How do I not let this person under my skin?

[SpiralOut]

I have posted about her before. Basically she bosses and bullies me around. Today I told her "It's okay. You don't need to tell me to do that." Instead of backing off like a normal person would, she dug in her heels and proceeded to argue with me!! Seriously?

 

She is a loud, bossy and rude person in general. Everyone else has told her so but she doesn't stop it. She just laughs like she thinks it is funny. I find it very difficult to not take what she says personally. Others have commented on the way that she talks to me. I'm 90% certain that she antagonizes me on purpose. I find it difficult to not react to it.

 

Other times I don't think she is being rude on purpose. For example she randomly told everyone (in front of me) one day that she does not consider me to be a woman. She then acted surprised when she found out that I DO see myself as a woman. She then claimed that she did not mean it as an insult, but seriously, how could you say something like that and NOT realize that's insulting? I let it go, but I mean really, why would you even say that about me.

 

Yesterday she assumed that I don't know that men can cook for women, and tried to explain it to me, using her ex-boyfriend as an example. I had made a joke which I guess she misunderstood. Still, it startled me that she would leap to that conclusion. Everyone else understands my jokes. I don't know why she would think that I don't know that. I was raised by a father who cooks. I get asked out often. Most people who look at me assume that I've dated. I guess she thought that I don't? Or something?

 

I don't know. I find her very difficult to deal with. I should also mention this is at work and I get along with everyone except for her. She is the only person who acts rude to me, aside from one other woman who will occasionally - but not nearly as often as this girl does. Also, not sure if this is relevant, but she is a large woman, significantly larger than me. I've noticed that she is worse towards me than most others. I cannot figure out if this is some weird jealousy thing or if it has nothing to do with me, or what. I don't like her and I'm sure she knows that, so maybe that's why she does that.

 

I am tired of having an okay day, only to have her suddenly say or do something rude right at the end of the day. I am then stuck trying to shrug it off. I don't need advice on how to deal with her. I know what I'm going to say to her next time. I just want to know, how do I not let her get to me? How do I let what she says roll off my back?

Edited October 2, 2014 by SpiralOut

[amaysngrace]

Feel sorry for her. When you take away her power by seeing her as a weak person, which she clearly is or she wouldn't be going out of her way to make herself feel superior at the expense of someone else, then what she says will not affect you as badly.

 

Give it a try.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks I will try that. On my way home today I was thinking that she must be really scared. Seems like most angry and controlling people are scared underneath. I used to think she was a bad person, but maybe everything I see is a bunch of defense systems that she put up to protect herself from being hurt.

 

 

I think that she must walk around all day feeling attacked easily for no reason. I've watched her interpret neutral comments from other people as anger or as insults when it wasn't like that at all. That's a horrible way to live.

 

Still, I wish I didn't have to be one of her targets :|

Edited October 2, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Gloria25]

You know what, and you may have heard this before, but KILL HER WITH KINDNESS...

 

Agree with her, worship her, when you agree with someone - they have nothing to come back with you with.

 

Also, you can "agree" with her and be snarky - without being snarky - at the same time....For example when she said that 'she doesn't consider you to be a woman' then you should have said something like: "I agree, I mean, look at my sense of style - the way I dress it's hard to tell if I'm a woman, man, or a dog"...and watch the blood drain from her face cuz she won't know what to come back with.

 

And when you give your snark "agreement" don't say it in a smart or hostile tone, say it as if you really do agree with her and make sure you laugh...

[SpiralOut]

She is being friendly to me now. I haven't done anything differently since I last posted. This is confusing.

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

oh well.

[whichwayisup]

I think if you stop trying to figure her out, why she is the way she is and just accept that she's not playing with a full deck of cards and is kind of a messed up person due to her past experiences in growing up, child hood or whatever, then most of your irritation towards her will lessen. Letting her affect you (though a tiny bit) still gives her control over you. She's not a friend, she's a co worker. Be professional and polite, that's it. You don't need to sit and talk to her, hear her out. Walk away when she is talking in a group of people, that way you won't have to listen to her or deal with her.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks, whichwayisup. She said something rude again this week and I reacted more than I meant to.

