I don't know how to make it right...

[lookingforhope79]

it's been about 2 weeks since d-day. my wife and i have been together for a little over 3 years and married for just under one now. because of a medical issue my wife confronted me and was going to force me to take a lie detector test to prove that i had been faithful. i knew that i would fail this test because i had cheated while we were dating, so i confessed...to the first time. i was hoping that she would let the lie detector go but that wasn't happening so the next day i confessed to another cheating incident with the same girl, and a third with another girl. all three of these incidents happened at parties with a friend of a friend and a co-worker that was moving away. these were not prolonged affairs but three one-night stands...i know that doesn't make it any better and i feel horrible that any of this ever happened. i wish that i had never met either of these OW and would take it all back if i could, but i can't.

 

at the time the cheating occurred we were in a committed long distance relationship (about 150mi) and saw each other 2-3 times per month but spoke/texted daily. her love language is words so over the years i've written her several heartfelt letters expressing my love and promise of fidelity (her last marriage ended because of a WH) in order to comfort her and get her to believe in me, and she's confessed things to me about her past hurts and how much it would destroy her to lose love again. i wanted to be there for her, to tell her she had nothing to worry about with me. i wanted her to be happy and feel safe, but in reality i had already broken this promise. she had her doubts but i was able to calm them, then i cheated again.

 

i never told her about the things that i had done and tried put it behind me. i didn't have contact with the OW as they both lived out of state, but i did remain friends with them on facebook. there were actually pictures from two of the nights that i cheated. they've since been blocked and taken down after dday at my wife's request but my stupidity amazes me that i never thought to do this earlier, never thought of the impact that it could have on her.

 

we continued to date long distance for a few months after the affairs happened and along the way i decided that i was going to propose. she owns her own business and wasn't able to move, so it was up to me to make it happen. it took a few more months of working out the details but i was able to convince the company that i work for that i could move and work remotely without having a dropoff in my work. the night they said ok i bought the ring. as soon as it was ready i drove to her apartment and proposed! it didn't quite go to plan and i almost had to convince her to say yes but she eventually did and i couldn't imagine being happier. the next morning i woke up early, drove back to work and finished out the week. around 2 weeks later i had put my house up for rent and had moved in with her and never looked back.

 

after about 8mos in her apartment we started looking for a house. we eventually found one and bought it. it's bigger than we need but we planned to have a family so the extra cost was worth it with our combined incomes.

 

we're both getting older and wanted a family so decided to try for a baby while we were engaged and after about 6 months of trying we finally scored! this caused some issues with the timing of the wedding and ultimately had us getting married by my brother-in-law in our kitchen...not exactly the wedding either of us had hoped for but she didn't have insurance and we needed to get things going. i always figured that we'd have a chance to do it right later on but now we haven't even made it to our first anniversary and she wants to divorce. we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter now and i can't imagine life without either of them. we've spent a few days apart since this has happened and each day i feel like i'm wandering around lost

 

my life has changed so much since all that stuff happened. the time that i've spent with her being engaged, then married, then parents together has been the greatest time in my life! we have (or had) an amazing life together and things were only looking up.

 

Then OW2 called. I was at home alone with the baby and didn't answer the call. Her message said that she had recently reactivated facebook after a year+ and saw that i had a baby and said congratulations. I should have left it there, deleted the message and kept on with my great life, but of course i didn't. I called her back a couple of hours later and left her a message stating that a lot had changed over those years; that i was married, had moved away had the baby and that things were good. i wished her well and ended the message. i don't know why i did it, i had no interest in having anything ever happen between us again. it just felt like a nice way to close things out. stupid. unnecessary.

