What if the Wife Finds Out?

[liswil]

When the MM's wife finds out about the A--do they leave them? Do they kick them out? Do they try to get counseling?

 

I'm not saying this for my situation as I have no inclination to tell her. Also, I'm at the point where I realize that if I "got" him I probably wouldn't trust him.

 

I also hope that the OW's reading this, don't think that telling the wife will help them get the guy. Even if she leaves him, I don't think it'll help. The problem isn't his wife--it's him and he can't extricate himself from himself.

 

I would think that if the wife does stay with the MM it wouldn't be too much fun. I would hate to be them and have to watch the guy like a hawk. I was in that situation once awhile back and it's an awful way to live. And I don't believe the trust ever comes back.

 

I know some of you are in situations where you stayed with your husband or wife after they cheated and say that you trust them now but I really don't think that you ever can.

 

I do know that often the MM will blame the OW in order to keep the wife after she finds out. But I don't think (deep down) that the wives are foolish enough to REALLY buy that. I think they know---even if they don't want to know.

[izzybelle]

i was terribly confused about the situation when my MMs wife found out. she threatened to kick him out, wanted a divorce, saw an attorney, talked about selling the house .... of course most, if not all of this, she had also threatened BEFORE she found out about the A. worst ... she threatened to try to ruin his relationship with his kids. that she would tell them exactly what he'd done. i do believe his daughter knows and i've asked if he's seen any change in his relationship with her, he hasn't, but i don't know how she would have felt if the marriage had dissolved.

 

she agreed to take him back and try to make the marriage work, or something like that. the original deal was that she wanted him to "hang in there" until their son is settled in college, well that will be this fall, so we'll see. i'm still not convinced that this isn't all just a game she's playing but, it is no longer my concern. we still talk, but he's made his choice....

[sami]

She may cut off his dick.

[liswil]

Originally posted by izzybelle

she agreed to take him back and try to make the marriage work, or something like that. the original deal was that she wanted him to "hang in there" until their son is settled in college, well that will be this fall, so we'll see. i'm still not convinced that this isn't all just a game she's playing but, it is no longer my concern. we still talk, but he's made his choice....

 

People are terribly afraid of change. They'll stay in some of the worst relationships out of that fear (I did). But don't fool yourself into thinking their relationship is good.

 

She's on hyper alert to see any signs of cheating now. Ever thing he does or says now, she's dissecting for clues (that's how we react when we've been fooled before).

She probably also alternates between anger/rage to fear of expressing her feelings for fear of pushing him to cheat again.

She also wonders what she did wrong or what wasn't good enough about herself.

 

He feels guilt and shame. He no longer can even pretend that he's a decent person. This probably makes him withdrawn and depressed. He's probably terribly worried that she can take him to the cleaners now and keep him from seeing his kids. He feels like he's in prison because he gets questioned about everything he does now. And even when he tells the truth, he's doubted by her.

 

 

 

Does that sound happy to you?

[liswil]

Originally posted by sami

She may cut off his dick.

 

LOL--I forgot. He'll have that fear as well!

[izzybelle]

liswil,

 

from everything i know about their relationship, and granted it's slanted, i think you're right on target in all respects. he had cheated before and i'm sure she was on alert for all the signs again this time. and while it's no excuse, how many times do you listen to "i hate the sight of you" type things before you look for someone else who will love you. i know that's not the way it should go. he should have left first before he became involved with me. and i know she continues to throw it back in his face.

 

and no, that doesn't sound happy to me, not even remotely. not a life i would want to be living. and i'm not convinced that now, almost a year after we were discovered, that things have gotten better.

[liswil]

Even if they don't hate each other to begin with, it's still not going to be a good marriage after she finds out.

 

In many cases, it often wasn't a good marriage BEFORE she finds out. It might have even "appeared" to be a good one---but how good can a marriage be when one person is deceiving another???

 

But here's something else that I hope a lot of people here realize:

 

It's not always that they cheat BECAUSE they have a bad marriage. The real reason a lot of them cheat is because of something missing inside themselves. Bad news is, a new relationship isn't going to fix that. They're the only ones who can fix it.

