Even a year later it still hurts my heart that he left me

[amkxoxo]

This will probably be my last post on this topic. I just like to repost a few times to get different responses and views from different users, so I can take them all in.

 

I don't know what happened. We dated on and off for about 6 months. We had our ups and downs because he was afraid of a relationship. He had been broken up with previously and he wasn't expecting it and he was still pretty hurt. Some times he seemed all into me and he told me I had all traits he looks for in a woman. And other times he felt distant and cold. I would strive to seek reassurance at this point, sometimes it would make me a bit crazy. We had many conversations about us and our future. He claimed he wasn't in the right position to be in a relationship but he isn't ruling it out for the future. He said he could see himself with someone like me in the end. He said I have all the attributes he looks for in a woman. And he never expected to meet and fall for me like he had. He told me maybe I needed more time dating since I hadn't dated a lot of men, just to be sure. He told me he thought about lying to me and telling me he didn't like me so I would move on because he knew I wanted a boyfriend, but he said I was so sweet and honest and he couldn't lie to me. He said that he felt he could be more capable in the future and he knows he could be a great boyfriend.

 

He wanted to get his life in order, get a car, job, move out of his parents place. He said he hopes he wakes up when his life is better and he realizes he needs me and he said he will come for me and make it known, whether I am with someone or not. He said he had such a hard time staying away from me. After all of this I tried to treat him like a friend, but he would continue to associate with me and flirt and kiss me. There were times I treated him as a friend since he made it clear he wasn't ready and he would break the barrier into more than friends. He kept telling me I was perfect and I didn't even realize how much. He told me I reminded him of his mother in all good ways and that his family would love me. I just never felt like a priority. I mean we never had sex but I slept next to this man at night. I was attached and we had great time together. I didn't want to have sex right away because I was a virgin, we were both 21, he was very experienced with girls, and I wanted someone who I knew would stick around. A boyfriend. He knew this and didn't push me. We got carried away a few times and did some sexual things, but we never had actual sex. He told me of a time when he planned this amazing first time for an ex girlfriend years ago. it was so romantic. He said I deserved that. I didn't get it from him.

 

But we continued to be on and off. I got into a car accident and was badly injured. I couldn't walk on one leg. He came to see me. He was so sweet and nice. I thought things were looking up. After that I didn't hear from him for weeks. I called him one night when I was upset because I needed his support. I had fallen that day and I was struggling even more than when he had seen me. I did whine a bit, but I wanted his sympathy. I had to quit the sports I love, and I might never be able to play. He had suffered with medical issues himself so I figured he would understand. He gave me advice, get a wheelchair etc... and tried to make me laugh but I felt it lacked emotion. I told him I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. He chastised me for not taking his advice. I told him I already tried all of those things and I called him because I needed him. We ended on good terms but things fizzled out.

 

He texted me a few weeks later with something random. I didn't respond hoping he would reach out again. He didn't. No call. Nothing. 6 months went by of no contact. Until he finally commented on something on my social media. We went back and forth casually and that was it. Then a month ago I reached out through text message. We were going to meet up but my work schedule got changed and I had to cancel. He told me he got a car so was more able to meet up with me. He was working on a job. We haven't spoken since. He has liked some things I put on facebook and I liked some of his. But that's it. I miss him. But I am too afraid to put myself out there again. I fought for us before and he left. I wish he would realize and come to me. From what I see he isn't seeing anyone else.

 

What I don't understand is why keep me around for so long. Stringing me along. For more than 6 months. Tell me I'm perfect and great and someone he could see himself with. Why say any of that? I talked to a guy friend of mine about it. This such guy friend is dating someone casually right now, as he has no intention of being a boyfriend. He has told this girl as such, so she expects little of him. My guy friend said he would never say any of the stuff that was said to me to the girl he is 'dating' because its too personal, too genuine. He thinks its a strange situation as well since the words seem genuine towards me. I don't get it. I sing or my schools chorus. We had an annual recital. He had helped me with some of my intrumentals, since he plays instruments. I wasn't sure if he would come or not.

