irc333 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 This kind of ties into the "Break Up" section of these forums, but I saw "Tara Maiden's" sticky about "No Contact Guide"...great write up by the way, Tara! Though, what I found interesting, and this is bashing of the sticky, but it's funny how people get back together with an Ex quite more frequently than most. I even hear of poor souls that get to start dating someone, and I'm asking them, "Hey, whatever happened to your girlfriend/boyfriend?" and they respond with, "Their ex is back in town, so they are trying to 'rekindle' things." Tara, was this guide suggestive in preventing such matters. "Cut ties with your ex because it WILL affect ANYONE you date in the future!" Personally, I think people who get back together with an ex, are grabbing at straws and honestly its an act of desperation only because they jumped on that "dating" train and did not like what they saw and scared them back into the arms of their ex. I recall meeting this rather attractive woman in Meetup, she talked about how she's had this on and off thing going on with her local ex. He was abusive, and it was one of those typical TV scenarios...where it came to a head when the ex was banging on her door saying, "I KNOW you're going to take me back, you ALWAYS do, so you might as well open the door!" We didn't continue seeing each other, because she fell off the radar and likely went back to him. It seems people that BREAK up with someone and when they attempt to date others, they always seem to "boomerang" back to the ex and of course it frustrates their other suitors. I was wondering if someone feels the same way "Do ex's who get get back together with their ex, do so out of desperation...mostly?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) Oh, so many reasons! Although the most common ones I've seen are: convenience (which is sometimes just thinly veiled desperation), familiarity and a refusal to admit defeat. Some people are really unwilling to admit things didn't work out. Then you have those idiots with selective memories for whom the further away from a person they get, the less glaring the negatives are. Time has a nasty way of dulling sharp edges. All that crap about your ex you hated - the way she laughed, his laziness, her nitpicking, his emotional neglect...suddenly all that doesn't seem so bad after all. I've even been guilty of this. I've written before about an ex who broke my heart long ago and really made me feel like a worthless human being. This ex got back into contact with me - as I've also written about - and at first things were very formal between us but even then, I allowed myself to sort of set aside my former bad feelings toward him and agreed to meet him one evening. While I never really considered getting back with him, the disgust and repulsion I felt towards him had weakened with time. Where I once wouldn't have ever even considered being in the same room with him, I changed my tune and went out with him for drinks several times over the summer and we even had a few laughs. Why? Familiarity. We had our differences but we'd both grown a lot and no matter what ills our relationship suffered, he still knew me better and more intimately than most people I'm ever likely to meet. At least that's what I told myself anyway. In reality we just went way back and he was probably just curtailing his s*ty behavior because he wanted to lure me back in. Had I been lonely or yes, desperate enough I could very well see how I could have easily made the mistake of getting back together with him - as he confessed he was hoping more than once. However I wouldn't so much say people always get back with exes out of desperation as I have seen people throw away perfectly good - or even great - new relationships (even engagements) in favor of trying to make things work with an ex. Which brings me to my point of refusing to admit defeat. Some people really can't accept the fact that a relationship didn't work. They will even convince themselves that that ex was "the one" and that if they just gave it one more try! things would turn out right in the end. Simply because doing otherwise feels like losing. It's weird and stupid if you ask me but some folks will only learn the hard way. Edited October 2, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1
Toodaloo Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Never have so have no clue why people do it... Sorry not helpful was I...
No Limit Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 When people get back together with their ex, I'd 1. be very happy to see that they weren't as involved as I was before marriage la la la... 2. need someone who I could make "How long they will last"-bets with.
somedude81 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Sometimes I wonder that I didn't try hard enough to get my ex back. That I should have gone to her house and kinda demand that she talks to me.
Diezel Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 People do it out of convenience and comfort. Human beings are creatures of habit and routine. Most of us fall into it one way or the other. So even a hurtful relationship that is built as a part of that routine, is something we feel more comfortable with than breaking up and starting over. The longer that relationship develops, the more likely you are to go back to that ex. I wouldn't ever again. I did the on and off thing for 6 years and even though I have no regrets, I learned that nothing beats the trust and relationship level of the first time around.