[izzybelle]

It's not always that they cheat BECAUSE they have a bad marriage. The real reason a lot of them cheat is because of something missing inside themselves. Bad news is, a new relationship isn't going to fix that. They're the only ones who can fix it.

 

you're absolutely right and i think this is something that needs to be discussed and hopefully overcome, if the relationship between MM and OW ever progresses to that point. i had a long discussion with a male friend of mine about all of this. his W left him for her MM who left his W for her. and i know he struggles with all the what ifs, but also realizes that it could have just been her. he wanted more than anything to save his marriage. whether it was the thrill of the chase, the newness, or something in her that the MM played off of, he'll never know. all i know is that in talking with another friend, his W was a woman who was so against divorce, she was convinced that there were no problems in a marriage that one couldn't overcome. and to look at them just a little over a year ago, one never would have guessed that they'd be headed down the road they are now. they had what appeared to be from the outside, a perfect marriage. they were that couple that so many want to be. even after 15+ years they still held hands and looked at each other with that look that only those in love share. little did anyone know......

[liswil]

That happens more often than we think.

 

Lately I've started to see that my MM is more screwed up than I thought. We don't have too close of a relationship at this point and have not actually had sex---but we have been physical.

I'm starting to wonder if what he says is the truth or not. The weird thing is, if they are lies, I really think he believes them.

 

The other day we were together and he got into feeling guilty again and stopped himself again. He told me how he was going to go to confession and never do this again (although still be friends). The next day he told me how he went to church for 2 hours after he left my house. I asked him if confession in his church was private like in the Catholic church I was raised in and he said yes. I know that his wife knows people in the church well and I asked him if he didn't think they'd recognize his voice (he has a distinctive voice). He said his church was closed so he went to a different one.

 

Now, he's a very busy executive so I sorta doubted the two hours in church.

 

 

He also told me how he really felt bad because when he got home his wife (who was home with a cold that day) had fixed this nice dinner for him saying that she hadn't been able to cook much lately so she thought she would.

 

 

Those are just a few of the things I've seen in him lately that is starting to make me think he's really kinda screwed up in the head.

[liswil]

Here's something else (guess I probably should have started a thread on it).

 

The other day we were going to meet somewhere for coffee. He wanted to do that so we would just stay friends only. I was ok with that. The coffee shop we were going to meet at was one where you have to pass through my neighborhood to get to. He wasn't sure where it was exactly and I asked him if he wanted to come by and we could take one car but he said no since he was short on time.

 

He called me on his way there and asked me if I had left yet and I said that I was on my way out the door. He said he was passing by my street. I asked him if he would just want to come by and go together and in 2 minutes he was there. Well one thing led to another and we messed around.

 

Then he said how we were supposed to go for coffee and look what ended up happening.

 

I really think he's convinced himself that it's all just happening by accident--and that's how he's justifying it in his mind.

 

Is that screwy or what???

[Mr Spock]

No. They don't kick them out. And the men don't leave.

 

 

Wives are just as stupid as OW.

[MsMree]

They almost never leave, never cut their dic!s off (after all, that is the tool they will first use to try to fix the M).

 

My MM has told W twice that he was in love w/me - the short version is, she stayed (however lives 1500 miles away) and now pretends everything is FINE - no issues whatsoever in her M.

 

 

I also hope that the OW's reading this, don't think that telling the wife will help them get the guy.

 

I believe that this rarely happens - kind of "Amy Fisher"ish" minus the gun" - I really don't know any desperate OW

[stormywind]

I don't believe that they never leave---maybe not "right away" but I do believe that many leave because cheating will destroy a relationship. Look at the high divorce rate---how can we figure that so many would stay together after cheating?

 

Btw, in my case, I did stay with him for awhile until I had solid proof and it happened right in front of my face. Technically I had proof before that but just didn't want to see it. Once I saw it, I kicked him out. We don't all stay with cheaters.

[Breathe]

BS is only "stupid" if he/she stays in a M where the cheating never ends. BS believes in the vows, "for better or for worse" and also believes all people make mistakes... people can change... etc. All relationships are different here but one truth remains:

 

OW/OM had a choice to (if they new about M) to have relationship w/MM/MW.

MM/MW had a choice to have a relationship with OW/OM.

BS - never had a choice about affair. It was provided for him/her. Only once discovered does he/she get a say in any of this.