 

The morning of the show he texted me telling me he didn't know if he could make it. I asked why and made a sad face. He told me, "Ok I will be there." I was so excited. All my fellow singers said I was radiating. He came and sat with my family and friends. He asked them questions about me. In between numbers I was in he would text me about how wonderful I was and he was so surprised. It was adorable. He came back to my apartment and celebrated with my family and friends. He was sociable and friendly. After they left he couldn't get enough of me. Telling me which parts were wonderful and he knew little sections in depth. Which means he paid attention. He kept kissing me and telling me how wonderful I did and he couldn't believe it. He told me that he was hesitant about coming at first because he didn't have anything for me. He told me he was trying to get his mother to send him flowers, because she is a florist part time, but he said she didn't want to mail them because they would get ruined and it was too last minute for her to come bring them or him to go home and get them.

 

I told him it was okay because he came and that meant a lot to me. This is all while we dated. Why all of this for what??? Nothing. He would blow hot and cold all the time. One day he was super into me and the next he acted distant and would tell me he wasnt ready for a relationship. He was still heartbroken over his ex and he would talk about her often. I should have seen the red flags. Right before school ended for us he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship but he didn't want to let me go. He led me to believe in time he could see himself with me. He got all gushy telling me he was going to miss me and that I should come to his house. I asked him if he meant it and he said of course. When his parents came to get him he wouldn't introduce me to them. Another red flag. During the summer of us dating he would call at random and often after midnight.

 

I once showed some disdain for his random late night calls, and not feeling like a priority. He again reminded me he wasn't ready for a relationship and he doesn't want to hurt me and I'm perfect and he has a hard time staying away from me. Again reminding me that he I broken and he needs time and he isn't not saying it couldn't happen. But then as I feel we are done, he will all again and flirt and be all cute. This left me confused. One phone call he was talking about wanting to go on a winter getaway and how wonderful it would be and that we should save our money and we should go. And then the next time I talked to him he was all negative and not into it at all. Hopeless.

 

Why spend so long with someone like I said 7 months on and off one minute he seemed all into me telling me I'm perfect and the next he is distant and telling me he isn't ready for a relationship, and then when I am content with us being friends, he pulls me back in with words or kisses or flirting. Why did he do this to me and then just stop trying. Not that he tried a lot anyway. Its been a year since I have seen him in person, with some small online communication in between. I miss him everyday

[Zahara]

I believe you mentioned that he was still heartbroken from his ex and would still talk about her. It's called emotional unavailability.

 

OP, he may have found you to be an amazing person but when someone is still struggling emotionally from a broken relationship, they sometimes do the hot and cold, push and pull.

 

I met a guy once after my divorce who was exceptionally wonderful. The kind of guy that could love and adore you like no other. I struggled. A part of me didn't want to let him go and a part of me didn't want to be with him. My heart was somewhere else but how could I let him go when he was such a prize, a man that I knew would never hurt me. But I wasn't emotionally attached or available to let him in, and that was the side of me that often got frustrated, that often pulled away, that often changed my mind about plans we had made, etc. I was there, yet I wasn't there. I did the push and pull, hot and cold. And this went on for months. Until I finally had to let him go. For the longest time, I'd force myself to want him, like him, be with him and I would, then as soon as I realized that he was getting close, and had expectations of me, I would start to get annoyed and frustrated because I knew what the reality was -- the reality was that I wasn't truly invested in him. My gf used to say, "Maybe you can learn to like him." This was what it was.

 

It's very difficult to let go when you've been in a situation like this because there are so many questions that just go unanswered -- so many loose ends that leave you confused and desperate. You're just left wondering what the hell happened. He said this but he did that. He did that but he said this. And maybe this is why you are still struggling after a year -- you're trying to make sense of what happened. Unfortunately, you can't. No matter how many times you post, we can all give you some sense of what maybe could have happened but does it all matter in the end? It doesn't because the only one that can get in his head, is him and even then, he himself may not even know why he behaved the way he did. It's just futile.

 

It's time to let go. Accept that it's done and it's gone. If you move on with your life and at some point he comes back ready to give you what you want, then decide. If you move on with your life and he never comes back, you'll keep going because we all move on from the ones we once loved. They may never fully leave your heart and mind, but without the pain and turmoil, you will be able to love and thrive again.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Zahara

[amkxoxo]

thank you. this is probably the most spot on response I have gotten and truly in my heart I know this all to be true. I just keep hoping he will come back. I keep searching for people to tell me he will or he won't. I want to move on but then I don't. I keep clinging to his words about us being together in the future and I keep questioning how that could be when we don't talk and don't live near each other any longer. I sit and wonder if he thinks of me or feels like he is missing out. I pray everyday he will show up at my door begging for me back. I hope he remembers the good times we had and he could realize we belong together. I am unsure on how to proceed. we are friends on social media. We have shared some likes and minor dialogue. I sometimes go to his area and question if I should contact him. We were suppose to meet a month ago and he was all for it. But unfortunately my work held me up and I couldn't meet him. He told me he was going to meet me and had a car so he could travel to meet me any other time. He told me to let him know if I was in the area again. I am unsure if I should do this or not. Do I wish him happy birthday or forget it. He isn't chasing me and I wish he would.

