Morgana Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I've never been really lucky in love, never meeting someone with whom I really clicked. I've had a busy year and during the summer holiday I decided to go on a dating site again. This was a site where you were linked by the site and had to chat for eight minutes before pictures were revealed. The first guy I met was..let's call him: James. We started talking and immediately I felt comfortable, like I could tell him anything. It's safe to say we hit it off and though I couldn't quite determine from his pictures if he was super cute or not, I still really liked him. I gave him my number and we apped all the time, eventually we skyped (completely fell in love then) and phoned and had our first date the week after we 'met'. I knew he had a baby and an ex wife whom he was still in the process of divorcing. I asked him if he was ready for a relationship and he said he was, because their marriage had ended a while ago. She did however cheat on him and sh*t really crumbled only weeks before I met him. We were adorable together and were both equally in love. We laughed and talked about anything and it felt like this was the guy I've been waiting for. He said he hoped I was his last while I was happy he was my first love and also hoped that he would be the last. He lives quite far away and we became official boyfriend/girlfriend the second time we met (our first date lasted 8 hours). It all felt natural and right. But then I went on holiday and he became a bit quiet. He had had a minor surgery and became ill and had to lie down a lot. After a little questioning from me (because first he said he was just tired and that's why he was quiet) he admitted that he had discovered unresolved issues and had to deal with them. This made sense to me and I understood. It was very hard for me because he didn't really say what he wanted from (to be left alone or not) so it was hard when he ignored me on and off. Then things got better and he said things were getting better and he wanted to see me again. He was supposed to pick me up and drive to his hometown. His phone broke down that day but he had access to facebook and messaged me occasionally about his phone. When I asked about our plans that night, he didn't respond. He used his sister's phone to call the phone company, but not me. I didn't hear after him for a day and a half and I thought I'd never see him again. Then he sent a message explaining it and feeling extremely guilty and sorry. We skyped again and I wasn't angry because I understood and he had apologised. Then a few days later I got a text message saying he was in love with someone else but it turned out friends had sent that message. I am mentioning this, because it turned out one of his borderline friends was in love with him and had something to do with that message. But when she contacted me saying she was in love with him and was also harassing him, he withdrew, never asking me what she had said to me or if I was okay or even to let me know that WE were still okay. But before that happened I went to see him and at some point he got upset saying a relationship was all too much for him because he felt like he couldn't deliver something he promised. Which previous actions had shown. So we agreed to still be in each other's lives (friends) until he could sort himself out and then we could resume. This idea was fine with me, because I knew what he was like those first two weeks and how he had been acting lately was not who James is. I want him whole when he goes into a relationship with me. But then the thing with the borderline girl happened and I really didn't like how when it came to communication he still wasn't very clear. Then I heard SO little from him the next three weeks and all this time I figured he must have been really struggling and I felt stupid complaining about how I missed him and felt neglected. Eventually I did tell him and he said he didn't know and he started talking more. Then we skyped (finally) and I mentioned it again and he said he had been really busy with work and that it had nothing to do with anything else. This went well for like two skype sessions and then we were supposed to skype again, he didn't show but never explained why he didn't show. This was kind of the final straw. I sent him a message saying I had enough and he sent a message (two days later!) that he wasn't playing games, that good things happened but also bad things because he had fights with his ex about his son and he didn't feel like seeing anybody. But why didn't he tell me that before? I've felt so on the outside these past few weeks, and I can see he's trying, I know he's very sweet and sensitive and he doesn't want to lose me, but I do feel really neglected, even as a friend. Because I get the feeling he doesn't treat his other friends this way. Now I know the distance doesn't help and perhaps because he's in love with me, he wants that distance, but then he should have said so sooner. Sometimes I wonder if he has an emotional burn-out or something like that, because he mentioned before he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He wants to go to a psychologist, but not sure when he'll do that since he's very busy with work. Also, it hurts when he says good things also happened because I don't know what those are and I'm not part of them. I told him that too. And that I just get signals that he doesn't want to talk to me and how does he think it makes me feel when he ditches me and doesn't even explain, or mentions he doesn't want to talk about it, but we are still okay or something like that. I told him it seems that there's no room for me in his head and until there is we can talk and see where we are. I know I did the right thing in distancing myself, mainly to protect my feelings, but it's hard not knowing anything at all. And every time I see something on Facebook I get upset, because he does look sad, but he is still doing some things with friends. He also has a lot of female friends, and I'm just jealous of ALL his friends to be able to see him and talk to him. And I posted something nice when he said something about a cold and he didn't like the response even though he likes all the responses and later he posted some picture of yummy food and one of his female friends said: yooo and he said: it doesn't compare to the delicious things you post. Something like that, and I just kind of broke, because can post that but he can't even respond to me when I say something nice. Or to my message about taking a step back. And I get that it's easier to sort everything out before replying, because maybe he doesn't know what to say or he feels guilty, but because I simply don't know, it's very hard! All I can do is guess. And I just miss him soooooooo much. What if he never contacts me again? I don't know, I just feel very lost and very sad without him. It seems unlikely, because I do believe his feelings are true, that he would never contact me again, but since I'm so out of the loop, I just don't know, you know? Sorry for the long story and any advice is welcome! Virtual hugs too!
