Anna84 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I don't think I've ever felt this way about someone who I've never even kissed, barely touched, not even spoken to lovingly. All we ever did was lock eyes, touch each other slightly - in fact it would be him that would touch me - without fail he'd give me a box or a high five after work, every day. Ofttimes he'd stroke or tap my wrist, my bare back with a flat hand, or squeeze my shoulder for just a little 'too' long. Every touch would send little bolts of electricity straight through me. To me, the ambiguous comments he'd make, compliments disguised as jokes and little provocations couldn't have been topped by the sweetest bloody serenades. This has been going on for 7 months - my reaction to the above is clearly that I've developed strong feelings for him. However, since this week there seems to be a drastic change, and it's driving me mad not knowing whether I'm imagining that negative change in his behaviour, or whether I've imagined our chemistry the past 7 months, not knowing whether any of what I'm feeling is anywhere near mutual. He won't greet me anymore, mumbles sarcastic remarks (if anything at all), if he does ever look at me, it's with an obstinate expression and crossed arms, and he just really doesn't seem to care less. It's not even that he's mean, he's just gone completely indifferent with a sarcastic undertone. Of course the above doesn't in the least cover the whole story, so I realise that saying how heartbroken I am because of this sounds ridiculous, but it's the case. I don't know whether I've done something wrong, or how to establish whether I've not imagined things without making a massive fool of myself. He's the head-chef, so the company is his more his territory than mine. What can I do or say to get out of this situation, and to actually let something develop instead of this stagnant, in-between state? How do you know that what was there was something real, or whether it was all imagined?!
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 He was trying to flirt, it didn't work, so now he is moving on. You missed your chance. So leave him be to lick his wounds. Your only thinking about it now because you can't have it or you would have done something about it before. 7 months? Seriously! Thats just mean. Move on. 1
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 IMO, he is not the right guy for you. All work related stuff like that is heavy handed advances. If he was truly interested, he would not have been so abrupt in changing his ways with you. At least he has shown his true colors, so you should be happy the feelings you have are better than being completely broken, and having to work around him. Never let a relationship start at work, as most if any are FWB type, and rarely become long term and fulfilling.
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I don't think it's as clear cut as the last 2 responders. The restaurant biz is one of the few places where "inter-office" romances are not taboo. Anyway, I'd get him alone & ask what's going on & why his demeanor changed.
Fondue Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 He was trying to flirt, it didn't work, so now he is moving on. You missed your chance. So leave him be to lick his wounds. Your only thinking about it now because you can't have it or you would have done something about it before. 7 months? Seriously! Thats just mean. Move on. This was my exact first thought. I think he was trying to flirt with you all this time, to see how you respond. If you never responded in a way to tells him you're interested too, he eventually gave up. 7 months is a long, long time. Wow. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 The thing is this. If for 7 months he has been gently trying to get a response, which from your description suggests and got nothing he is going to be hurt with a bruised ego and a bit glum that he didn't get the girl this time. He is just trying to get over that. 7 months is forever to be trying to get a reaction. If you had responded a bit more clearly perhaps he would have asked you out before. All those hand on the small of your back moments? Lean into the hand. All the times he said hello, light up your face and smile and concentrate on him and him alone, make sure you look back and share small intimate things like a sly wink etc. All of those gestures make it clear that you want him. If you don't respond and he is trying how on earth is the poor devil supposed to know what to do??? So he has done the only logical thing and backed off.