 

 

He seems to have a pattern with his girlfriends. His first real girlfriend he knew as a friend through middle and high school. He dated other girls during that time too. Then one day he said he woke up and realized he loved her and needed her and how great she was and they were in a relationship in late high school for more than a year. She cheated on him when she went off to college an dumped him for someone else. He was single for a while after this. He met some girls and fooled around with some of them but didn't have a relationship with any of them. After not talking to one of the girls for about a year, he ran into her again and they got friendly. Again he woke up one day and realized how much he needed her and they also were in a relationship for a year until she again dumped him for someone else unexpectedly. He was crushed. Then he met me. A pattern. I keep hoping I fit into this pattern, but he hasn't come for me and I cant keep chasing him like I originally did. Its no fair. I hoped by breaking the ice last month and talking to him that he would realize that I don't have animosity towards him, so that if he did want to reach out or come back he could, but he still hasn't. I am afraid he will meet other girls and because of our distance his past year he wont ever come after me. I wish he would miss me. Need me. Love me.

 

 

But I cant make someone.

[Zahara]

If you have read the many, many posts on LS, the "together in the future" is a very common response from dumpers. I've said this many times that it is unrealistic and it is unreliable. If a person doesn't want to be with you now 1) what would change that would make them want you in the future 2) how would they ever know that they may want you in the future when they haven't the slightest clue as to what's for dinner tomorrow, let alone the future 3) what could possibly happen to make two people come together when they've created so much of distance and time between each other. It's irrational thinking. Most times, for a couple of reasons, these words are said to keep you on the backburner, sometimes it is said to lessen the blow of being direct and telling you it's over, sometimes it allows the person to come in and out for whatever reasons that benefits them because they know that the dumpee is still clinging on to those words.

 

If a year has gone by and he hasn't felt the loss of you, it would be time to let go and accept that it is over. It's a sign to you that he is perfectly fine living his life without you. If those words are making you cling, you need to let those words go.

 

If there is any way for you to heal and move on from this, the only way is to remove him from your life. Until you do that, you'll always be anticipating and anxiously clinging. Yes, he isn't chasing you and you should stop waiting for him to do so. It's been a year since you both have seen each other. Chances are he is out there meeting other women. It's inevitable and it's probably happening.

 

And yes, you can't make someone love you. If you have to do that, you already have your answer.

[amkxoxo]

Thanks. I am going to try and move on as much as I can. Sometimes coming on here and having people support me gives me the push I need to continue to move on. What kept me going and what was weird, is as much as he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and maybe in the future, he constantly came back to me. He couldn't let me go. I was so confused. One time I put him on the spot, and scolded him "I don't think you are ever going to make me your girlfriend." He claimed "No that's not true, and I have other ideas. You don't know what in my head, that's not true. " Well look at us now a year later, were those his other ideas, to leave me. I'm a lot better than I was a year ago, even 6 months ago, I was a mess. I cant live my life like that. I have to be carefree, fun, and me. I have to be me again, and only me. Not me chasing him. Me. I would love him to be in my life, but he isn't and that's okay. He is missing out on me. Hopefully I can find someone better than him, more attractive, intelligent, and willing to be in a relationship with me, but with the little attributes I loved from my old guy. I miss those, and its sad to me that no guy is ever going to be the same as he is, or give me the same experiences as him. Everyone is different and unique and I cannot expect someone to be like him. I need to focus on myself and get a job and maybe romance later. Its lonely. I'm 22 and not had a serious boyfriend. It can get a little sad.

 

 

I actually met a guy a few months ago. It was on a whim but he asked me out like a gentleman. We hit it off and he was a great guy. I actually liked him. He was much different form my old guy but a good thing. Unfortunately we dated a mere couple of weeks and he had to move for work and schooling. We said we would keep in touch but he is unbelievably busy. I understand. He isn't doing it to hurt me. He has new things going on in his life. He claims to want to move back to this area after his schooling is done, so who knows, we may reconnect. Its just sad to feel like every guy I want to be open with and move forward with leaves. Or life gets in the way. Its sad.