Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Here is my background. I started hanging out with the guy who told me he likes me but doesn't want to hurt me because he is bad in relationships. I overlooked that and kept seeing him. During one of our fights he told me he can't be in a relationship because he has issues ( we never spoke about our status but we were pretty much a couple). Since then I was leaving him every two months saying that "this is not what I want" and every time he would be doing everythng to get me back. In meantime, he was a wonderful "boyfriend". He is telling me that he is sorry his life is the way it is and if I could be patient he might be able to have a real relationship in the future. I guess I can't be patient even though I love him to death and this has been going on for a year. Recently it was my birthday ( i stopped seeing him two months ago) and he made sure to stay up late and be the first person to wish me happy birthday at 12:01. The next day he asked to see me but I said I can't keep seeing him while having feelings for him (we already had 100 conversations of this type). This time he just said ok. Yesterday I texted him and he said that Even when I am married and have kids and he is maybe with someone "stupid enough to put up with him" (his words) I will always be someone special because feelings don't just go away. I can't see myself with anyone else but this is killing me. Should I move on or give it a try? Thanks for reading
CarrieT Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Move on and go No Contact. He keeps feeding you breadcrumbs and you keep eating them. You can't see yourself with anyone but him because you keep letting him back in when he won't ever be emotionally available to you... He has told you as much. 3
Diezel Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Isn't trying and failing the only thing you two have been doing for a year? Move on. 2
CryForNoOne Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Any other guys "in play" right now? I ask because, if there aren't, be careful not to go back to him just because you're lonely or desperate. It sounds like this relationship (not him) is a loser.
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 He has told you he is bad at relationships. You have the same fights over & over because he is bad at relationships. You date. You break up. You get back together. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. The classic definition of insanity is doing the same things over & over but expecting different results. Unless you can find a magic elixir that will change him, you either have to accept him exactly how he is or walk away.
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 Any other guys "in play" right now? I ask because, if there aren't, be careful not to go back to him just because you're lonely or desperate. It sounds like this relationship (not him) is a loser. Thanks for the reply. Actually, my ex boyfriend is in touch ( and I would say still n love with me) and I sure miss the simplicity and security I had with him but I never had feelings for him the way I do for this guy and that is the reason I can't give up on this. I know he cares about me (he says he has feelings too) but I can't stop feeling uncomfortable around him ( like I am not good enough) and that is also half of the reasons I was leaving every month or so.
Diezel Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 That's a vicious cycle. End it. Be alone for a while. Learn that you deserve better than to keep treating yourself like this. 1
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 He has told you he is bad at relationships. You have the same fights over & over because he is bad at relationships. You date. You break up. You get back together. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. The classic definition of insanity is doing the same things over & over but expecting different results. Unless you can find a magic elixir that will change him, you either have to accept him exactly how he is or walk away. You are right, that is exactly what I should do. And the last time I tried to be ok with just "dating" not expecting anything I failed. This time it was because I felt so uncomfortable around him ( not good enough, not pretty enough...). And I know this is all in my head because his behaviour was as usual and he tells me all the time that I am pretty, that he likes me... But I believe that his not wanting to be in a relationship "right now" has something to do with it. The reason I am asking a question here is that I am afraid these insecurities are only in my head and it is ruining everything. Or there is more to this?
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 Move on and go No Contact. He keeps feeding you breadcrumbs and you keep eating them. You can't see yourself with anyone but him because you keep letting him back in when he won't ever be emotionally available to you... He has told you as much. He says he can't but might be able in the future. And whenever I say I am not ok with whatever we are and it hurts, he says that it also hurts him when he thinks some things are obvious ( i guess his feelings for me) but they are not and I cant see it.
