isisisweeping Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Okay, so a bit back I told everyone I was not ready for a relationship and it was all well and good, but as will happen, things creeped back in. Including for one guy I would date at this juncture which seems to suggest that I'm capable of dating even if I still feel a little weird about the time investment in my life at this point, and the little niggling reminders that while I don't care much if I'm single now I might not want to be so forever and I'm just getting older. Unfortunately, the guy I'm interested in gave me the same line I gave every other guy who has pursued me - not ready for a relationship right now; too much going on in life. For some reason, while I tend to roll with outright rejections, I've had more difficulty with this. In terms of humor, intellect, personality, and hobbies, he was an excellent match for me, in addition to me finding him exceptionally attractive in a way that is not normal for me. (Intellectual attraction is my thing, normally, not physical, but both are here.) We are attempting to be friends. (NOT friends with benefits. Just friends.) I do have several guys pursuing me, and pursuing me hard. I'm putting them off -not giving them a real chance - not because of anything about them but because my brain is thinking "Well, after a period of time, first guy will be available, I don't mind being single, and I'd like to see what happens there." Which is silly, because waiting an indeterminate amount of time for a guy is silly, and the guy doesn't even want me to wait, he has encouraged me to date or whatever I need to be happy. (Which to me suggests maybe he's not that interested even when he starts dating again, but on the other hand he's an exceptionally honest person.) I'm also thinking that my trend is not short relationships. If I'm willing to date, and don't hold off, it tends to be long relationships and every one of the guys pursuing me have expressed desire for that even at this point and actions that back it up. And it wouldn't be fair to do that if I have any hope about what might happen when this guy is free, or to keep him as a friend at that point unless feelings subside. (A couple of these guys are just as conventionally attractive - one much moreso - so it's really not about that. And they are great guys. Every one of them is intelligent, funny, etc. A couple have been pursuing me since before I decided I wasn't ready.) So how do I get over a guy who has intrigued me in a way I have not been before and simply move on, without an outright no? I am so monogamous by nature that it's hard with affections to give a chance elsewhere even not in a committed relationship. My friends have suggested ignoring it and just going out with the other guys -which I have tried- and letting them distract me... but it seems terribly unfair, especially if they aren't apprised of the situation and just think I'm hard to get. I want to be fair to everyone involved - including myself. (In all of these I have been clear that at this point anything is casual though I'm open for more. There have been requests for more already. :/) I can't seem to think the interest away, or the part of me that is like, DERP I can wait. Advice?
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 You just need to come to terms with the fact that 'I'm just not ready for a relationship right now' is ALWAYS code for 'I don't want a relationship with you'. When he starts dating again, you won't have a chance, because if he liked you in THAT way, he'd be dating you now. It's harsh but true. He is too soft to outright reject you, perhaps he doesn't want to hurt you or maybe he wants to keep the door open for a booty call in the future. But he isn't into you enough to date you, that should be all you need to know to move on. Do you really think that if he liked you romantically/sexually, he'd be encouraging you to get out and date other men? It sucks but it's the truth and I'm sure many other people will be along soon to tell me that I'm right. We all have to learn someday that not every sentence a guy or girl utters is the 100% truth. You have been rejected. 3
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Even though I have a similar mind set about attraction to a basic level... I never had a physical attraction being so strong, so to me that would probably rock my world, as it would be a new experience on top of what I may find further along. Though, I can relate in that once you have your mind set on the physicals it becomes another bond that your attraction holds on to. I have slowly experienced every type of emotion and bond with my current LDR. Most one at a time. Being that I know there are various levels to attraction, having a strong mental connection and trust is fairly strong when deep love is shared equally. But when you add the physical traits, it feels like it doubles and releases hidden passions that you feel should be saved for later. My LDR started blindly and through time we allowed more and more to be shared, being physical the last part to our attractions for each other. I don't know what else to expect, as every time I think this is all there is, something more happens that makes me feel even more in love. Oh, when we have each other in our arms, that will probably be the explosive fireworks to finalize our passions being met. So, I will have even more feelings to look forward to. All I can say is, allow things to progress the way you both feel comfy with. No rushes, just savor what you feel, as it is so new to you. In due time you both will feel you are both on the same page. Just he needs to get a few pages written before he can write them with you.
Author isisisweeping Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) It sucks but it's the truth and I'm sure many other people will be along soon to tell me that I'm right. We all have to learn someday that not every sentence a guy or girl utters is the 100% truth. You have been rejected. I've said it and meant it before though... And did date the guy later. And encouraged him to date because who wants to be that a-hole with a person pining while you cannot reciprocate? He is a very honest person. I have considered bringing it up that I prefer honesty to being nice in case. And wondered. Though it's really irrelevant in either case. It's senseless. And I do need to get over it either way. Edited October 3, 2014 by isisisweeping
Crila16 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Acrosstheuniverse just nailed it on the head. I couldn't have said it any better. 2
Assasda Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Seems like youre carrying a torch for this guy, even though he does not want to be with you right now. I know it can be hard, when you think youve found something special, that you havent had before. Youve got to move on though. Keep the guy in your rolodex, so he can contact you whenever he might be ready, but you need to live your own life 1
Author isisisweeping Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 For further info, he's doing something with work over the next several months which means he's not in state much and just got out of a 6 year relationship.... It seems like it might be plausible. But it's still irrelevant because waiting for what may or may not be is ridiculous so I need to know HOW to move on without the guy saying he doesn't like me.
CaliGuy Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Simply put if you value your own self worth on what OTHERS think of you, you will NEVER find happiness.... Find your own self-worth first and Mr. Right will knock your doors down and scream "I WANT YOU!!!" 1
HappyLove Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Beauty fades. Don't waste time waiting on someone who can't be bothered. You won't always have men beating your door down to date you so don't be foolish and possibly miss out on a great relationship with a man who is interested. 2
Author isisisweeping Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 Simply put if you value your own self worth on what OTHERS think of you, you will NEVER find happiness.... Find your own self-worth first and Mr. Right will knock your doors down and scream "I WANT YOU!!!" I have no issues with my self worth. I feel quite good about myself and what I have to offer. Though I'm feeling a little bit like a bi*** in the current state of affairs regarding the other guys. Generally I know I'm a good person and have a lot of exceptional qualities. 1
mightycpa Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 If it is a given that what AcrosstheUniverse says is true, then why not ask him about it directly? You might use your own experience as an example, guys pursuing you hard, but you're not really interested, so you tell them "not ready right now", but is really mean "not all that interested". Now you meet this guy, he interests you in a big way, but he seems uninterested. Are you reading him wrong? Does "not ready right now" actually mean what you mean when you say it? An honest conversation, given what you're like, would probably bear the most fruit. Put yourself out there. How could it hurt you?
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