How soon to ask if a woman is single, and best way to do it?

[xxoo]

Patience, Daniel son.

 

Why the need to know ASAP? For sure, the topic will come up before the first date.

 

Show interest, look for signs of returned interest, and segue into a proper date invitation. There is probably no need for phone numbers until the date is set.

[gaius]

Patience, Daniel son.

 

Why the need to know ASAP? For sure, the topic will come up before the first date.

 

Show interest, look for signs of returned interest, and segue into a proper date invitation. There is probably no need for phone numbers until the date is set.

These girls can vanish on you sometimes. There was one who stopped working at the place I knew her from right on the verge when I was going to ask her out. It's good to lock down a way to communicate with them if you're interested.

[Haydn]

If she is single and interested in you then you will know it. If i chat up a girl i know in the first 10 seconds if she is up for it. (Usually)

[xxoo]

These girls can vanish on you sometimes. There was one who stopped working at the place I knew her from right on the verge when I was going to ask her out. It's good to lock down a way to communicate with them if you're interested.

 

But if you're at the step of asking for a phone number, why not just ask for a proper date?

 

Seems like a "just friends" move to me to ask for a phone number for whatever reasons (common interests, shared classes) instead of asking her on a date.

[somedude81]

Are you being sexual with these women at all? Flirting, compliments, excessive eye contact? Anything? Even a lot of eye contact can tip them off. And whatever you do don't be super nice because that can guilt them into giving you a false positive.

 

Hah, my way of flirting is so subtle that I can get a girls number, take her out for dancing and drinks, take her back to my place, get her to sleep in my bed in her underwear and then when I try to have sex with her she'd say, "What?! You're interested in me?!"

 

[gaius]

But if you're at the step of asking for a phone number, why not just ask for a proper date?

 

Seems like a "just friends" move to me to ask for a phone number for whatever reasons (common interests, shared classes) instead of asking her on a date.

It just seems like a simpler and more discreet option. If somedude wants one girl in his salsa class what's he gonna do, ask her where others can hear if she wants to go out with him? It's just a situation that can put pressure on the girl and make him appear very badly if she says no in front of everyone. It's not ideal. Better to just get the phone number so he has a discreet way to do it. Then when they have some privacy he can go about unabashedly hitting on her and asking her out.

[LoneIsland]

Should be the first question you ever ask a woman. I made the mistake of not doing that and I ended up paying for married, partnered, not-available, not-ready women. I even once had to pay for one who was looking for a landlord.

 

Now I keep a check list handy so that I can tick things off.

[somedude81]

Patience, Daniel son.

 

Heh, it's actually Daniel-san.

 

San is pretty much the same thing as Mr. in Japanese.

 

And yes, I also thought Mr. Miyagi was also saying "Daniel son" back in the day.

 

Why the need to know ASAP? For sure, the topic will come up before the first date.

 

Show interest, look for signs of returned interest, and segue into a proper date invitation. There is probably no need for phone numbers until the date is set.

 

The purpose of finding out if a girl has a boyfriend is so that if she does have a boyfriend, I find out without making things awkward between us because she does't know that I was interested.

 

If I ask a girl out and she has a boyfriend, she knows that I'm interested in her, and things between us could be weird.

 

For example I asked a girl earlier today, "Do you go out dancing with your boyfriend?" and she said yes, we go out swing dancing every now and then.

 

The conversation was completely natural and I learned that she was unavailable without her realizing that I was interested.

[clia]

The purpose of finding out if a girl has a boyfriend is so that if she does have a boyfriend, I find out without making things awkward between us because she does't know that I was interested.

 

If I ask a girl out and she has a boyfriend, she knows that I'm interested in her, and things between us could be weird.

 

For example I asked a girl earlier today, "Do you go out dancing with your boyfriend?" and she said yes, we go out swing dancing every now and then.

 

The conversation was completely natural and I learned that she was unavailable without her realizing that I was interested.

 

I'm telling you, when guys ask questions like this, we know they are interested and are fishing to find out if we have a boyfriend. We aren't stupid.

[Mirages]

Just hire a private investigator, you know a short fellow with a brown suit and puffy moustache.

 

On the other hand, I think the advice given so far is both cheaper, less creepy, and wiser

[somedude81]

I'm telling you, when guys ask questions like this, we know they are interested and are fishing to find out if we have a boyfriend. We aren't stupid.

 

Well the conversation seemed casual enough that nothing stopped once I found out she had a boyfriend. Plus since I didn't obviously express interest in her things won't be awkward between us. If I asked her if she was available, things might be different.

[MissBee]

Just say "your boyfriend is a lucky guy" like everybody else does

 

It's very corny lol, but it works. I thought every man had that trick up his sleeve.

[rester]

Well the conversation seemed casual enough that nothing stopped once I found out she had a boyfriend. Plus since I didn't obviously express interest in her things won't be awkward between us. If I asked her if she was available, things might be different.

 

I like the outcome of it being natural and not awkward. That's great. But I think the whole indirect approach is lame. It's possible to keep things light, ask if she has a boyfriend or is married, and still have it not be awkward. It's a typical way people get to know each other.