Zahara Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 He says he can't but might be able in the future. And whenever I say I am not ok with whatever we are and it hurts, he says that it also hurts him when he thinks some things are obvious ( i guess his feelings for me) but they are not and I cant see it. Forget these sort of declarations. It's not realistic and it isn't reliable. Honestly, if they can't be with you now, what could possibly change that they may want you in the future? He doesn't even know what he's going to wear for work tomorrow, but he knows he might be able to have a relationship with you in the future. It's a carrot on a string. He's hurt but not enough to engage in a relationship with you. "Hurt" is relative. His "hurt" still allows him to choose to live his life without you. Your "hurt" pains you because you don't have him in your life. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 The reason I am asking a question here is that I am afraid these insecurities are only in my head and it is ruining everything. Or there is more to this? Perception is reality. You said you are uncomfortable around him. Why you are isn't as important as the fact that you are. That discomfort makes you act a certain way & it causes problems which prevent you from happily dating this guy. Relationships should not be this tough in the beginning. If it's that hard, it's not right & there is no sense continuing something that will never work. Just because he tells you that you are pretty is no reason to stick with him. 1
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 Just because he tells you that you are pretty is no reason to stick with him. I am not saying that is the reason I should be with him.i just never feel pretty enough around him and have no idea why ( he is not super hot either. And I never really had problems with my self-confidence before.
stillafool Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 Why do you not feel "pretty enough" when around him. There must be a reason. Is it because he has pretty girls around him all the time, was his ex beautiful? Do you just not feel pretty because he isn't making a commitment to you? Why is it important to you to feel pretty instead of smart?
Crila16 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 His "I'm bad at relationships" is nothing more than just an excuse. If he were in love with you, he would never screw it up with you by telling you that. When we're in love, all we want to do is be with that person, and we try our hardest not to lose them. This guy likes you, but he's not in love with you. He misses and has feelings for you...but that's about it. He's now in the missing you phase and wants what he wants, until he decides he's "bad at relationships" again. I'm going through something similar with my bff, so I know this is exactly what's happening. I'm giving you the same advice I'm giving her. Cut this one loose and move on. He's a waste of your time and he's playing with your head.
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 Why do you not feel "pretty enough" when around him. There must be a reason. Is it because he has pretty girls around him all the time, was his ex beautiful? Do you just not feel pretty because he isn't making a commitment to you? Why is it important to you to feel pretty instead of smart? I dont know. I dont really know any of his ex gfs. I just know one girl he was in love with or had some feelings for and she is ok, pretty but nothing special. He is not around pretty girls all the time. And I guess the only reason left is because he won't make a commitment. It is not more important to me to feel pretty instead of smart just this is the way I feel. And when it comes to both, looks and inteligence, I think I am ok with both but I would say more confident about the second one.
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 His "I'm bad at relationships" is nothing more than just an excuse. If he were in love with you, he would never screw it up with you by telling you that. When we're in love, all we want to do is be with that person, and we try our hardest not to lose them. This guy likes you, but he's not in love with you. He misses and has feelings for you...but that's about it. He's now in the missing you phase and wants what he wants, until he decides he's "bad at relationships" again. I'm going through something similar with my bff, so I know this is exactly what's happening. I'm giving you the same advice I'm giving her. Cut this one loose and move on. He's a waste of your time and he's playing with your head. You are right. Deep down I think the same. Just he told me about "being bad in relationships" at the very beginning. Maybe two weeks after going out. I know he wasn't in love at that point for sure. But I guess he knew he wouldn't later either.
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 It is funny though that when we started going out he kept wondering why I would be with him. He was joking that I had some secret reasons and plans. Funny how his lack of self-confidence is now something I am dealing with.
Redhead14 Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 If a man tells you he is bad for you, believe him. He is keeping you on a string because you keep coming back. He is using you whether he understands that himself or not. He knows he can't handle a relationship and that the majority of women he will go out with will see it quickly. Most women will not put up with him. Be like them.
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 If a man tells you he is bad for you, believe him. He is keeping you on a string because you keep coming back. He is using you whether he understands that himself or not. He knows he can't handle a relationship and that the majority of women he will go out with will see it quickly. Most women will not put up with him. Be like them. That is exactly what he said "if he meets someone stupid enough to put with him"... I don't know how to deal with rejection ( this is the first time I am in love and the first time I am really hurt). My self esteem is low and my ego hurts too. I guess I have to understand that he has a problem but cant stop thinking he just couldnt fall in love with me.