[StillHurtin]

When H told me he wanting a D and I heard he was having an A I kicked him out. He wasn't going to leave on his own, I had to tell him to get the he!! out. I told him if he wants a D and wants to screw around then he needs to find some place else to leave. He did leave. A month later I moved out of our home w/ our children and moved 90 miles away to get the he!! away from him. That lasted a little over a month and he came crawling back to me. For several weeks I told him that the M wont work and to go on w/ his life. I did A LOT of praying b/c after I had talked to him several times for hours over I decided to give the M another chance. He made a lot of major changes in his life and has prooved many times how sorry he has and wants to make our M work. And the trust is slowly coming back. If I didn't trust him I wouldn't of let him go out of state w/ his friends to a basektball game.

[liswil]

So then cheating isn't that bad because "all people make mistakes".

 

I disagree. I've seen what it does to relationships. By saying the the w is in it for better or for worse is giving the cheater an excuse.

 

I've been on both sides---have you?

[Owl]

Interesting thread. I'll throw in my 2 cents worth.

 

I'm a BS. My wife had an online emotional affair a while ago. Had I not found the proof when I did, I'm convinced it would have become a physical affair within a few weeks (we'd talked about meeting at an event between our state and his...and had considered camping there!). My wife and I have done a LOT to heal our marriage, and it's not nearly so bad as I've seen a lot of OW/OM here want to make it out to be after the affair is found out. IF...both of them TRULY work on it.

 

My wife made a one time mistake. Things weren't going well in our marriage...mostly due to her untreated depression. She turned emotionally to someone else. It got way out of hand, and certainly would have gotten worse had it not ended when it did.

 

Yes, for a while afterward, the marriage is in chaos. I worried for quite a while that I was still being duped, and that they could somehow have remained in contact (it took a month and a half for the contact to finally end). Yes, we are still going to counseling, and are still trying to deal with some of the aftermath of what happened.

 

But...in a lot of ways, our marriage is as good now as it was when we first got married. We're TALKING about the problems, and dealing with them. We are both a lot more affectionate with each other, and we're both working to make sure that we're meeting the other person's emotional needs. She's learned how to set some better boundaries for her relationships with others, and she's gone out of her way to show me that she IS trustworthy now. I don't spend all my time checking up on her anymore. Things between us are damned good at the moment...and I don't see them getting worse in the future, I see them getting better.

 

So while the marriage does suck for a while as they're working out the aftermath of the affair, the affair is NOT always a deathblow to the marriage. And you know what...it's NOT always that there is something wrong with the BS that leads to this, or a fundamentally bad marriage that leads to an affair. There is often something within the WS that is the real cause...and if that can be helped, then the marriage can be saved and made better.

 

And Lis- One important thing that has to be acknowledged for a marriage to recover from this...that there IS no excuse for an affair. I've forgiven my wife for what she did...but that doesn't mean it's ok to do it again. And she knows that. She's got no "excuse". Nor does anyone else. "For better or for worse" means that you've agreed to work through any problem that is workable. It doesn't mean that you're a slave to the other. It doesn't mean that you have to forgive them if they repeatedly do something like this over and over...no more than a battered spouse should have to stay in THAT kind of relationship.

 

I've had a few people comment that I've "mellowed" out some, so I hope this post doesn't come back to shock them. But honestly, I've seen a number of comments on this thread that make it look like the people here are trying to justify being the OM/OW. There's no justification for an affair...on anyone's part. There's no excuse...for the WS, or for the OM/OW. If you are involved in a relationship that you know you shouldn't be in, then you've made that decision to be there. Own up to it, decide what you're going to do about it (if anything...choosing to remain where you are is always a choice), and drive on.

 

I've not been on both sides...because I've chosen not to be. I've had my "opportunities", like anyone has. But, my choice was to remain faithful in my marriage. My choice was to not to get involved with someone that was already involved with someone else. These were my choices. What you chose may well have been different.

[moimeme]

There's no justification for an affair...on anyone's part. There's no excuse...for the WS, or for the OM/OW. If you are involved in a relationship that you know you shouldn't be in, then you've made that decision to be there. Own up to it, decide what you're going to do about it (if anything...choosing to remain where you are is always a choice), and drive on.