 

 

It is not so much what she says but the fact that she has the nerve to say them to me. Does she not understand how rude she is being? Or is she just completely oblivious to what she is doing? I won't repeat the exact comment, but it was once again related to my womanhood. I think that crosses a boundary, insinuating something negative about another person's masculinity or femininity. I don't understand how she could possibly not understand how rude that is. She once again acted surprised when I told her I didn't like her comment.

 

 

She has made comments before about not feeling as if she's a woman, so maybe that's where some of this is coming from.

 

 

I will try harder next time to not react.

Edited October 23, 2014 by SpiralOut

[eye of the storm]

I used to work with a man who constantly made weird/rude comments. I got tired of getting upset and arguing with an idiot. So I finally started just looking at him and kinda laughing and saying "dude" while shaking my head. Then I would just change the subject. The one time he dared to try and pull it back I just looked surprised and said "OMG, Im so sorry, I had no clue you could possibly be serious". It truly shut him down.

 

You have to understand, some people are just buttheads. You cannot allow their issues to cause you to get upset. I know that is easier said than done. So I agree with the other posters ideas.

 

best of luck with this

[SpiralOut]

She hasn't said anything rude to me lately. The last time she did I said, in a neutral tone of voice, "I enjoy the way that you [what she just did.]" She started to protest. I said "I'm not angry or anything it's just that I've noticed that happens a lot." She stopped talking.

 

 

Something happened last week that struck me as odd. Someone complimented me. He made the comment to the girl about how great it is that I'm always stretching. He loves stretching too so I guess that's why he said that. The girl interrupted him to loudly say "I do it too I just don't do it in front you!!!!"

 

 

I didn't hear what he said back to her exactly but it must have been something along the lines of "be quiet" because she then told him "I was just kidding." She then told him three times that she was just kidding. He ignored her.

 

 

I will not analyze this to death (well I will try not to) but I do think it is significant. For whatever reason, she feels threatened easily. I don't know the reasons why. It doesn't matter why, I guess.

 

 

I've also noticed something else. I might be imagining things or it might be a coincidence, but there have been a few times where I would do something, then soon afterwards she would do the same thing. It would be something I have never ever seen her do before, that seems out of character for her. I would not do that thing again. She also never did that thing again, not as far as I know anyway. It seems odd to me. I once had a roommate who did that with me and it made me feel uneasy.

 

 

Guess I'm posting here again because I'm a little weirded out. It feels better to write it down.

Edited December 9, 2014 by SpiralOut

[eye of the storm]

She may look up to you. Or she may be one of those that cannot stand for someone to do/be/have/know/etc anything she doesn't.

 

Those kinds of people are sad.

[Toodaloo]

I really shouldn't worry about this girl.

 

Think of it in terms of will you remember her in 30 years time... probably not, so it makes her insignificant.

 

Smile, be polite when declining to take her cr@p and always feel sorry for her as she clearly has to be abrasive towards others to make herself feel better... Not a good way to be at all.

 

Start to ignore her when she is rude (or cut it down as you have been) but also praise her when she is polite, kind and sociable. It will take her a while to relearn how to be around people but she can change...

[SpiralOut]

Today I made a joke - not at her, but at someone else that I like - and she called it bitchy. It wasn't bitchy, it was cheeky. There was no ill intent behind it and nobody was offended. And even if it was a bit bitchy, that's not something that you say to a coworker. I have never used that word with her no matter how rudely she has acted. I am not offended but at the same time I'm not happy that she went there.

 

 

Come to think of it, that's the first time she has ever used that word with me. So I feel that a new boundary has been crossed. It doesn't seem like a good sign. Oh well.

