annisk Posted October 2, 2014 Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone, so my ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago. It was his call and completely out of nowhere. Despite all the time that's passed and doing my best to be most understanding of his needs, I remain very confused regarding the reason for our break up. So I was wondering if I could get help from you guys to decipher it a little? He first broke it off over Skype, a few days before I was meant to go visit him simply saying "I don't think I feel the same way about us anymore." I was completely shocked because our relationship was going fine, besides the fact that he had been acting strangely distant for a bit before. I do blame myself for ignoring the warning signs. Anyway, the only thing I asked at that point was "Is it someone else?" and he said "No, of course not." Which I 100% believe. Then, NC for 1 month and I wrote him a letter when we were both back in the same city apologising for the mistakes I felt I made during our relationship. After reading it, we set a time to meet up, with him saying it was the least he could for me. Based on all that he's said, I was leaning towards the fact that he came to realise I wasn't the right girl for him, which is fine and can't hold him against that.. even though that sucks cause I'm mad in love with him (we only dated for 11 months, v serious and both each others longest relationships I believe). And much of what he said indicated that, such as: (I'll put it in bullet points) I don't feel the same way about us anymore. i just felt as though I wasn't and can't be 100% there for you. I could say, yeah let's be together, but that would be unfair to you and I would be stringing you along. Nothing in specific happened. It's difficult because there's no main culprit to blame. I don't know what happened. Nothing you did was wrong. I still really like you. (As a friend? Or? I don't know) I still really care about you, it's not like my other ex's where I just completely didn't give a ****. There's just one thing he said that caught me off guard. THIS is where things get confusing/unclear. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, it was just bad timing is all. ?! Later that day, he sent me a message to thank me for meeting up with him and said he really didn't want to lose touch with me, but it's tricky because of residual feelings. I don't get that part about it being bad timing. If it was bad timing e.g. too young to commit, wants to focus on uni, wouldn't he have said so? Or was he referring to the pace in which our relationship progressed? I don't think he's being very malicious about this. And I'd like to think he meant everything he said. I don't doubt his honesty. There's just something he's not telling me. Good guy and we're not on bad terms, thankfully. Just a bit confused at the moment. Looking forward to your responses. Edited October 2, 2014 by annisk
lvroflife Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 He was being polite with that statement. Let him go! Focus on you and do for you! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 There likely is something he isn't telling you. But do you really want to know what it is? The relationship has ended now. Try not to focus so much on the why's. Focus on moving forward.
Frank2thepoint Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 He first broke it off over Skype, a few days before I was meant to go visit him simply saying "I don't think I feel the same way about us anymore." I was completely shocked because our relationship was going fine, besides the fact that he had been acting strangely distant for a bit before. I do blame myself for ignoring the warning signs. Anyway, the only thing I asked at that point was "Is it someone else?" and he said "No, of course not." Which I 100% believe. I gather you guys were long distance. If this is correct, and he was being aloof, consistently pulling away, there is a possibility he met someone else in his city, someone physically closer to him than you. Based on all that he's said, I was leaning towards the fact that he came to realise I wasn't the right girl for him, which is fine and can't hold him against that.. even though that sucks cause I'm mad in love with him (we only dated for 11 months, v serious and both each others longest relationships I believe). And much of what he said indicated that, such as: There's just one thing he said that caught me off guard. THIS is where things get confusing/unclear. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, it was just bad timing is all. ?! Spending 11 months together, and pulling away is not bad timing. It most likely means his feelings changed due to an external stimuli, which supports my theory that he probably met someone physically closer to him. Since he is going to uni, it is a strong indicator he met someone at school. I don't get that part about it being bad timing. If it was bad timing e.g. too young to commit, wants to focus on uni, wouldn't he have said so? Or was he referring to the pace in which our relationship progressed? I don't think he's being very malicious about this. And I'd like to think he meant everything he said. I don't doubt his honesty. There's just something he's not telling me. Good guy and we're not on bad terms, thankfully. Just a bit confused at the moment. Looking forward to your responses. I'm not sure what pace your relationship progressed, but both of you invested 11 months into it. He pulled away due to a strong reason. He could be lying that there isn't anyone else and letting you down easy, to not hurt your feelings, or the alternative, he is young and wants to enjoy dating other girls before committing to one person. I am sorry for your loss and confusion. Amicable break-ups are confusing and sad. There is no anger, no blame, just questions, disorientation, and an attempt make sense of it. You will probably never get the full picture, or all the answers, just a deep loss. Hope this helps.
BC1980 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Often times, you won't get an actual reason unless it's something very concrete you can point to. Like cheating, abuse, or addiction, ect. Most often, people just loose feelings, or their feelings change. I know that's a really hard reason to accept because it's not black or white. It also doesn't give you anything you can fix because it's beyond your control. I've read so many threads on LS, and the vast majority of breakups seem to be due to it just not "feeling right" anymore or basically someone falling out of love or feelings just dying over time. A lot of people, myself included, come to LS and want people to decipher their breakups and give them some reason that it happened. It pretty much never works out that way unfortunately, so the best thing to do is just accept that it's over and move on. You will never know the real reason, and the dumper often doesn't understand it either. They just lost feelings, and they can't control it. 1
BikerAccnt Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 My GF just broke up with me this past Sunday. I don't event think she was very clear on the reasons. I think she'd been having doubts for a couple of months, had voiced a couple of concerns that I was trying to address but.. Sometime, even the dumper isn't 100% sure why, they just know/feel that something isn't working for them. It may not even be anything that we did, they just don't feel we are compatible. 3
Author annisk Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) Thanks everyone for your responses so far! Frank2thepoint, we weren't long distance. We were just apart from each other at that point. We live in the same city and go to the same uni. So I don't really think bad timing was the issue at all. Or if it was, I'm not quite clear on why it was. Nor do I think it's anyone else. I really do think he just came to realise that we weren't compatible. Alas. BikerAccnt, I'm sorry to hear about you and your GF. I can say the same for my ex-boyfriend. I think he had been having doubts for a couple of months prior to our break up as well. It's sad, really. But we'll get through. I suppose the hardest part of it all is having to deal with the loss of someone so dear to you. Stay strong, my friend! We're in this together If I'm being honest, I am only now asking this on LS because I think I'm over it enough to hear/accept what people have to say. Or, "no longer in denial". It's a little bit scary because I feel as though I'm forgetting about him and I guess I don't want to entirely. Edited October 4, 2014 by annisk
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