slept my ex after 2 years and desperate to get back but she doesn't

[wantherback2]

I'll try to be brief and give some history here.

 

Long story short I fell for a woman (she 34 I was 40) while living in a foreign country and we had very thrilling relationship. We laughed a lot and sex was amazing. We ended up moving in together. My clinginess and dependence on her to be my everything didn't match well with her needs to focus on her work and got moody and frustrated a lot since didn't want to say no to me. I also noticed women sometimes and had dating profile still and to her this was like cheating. I did some really dumb things. She felt she couldn't trust me. She said she loved me but between the stress of that and us breaking up, me moving back home, then back again, then moving out again...etc. Eventually my smothering, neediness and all the confusion just killed her feeling for me and she says she saw me like a son or something. Like a kid. I finally agreed after so much pleading that the only way i could show her i did care about her was to respect her wishes and leave her alone. It was the only way i had the strength to not contact her was to think it was good for her. We had been together for 4 years.

 

I did NC with her and it nearly killed me I was so in despair. After about a year or so, she emailed me saying that she we have been through a lot together and cares about me and wants to stay in touch. I said OK but was nervous at first since didnt want to get unbalanced. So we have been emailing and chatting only now and then for about 2 years. Never met since in different countries.

 

Ive tried dating women, but never came anything close the the feeling and easiness of being with her or anyone remotely interested in.

 

I emailed her one day saying i missed sex with her (half joking but curious to see her reaction) and wanted to come back to her country for a visit. She said sure sounds good. We had not seen each other in 2 years, but it was like nothing had changed..immediately felt like my GF again. we had such a great time, we made love, it was like (to me) we were together again. I havent been so utterly happy in 2 years.

 

Since ive lost most of my family to death or lack of closeness and have lost all my close friends, she is the closest person in the world to me. She knows me better than anyone (maybe even myself) and i feel so relaxed and happy with her, even doing nothing. Well then it was time to go home and as soon as i got on the plane, all the missing her and pain of separation came back. Its like i went back to losing her all over again.

 

I called her and told her I was having those unbalanced feelings again and she was very understanding and tried to support me. She said she thinks of me like family, almost like a son. But how could she have sex with me? It brought back my feelings for her but it seems she is handling it herself. I asked her about it and she said she has to not let herself feel it since doesnt want to get into that place again of being unbalanced by me (or anyone) make so doesn't want a boyfriend. I feel she may have sex friend and its killing me. The thought makes me want to vomit. She didnt say directly and in fact said didnt want to sleep around because of disease, but she did some thing we never did before in bedroom. I want to be only one to touch her. She even said to me why dont i get a sex friend to not feel so lonely? Thats the last thing i want to hear. This is bothering me so much.

 

She if helping me get a visa to come to her country again and she said we could meet like 2 times a year just like we did recently, but not for seeing each other like before. I asked why not more often and she said she doesnt want either of us to get unbalanced again. She said maybe way down the line, years from now we could be together if we both want to.

 

I know she cares about me, but I hate that my clinginess and making her lose trust in me destroyed our relationship in the beginning and then after seeing her I got some of those old feelings back. I want her back someday so i fear i messed things up. How can she surpress her emotion that way after the bonding we had making love? I know she felt something.

 

My only chance to get her back someday is to start being more confident and build a good life, etc..i know. but my mind wont stop thinking about how much i want her back no matter how much i try. I dont want to go NC with her since she is person closest in the world to me and is like my family, but I also dont want to be unbalanced and crazy again if see/talk too much. I try to think 2x year is better than nothing and better than 1x every 2 years.

 

Any ideas on how to proceed? I really want to be with her someday and i think she does too, she says so, but would be a long way off.

Im walking the line of wanting to be in her life but not too much if so stay balanced and leave chance for future.

Edited October 1, 2014 by wantherback2

[cif]

This is one of those relationships where you need to maintain NC forever.

[caplion]

From what you describe it doesn't sound good. It sounds like she has never met you 1/2 way in your entire relationship - she's protected herself the entire time. Even if you are with her again she'll pull back - you might be together for 2 years or 20 but from what you describe it sounds like she'll bail out again. And from what you describe it doesn't sound like she wants much of a relationship right now anyway. You'll need to find out why you picked someone who's really not available - both geographically and emotionally. Sex is a weird thing - I'm probably like you that sex means a great deal - but I guess to others it's just some activity they enjoy. So sorry.

[leoc1973]

well a couple things here. First of all it sounds like when she says she looks at you like a son its almost like she is belittling you. You are not a man to her. Probably because you spill every bit of your feelings for her every time you talk to her. She is pitying you instead of looking at you as a potential partner. She is pretty much giving you a pity F$%K.

 

Second of all she is keeping you on the back burner just in case she can't find someone special to spend her life with. You are plan B.

 

Like the other 2 posters said. This is someone you should cut off forever unless you can somehow switch the way she looks at you. Which I don't think you will ever be able to because I have a feeling that every time you talk you tell her how much you love her miss her need her ect. It's called wearing your heart on your sleeve and that isn't a bad thing but to her it just makes her pity you. And the last poster said it perfectly. Sex meant way more to you than it did to her. You are thinking of it as this magical movie type moment where you make love and the passion just connects you and you live happily ever after. She is just trying to get laid.

 

You need to find some other women to spend some time with because you are dwelling way too much on someone you only saw once in 2 or 3 years.