 

i've told my wife everything now and she feels that our entire time together was a lie, that all the goodness has been tainted by my lies. she's been tricked into marrying me and never would have done it or had a child with me if she had known what i had done. all she wanted was a man who was honest and faithful and that's not me...she doesn't have the financial stability that i do and now she's facing the future of raising our daughter alone (she wants me to have minimal contact) on a very tight budget and currently no place to live outside of our home. she doesn't have any family to speak of and has nowhere else to go. she says she hates it here in our house. this house was supposed to be our future and now it's ruined. her happy world has been turned upside down by my lies and cheating and she's completely devastated. it makes me sick to think of what i've done...i never wanted to hurt her and i did it in the one way that would shake her to her very being.

 

everything i've read says that she's going through extreme emotional shifts and that i should be there to help her through them but i just don't know how. i'm not an emotional man and combined with my own confusion right now i've ended up doing almost nothing to set this right which is even more infuriating to her (rightfully so) and to her this means that i've checked out and we're better off ending it. i can't let that happen...i've ruined everything, our happy life, our daughter's future. i've gotta try to fix this.

 

i'm in way over my head here and don't know what to do...i'm looking for any help or ideas that anyone can provide to help me try to make this better and help her through the absolute destruction that she's experiencing. i was completely selfish in my actions, putting her out of mind so i could fool around with a different girl that i never planned on seeing again. to hurt such a sweet girl like this was inhuman.

 

her trust in me is shattered and the one way i could always connect to her (through words) doesn't work anymore since she believes every word i say is a lie. i can't lose her..she and my daughter are my life. i know that i don't deserve her or another chance but i've gotta try. i can't let what we had slip away

[BetrayedH]

A good start is reading the thread posted at the top of this forum: Things that every wayward spouse needs to know.

 

Then keep reading and posting.

[ComingInHot]

You are so right. Your words don't mean Jack. And to add insult to injury, you pretty much got busted because one of your OW's shared an std with that she then gave to Your Wife, is that right?

 

Anyways, get up. Show her through your actions. Get into IC & MC. Do the years of work it may take to SHOW her you can become the man she once thought you were *

 

Keep reading here. You're not all by yourself in this. People here will be able to relate and support.

CIH*

[lookingforhope79]

Thanks for the advice. My wife was taken to the hospital for pneumonia and while there they told her she had an STD. She asked for a second test and that came back negative, but that could have been cured from the pneumonia antibiotics. I also got tested and was negative with the last contact with OW 2+ years ago. But she was right to confront me. I would have done the same in her position.

 

I've scheduled an IC for next monday (which has now turned into an MC session) so I'm really hoping to learn something from that about my actions and inactions.

 

I have read that WS post quite a few times now and it has helped some. It's helped me to better understand what she's going through and I've made all of my emails and such open to her. I'm apologizing constantly but it seems like I'm not getting it right. She doesn't feel that my remorse is genuine and it's really a sticking point for her...I'm trying to show my emotions more freely but it's not easy. Hopefully the therapy can help me with this issue

[ComingInHot]

No. Your remorse will not come across as though you are actually sorry for cheating, just remorse over getting caught.

 

In time. Like, A LOT of time, she will see that you are truly sincere by your Actions.

 

You may get sick of it after a while, even thinking "why can't she just get over it already". Don't.

The way in which you remained friends AND had them on FB, dude, my almost not Husband did similar. HUGE blow to me. To me he was keeping his concubine front and center even after he dumped her.

 

Drop every single one of your pretenses. No more riding the ego trip of riteousness to self entitlement land thinking you in any way deserved the lays you got. She will see through you so fast your skin will burn.

 

I am NOT trying to be mean but harsh enough that you can see just a smidge of what you need to do and how things look from your wife's perspective.

 

I'm really sorry you chose to cheat. Seems there is always a willing party, huh?.?.

 

good luck*

[Ronni_W]

I'm apologizing constantly but it seems like I'm not getting it right. She doesn't feel that my remorse is genuine and it's really a sticking point for her...I'm trying to show my emotions more freely but it's not easy.

STOP apologizing for now...it's just more mere words at this point, and those are ringing hollow to her.

I don't know if you meant that saying, "I'm sorry," is an act of showing emotions...it's not.

