is broken. It's not healthy for you nor is it healthy for her. You can talk to her, just be friendly and listen supportively. I would advise that you don't talk about the past relationship or a future relationship with her in any detail for quite a while. Keep it light and friendly and about anything else but that. You need to allow time to work it's magic. That is not happening now.

 

This is a departure from my usual, "if you break up with someone, you break up with them" stance, but the fact that you were together for nine months and she herself actually stated she needs time, I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that she is mature enough to handle this.

[JackieOver]

Dear Redhead14;

 

Allow me to correct you: we weren't together for 9 months but for 9 years.

 

Since she broke up with me she's told me repeatedly that 9 years is a long time to be together with someone and she can't just 'let go just like that'.

 

She also told me that 9 years far outweigh the 4 months with her new boyfriend and that she doesn't want to throw those 9 years away.

 

Like I said: she has a difficult time making up her mind in any situation, even when it comes to something as simple as ordering dinner. She's always back and forth with her thoughts and analyzes and over analyzes everything multiple times before she finally decides.

 

I gather it's best I become a bit distant, give her the time and space she's asking for, see her less and talk to her so now and then. If she's still will her new boyfriend, I gather my distance will also shed light on that relationship as to whether or not it's a situation she still wants to be in.

[Redhead14]

Dear Redhead14;

 

Allow me to correct you: we weren't together for 9 months but for 9 years.

 

Since she broke up with me she's told me repeatedly that 9 years is a long time to be together with someone and she can't just 'let go just like that'.

 

She also told me that 9 years far outweigh the 4 months with her new boyfriend and that she doesn't want to throw those 9 years away.

 

Like I said: she has a difficult time making up her mind in any situation, even when it comes to something as simple as ordering dinner. She's always back and forth with her thoughts and analyzes and over analyzes everything multiple times before she finally decides.

 

I gather it's best I become a bit distant, give her the time and space she's asking for, see her less and talk to her so now and then. If she's still will her new boyfriend, I gather my distance will also shed light on that relationship as to whether or not it's a situation she still wants to be in.

 

Yes, I mean't 9 years. Now you've got it. This will allow for clarity. You don't need to cut her off, just step back. This is not about games, this is about human nature and allowing the natural course of things.

[Itspointless]

She also told me that 9 years far outweigh the 4 months with her new boyfriend and that she doesn't want to throw those 9 years away.

You must be a saint as the fact she was four months with another man does not put you off after being so long together.

 

I wish you wisdom

[JackieOver]

Hi ItsPointLess;

 

Hehe, no I am not a saint but I am obviously naive; enough so that she has managed to string me along effectively for 4 mnths.

 

However, after all the responses I have decided to step aside and let her be. I hand wrote a letter today telling her exactly how I feel about her being with a new man while she is having sex with me and tells me she wants to get back with me after she's had time to be 'emotionally ready'.

 

I told her that she should take all the time she needs to be emotionally ready once again and let me know when she's reached that point. If at that time she is single, I would be willing to sit down with her and talk about a possible beginning of a brand new relationship between us.

 

I mailed the letter today. She should have it no later than Monday. Once she reads the letter there will be 3 possible outcomes as I see it:

 

1. she'll seriously take the time to clear her mind and her emotions and dump her boyfriend and start again with me.

 

2. she'll tell me to get lost for good (which I am now actually ok with).

 

3. she'll tell us both to get lost, be single for a while and find herself a completely new man (I am OK with that too).

 

We'll just have to wait and see.

 

Thanks everyone for the great advice. It helped a lot.

[Itspointless]

Hi ItsPointLess;

 

Hehe, no I am not a saint but I am obviously naive; enough so that she has managed to string me along effectively for 4 mnths.

 

However, after all the responses I have decided to step aside and let her be. I hand wrote a letter today telling her exactly how I feel about her being with a new man while she is having sex with me and tells me she wants to get back with me after she's had time to be 'emotionally ready'.

 

I told her that she should take all the time she needs to be emotionally ready once again and let me know when she's reached that point. If at that time she is single, I would be willing to sit down with her and talk about a possible beginning of a brand new relationship between us.

 

I mailed the letter today. She should have it no later than Monday. Once she reads the letter there will be 3 possible outcomes as I see it:

 

1. she'll seriously take the time to clear her mind and her emotions and dump her boyfriend and start again with me.

 

2. she'll tell me to get lost for good (which I am now actually ok with).

 

3. she'll tell us both to get lost, be single for a while and find herself a completely new man (I am OK with that too).

 

We'll just have to wait and see.

 

Thanks everyone for the great advice. It helped a lot.

Hi JackieOver, thank you for your reaction.

 

I think at this point this is a move that will hopefully give you something of your strength back. You still make her the judge and give her all the power. That is something people on this - and other forums do not advice - as you are worth in your own rights. Taking a break though is a wise thing for you to do. I woudn't be surprised if she came back after a while to discus you will feel and think different about it. I am sorry for you though it all must be hard after being together for nine years.

[JackieOver]

Hi IsPointLess;

 

You are right I am letting her 'make the decision' what she wants to do with the 9 yrs we had together and who she wants to be with in the end. You are right that I am letting her 'lead' the direction of where her and I will end up (together again or over and done for good).

 

I am not about playing mind games, power and control in a relationship. I am about honesty and sharing real feelings and if she takes that as she being in the 'driver's seat' and can now keep stringing me along for as long as she sees fit, that is her problem, not mine.

 

I wrote in the letter that although I will give her the time to clear her mind and be 'emotionally ready' again, I made it clear I am not going to wait on her to make up her mind forever.

 

I did not set a 'specific' deadline but I have one in my mind (giving her ample time). If by then she's still on the fence about getting back with me, is still dating this new guy (or another one), I am moving on without looking back.

 

So while she may think she has the power and the control, ultimately I do, because even if after she decides she wants to be with me again, it is up to me to accept (or reject) her offer.

 

Thanks for your sentiment: yes it does hurt something awful being dumped and being replaced by another guy when you spend 9 yrs with the person you were convinced was your soul-mate, you loved completely and unconditionally and you were convinced you would be with forever.

Edited October 5, 2014 by JackieOver

[Itspointless]

You deserve to be treated as she wants to be treated herself. I hope it will work out for you whatever the outcome. Be prepared that no answer can be hurtful again.