marli Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Hi, I have been divorced for almost 2 years and have finally entered the dating scene and am seeking advice. I have one child in kindergarten and was married for almost 12 years. My divorce was the result of my ex-husband's infidelity. I was devastated and was in counseling for a over a year. I made it a point to heal before I began dating and not to have a rebound relationship as not to hurt anyone else. Through work I met a man who is about 10 years older, divorced, with teen-age children. He is very kind and we were immediately attracted to each other. It started out with exchanging work related email; then personal email; going for lunch; then going for dinner...etc. This has been going on since New Years. Here is the snag, this kind, down to earth man loves to go to the neighborhood bar on Friday and Saturday evenings, and sometimes on Sundays to watch sporting events. For various reasons (included my ex's infidelity) I detest the bar scene and everything it represents. I find it much more acceptable to spend a weekend evening going out to dinner together or with friends. He says if I care for him, then I should accept him for who he is because he is not going to change. I find this hard, because I do care for him and other than this one (somewhat large) obstacle things are good. Now I wonder if I should move on and seek out someone who shares my ideas and values or should I realize that I have a nice guy and accept the fact that he enjoys the bar thing, even if it bothers me. I have a gut feeling of what our next step will be but I would like to hear from people who have been out in the dating world longer than I have.
sami Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 If he is not reasy to understand and accept your position, then just keep going. You may talk to him as a caring friend though but nothing beyond that I believe.
Merin Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 IF you feel it's a deal breaker.. then yes, move on. This guy has already said he isn't going to change because in his words "This is who he is" HOWEVER the flip side to that is it ISN'T who YOU are and honestly wheres the compromise in this? While I can understand that he doesn't want to give up what he enjoys.. it isn't fair to expect you to be okay with something you have strong feelings about, and you didn't say that he made any effort to meet you half way.. as in "What if we made saturday evening ours and do something YOU like, on Fridays I'll go and watch my games at the bar" If he isn't willing to meet you half way now.. what would he be like later...
Craig Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 For various reasons (included my ex's infidelity) I detest the bar scene and everything it represents.If you didn't detest the bar scene would it be okay for him to watch sporting events at the bar? IMHO his watching sports in a bar isn't his problem, it's your challenge. I say challenge because you have reasons that you detest the bar scene but is it possible that his reasons for going to the bar don't have anything to do with the reasons you detest it? The bar triggers a negative response in you based on your personal experience of a bar (within a certain context) that may not be anything like what is going on for him. I don't know if any of this applies to you, I'm just speculating. By the way I neither watch sporting events or go to bars so I don't have a bias. On the other hand if his behavior at the bar isn't what you want then of course I'd say move on.
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 At some point you shall have to accept the fact that not all men cheat and going to bars doesn't mean you're looking for some "fun". Maybe you're still vulnerable. Anyway, personally I find it odd that a man in his 40's likes to go ALONE all week end to bars. If he's got buddies and they do it on regular basis, it's different. But alone.... It would certainly be a deal breaker to me, and I'm not married and I haven't been cheated on (per se, lol). Take Merin's advice: if it's a deal breaker, don't go for it. Say "no" right now and spare yourself of some great pain on the long run. There's nothing worse than a man who continus to undermine the selfconfidence!!! Be brave. That's the luxury of being single: you can say "no, thanks" at any time! Use this advantage !!! Cheers, Curly
Author marli Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 Thank you all for taking the time to respond .... it is greatly appreciated!!
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