 

The 'forgive and forget?' articles at Marriage Builders (infidelity section) may offer additional insights and/or a new way approach things.

 

Best of luck.

[No Limit]

No offense but - yeah, you did trick her into marriage (I highly doubt that when you two got into the BF-GF-stage she meant to give you extra free tickets to cheat) by not telling her the truth and letting her go.

 

Relieve some of her stress being a single mother and all and be a great, responsible part-time dad to your daughter. And thank your OW that she didn't contact you during the first few weeks of your wifes' pregnancy in which abortion is still allowed/easier to do.

[gettingstronger]

time, time, time

 

It takes time to get over the shock of betrayal. I remember being utterly disgusted by the site of my husband for a while. When he spoke I wanted to slap him. He accepted this and was remorseful. I think that its small things that help break the ice/tension. Hold her hand, text her during the day, thank her for the chance to even still be in her life. I remember he would rub my lower back as he passed by me. It was just small gestures along with lots of long, painful talks that helped. Oh, and the hysterical bonding that still goes on nearly 2 years later-

[Janesays]

OK, I'm going to fess up. I am the wife in this sordid little story. Go ahead and dredge up my posting history if you like...where I have praised this man to the heavens and back for being a wonderful man, boyfriend, husband and father. And it turns out he was a liar and a cheat the whole time. I feel like such a fool.

 

Interesting tidbits that he's leaving out are as follows:

 

When I was in the low self esteem comparing myself to the OW part of D-day, my husband was thoughtful enough to assure me that I was of "equal attractiveness" to her.

 

He also repeatedly mentioned how much 'fun' it was.

 

The night he left me to go to th party to go cheat on me the first time, I was incredibly sick. He stopped by my place, patted me on the shoulder, then took off to party and cheat. Tons of pictures on Facebook later with his "friend" and he just couldn't wait to tell me what a great party I missed!

 

For Christmas that year, I bought him a new bed. (He was in a dinky little twin) This was a generous gift for me to give as I had no money, but I wanted to show him I was serious about building a future with him. A few months later, he screwed the ow in that bed.

 

Oh, the letters he used to write me! Please believe that he's honest! Please believe that he's faithful! He's not the kind of guy that could mess around with a girl without caring for her! I told him over and over again how scared I was and how fragile I was after my ex's infidelity. I was clear to let him know how it would affect me. Please Jane, how the courage to believe I am a different man! Meanwhile, he was a cheat the whole time.

 

I married this "man," bore his child, and considered myself LUCKY to have him...until I came home with an STD. Completely fooled. The entire time.

 

My husband up there likes to paint the picture that all of this was the past and he's been a stand up guy ever since. However, in the course of finding out about his cheating, I found out he was still lying about other crap. Stuff he didn't need to even lying about. Such as:

 

Porn. He said he quit watching it. I repeatedly told him I didn't mind if the watched. Heck, I watch! But he wanted to act like he was above that and quit..he didn't quit. He just used an incognito browser to hide it from me. Sometimes watching with a baby in the room!

 

Strip clubs. Didn't have to lie. I wouldn't have given him smack about attending a bachelor party. Lied anyway.

 

My perfect husband who just made a "mistake" was sending flirty inappropriate texts to his female "friends" days before d-day.

 

I thought he was a wonderful man. I thought we had a wonderful life. A great marriage. A promising future. It was all a lie. A scam. I am so ashamed.

 

Now I'm facing down being a single mom to a baby. I'm terrified.

[gettingstronger]

Well, having the wifes POV sure changes things a bit. No idea which side is 100% correct or if that is even possible, BUT its clear that the wife has no trust, security or hope right now. This is a direct result of your actions OP. At this point, it does not appear you can do much because your history speaks for itself. She views you as a stranger, not someone that "changed" and made some bad choices but rather as someone that hid their true self from her.

