sbla Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 And I don't know what to do. This will be very long so I apologise. I'm a little upset and I don't know who else to talk to about this. I became kind of close to this guy who I would talk to online (we didn't meet online), the way our ''friendship'' seemed to turn out is that we would basically give each other advice on our problems. He seemed quite happy to do that and in turn I was happy to give him advice too. He is a lot older than me, I am 21 and he is 31. He would say to me we were 'homies' and I thought we were actually friends nothing more. He asked me if I wanted to do something with him, I said OK, I asked him if it was a date and he said no, just friends. I am in an on/off relationship with somebody at the minute and he would give me advice on this a lot, so I thought he knew where my head was at with the whole dating thing. On the build up to this meeting it became aware to me that maybe he was interested in me romantically in some way. He would ask me what I found attractive in a guy, what I liked in the 'bedroom' and he would say things like ''I'm very flirty, I'll try not to hit on you when we go out''. Obviously this made me think that he didn't want to be just friends and nearer the time of this 'date' I started ignoring his comments about it. This meeting was supposed to happen this Saturday. Yesterday he asked me why I'm basically ignoring the comments about the meeting and if I still wanted to go and said to be honest with him about it I thought I needed to be honest with him, so I was. I said I am in an on/off relationship, I don't want to cause drama if you want something more than friends so maybe you should take someone else out who deserves it, basically it isn't going to happen. After I said this he seemed to turn on me. He said that I was probably sat there laughing at him, that I think he's a little *****, that he is holding back tears, that he wants to forget I exist. I then messaged him back saying I apologise if I have upset you in anyway, I just felt I needed to be honest with you, please do not cry over anything I have done, I'm not worth the tears, take someone out who deserves it. This is the message he sent in reply to me I've edited out names... I really fought hard to not send this, but I have to do this for myself and I hope you appreciate that. Right now I'm back to battling an awful awful demon I thought I had caged and I'm probably grasping at straws here but I can't clear my head so I need to get this on paper and then that's it. That's not your fault in any way and really this will only make me stronger. But at the same time, your ego does not deserve the satisfaction of thinking that the reason why I choked back tears is that you've hurt me in some way by rejecting me, and you're right that you're not worth crying over. ALL you had to do say was "hey I'm back in this on again/off again relationship and the guy might get jealous..we can't talk much anymore" instead of tip toeing around it. Or maybe "hey, I just want to be FRIENDS." In other words be ****ING open!! Do you get me? You may not think I'm a little ***** or you may not. You may think I'm very "nice" (nice and little ***** are extremely similar btw) or you may or may not be laughing at me right now; BUT, by by doing all this in the completely bass ackwards way you have, my confidence has been completely shook. And so I FEEL like a little ***** for the moment. Having said that, the apology you sent me was for the wrong reason as far as I'm concerned and I don't accept it. Now that that's off my chest, I hope you don't think you're to blame here as you aren't at all. I've come to a realization that this is and will be a constant battle for me and I can't completely forget to "check the lock on the cage" if you will. I really hope you appreciate why I've sent this. I've wasted WAAAAY too much energy on this nothing that's worked in the past is working for me right now. Right now I want nothing more than to forget you exist and can't think of doing anything other than to send this to get me there. When he said he was choking back tears I honestly thought he was choking back tears over me, he didn't say anything about his 'demons' in his original message. I've been blocked and deleted so I can't reply. Would you say that was someone who just wanted to be friends with me? I've always said that we are just friends, so I don't know why I needed to tell him ''Hey, I just want to be FRIENDS''. I don't think I ever gave him an inclination that I wanted anything more than friendship and I'm very upset that I can't even put my thoughts out there to him as I can't reply to him. I don't know what to do and I feel sad about it
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I think he was rude. You were trying to be nice & basically he called you a jerk for doing so. Direct communications are preferred but not everybody is good at blunt. The fact that he put such loaded emotions into an email rather than discussing them with you via voice makes him worse than what he accused you of. It's never fun when somebody claims that you hurt them but despite any misstep your heart & intentions were in the right place so let him & his caged demon have fun together. Seriously you come across as the older more mature one. To block you because you want to be his friend is ridiculous. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Rookie mistake on your part.... As you get older you will better realize how to handle this...So you dont wind up in this situation again... Life's lesson... TFY
LoneIsland Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Not all men understand what you mean by friends. Maybe after you, he has a better idea. Then again maybe not. This is just normal misunderstanding between men and women, a kind of tough luck situation. There's nothing you can offer him even if you are able to contact him. There's also the risk of your creating additional misunderstanding. Best to just move on.
Arieswoman Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 sbla, For a start this is inappropriate, He would ask me what I found attractive in a guy, what I liked in the 'bedroom' . If you aren't in a relationship with this guy, then that is none of his business and you should have made that clear from the start. Don't get involved with guys who can't behave like gentlemen. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Good luck. 2
kjohn Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 This guy sounds really unstable. A misunderstanding is one thing, but your description of the relationship you had with this guy does not at all match the hurtful and nasty email he sent you. I don't what his "demons" are, but that is a can of worms that I would stay far away from if I were you. Say a prayer for him (because it sounds like he needs it) and move on. Don't feel bad. Whatever his issues are, they are HIS issues. They are his responsibility to fix, not yours. 2
StanMusial Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 Ouch. He invested way too much in a tenuous connection. I don't know what he meant by demons. Maybe he tends to invest too much time and energy in fantasy land and is disheartened when jolted to reality.
dragon_fly_7 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) I'm willing to bet this will be another one of those guys on forums that rant about how "nice" they are when they aren't. OP, that guy was rude for faking a friendship and then slowly dropping obvious hints we women notice right away instead of just being straight forward. This is where we get bombarded by the Nice Guys/Jerk posts all the time. I had a guy doing something similar like that too. When I told him the truth about how I wasn't looking for a relationship (because just like that guy, the conversation were getting a bit deeper), suddenly he stopped texting me back and ghosted out on me. :mad: Conclusion: very, very few random guys you meet (not even a male childhood friend; if alcohol was involved I'm willing to bet even he who claims to only seeing her as a sister, would get turned on at some point) are just there for a long-term platonic friendship unless he's gay. Edited October 3, 2014 by dragon_fly_7
thefooloftheyear Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I'm willing to bet this will be another one of those guys on forums that rant about how "nice" they are when they aren't. OP, that guy was rude for faking a friendship and then slowly dropping obvious hints we women notice right away instead of just being straight forward. This is where we get bombarded by the Nice Guys/Jerk posts all the time. I had a guy doing something similar like that too. When I told him the truth about how I wasn't looking for a relationship (because just like that guy, the conversation were getting a bit deeper), suddenly he stopped texting me back and ghosted out on me. :mad: Conclusion: very, very few random guys you meet (not even a male childhood friend; if alcohol was involved I'm willing to bet even he who claims to only seeing her as a sister, would get turned on at some point) are just there for a long-term platonic friendship unless he's gay. Agreed.... Although I think the OP should have put the brakes on him early on....she unwillingly sent him a mixed message.....he didnt have to get douchey over it, but I think that women should sense that type of dynamic and knock him back as soon as it looks like its going there...unless thats what she wants... TFY 1
LoneIsland Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) e...unless thats what she wants... There's no reason why a woman doesn't want that. It is essentially free lunch, and she can exit the arrangement whenever she chooses. People underestimate how much a women needs emotional connection with someone even if she's not the slightest interested in him in any other way. Edited October 3, 2014 by LoneIsland
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