 

Precisely.

[liswil]

Owl---what would have happened if the affair was local and they had sex more than once?

 

 

 

 

I too don't think there's a good excuse for an affair.

 

Btw, I know a lot of depressed people who did not cheat on their partner (myself included). How does that make depression a reason then?

 

Does your wife get online now by herself without you having access to it?

[ww]

what if she? I never cared about her . Never felt any guilt bc of her. It`s her spouse so is her problem.

C`monn ladies...how many of you even cared a bit about wife during the A? honestly

[Owl]

Lis-

 

Again....I don't give her depression as an excuse for her to have had an affair. There is no excuse. She made a bad decision, and has responsibility for that decision. Just as her OM made his. He KNEW she was married from the day they met online. He and I gamed together online, and he claimed to be my friend. But...he too made the choice to pursue a relationship with her under those circumstances.

 

Depression was a factor. It absolutely impaired her ability to make good choices. Does that mean that it justified her actions? No. I do believe that had she been getting treatment for her depression, she would have made better choices. But, at the end of the day, she made the choice to do what she did.

 

You asked what would have happened had this been a local, physical affair? I myself would probably have not made the effort that I did to reconcile our marriage. Again...that would have been MY choice. Remember too that she moved out of the house, and was ready to board a flight to him. She would have spent that nite in his house if I had not gone to her motel room that day...and I have absolutely no doubts about what would have happened when she arrived.

 

But I also have to temper that response with this thought...I always said that if she ever "cheated" on me, I'd leave her. But when she did so (at least emotionally), I didn't. I can't tell you for sure what would have happened in that event...because I can tell you that I did NOT react to this event in any way that I would have thought prior to this.

 

Finally, yes, my wife does go online now. I did have a keylogger on her computer, but had removed it back in October as a sign of my trust for her. Interestingly enough, SHE asked me to put it back on about a month ago. My kids (all teens) know the whole story. And they knew that I'd had tracking software on all of the computers. And they also knew that I had removed that software from her computer. My wife noted that they had started using her computer exclusively, and avoided using mine (that they knew still had that software on it). Her thoughts were that the kids were doing that because THEY wanted to hide something, so she asked me to put it back on. She noted..."I've got nothing to hide, so having that on my computer isn't a problem." So I do have visibility to what she does, but in truth, I've not been worried about it.

 

I DID worry for a good while about the affair continuing. But, I am convinced that it is dead, and has been since shortly after I found out about it. The affair itself began dying when it was exposed...it changed how they intereacted. She couldn't hide things anymore. It took about 3 weeks before she made the choice to work on our marriage after the affair was out in the open...and about another three weeks for the contact to finally end. She was convinced that she could maintain a "friends only" contact with the OM...which of course I couldn't believe or trust.

 

Interestingly, she now admits that she probably COULDN'T have maintained a friendship only relationship with him now. She now can see why it had to end like it did. But at that time, she was so desperate to keep him in her life (an addiction) that she was looking for anyway possible to make that happen.

 

Thoughts?

[liswil]

What I don't get is how my MM is going to MC and has been seeing me more often now. And MC was his idea too.

 

With the online thing it MIGHT not be as bad. Reason being that they might not have to lie to you that much. I mean they don't have to lie about where they're going or stuff like that. What really kills the relationship is the lies.

[Owl]

Well Lis, I think the lies are still all there. It's all the same, except for the sex. And even then, there's the fantasizing aspect of that. The WS still has to tell the same lies to maintain the onine affair as the physical one. "There's nothing going on." "It's just a friendship, nothing more" "You've got nothing to worry about". At the end of the day, the deception is still the same.

[BoatingBabe]

I hear this 'men never leave' throughout the thread, but then why is the divorce rate over 50%??

[liswil]

I think what usually happens is--the wife leaves. Either she leaves because of the A, or she leaves because things weren't good to begin with or she leaves because things are worse after the A. You know some people who are cheated on will try to get the person back by cheating. Then what kind of marriage do you have?

 

Yes, I think many times the MM wants to stay together but given time, I think many of those marriages crumble.

 

Statistics say women are the ones more often filing for divorce. Boy, that really makes getting married look real attractive to me.........!