 

You have an uphill battle and I honestly don't know where to tell you to start. Counseling may be a good idea to show you are ready to change-

[lookingforhope79]

Everything Jane says is true. She asked questions and I answered them openly and honestly because I understand now that is the only way to rebuild any tick of trust. I'm not here to argue about details, but to figure out how to help this wonderful woman who's life I've forever altered. I want R more than anything in this world and will stick this out for as long as it takes. I understand that it really is only her decision to make and ultimately she has to do what she feels is right. I know that my chances aren't great but I also know that I have to try, and to be better than the man I was. That's why I'm here.

 

Thanks GS for your perspective. As you can tell from her post physical aspects are not appreciated right now. It hurts because that was something that I always loved about our relationship. Just going over to her and giving her a shoulder to lean on always seemed to make things feel a bit better.

[nightmare01]

@JaneSays

 

My Dday was 13 years ago and I am a betrayed husband (BH). Affairs share a lot of common themes insofar as the pain we feel. My wayward wife's (WW's) affair was long term (LTA) instead of a series of one night stands (ONS) you are dealing with. But like you my WW compared her OM (other man) favorably to me, saying that he was handsome, caring, and a great lover. She also said she had lots of fond memories of their times together.

 

Ok so that's where I'm coming from.

 

I think the most important bit of advice I can give you is to not rush to make a decision right now. Give yourself 6 months to a year before you decide whether or not to divorce (D) your husband. Your emotions are all over the place right now, and justly so! But right now you may not be thinking clearly.

 

I suggest you give your WH the opportunity to get his act together and step up.

 

@LookingForHope79 I say - you need to be proactive in finding true remorse and empathy, and work your ass off to prove you are being completely open and honest NOW. You have to show your wife that you have changed and that she should give you a chance at reconciliation. You need to work harder at this than you have at anything else in your life. Whatever you do, do NOT in any way blame JaneSays for what you chose to do. Don't blame circumstances around your long distance relationship either. YOU made that decision and YOU need to figure out how to fix yourself so you will NEVER make that decision again.

 

@JaneSays I know what you are going through. It's hard, harder than anything you've ever had to deal with in life. But for the sake of your beautiful baby girl, try and find it in your heart to give your husband a chance at redemption. Give him that 6 months or a year. If he makes changes and works his ass off you may have a chance.

 

My WW and I are still M and together. So it can be done.

[beach]

Thanks for the advice. My wife was taken to the hospital for pneumonia and while there they told her she had an STD. She asked for a second test and that came back negative, but that could have been cured from the pneumonia antibiotics. I also got tested and was negative with the last contact with OW 2+ years ago. But she was right to confront me. I would have done the same in her position.

 

I've scheduled an IC for next monday (which has now turned into an MC session) so I'm really hoping to learn something from that about my actions and inactions.

 

I have read that WS post quite a few times now and it has helped some. It's helped me to better understand what she's going through and I've made all of my emails and such open to her. I'm apologizing constantly but it seems like I'm not getting it right. She doesn't feel that my remorse is genuine and it's really a sticking point for her...I'm trying to show my emotions more freely but it's not easy. Hopefully the therapy can help me with this issue

 

Let start here...

 

Why did you cheat on a gal you "claimed to love"?

 

Why do you lie?

 

 

You need to answer those questions in order to have counseling help you.

 

 

What are you willing to change about yourself?

 

 

If Janey doesn't have sex with you for the next few years while she's in the hurt/angry stage of your betrayal - are you going to go get sex elsewhere?

[Mr. Lucky]

Let start here...

 

Why did you cheat on a gal you "claimed to love"?

 

Why do you lie?

 

 

Agreed. 99% of your post is about your angst over getting caught and the hurt that's caused your wife. Unless you're a sociopath, most people in that position would feel the way you do.

 

But most people, if in love and committed, wouldn't put themselves in that position.

 

Why did you ? And here's a hint - the answer isn't "I don't know"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jnel921]

It's tough because we now have both parties on this post. LFH.. Not sure what you want us to tell you. You seem remorseful. But this is only because you are now caught.