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 Any guys here with their opinions?
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 You don't need guys opinions. It's pretty straightforward. Not everyone is going to love you, like you, treat you right, have your best interest at heart. This gas happened to most of us on here. Your ego is bruised and you can't stand the rejection. I know you need answers but no matter what rationalization we give you, you're still never going to get the absolute truth nor will you get what you want to hear. The only one that can get in his mind is him. It would be best to accept it for what it is in that your closure was that he was never really invested in you, regardless of reasons, it's enough for you to close the chapter and walk away. 1
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 But what are his motives for chasing me for more then a year, making efforts, convincing me, trying really hard to find excuses to see me and call me every day. It was as exhausting for him as it was for me. And according to him, he got hurt more then once by my words or actions.
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 But what are his motives for chasing me for more then a year, making efforts, convincing me, trying really hard to find excuses to see me and call me every day. It was as exhausting for him as it was for me. And according to him, he got hurt more then once by my words or actions. I don't see where he was chasing you, making effort or convincing you. He was just doing the usual push and pull and the only reason he kept coming back is because he knew you would be available. Guys that do the push and pull -- come on strong to get what they want and then disappear. Lather, rinse, repeat. All he had to do was show up, do his song and dance and you'd be back in the same pattern with him. Motives -- you're always on the backburner for him to return to and get what he wants. Him being hurt by your words and actions is more like him not liking that things were not playing by his terms. Probably gaslighting you and making you feel guilty for his own behavior towards you. And if anyone should be hurt by actions and words, it should be YOU! He's played you out like a yoyo and you're analyzing his hurt?
Author Betsy_Beth Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) No, it wasn't like that at all. He told me he can't be in a relationship with anyone right now but I am more then a friend and he would like to have something with me ( the best he can make out of his situation). I thought I would be ok with that but of course I wasn't. So I would be fine for a month or two ( during which he was always amazing, no pull, no going hot and cold) but then i would ask myself "why can't he be with me" and I would just pull away. He would start texting me, talking to me, doing seeet things. At some point he would say "I cant anymore, I am out of limits" but then he would keep trying. The problem is I can't understand why he is not with me ( which ruined my self-confidence in meantime) and his refusal to tell me the reason. Few times he got drunk and told me that I should find someone better because he is just a waste and his life has been over. This makes me think he has something serious but again I can't accept the fact he wont talk to me about it. And for sure he wasn't using me for sex as he was all about doing something new and fun with me rather then sleep over. Edited October 3, 2014 by Betsy_Beth
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 (edited) Betsy, your situation isn't unique. It's been on these boards countless of times. The people that tell you they can't be in a relationship, that maybe in the future, all the while declaring love as they come and they go and come and go. If you were leaving him every 2 months -- he knew that you needed more and that is why you kept leaving. He's not stupid. The reason why he would come back is because he knows you're deeply invested and that you will be available. Regardless of sex, someone to be with, spend time with, garner attention, etc. If he went through all that effort to get you back, why couldn't he go the extra mile and give you what you really needed to secure you? Instead, you kept playing the 2 month game and he kept following along back and forth. Real relationship in the future? Toss that. The man doesn't even know what he's having for dinner tomorrow. That's a line that's often been said by guys that would like to either 1) have you on the backburner or 2) just don't have the balls to tell you it's never happening because telling you that would mean losing a benefit. He's not with you because he isn't truly emotionally invested in you. When someone wants you and wants to be with you, they will show you. They won't play games. Come and go. Push and pull. None of this chaos. And if he believes you should find someone better (another infamous line), then he's telling you that he has no issues letting you go and be with someone else. If someone wanted you, be sure they'll go through hell and high water to get you and not push you into the arms of someone else, especially when he knows you love him. Edited October 3, 2014 by Zahara
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