 

 

And yes you are right, in 10 years from now I won't be thinking of her anymore. As I type this I feel a certain amount of detachment. I don't even feel angry. I did not feel angry earlier today either. I felt a small amount of glee when she said the B word and I handled it calmly. Should I even be reacting that way at all? It felt so damn good to stand back and feel calm.

Edited December 18, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Maleficent]

Who is she? Co worker? Friend? Girlfriend?

[Toodaloo]

And yes you are right, in 10 years from now I won't be thinking of her anymore. As I type this I feel a certain amount of detachment. I don't even feel angry. I did not feel angry earlier today either. I felt a small amount of glee when she said the B word and I handled it calmly. Should I even be reacting that way at all? It felt so damn good to stand back and feel calm.

 

I think this woman will continue to push boundaries. You have a way to go before she gives up. Just keep going as you are, shrug at her or ignore her.

 

Bullies thrive on attention/ reactions, if she isn't getting one and you are calm and not bothered she will eventually give up. Currently she is entering the "sulky" period where the message is starting to get there she is going to throw a tantrum and work really hard to bash against the brick wall you have put up.

 

Trust me on this. Act as though she bores the teeth off of you. Pay lots of attention to your other colleagues who you do get on with. In the long term she is completely insignificant. Treat her as such and keep rising above it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It sounds like you're feeling like it's crossing over into harassment, is that right? If her behaviour feels like this, call up your HR and get some advice. It might be that she needs a superior to have a word and tell her to start treating people in the workplace with respect before she realises how absolutely odious she is to everyone around her. ESPECIALLY if she's making remarks about your gender/sexuality, that's extremely unacceptable in modern workplaces, where everyone should be fully embracing equality and diversity!

 

My boss is similar to this. I have rarely met a woman I despise more. She is selfish, rude, aggressive, and worst of all a total hypocrite. She tells us off for being 2 minutes late, when she's at least 15 if not 45 minutes late on a daily basis. In the morning before she shows up she's the office joke wondering what time she'll arrive and what stupid excuse she'll have thought up, lately she doesn't even bother to come up with one because she knows there is no consequence, she can do what she likes. If one of us did something wrong like give a client triple the medication it should be we'd probably be escorted off the premises and fired, she does it so it's 'no big deal, these things happen' you get the picture.

 

We are in a very small team (7 including her) and for the first couple months of the job it really bothered me how much we didn't get on, she's universally disliked however and my team mates are fantastic and I know it's not personal to me so I can handle it. But we very much don't get on, I think it's made even worse by the fact that I'm new, and I stick up for myself, nobody else bothers to any more because it gets them nowhere. I knew from the first day I met her there was something about her I really didn't like and I never really get that with people generally, at all!

 

The way I learned to handle her was a) I started to pity her. She must have some stuff going on to be so miserable and nasty in the workplace. I think she's very insecure based on the way she constantly gives me 'awareness raising' lectures on such topics as 'how to speak to superiors' or 'how not to let clients manipulate me'. When they first started happening I'd assume I'd done something to cause these lectures, like perhaps I'd accidentally insulted another superior, but I really hadn't, she just likes to 'raise my awareness' on really simple topics I don't need any help with, I think because she needs to feel like she's teaching me and she has something to prove (I'm younger, slimmer, more attractive, and more qualified than she is).

 

So I feel sorry for her, she seems like a monster in our tiny office but once we get out and about in the organisation I see that she's pretty much universally disliked, tolerated at best, nobody wants to be around her and everyone pretty much sees her as irrelevant because of her actions therefore. So people kinda humour her but stay away, meaning she suddenly looks very lost and alone, when everyone around her is forging and working with close professional relationships.

 

And secondly, while I still stick up for myself and refuse to let her treat me disrespectfully, I've just started to see her as irrelevant. Other than the necessary interactions I mostly just pretend she isn't there, I don't try and build the relationship and get to know her like I used to, I don't make a song and dance of asking how her weekend was, I just get on with my job and only really engage with her when I have a reason to (whereas with the rest of my team we're all very close co workers who choose to chat about our lives, to have lunch together etc.).