 

LFH79 - I am all about intent. What was your intention, replying back to the FB message. She hasn't reached out in all these years. If you were so happy...you would have left it alone. Why think about the consequences so late in the game?When you reply or look for your past...what is that really about?

 

Jane- I understand your hurt. This may have happened way before you said I do but you still feel like the foundation of your M is cracked. With his most recent FB incident he may still feel excited when other women pay him attention. He needs to work on that and how far that will take him.

 

How do you fix it? You both have to want to. Your lives are different now. There is more to consider.

 

The question is, will you both try?

[Spectre]

it's been about 2 weeks since d-day. my wife and i have been together for a little over 3 years and married for just under one now. because of a medical issue my wife confronted me and was going to force me to take a lie detector test to prove that i had been faithful. i knew that i would fail this test because i had cheated while we were dating, so i confessed...to the first time. i was hoping that she would let the lie detector go but that wasn't happening so the next day i confessed to another cheating incident with the same girl, and a third with another girl. all three of these incidents happened at parties with a friend of a friend and a co-worker that was moving away. these were not prolonged affairs but three one-night stands...i know that doesn't make it any better and i feel horrible that any of this ever happened. i wish that i had never met either of these OW and would take it all back if i could, but i can't.

 

I think your best bet is to just let your wife go. You haven't even been married a year and you have already cheated. Don't you think she deserves better?

 

i've told my wife everything now and she feels that our entire time together was a lie, that all the goodness has been tainted by my lies. she's been tricked into marrying me and never would have done it or had a child with me if she had known what i had done.

 

It might not be fun to hear..but she is 100% correct. She married a lie, she lived a lie. You did trick her in a way, she married you under false pretenses.

 

it makes me sick to think of what i've done...i never wanted to hurt her and i did it in the one way that would shake her to her very being.

 

You say you never wanted to hurt her, but you cheated on her multiple times. That is not a one time slip up. You didn't want to hurt her, but you knew that you were and just didn't care..which is actually worse in some ways.

 

her trust in me is shattered and the one way i could always connect to her (through words) doesn't work anymore since she believes every word i say is a lie. i can't lose her..she and my daughter are my life. i know that i don't deserve her or another chance but i've gotta try. i can't let what we had slip away

 

The title of your topic is you do not know how to make this right. The thing is..that implies there is a way to make this right, but that you just haven't found it yet. The cold hard truth is there is no way to make what you did right. Think about it, what series of words do you think you could say to her to erase the pain of what you did? What actions could you take to erase the pain? You merely acting sorry and never doing this again..isn't going to help one bit in helping her get over what happened.

 

I think you might love your wife, but that you are not in love with her. I think if you care about her you will realize you need to let her go. You say you can't lose her..but it's not about you anymore. You cheated, so it is not about what you can or can't handle.

[lookingforhope79]

Agreed. 99% of your post is about your angst over getting caught and the hurt that's caused your wife. Unless you're a sociopath, most people in that position would feel the way you do.

 

But most people, if in love and committed, wouldn't put themselves in that position.

 

Why did you ? And here's a hint - the answer isn't "I don't know"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If I had to give a reason as to why this happened I would chalk it up to a combination of intoxication and my own sexual insecurities. There was/is nothing wrong with Jane and she had done nothing wrong. Before I met my wife I was a virgin and she was the first girl I had been in a serious relationship with. When the OW showed interest this was not something that I was used to and I took advantage for no other reason than to have another sexual experience without thinking of the consequences.

 

It was the same each time. It was completely meaningless and not worth a fraction of the devastation that I've caused.

 

You ask how I know of this wouldn't happen again? That's an easy one; when you see the horrific pain that is inflicted by your actions on the one you care about most there is nothing on earth that would allow you to do this again. I've ruined the life that we had planned together, and that of my daughter. As a result of my infidelity I will now likely be nothing more than a footnote in my daughter's life... If that thought doesn't inspire self change then nothing will.