Badsingularity Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Sometimes I wonder that I didn't try hard enough to get my ex back. That I should have gone to her house and kinda demand that she talks to me. I think that would have been a very bad idea. 1
somedude81 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I think that would have been a very bad idea. Considering how things are between us now, I seriously doubt that they would have gotten any worse if I tried to talk to her in person.
Crila16 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 No...never desperation. I've broken up with my ex who I realized I might not be in love with, didn't meet anyone else, started feeling lonely and got back with him. Then I realized why I had broken up with him in the first place. I didn't love him and realized I'd rather be lonely...until I was lonely again. This went on for about a year. Then there was my biggest love. I got back with him, because he broke my heart. I never got over him. We went back and forth for 6 years. I loved him so much. Then after 6 years, I got sick of the back and forth and fell out of love. I ended it. I won't get back with an ex, unless there are feelings. It's really that simple. Why would I?
Mrin Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I've never really "gone back" to an ex - as in rekindled an old relationship. I have had a good amount of "ex sex" though. That can be really fun as long as it is done under the right pretext. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I took my last boyfriend back once. He lived a 5-hour drive from me at the time, so it was anything but convenient to get back together with him. I took him back because I loved him, for a while had thought he was the man I was going to marry, and was hoping I had been hasty in ending things the first time. But the problems were pretty much the same the second time, and I broke up with him for the same reasons. Now he's back in contact and has already hinted he wants to get back together again, but I've made it pretty clear it's not going to happen. Our contact is minimal and friendly, but I think I'm going to have to go No Contact again, as every time we have even a minor interaction, I think and dream about him for days afterward - which isn't so good for moving on.
RonaldS Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 The absolute, unequivocally dumbest, stupidest, most brain-dead idiotic decision I ever made in my entire life was getting back together with my now XW after we broke up earlier in our relationship. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. I pay for that decision every day.
startinganew777 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I don't know, I think sometimes it works out. My best friend and her husband broke up 10 times before they got married! And that was in a 5 year period I think. 10 times! They are happily married, have a baby and she is pregnant again. They have a great life and great marriage. She tells me everything so I doubt it is just them portraying a good marriage. I really think they are very, very happy. They are thankful for what they have. They have been through a lot too. 8 miscarriages so their marriage was very stressful for a while. I am back with an ex I dated last year. I broke up with him because I didn't think he would commit and I think he was talking to some of his exes. We broke up for a couple months, rekindled, started dating again at the beginning of the year and now we live together and things are going great. I think he realized what he lost or what he could have had when I ended things with him. I have two guys that I dates a couple years back that got back with their exes and are still together. One of them even got married to their ex. I just think that when there is a connection, it is hard to never go back. Relationships that were toxic at the beginning, well, they will never get better. Things happen for a reason and if you end up back together and it works out, well, it was meant to be
Redhead14 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Personally, I think people who get back together with an ex, are grabbing at straws and honestly its an act of desperation only because they jumped on that "dating" train and did not like what they saw and scared them back into the arms of their ex. That's it, plain and simple. However, whatever drove them apart, still exists. Sometimes it's an endless cycle. Oftentimes, one person will start dating right away, especially a woman, because they buy into the "the way to get over a man is to get under another" mentality. That is not a healthy way to get over a break up and sometimes it's about manipulation. Anyway, break ups should be No Contact Period.
ZimboGon Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 What a bleak outlook you all have. Have you ever considered that because a break-up happened those people weren't right for each other at that exact point? You all act like the damage has already been done and they are just dead to you. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wasn't happy and wanted to see other people. She was leading on guys while we were dating, but never actually doing anything with them. I caught wind of this and we broke up and she dated other people. We grew up a little, got back together, and spent 3 more awesome years together and it was a totally different, more mature relationship. Yeah, some people rollercoaster back and forth in relationships and break up and get back together. But then there's sometimes a sweet story about a couple getting back together years later and being very happy together.