 

It helps that I'm leaving soon (the job is awful and not what I was sold) but I mostly pretend that there's thin air where she is and only interact when I have no other choice. I don't know if that winds her up even more because she knows I'm not paying much attention, and if I was staying I'd have literally no chance of a promotion if she had anything to do with it. But she already disliked me from day one when I was doing my best to get on with her, based on I think the insecurity (nobody else has ever clearly disliked me like she does) so it's a lost cause.

 

So yeah... a) try and pity her and b) try and pretend she doesn't exist. Don't bother with this pretending to be her best friend crap, I'm sure you have better things to be doing with your time than that.

[SpiralOut]

 

Bullies thrive on attention/ reactions, if she isn't getting one and you are calm and not bothered she will eventually give up. Currently she is entering the "sulky" period where the message is starting to get there she is going to throw a tantrum and work really hard to bash against the brick wall you have put up.

 

.

 

 

Yep. Ignoring her is a bit difficult because she gets enraged and will sometimes up the rudeness factor. I've noticed she is very sensitive to being ignored or feeling as if that's what's happening, even if it isn't. For example she doesn't let other people talk to each other, she always needs to chime in even if it has nothing to do with her.

 

 

I ignored her anyway and it is paying off. It is at the point where she doesn't talk to me anymore unless she has to. She goes out of her way to make conversation with the two other colleagues in our department even though she doesn't like them. I know she doesn't because of the way I've heard her talk about them. They are polite with her but I don't think they like her too much.

 

It sounds like you're feeling like it's crossing over into harassment, is that right? If her behaviour feels like this, call up your HR and get some advice. It might be that she needs a superior to have a word and tell her to start treating people in the workplace with respect before she realises how absolutely odious she is to everyone around her.

 

 

. . .

 

So yeah... a) try and pity her and b) try and pretend she doesn't exist. Don't bother with this pretending to be her best friend crap, I'm sure you have better things to be doing with your time than that.

 

 

 

I know that management has told her to stop bullying people. She told us about it for some reason. Ever since then she has accused other people of being bullies even though they are nice and she is not. I guess she doesn't want to admit she's the only one. It's kind of sad really.

 

 

This month I found it easier to pity her. She has made several racist comments towards her own race. It is the same race as me (Caucasian) so I have had to correct her a couple of times. I cannot just sit there silently while she says such rude things. A couple of other people have corrected her as well and she shuts up fast. She must really dislike herself.

[Toodaloo]

Blimey this woman really is a piece of work isn't she...

 

She must be so lonely. Keep at it. Eventually she will learn. Can't believe that she is boasting about being hauled in for bullying!! Mad - completely mad!

 

It is a sad life that she is leading. If she gets worse complain but continue to ignore her and stay firm on not accepting her bad behavior.

 

Hope Next year is easier for you.

[bnx]

She sounds like she lacks empathy. Unfortunately, you are just going to have to learn how to keep it all below you just to keep from being thrown around. Every single time she upsets you, think of somebody's face who you love. Sometimes, there weren't be any fair fights.

[SpiralOut]

I noticed this week that other people notice her rudeness and speak up about it. She actually got embarrassed yesterday when she insulted someone without even realizing it. Another colleague said something and all of a sudden she took back what she said.

 

 

Two seconds later she is giving me a hard time about drinking the coffee in the break room. I mean really? Are you really so desperate to put someone down that you would pick something like that? She gave me a hard time because I did not go to Mcdonalds to buy a coffee like she did. Lol. Really, you care about that? I stayed calm and argued back in a joking way, acting as if I didn't really care. She ended up admitting that it didn't matter.

 

 

She said something else that was rude that day too but I don't remember what it was. It's easier to ignore what she says when I look around and see that other people see it too. She is making a fool of herself. Gosh is it ever annoying though. I don't understand what on earth she does that for.