[JS84]

OK, I'm going to fess up. I am the wife in this sordid little story. Go ahead and dredge up my posting history if you like...where I have praised this man to the heavens and back for being a wonderful man, boyfriend, husband and father. And it turns out he was a liar and a cheat the whole time. I feel like such a fool.

 

Interesting tidbits that he's leaving out are as follows:

 

When I was in the low self esteem comparing myself to the OW part of D-day, my husband was thoughtful enough to assure me that I was of "equal attractiveness" to her.

 

He also repeatedly mentioned how much 'fun' it was.

 

The night he left me to go to th party to go cheat on me the first time, I was incredibly sick. He stopped by my place, patted me on the shoulder, then took off to party and cheat. Tons of pictures on Facebook later with his "friend" and he just couldn't wait to tell me what a great party I missed!

 

For Christmas that year, I bought him a new bed. (He was in a dinky little twin) This was a generous gift for me to give as I had no money, but I wanted to show him I was serious about building a future with him. A few months later, he screwed the ow in that bed.

 

Oh, the letters he used to write me! Please believe that he's honest! Please believe that he's faithful! He's not the kind of guy that could mess around with a girl without caring for her! I told him over and over again how scared I was and how fragile I was after my ex's infidelity. I was clear to let him know how it would affect me. Please Jane, how the courage to believe I am a different man! Meanwhile, he was a cheat the whole time.

 

I married this "man," bore his child, and considered myself LUCKY to have him...until I came home with an STD. Completely fooled. The entire time.

 

My husband up there likes to paint the picture that all of this was the past and he's been a stand up guy ever since. However, in the course of finding out about his cheating, I found out he was still lying about other crap. Stuff he didn't need to even lying about. Such as:

 

Porn. He said he quit watching it. I repeatedly told him I didn't mind if the watched. Heck, I watch! But he wanted to act like he was above that and quit..he didn't quit. He just used an incognito browser to hide it from me. Sometimes watching with a baby in the room!

 

Strip clubs. Didn't have to lie. I wouldn't have given him smack about attending a bachelor party. Lied anyway.

 

My perfect husband who just made a "mistake" was sending flirty inappropriate texts to his female "friends" days before d-day.

 

I thought he was a wonderful man. I thought we had a wonderful life. A great marriage. A promising future. It was all a lie. A scam. I am so ashamed.

 

Now I'm facing down being a single mom to a baby. I'm terrified.

 

Sorry you're going through this. But trust me there are much better men out there. You'll find yours I'm sure.

[Mr. Lucky]

It was the same each time. It was completely meaningless and not worth a fraction of the devastation that I've caused.

Meaningless, perhaps. And yet each time, when given the chance to choose your marriage or your urges, you chose to cheat.

 

Makes a strong statement about your perception of relative value. One might believe that once is a mistake, an abberation. Three or more times is a conscious decision...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lookingforhope79]

Meaningless, perhaps. And yet each time, when given the chance to choose your marriage or your urges, you chose to cheat.

 

Makes a strong statement about your perception of relative value. One might believe that once is a mistake, an abberation. Three or more times is a conscious decision...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know, and it makes sick to think how badly I've screwed this up. I've done the wrong thing every step of the way and when I had to minimize the damages I've either increased them or done nothing. We've had some in depth talks about pretty much everything and it's clear to me that I've a lot major issues to work out about myself that allowed me to cheat on a wonderful woman without a thought for what I was doing. This realization helps now that I understand the root cause for the affairs but it doesn't take away the hurt that she's feeling, or undo the damage I've caused to my family. At this point I don't know if R is possible but I still need to get better for everyone involved.