Leilah Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I sort of skimmed your post so I apologize in advance if I missed something. I've learned that in order to get a guy's attention, you need to avoid giving him attention (and this is only if he's already somewhat interested in you). Guys are like cats in the sense that they'll run away if you chase them. If you've already communicated your needs to him and he hasn't made an effort to "fix" things, take a step back and go no contact for awhile. It will give you perspective on the situation and give him time to come to the realization that you're "missing". Also, avoid sites like Facebook when you're in a relationship. In fact, I don't even have my SO added as a friend, because I know we will misinterpret a comment or a photo eventually. Facebook just ruins relationships imo. If all else fails, get the hell out of there, because it's not worth being sad all of the time. 1
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Your first mistake was to meet a man not even out of his marriage. Don't date men freshly out of relationships, period ! Of course he said he was ready to date someone, he's confused and he doesn't even know he's lying to himself! On the other end YOU are not confused your common sense should have been used. Your entire post is the consequence of your mistake number 1. Associating with a man only weeks out of a relationship and not even divorced yet. His sudden lack of interest, him ignoring your communication, flat out leaving you out, then admitting to loving someone else and all this within ONE week ! What exactly did he do to deserve the name of 'soul mate'! He was in-love with you last week, he's in love with someone else this week. What is his love worth? You got caught in a dream, now it's over. It's time to learn a lesson out of this. I suggest the lesson learn be 'do not date men freshly out of relationships'. I am sorry you are heartbroken, in a couple of weeks you won't remember his first name. 4
Mrs Carter Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Personality Disorder. I'm sorry you got caught up in it. It won't get better, he will be always emotionally unstable and unreliable. It always starts fast like this because they mirror you and copy you, so you think he is a soulmate. Then the instability kicks in. You have to walk away before he damages you further.
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Hate to say it but your situation sounds a bit like mine. You were the rebound. He probably didn't know it, he probably "thought" he was good to go but then all of a sudden it hits them and boom. They can't cope. You did nothing wrong. Now it hurts like hell because you don't understand and he is probably a fantastic guy. Lick your wounds, get rid of bloomin' facebook, texts, photos etc and spend some time painting your nails, getting your hair done, going to the zoo or what ever makes you happy. Keep away from him and do you best to forgive and forget. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 You did nothing wrong. Now it hurts like hell because you don't understand and he is probably a fantastic guy. Um... if she's looking for a stable, mature, long relationship she did EVERYTHING wrong. Firstly, you got involved with a man whose marriage had only very very recently ended (weeks!? You shouldn't really date anyone who hasn't been divorced for at least six months minimum). You were a rebound. Secondly, you move WAY too fast. Honestly, you state you fell in love with Skype within the first week of speaking to him online. You have an extremely immature view of relationships which isn't doing you any favours. Thirdly, you believe any old crap he tells you. His friends sent a message saying he was in love with someone else, how old is he? Twelve? He goes out of contact then gets back in touch saying nothing's wrong and you believe him. He ignores your plans and doesn't speak to you about meeting up when he's already arranged to do so, and blames it on his phone, and you believe him. When he goes off the radar for weeks you spend it worrying that he's struggling emotionally, basing all of this on TWO WEEKS of dating. I can't believe how gullible you are. Fourth... stating you're now boyfriend/girlfriend the second time you meet!? The guy probably fancied a rebound fling, got in over his head and then couldn't handle telling you that you needed to back off and that it was all over. True, that first whirlwind two weeks is just as much fault as his, but he's not here for us to discuss it with and you can only manage your own behaviours, not his. Look at how much you've written about a guy you dated for two weeks, how much drama there is. Why do you think that this is all you're worth, why is this something you'll accept? Well done for finally putting an end to it but I would say you probably need therapy to deal with the skewed way you see/handle relationships, because if you go at any new relationship in this manner then nothing will ever last. I'm not saying that to be nasty, it's a genuine opinion based on what you've said. What are people thinking saying it's his fault, he has a personality disorder? This whole thing is messed up and it sounds like the OP is just as much as fault as he is, if not more (you should be able to protect yourself from jumping in the deep end with a freshly split man with an ex and a kid, irregardless of how fast he wants to push it). Did you have sex? 1
