Seperated and

[babyrat4]

Hi. New here and have some questions. I have been reading a lot of websites trying to make sense of everything and I keep coming back here so figured I should register and get some advice. But before I start telling my story, I ask please don' t say to give up, he's not worth it, etc. A few other places I have tried that's exactly what they have said.

 

Sorry in advance for being so long.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years in October. We have been separated for 2.5 months now. We have 4 children 21, 17, 14, and 2. My husband was a long haul truck driver for 5 years. Last October were started have financial difficulties due to owning our truck and major repair bills. At the end of January we decided to park the truck, sell it, and he find a local job. He came home middle of February. The first 2 weeks home were great in every way possible. Then March came. I found out that he met up with a friend of MINE when he was on the road in New Mexico, back at the end of January. She lives here in our small town. They had no relationship prior to this. An affair was started. It went on for 4 months. While I knew he was seeing her and texting her etc I stayed quiet and let it go. I know that was stupid but he was still living with me, sleeping together, telling me he loves me, everything. Nothing changed between us. Then she started texting more and more. She was told to back off twice. But instead she decided to make it worse. To the point we had no time together without her in the picture somewhere. One night we got into an argument over here and he said he was done and wanted a divorce and moved out. i did not and do not want a divorce. We didn't talk for a few days after he left. When we did he told me he changed his mind and wanted a legal separation.

This is where it's goes wonky. We still meet even though he can't tell her because she gets angry. We have to talk on email because she checks his phone and gets mad if we text about anything other than the kids. if he comes to the house she blows his phone up not stop until he leaves. So he rarely sees 2 of the children including the baby who is our only boy. I do not contact him in anyway first. He initiates all the contact. There are times we talk and he is fine and then there are times he is upset and angry. I know it's not at me. He told me a few weeks ago he had thought abought coming home but hasn't in a while due to work (he has been working 6days a week). He believes she is cheating but without proof he won't leave. He says he wants me to date to get out of the house but if I am not home he gets jealous because he thinks I am on a date. Last week he told me If he finishes the paperwork he only wanted a few more things out of the house. They are the same things he has been saying all a long so I didn't think anything of it except he used the phrase IF. He has had the paperwork since the day he moved out (she got it for him). He also told me last week that we had to stop seeing each other for a while. That lasted 6 days before he was asking to see me again. Yes I do go to their house. Yes I do know that he is probably just keeping me around just in case. She does not have a good reputation in this town and I know this is the 5 th marriage she has gotten in the middle of.

I do not talk bad about her to the kids or him and I do not prevent him from seeing the kids either. Last night when I saw him he held me tight for the first time in a couple of weeks.

Btw he is going to be 46 in December, I am 43, and she just turned 42.

 

I know I am doing everything wrong but I am not willing to give up. I told him I love him, I miss him, and I want him to come home when he is ready. When we met last week it was suppose to be to go over paperwork. We were together talking for 2 hours and together again later and the only thing he said about the paperwork was the IF statement.

 

What is he going through? Does the thought of coming g home ever go away once it comes into their minds? I know there is not a good foundation because of the cheating? Any advice would be helpful. I am working on me and taking care of me and our children and have no desire to date but I do get out of the house so I am not waiting around for him

 

Thank you

[preraph]

He's keeping you both going at once because that's what men like to do if women will let them. I'm not married, so I'm no expert. I do understand that after 22 years, you are not ready to just let him go and that it's hard the older you are too, very hard. And you still have to see him because of the kids anyway. I get it.

 

I think right now you're enabling him by still being there for him when he needs you. I think you are quite right to stay civil to him for the kids' sake and stay on good terms, but I think it would make him blink and hesitate if you stopped accommodating him and being available to him and did start at least going out with women friends or just visiting them and not telling him what you're doing and just let him worry about that. He is not certain he wants to be with this woman but is enjoying the sex and excitement, no doubt. So my advice is be civil but stop telling him what you're doing and with whom and stop being available for him emotionally and do not let him keep tabs on your comings and goings except about he kids and seeing the kids. Let him get a little taste of that and start worrying if he's throwing away a good solid relationship with a good woman he knows very well for an unreliable one with a bad reputation. I bet if you do that and refuse to get real personal with him until he says it's over with her, he'll come back pretty soon.