[BetrayedH]

I guess I have two thoughts:

 

(1) It's crazy unfortunate that it took the legitimate threat of a lie detector to get you to come clean. I've tried to avoid bringing this up because I tend to avoid rubbing salt in your wounds. But it's the lies that do so much damage. I hope that you've at least learned that one lesson. There's no room for secrets and lies in a marriage. Jane is your partner in life. She can't be that person if she has to go to such great lengths to get the truth from you. If I can't trust my partner in life not to lie to me, I'm not interested.

 

(2) I'm curious to know what you're doing to try to repair the damage. As you know, words fall short because right now they can't be believed. I remember an expression...I can't hear what you're saying because your actions are speaking so loudly. It's your actions now (and ongoing) that may make a difference. So if I may ask, what are you doing?

[Furious]

it's been about 2 weeks since d-day. my wife and i have been together for a little over 3 years and married for just under one now. because of a medical issue my wife confronted me and was going to force me to take a lie detector test to prove that i had been faithful. i knew that i would fail this test because i had cheated while we were dating, so i confessed...to the first time. i was hoping that she would let the lie detector go but that wasn't happening so the next day i confessed to another cheating incident with the same girl, and a third with another girl. all three of these incidents happened at parties with a friend of a friend and a co-worker that was moving away. these were not prolonged affairs but three one-night stands...i know that doesn't make it any better and i feel horrible that any of this ever happened. i wish that i had never met either of these OW and would take it all back if i could, but i can't.

 

at the time the cheating occurred we were in a committed long distance relationship (about 150mi) and saw each other 2-3 times per month but spoke/texted daily. her love language is words so over the years i've written her several heartfelt letters expressing my love and promise of fidelity (her last marriage ended because of a WH) in order to comfort her and get her to believe in me, and she's confessed things to me about her past hurts and how much it would destroy her to lose love again. i wanted to be there for her, to tell her she had nothing to worry about with me. i wanted her to be happy and feel safe, but in reality i had already broken this promise. she had her doubts but i was able to calm them, then i cheated again.

 

i never told her about the things that i had done and tried put it behind me. i didn't have contact with the OW as they both lived out of state, but i did remain friends with them on facebook. there were actually pictures from two of the nights that i cheated. they've since been blocked and taken down after dday at my wife's request but my stupidity amazes me that i never thought to do this earlier, never thought of the impact that it could have on her.

 

we continued to date long distance for a few months after the affairs happened and along the way i decided that i was going to propose. she owns her own business and wasn't able to move, so it was up to me to make it happen. it took a few more months of working out the details but i was able to convince the company that i work for that i could move and work remotely without having a dropoff in my work. the night they said ok i bought the ring. as soon as it was ready i drove to her apartment and proposed! it didn't quite go to plan and i almost had to convince her to say yes but she eventually did and i couldn't imagine being happier. the next morning i woke up early, drove back to work and finished out the week. around 2 weeks later i had put my house up for rent and had moved in with her and never looked back.

 

after about 8mos in her apartment we started looking for a house. we eventually found one and bought it. it's bigger than we need but we planned to have a family so the extra cost was worth it with our combined incomes.

 

we're both getting older and wanted a family so decided to try for a baby while we were engaged and after about 6 months of trying we finally scored! this caused some issues with the timing of the wedding and ultimately had us getting married by my brother-in-law in our kitchen...not exactly the wedding either of us had hoped for but she didn't have insurance and we needed to get things going. i always figured that we'd have a chance to do it right later on but now we haven't even made it to our first anniversary and she wants to divorce. we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter now and i can't imagine life without either of them. we've spent a few days apart since this has happened and each day i feel like i'm wandering around lost

 

my life has changed so much since all that stuff happened. the time that i've spent with her being engaged, then married, then parents together has been the greatest time in my life! we have (or had) an amazing life together and things were only looking up.

 

Then OW2 called. I was at home alone with the baby and didn't answer the call. Her message said that she had recently reactivated facebook after a year+ and saw that i had a baby and said congratulations. I should have left it there, deleted the message and kept on with my great life, but of course i didn't. I called her back a couple of hours later and left her a message stating that a lot had changed over those years; that i was married, had moved away had the baby and that things were good. i wished her well and ended the message. i don't know why i did it, i had no interest in having anything ever happen between us again. it just felt like a nice way to close things out. stupid. unnecessary.