[A O]

I am tired of having an okay day, only to have her suddenly say or do something rude right at the end of the day. I am then stuck trying to shrug it off. I don't need advice on how to deal with her. I know what I'm going to say to her next time. I just want to know, how do I not let her get to me? How do I let what she says roll off my back?

You need to ask yourself why you're sticking around! She sounds like a piece of work. This is going to sound mean but you do your community a service by holding on to her. If you were a mate of mine I'd be thinking you've lost your senses with this one but better you than me. You're walking on eggshells,that is just a terrible place to be. I feel for you but the way 'out' of this is crystal clear and has everything to do with you and not her.

[SpiralOut]

You need to ask yourself why you're sticking around! She sounds like a piece of work. This is going to sound mean but you do your community a service by holding on to her. If you were a mate of mine I'd be thinking you've lost your senses with this one but better you than me. You're walking on eggshells,that is just a terrible place to be. I feel for you but the way 'out' of this is crystal clear and has everything to do with you and not her.

What on earth are you talking about?

Edited January 9, 2015 by SpiralOut

[A O]

What on earth are you talking about?

Ok, so you're not in a relationship - my bad.

 

How do you deal with a bully, several options (1) you voice your concerns about her to your boss (or HR)...chances are better than good that her behavior is well known. Hopefully they can resolve this tiresome issue. (2) address her, corner her if you have to...ask her, what you (that is you,not her) have done that has lead to her behaving this way towards you. Maybe, just maybe something will spout out that might be helpful for you. If this proves fruitless then you'll have to bail her up proper, voice how you feel and just tell her to stop behaving like a pain. Finally, (3) simply avoid her which may involve you finding employment elsewhere.

 

In the face of antagonistic people, of which I have dealt with recently, I simply walked away and bailed them up later and did #2 on them. That worked for me.

[SpiralOut]

She is suddenly acting nice to me now and I have no idea why. I haven't been treating her any different than usual. I really don't know what on earth she is thinking. So now I am stuck trying to be cordial while not allowing her to get too much on my good side. I don't trust her one little bit.

 

 

Her newest best friend at work is the woman she used to complain about constantly. It would not surprise me at all to find out that she still doesn't like her. Who knows.

 

 

She antagonized someone on purpose the other day (as usual) and this time someone asked her "why do you do that?" She responded with "because it's fun."

 

 

Ugh. I needed to get that rant out.

[SpiralOut]

I forgot to mention that she likes to micromanage things. She will sit there and watch how I'm doing things at my desk and comment on it. Today she pointed out how I had placed things on it and tried to correct me. "Why are you doing it like THAT? When I do it, I put them in order!"

 

 

I just told her "uhhh I put them in order too and it's not working very well but thanks."

" . . . oh."

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

Also she got pissed off and yelled at me one day because I wrote my name on my marker. Really? What on earth is wrong with you? Another time I was looking for something at the shelf. She became very upset and freaked out at me for looking at the shelf. I had to say to her "I am making sure that we haven't forgotten anything, because there have been a few nights when we did and it was a problem. It is good that I am checking." That shut her up but I mean really? Do I really have to explain that?

 

 

Last week I was getting something from the other room. When I came back she stood there in the doorway and stared at me and didn't move, not even when she saw that I needed to get past her. I walked right up to her and she still didn't move!! I had to ask her to. I have no idea what that was about but I didn't like it. Nobody else ever acts that way with me.

 

 

I am getting better at not reacting to it. I just find her so difficult to be around. I see a comment here suggesting that I wait until we're alone and ask her why she acts that way, but we are never alone. How do I confront her when we are never alone? Should I just do it in front of people anyway?

[Toodaloo]

I wouldn't confront her.

 

She is getting very threatening in her behavior. Blocking your way is being threatening.

 

Go to HR, speak to them about it. Tell them about your concerns and let them know that you have been trying to ignore her but she is now blocking your way and getting worse. Tell them you need their advice and act on that advice. Time for you to up your anti in a non aggressive way.

 

This one really is a piece of work isn't she...