I don't know how to make it right...

[TrustedthenBusted]

whoa... I'd take this party offline if I were you two.

 

That said, the one pet peeve I have that lookingforhope just triggered is the whole " I'll never do that again because of the pain its caused" thing.

 

Listen... that is very easy to say. Especially when you are saying it to your teary eyed wife in the midst of of a hard discussion. Most of us hear this crap starting the morning after D-Day as if some some great epiphany takes place when you get busted. But here is some reality.

 

Reality 1. You already knew what kind of pain and damage it would cause. That's why you lied and hid and deceived and snuck around in the first place. So there is no epiphany, only surprise that that pain is now actually a real thing.

 

Reality 2. It doesn't matter how you feel about it right now. It really doesn't. Like...at all. What matters is how you feel about it at last call at the hotel bar during the Sales Conference two states away. THAT is when you'll need to make the choice. And I assure you... when that giggly younger little whore is flirting with you after your 9th bombay and tonic, the last thing you will be thinking about is your wife's potential pain. Pain is only inflicted when you get caught. And historically, all you've proven is that as long as you aren't getting caught, there's no problem.

 

Reality 3. If you could apply a dollar value to all the words you've shared with your wife, you'd have about $1.36 so far. Words are almost worthless. Even when you mean them. " I'm Sorry" are about the only two that have any value, because they imply responsibility.

 

Reality 4. You really need to think long and hard about WHY you are trying to save this marriage. is it because you just don't want to LOSE? Because you don't want to suffer from your own hand? There is a lot of that going around. You currently DESERVE to lose, so you should accept that, and then start thinking about why you might deserve the opportunity to be offered a second chance.

 

I wish you both well. If you love eachother, and can come to an understanding, then God Bless You. But Jane... I hear ya loud and clear. If I ever end up getting married again, and I make it clear to that person that I have a 0 tolerance for shenanigans.... it's pretty clear to me what I'd be doing. Lookinforhope doesn't get it, and until HE becomes a BS, never really will. So you have to cut him that much slack.

[lookingforhope79]

OP definitely deserved to get busted, but the scientist in me knows we aren't getting the real story on that "std." Sorry, but medically, a bacterial infection of that sort doesn't work that way.

 

If OP's infidelity was that long ago, if OP tested negative, if BS tested negative during the pregnancy.... c'mon.

 

Sorry, hate it or love it, but someone, somewhere is leaving something, mistaken or lying.

I'd be glad to hear from any medical professionals on the board... The std was chlamydia and I tested negative. I haven't had any antibiotics in well over 10 years so it's not like it cleared up from some other medication. I even gave Jane access to my medical records so she could call the doctor and verify for herself (which she did). We've only had sex a handful of times since the baby was born and she was finding it painful so I doubt she was running out to get some on the side, which she wouldn't do anyway. I didn't get it from her and she didn't get it from me, so that's why I think her original diagnosis was wrong.

 

Either way, she deserved to have the truth about what I had done. I should have never done it in the first place but she never should have had it come out like it did.

[lookingforhope79]

whoa... I'd take this party offline if I were you two.

 

That said, the one pet peeve I have that lookingforhope just triggered is the whole " I'll never do that again because of the pain its caused" thing.

 

Listen... that is very easy to say. Especially when you are saying it to your teary eyed wife in the midst of of a hard discussion. Most of us hear this crap starting the morning after D-Day as if some some great epiphany takes place when you get busted. But here is some reality.

 

Reality 1. You already knew what kind of pain and damage it would cause. That's why you lied and hid and deceived and snuck around in the first place. So there is no epiphany, only surprise that that pain is now actually a real thing.

 

Reality 2. It doesn't matter how you feel about it right now. It really doesn't. Like...at all. What matters is how you feel about it at last call at the hotel bar during the Sales Conference two states away. THAT is when you'll need to make the choice. And I assure you... when that giggly younger little whore is flirting with you after your 9th bombay and tonic, the last thing you will be thinking about is your wife's potential pain. Pain is only inflicted when you get caught. And historically, all you've proven is that as long as you aren't getting caught, there's no problem.

 

Reality 3. If you could apply a dollar value to all the words you've shared with your wife, you'd have about $1.36 so far. Words are almost worthless. Even when you mean them. " I'm Sorry" are about the only two that have any value, because they imply responsibility.

 

Reality 4. You really need to think long and hard about WHY you are trying to save this marriage. is it because you just don't want to LOSE? Because you don't want to suffer from your own hand? There is a lot of that going around. You currently DESERVE to lose, so you should accept that, and then start thinking about why you might deserve the opportunity to be offered a second chance.

 

I wish you both well. If you love eachother, and can come to an understanding, then God Bless You. But Jane... I hear ya loud and clear. If I ever end up getting married again, and I make it clear to that person that I have a 0 tolerance for shenanigans.... it's pretty clear to me what I'd be doing. Lookinforhope doesn't get it, and until HE becomes a BS, never really will. So you have to cut him that much slack.

 

Great post and I appreciate what you have said. You're right the mark with reality 1. I heard the words but never imagined anything could hurt this bad. Maybe it's like you say- I could never really understand because it hasn't happened to me, but I do know that I could never make her hurt like that again.

 

To your second point on top of how I feel right now is the example I'd be setting for our daughter. My behavior was beyond unacceptable and needs to know that it's not OK. I hadn't been thinking about it but Jane brought to my attention that one day I'll have to explain this to her and that kids can be very unforgiving. I won't compound that moment with more to tell. I've also stopped drinking all together as I was intoxicated during the ONS which I feel greatly impaired my judgment.

 

3. I'd say your dollar value is even a bit high. Actions are big right now and I've got to keep pushing forward with them. Again - any advice from from the forum would be extremely helpful here.

 

4. This is crux of of the matter isn't it? I know she deserves better than I have been, and I have no doubt that she could find it. You people don't really know her and even you can tell how special she is. I don't want to lose. Her or being a significant part of my daughter's life. Anything else is inconsequential. She loved me once and was in a bad marriage without realizing it... I guess if anything I want to give her that good marriage for real and repay the love that she's given me so much of over the past few years.

[BetrayedH]

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