Author Anna84 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all your reponses. I've left out something really important and that is, he's in a relationship. Therefore I never knew whether he was actually flirting or whether I was imagining our chemistry. And yeah, of course you can start chucking around judgements but whether he's unethical or ethical is really of no interest to me, I'll deal with that myself and is an entirely different subject of discussion. I have always, IMHO, ben really nice and smiley to him, but never dared to act upon it because I really never knew whether I was imagining it, or whether he was joking about, or sincerely trying to gauge how I feel about him without looking like a blatant player (he can't say he's interested explicitly when he's in a relationship) He's a bit of a joker, but he's never been seen to flirt with anyone (except for me, but don't think anyone else but me has noticed). I just can't get my head around whether there was actually something there and I'm just wondering what I could say to him, without looking like a total fool. Edited October 3, 2014 by Anna84
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Him being in a relationship changes everything. It wasn't in your head. He was flirting but that's ALL he was doing. He's a flirty boy. The changed attitude probably stems from his GF finally getting annoyed by his flirty behavior & telling him to knock it off. He's trying & it's coming out as him being cold. Leave him alone. 1
Author Anna84 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 He's not the type to flirt, and his girlfriend doesn't know anything about his work place or colleagues. Noones even ever seen her in the 4 years he's worked there. I know most about her out of everyone, just because I asked him. He barely mentions her
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 He's not the type to flirt, and his girlfriend doesn't know anything about his work place or colleagues. Noones even ever seen her in the 4 years he's worked there. I know most about her out of everyone, just because I asked him. He barely mentions her I find it bizarre that one can declare they know a person so well, enough to make statements such as "he's not the type". Don't claim to know somebody just because you've created your own perceptions based on the little you know. Do you have other men at your work touching you bare back, locking eyes, stroking your wrist, squeezing your shoulders for just a little TOO long? It's called flirting. It doesn't matter whether he mentions her or if she has never been around his friends or workplace -- fact is that he is in a relationship. I have a feeling you left out that pertinent detail because you knew what the consensus was going to be -- therefore leaving it out would garner you the advice you were possibly wishing to hear. 1
Author Anna84 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) Well, i just wanted to avoid people start saying I should stay away because he's in a relationship. My question was something different, what I wanted was some clarity to what's been going on, whether I'd imagined it, and yes I know him that well because I spend about 40 hours a week with him and know his friends. I'm just in a dilemma about telling him how I've felt, because I feel like I'm about to explode, and what in that event would be safest to say. As I said, whether it's wrong or not to consider a taken guy is something I'm not asking advice on. Edited October 3, 2014 by Anna84
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Him being in a relationship changes everything. It wasn't in your head. He was flirting but that's ALL he was doing. He's a flirty boy. The changed attitude probably stems from his GF finally getting annoyed by his flirty behavior & telling him to knock it off. He's trying & it's coming out as him being cold. Leave him alone. And now we have more to the story - this still stands Leave him alone. 1
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) Well, i just wanted to avoid people start saying I should stay away because he's in a relationship. My question was something different, what I wanted was some clarity to what's been going on, whether I'd imagined it, and yes I know him that well because I spend about 40 hours a week with him and know his friends. I'm just in a dilemma about telling him how I've felt, because I feel like I'm about to explode, and what in that event would be safest to say. As I said, whether it's wrong or not to consider a taken guy is something I'm not asking advice on. And so you should stay away because he is in a relationship. "What's going on" becomes irrelevant when he is in a relationship. No, you don't know him that well. Just because you spend 40 hours a week flirting about and that you know his friends, you don't really know him. I bet his girlfriend is sitting at home going, "I know him so well, he's not the type to flirt." Little does she know, he's got his grimey hand on another woman. Again, leave him alone. If he can flirt with another woman while he has a girlfriend, chances are, he's not going to treat you any differently than how he treats someone he claims to be commited to. Use your brain, not your emotions. Edited October 3, 2014 by Zahara 1
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 He's not the type to flirt, and his girlfriend doesn't know anything about his work place or colleagues. If he was flirting with you, guess what? He's the type to flirt. Also you have no idea what the GF knows or doesn't know since you have never met her. 1
Crila16 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 It's so simple. You're going by a glance, a touch, a look. You've read far too into this and created something in your own mind. If this guy really and truly liked you, it's simple. He would have asked you out. He wouldn't have been satisfied with just a glance, a touch a look. He would have been crawling out of his skin to be with you and to touch you whenever he wanted. Sorry...he sounds like he's just a flirt, and he thinks you're cute. He's unfortunately not that into you.
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