Redhead14 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 What a bleak outlook you all have. Have you ever considered that because a break-up happened those people weren't right for each other at that exact point? You all act like the damage has already been done and they are just dead to you. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wasn't happy and wanted to see other people. She was leading on guys while we were dating, but never actually doing anything with them. I caught wind of this and we broke up and she dated other people. We grew up a little, got back together, and spent 3 more awesome years together and it was a totally different, more mature relationship. Yeah, some people rollercoaster back and forth in relationships and break up and get back together. But then there's sometimes a sweet story about a couple getting back together years later and being very happy together. What you experienced is a rare thing. Are you still together? If not, what caused that break up? If you are, that is terrific.
me85 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Boy oh boy, I went back once. Never doing that again! No matter how good the sex is damnit!
Badsingularity Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Considering how things are between us now, I seriously doubt that they would have gotten any worse if I tried to talk to her in person. Guys have had the cops called on them for doing that. Also. There is pretty much no chance it would have changed her mind.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I don't know, I think sometimes it works out. My best friend and her husband broke up 10 times before they got married! And that was in a 5 year period I think. 10 times! They are happily married, have a baby and she is pregnant again. They have a great life and great marriage. I agree. One of my best friends and her husband were on and off again for 10 years while they were dating. They dated and had sex with other people during their breaks. Now they've been happily married for years, with two terrific kids and one of the sweetest, most stable relationships I know of. They always had that "can't live with him, can't live without him/her" vibe during dating, which is also what I felt with my ex, so that was a hook for me. But our problems were different - more dead-end, in my opinion. I think it's rare that a troubled relationship recovers and becomes stable and lasting, but it does happen sometimes.
johnson_j Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I think it's rare that a troubled relationship recovers and becomes stable and lasting, but it does happen sometimes. My brother is married to his first love, and they had a two year break during which he was out screwing around but she was patiently waiting for him, and it paid off. Been married almost 15 years now. They'll be together until the end and I'm happy for them. On a more somber note, my recent ex decided to try again with her ex. I know it wasn't going well for them and probably still isn't, but I don't know for certain nor am I concerned. I remain convinced that in 9/10 cases, ex relationships don't work out. Just ask my ex-fiancé, who was so "confused" about her ex, that we broke up so she could pursue things with him. Once I was out of the picture, he suddenly lost interest in her, and she still has no one, and that's been years ago.
somedude81 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Guys have had the cops called on them for doing that. Also. There is pretty much no chance it would have changed her mind. I seriously doubt that if I went to her house and knocked on her door, that she would have called the cops on me. Most likely it would have given me one last conversation with her. Maybe I could have changed her mind if I was able to talk to her in person, vs communicating just by text, which was what happened.
Diezel Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 What a bleak outlook you all have. Have you ever considered that because a break-up happened those people weren't right for each other at that exact point? You all act like the damage has already been done and they are just dead to you. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wasn't happy and wanted to see other people. She was leading on guys while we were dating, but never actually doing anything with them. I caught wind of this and we broke up and she dated other people. We grew up a little, got back together, and spent 3 more awesome years together and it was a totally different, more mature relationship. Yeah, some people rollercoaster back and forth in relationships and break up and get back together. But then there's sometimes a sweet story about a couple getting back together years later and being very happy together. And then you two broke up together, which proves the point everyone else was talking about. It may have lasted 3 more years, but it still had the same result. 1
johnson_j Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 I seriously doubt that if I went to her house and knocked on her door, that she would have called the cops on me. Most likely it would have given me one last conversation with her. Maybe I could have changed her mind if I was able to talk to her in person, vs communicating just by text, which was what happened. Even if she did, just leave. I wouldn't want to be somewhere where my presence was not desired. Oh, I did go to the ex's house. We hadn't broken up but something clearly was amiss - took a bouquet of flowers and her favorite Starbucks drink, and she gave me the bad news. Didn't even thank me for the courtesy. I remember feeling relieved as I drove away that at least I had the truth - should have went NC that day and stuck to it. Would have recovered MUCH faster.
Badsingularity Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I seriously doubt that if I went to her house and knocked on her door, that she would have called the cops on me. If a woman breaks up with you and asks you to leave her alone or to stop trying to contact her and then you show up at her house. Nothing good would come of it. You may not believe that, but I highly suggest you never do it. Ask a few women what they think about the scenario.
MidwestUSA Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I have no experience with going back to an ex, but I do want to congratulate you, OP, on THREAD #500 started! It's a remarkable accomplishment! 2
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