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Um... if she's looking for a stable, mature, long relationship she did EVERYTHING wrong. Firstly, you got involved with a man whose marriage had only very very recently ended (weeks!? You shouldn't really date anyone who hasn't been divorced for at least six months minimum). You were a rebound. Give the girl a break. She got involved with a man who told her that he was over his wife. Its all very good and well with hindsight but laying into her like this is not going to help. Right now she needs some kind words and a gentle push to get her in the right direction so this does not happen again. Sometimes we are gullible. Sometimes we do fall for it. And yes sometimes the only mistake we make is to care when we shouldn't. I am not going to bash the girl for that. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Give the girl a break. She got involved with a man who told her that he was over his wife. Its all very good and well with hindsight but laying into her like this is not going to help. Right now she needs some kind words and a gentle push to get her in the right direction so this does not happen again. Sometimes we are gullible. Sometimes we do fall for it. And yes sometimes the only mistake we make is to care when we shouldn't. I am not going to bash the girl for that. Yes, getting involved with somebody when they state they're over their wife is one thing. It's quite another, to have declared true love for somebody before you've ever met, and to then jump into it so head over heels that you completely fail to spot any blatant red flags that clue you into the fact that it's not working even slightly after the first fortnight. Kind words are one thing but I feel if everyone sits and says 'oh poor you, you really go suckered up by a horrible man, it's not your fault' then she will have no idea that this behaviour is damaging and bizarre and it will be normalised to her... only for her to do it all over again next time. I already said in my post I wasn't trying to be nasty, that I am giving my genuine opinion, which is what the OP asked for. We have indeed all been there, been gullible and fallen for somebody we shouldn't have. But I think it's rare to see a post on here with such a lack of insight and destructive behaviour, it's not really the norm. It's more the fact that the OP didn't even see it wasn't really working and kept accepting crap from the guy that concerns me, as if you can't see when you're being lied to or used you're not going to achieve a very healthy relationship or be able to weed out the stuff that isn't right. Even at the end she's still worrying 'what if he never speaks to me again?' when he stopped caring a long while back. That's sad, in the true sense of the word. I haven't been abusive. I just don't think this is something worth sugarcoating. She's welcome to ignore everything I said but I'm also welcome to reply like everybody else. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) You know as well as I do that she will be back again getting advice in the next couple of days. We can steer her in the right direction then when she has had a chance to shed some tears and be open to it. The poor girl has probably been frightened off for life. Yes her post sounds naive which is why I haven't gone at her hammer and tongs. Most of us when we first post are like this. I know I was and sometimes when you are whisked off of your feet and been bowled along by things its hard to keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds. Back to topic. Have a look through some of the other threads on here dealing with rebounds, those who go out and get rebounds and being the rebound. Also take a look at <BaggageReclaim> Edited October 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted commercial link
FitChick Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 She got involved with a man who told her that he was over his wife. Getting over the wife or husband isn't the whole deal. Just because someone won't go back to their spouse doesn't mean they will want to marry you. Never get involved with someone "officially" divorced for less than two years. They are not ready to commit to anyone. 2
Crila16 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I met a guy last week who was just recently separated from his wife. He called and asked me out and I said "absolutely not...i haven't got time for the pain and drama" (he originally told me he was divorced a year.) I told him to call me in 3 years when the divorce was finalized. Anyway...he doesn't sound like a soul mate to me. Soul mates are ready when you are, and you fit together like two little puzzle pieces in all aspects of your life. This relationship is actually sounding kind of not something I'd ever want to be involved in. I never picture this type of drama and over-analyzing when I think of soul mate. So...on that note. It sounds like you're rebound girl. I'm sorry...but you really should never get involved with someone who is going through this...and it's a shame you're now attached and he got you involved.
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