 

"So what's your deal? Married, kids, live on a houseboat?" Then you get to find out her status, how many kids she has, and if she lives on a houseboat or not. You can replace houseboat with something goofy.

 

I've also found that after a few minutes of conversation a woman that is taken will typically mention her partner in some way.

[Phoe]

Sure, every woman knows it's a guy seeing if it's safe to ask her out or not. So why not just cut out the permission slip and go right for it? .

 

So maybe I'm just silly, but the handful of times someone has done the indirect "your boyfriend must be (insert some comment)", I never saw it that way. I thought they were just making polite conversation. As it was, I'd say "oh, I don't have a boyfriend" and they'd say "oh, oops" and that would be the end of that. Lol.

 

On the other hand, I've never been directly asked if I have a boyfriend.

[GravityMan]

Just ask her out.

 

If she has a boyfriend that will become apparent pretty quick.

 

This.

 

Asking her (or a friend of hers) if she has a boyfriend is likely going to be viewed as insecure on your part. So...even if she IS single, she may be turned off by your question. Unless you can pull it off in a natural and humorous way like rester mentioned.

 

The indirect approach that Snakechammah mentioned might work if the guy is creative and clever enough about it. But cliched lines such as "your boyfriend is a lucky guy!" are so transparent and the woman will likely see right through the indirection. And just like the above, this may give her the impression that you're insecure.

 

That said, I find the following post by HoH to be often true...

 

These things just normally come up in conversations, not from directly asking, but if they have a partner they'll usually mention him.

 

...In my experience, most women who are taken and happy in their relationships (meaning, not interested in anyone else) will mention that person eventually, usually within the flow and context of whatever topic the conversation is currently on. For example if ya'll are talking about some movie that recently came out, perhaps she'll share a funny anecdote she and her boyfriend had while they were at the theater seeing the movie. After all, unless it's a LDR, they're likely spending a lot of time together out and about.

 

Usually, the woman will quickly sense the guy's intent to ask her out or get her number, even if the guy is clever about it. She'll then disclose that she's taken within the flow of the conversation in the hope he'll get the hint. Assuming he does get the hint and keeps his poise, this avoids awkwardness and perhaps both of them still had a nice, fun conversation to pass the time.

 

This is one reason why it's a good idea to spend some time having a normal, casual conversation with her before making your move. And pay attention to her nonverbal social cues.

 

An intuitive guy who is adept at this will often have a good idea of whether she'll say yes or no...before he even asks her out.

[somedude81]

In my experience, it can take a bit too long for a woman in a relationship to bring up her boyfriend in a conversation by herself. Even with some probing questions of asking who she did X activity with she still might not bring up her boyfriend.

 

Since I can't tell when a girl is interested in me, I'd at least want to know that she is single before I ask her out.

[Tayla]

Direct and to the point seems to work.

My Response is Often: I am Happily living life!

 

That usually is followed by...a HUH???

 

A Lady can remain private and honest at the same time.

 

Always leave it to the person being asked to share their disposition. Alot can be understood by how they respond.

[oldshirt]

If a guy meets a woman at an activity or place where he knows that he will see her again; how quickly should he ask if she's single/has a boyfriend, and what is the best way to do it?

 

For example if a guy went to a couple of meetings of a hiking meet up group and the woman was at both meetings. On his third meeting could he ask her if she has a boyfriend, or is that too forward? Or should he not ask at all and try to make a date with her?

 

 

 

My personal opinion is you should basically never ask. If she has an SO that she is good with and you don't stand a chance in the first place, she'll talk about her BF/H relatively early before you get a chance to get anywhere.

 

 

If she is seeing someone but it isn't really up to her satisfaction and she is interested in you, she will keep it quiet and make time with you. But if you ask, she will be somewhat obligated to divulge it and throw a wrench in everything.

 

......but, she may also lie or really down play it. so that will set up a situation where you are making time with someone that has a BF but don't really know the whole story so you are at risk for looking like an @$$hole poacher and possibly getting your ass kicked.

 

 

And one more thing, if some gal is not interested in you and you ask if she has a BF/seeing anyone, she will tell you does, even if she doesn't. That sets up a situation where if you continue to pursue her, you will just look like a dick and you will blow any chance you may have in the future with her or any of her friends.

 

 

cont....

[oldshirt]

....so my recommendation is basically never ask if someone is single but rather just assume everyone is on the market and continue forward as such.

 

 

Go ahead and ask them out.

 

 

If they are interested, they will accept the date.

 

 

If they aren't, they won't.

 

 

If they seem somewhat interested but are obligated to divulge they are not on the market on the moment, have some preplanned come backs that will either leave the door open for a future get together, or opens to the door to getting set up with one of their available friends.

 

 

Say something like, "Aw dang it! well I should've known someone as nice as you wouldn't be single. Do you have to have an identical twin sister that just happened to have broken up with her BF? we could go on a double date :-) "

 

 

Show that you accept she isn't available and that you are a good guy, but show that your interest in maintaining some kind of relationship is still there and show that you are available for set ups with friends or relatives of her's that are in her league.