 

i've told my wife everything now and she feels that our entire time together was a lie, that all the goodness has been tainted by my lies. she's been tricked into marrying me and never would have done it or had a child with me if she had known what i had done. all she wanted was a man who was honest and faithful and that's not me...she doesn't have the financial stability that i do and now she's facing the future of raising our daughter alone (she wants me to have minimal contact) on a very tight budget and currently no place to live outside of our home. she doesn't have any family to speak of and has nowhere else to go. she says she hates it here in our house. this house was supposed to be our future and now it's ruined. her happy world has been turned upside down by my lies and cheating and she's completely devastated. it makes me sick to think of what i've done...i never wanted to hurt her and i did it in the one way that would shake her to her very being.

 

everything i've read says that she's going through extreme emotional shifts and that i should be there to help her through them but i just don't know how. i'm not an emotional man and combined with my own confusion right now i've ended up doing almost nothing to set this right which is even more infuriating to her (rightfully so) and to her this means that i've checked out and we're better off ending it. i can't let that happen...i've ruined everything, our happy life, our daughter's future. i've gotta try to fix this.

 

i'm in way over my head here and don't know what to do...i'm looking for any help or ideas that anyone can provide to help me try to make this better and help her through the absolute destruction that she's experiencing. i was completely selfish in my actions, putting her out of mind so i could fool around with a different girl that i never planned on seeing again. to hurt such a sweet girl like this was inhuman.

 

her trust in me is shattered and the one way i could always connect to her (through words) doesn't work anymore since she believes every word i say is a lie. i can't lose her..she and my daughter are my life. i know that i don't deserve her or another chance but i've gotta try. i can't let what we had slip away

 

 

Janesays, is a poster I admire and it's heartbreaking that someone as smart and genuine as she is has been lied to and deceived and disrespected.

 

Your post is over the top. Stop the drama and man up. Janesays is not naive, she knows you deliberately gave her a false reality. You knew right from wrong, but that didn't make a difference in the choices you made.

 

instead of pleading for a way to get her back, (which seems selfish), you should put Janesays and your child's best interest in the forefront.

 

If you've grown from this, you will respect that Janesays needs to do what is best for her and your child.

[BetrayedH]

Janesays, is a poster I admire and it's heartbreaking that someone as smart and genuine as she is has been lied to and deceived and disrespected.

 

True dat. I've tried to remove that dynamic from my thoughts on this situation but it ain't happening. Janesays didn't have this coming.

[lookingforhope79]

True dat. I've tried to remove that dynamic from my thoughts on this situation but it ain't happening. Janesays didn't have this coming.

 

I agree wholeheartedly, she has been amazing to me and she didn't deserve to be treated this way. No one does. She's also come to realize that there were several other areas of our marriage that weren't living up to her expectations but that she had been ignoring these.

 

We've decided to separate because for every one good thing I do or say it seems that I say two other things that hurt. The hurt never ends when I'm around and that's not what I want for her. You asked about my actions? I'm getting into some IC to try to take care of my own issues. I've given up porn (for the right reasons this time, as it has really messed up a lot of my views on relationships). I'm reading books on dealing and healing as well as posting/reading here and on other forums to try to get a clearer picture. I've sent NC letters to the OW and to a "friend" that knew about the affair. I've been completely honest with about everything that happened, even when it hurts chances for R because it's what she deserves. For her I've given her gifts, written apologies, fixed a big problem that had at work and tried to be there for her emotionally (failing at times). I know it's not enough. I don't know if there could ever be enough.

[No Limit]

Janesays didn't have this coming.

 

This thread is a real rude awakening call. I swear I'll demand a polygraph either the day before the wedding, or the day I discover I'm pregnant. Whatever may come first.