 

 

Even if Girl 'A' isn't available at the moment, you may be able to network your way to Girl 'B' or you may be able to make enough of a favorable impression with Girl 'A' that she looks you up when she breaks up with her BF down the road.

 

 

(and yes, I have personally had both of these scenarios play out a number of times in the past)

[Scales]

I might catch some flak and BS for this but I don't really mind.

 

The truth is to stop caring about boyfriends. Please. They are a non issue. A lot of people (including my old self in my early 20's) believed in the sanctity of relationships. I shouldn't step on other peoples toes and this kind of deal. I do still believe that in some regard. You should never sleep with the girlfriend of one of your good friends or bros. Your reputation and friendships are far more valuable, and you will be socially shunned.

 

On the other hand, if it's a girl you just met or did a cold approach on, she is fair game. If she is happy in her relationship, she will not buy what you are selling. She will not stick around to flirt or give out her number. I used to think waiting until girls are single was the polite honorable thing to do, but then I found out a lot of the hot, fun, and interesting women monkey branched from guy to guy. Basically, they wouldn't leave their current boyfriend until they upgraded to something they like better. Unless you could prove to them you were the upgrade, they weren't going to date you. Waiting for them to be single? Lol, they have already picked a new target.

 

Never ask if she has a boyfriend. If she brings him up, you've probably gone to hard and need to relax a bit without stopping. Her boyfriend is a non issue. You are there to demonstrate that you are better than what she's got. If she wants it she will buy it.

[somedude81]

Very interesting post Scales.

 

Yes it is something that I've thought about.

 

I don't want to drive this thread off target by talking about monkey branching. But it's on my mind.

[oldshirt]

Very interesting post Scales.

 

Yes it is something that I've thought about.

 

I don't want to drive this thread off target by talking about monkey branching. But it's on my mind.

 

Actually monkey swing is perfectly relevant to this topic.

 

When I was young and single it had never heard the term and had no knowledge or grasp of the concept. But I did waste immeasurable time waiting for gals I liked to be completely single before I made any moves, only to be standing there empty handed as they swung to someone else.

 

Here's the thing I didn't learn until later - when a woman monkey swings, she swings to the person that made the best offer while she was still with her previous SO. The guys that we're waiting for her to be free and clear before making a move are still sitting on the sidelines empty handed wondering when they'll ever get their chance.

 

All the more reason to to make as legitimate an offer as you can to whoever strikes your fancy without concern whether she has a BF or not.

[oldshirt]

I might catch some flak and BS for this but I don't really mind.

 

The truth is to stop caring about boyfriends. Please. They are a non issue. A lot of people (including my old self in my early 20's) believed in the sanctity of relationships. I shouldn't step on other peoples toes and this kind of deal. I do still believe that in some regard. You should never sleep with the girlfriend of one of your good friends or bros. Your reputation and friendships are far more valuable, and you will be socially shunned.

 

On the other hand, if it's a girl you just met or did a cold approach on, she is fair game. If she is happy in her relationship, she will not buy what you are selling. She will not stick around to flirt or give out her number. I used to think waiting until girls are single was the polite honorable thing to do, but then I found out a lot of the hot, fun, and interesting women monkey branched from guy to guy. Basically, they wouldn't leave their current boyfriend until they upgraded to something they like better. Unless you could prove to them you were the upgrade, they weren't going to date you. Waiting for them to be single? Lol, they have already picked a new target.

 

Never ask if she has a boyfriend. If she brings him up, you've probably gone to hard and need to relax a bit without stopping. Her boyfriend is a non issue. You are there to demonstrate that you are better than what she's got. If she wants it she will buy it.

 

I agree completely with everything stated above.

 

Even the Godfather (Godmother?) of advice columns Ann Landers herself would always say that there is no commitment until there is an actual engagement. So unless there is an accepted marriage proposal, it is all free market place. Everyone is open game until there is a ring and a wedding date.

 

The only thing I will add to what Scales said is something I didn't realize in my youth and that is many so-called "relationships" are not truly committed relationships at all but rather women dating some guy as a "place holder" so she can have someone she can say she is dating so keep her from being alone.

 

Many people are just marking time until a better offer comes along, just don't want to be alone until the offer comes. Once they get that offer they'll often times monkey swing to it.

 

If they don't think your offer is better, they'll just say no..

 

......and sometimes even that no or more like a , "not yet" if you learn to read between the lines.

[guest569]

"Your boyfriend must do that.." Please no!!!! That is so irritating. I would prefer "are you single?" But I guess if a guy is not straight forward its a deal breaker to me. I don't get subtle!! I don't do hints.

 

Have a chat to her, find out if you like her.. "Would you like to go out for coffee some time?" If yes, exchange numbers and organize a date and time etc, done! If not then shrug it off.

 

Keep it simple..!!

[Phoe]

In my experience, it can take a bit too long for a woman in a relationship to bring up her boyfriend in a conversation by herself. Even with some probing questions of asking who she did X activity with she still might not bring up her boyfriend.

 

I personally don't bring up my boyfriend too often in conversation simply because I don't wanna be that chick who's constantly talking about her boyfriend, lol.