Frustrated - I want you back to "I don't know" in days

[lauri]

Not that I should care, but part of me does. Even after 1 year of her trying to get back into my life, she still does things to rattle me.

 

I do not understand how someone could be so selfish and inconsiderate of me. I have done so well, kept NC for a long time. As I have stated in earlier threads, NC has forced my ex show to her hand and say that she wants me back. Now that I have spoke to her a few times and seen her, she has begin to back off and has "mixed emotions". My ex said that one of the reasons she ended it with me was because she felt "I wouldn't be able to satisfy her sexually". She went on to say that that isn't a good reason and that over time I would have improved. Like...what is the point of her telling me that? She said she wanted to be straight forward with me. I've moved on before and I will move on again...my confidence is fragile and I think that this is hitting me a little bit harder then it should. I thought she really realized how amazing of a person I am. I was wrong.

 

But the truth is, my ex coming back into my life made me realize now I'm not happy. Yeah I have done a lot of good things and moved forward in my life. I'm the type of guy who is good looking, who is willing to stand up for himself but that is extremely picky with who he chooses to be with, probably to a fault. I'm 27 and I have only dated 2 girls...my first girlfriend left me and cheated on me with my high school English teacher, and my second did what she did to me after I visited her parents on my way home and dumped me a day after returning. I find it hard for me to find a girl that I find has self-worth, respect and loyalty. This is what drew me to my ex initially - I thought she was marriage material.

 

I think that my inexperienced has really caught up to me...I find that some girls in Canada, especially Toronto, want to be with guys who are more "experienced" sexually and more "experienced with girls" in general. I'd say every girl who meets me thinks I'm marriage material but that isn't what girls I have met are looking for at the moment. I thought, honestly did, that dating less women would BENEFIT me in finding a good girl. I was so wrong.

 

I'm just writing this to vent but I know the problem lies within myself. I deleted my ex's number again and I'm not going to lie I am pretty disappointed at what she has told me. She lost interest in me and those negative qualities that made her end it with me never left. It is who I am...but I realize I need to improve those aspects of myself (for example, over thinking).

 

I'm sorry for writing another thread about this but I'm feeling pretty low right now. I need a few slaps / words of encouragement. I thought I was over her completely - but after her telling me some things, especially the sexual thing (which I'm not going to lie I'm self conscious about because I have only slept with 1 girl), it hurt me.

Edited September 30, 2014 by lauri

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You should not count your chicks before they hatch. You have plenty of time to find the right girl.

 

Seeing how many relationships in early years of life, are so misguided by a lack of understanding and selfish actions between one or both.

 

You can get by all the bad in your life with relationships. As you should never place one or all your relationships as what to be expected.

 

Expectation is your worst enemy. Never give in to it, else you will never see the truth.

 

In some ways growing further in life allows you to trust your gut more than relying on what is expected. Expectations seems to be used as a required ingredient in dating and relationships. Like it should smooth out bumps in the road, but in reality it makes big arsed pot holes. There is no set plan in life, so why think there are expectations to be met in dating and relationships.

 

Each date is as different as the next, and each relationship is its own animal. Even though peeps want to generalize, there is no general way to go about the dynamics, as everyone is different and will change in time.

 

The only way to get through a relationship, is to drop expectations, and always allow for understanding from questions answered and issues that are addressed.

 

Never allow skirting of issues, as once you start, they become more seated and unsettling. Once an issue is found, discuss it and allow for you both to work around it. After time the issue will dissolve.

[mightycpa]

1) I'm 27 and I have only dated 2 girls...

2) I find it hard for me to find a girl that ...

3) I find that some girls ... want to be with guys who are more "experienced"

4) I think that my inexperienced has really caught up to me...

 

#1 - the problem

#2 - the symptom of the problem

#3 - precognition of the problem

#4 - acknowledgement of the problem

 

lauri, the next step should be obvious:

 

#5 - The solution: date more girls

 

I don't think you need to be slapped so much as guided in the correct direction. I'll try this:

 

You remind me of many of the girls I dated. They wanted a relationship because THAT was what they wanted. They got serious with just about every guy who would let them, and then SURPRISE, it didn't work out for one reason or another. They were mystified. No doubt if I joined Match or eHarmony, I'd find their profiles even today, explaining how they want to meet their soulmate. Of course, they never gave a lick of thought as to how you might go about meeting your soulmate in this huge world we inhabit.

 

How do you do it? Luck. You may never find that one right person. But if you want to maximize your chances, date a lot of girls, and get some friends who are single girls, to help feed your pipeline. Then start living your life like you'll never find that person until you can find the joy in it.

 

That's when things will probably start happening for you.

[BC1980]

I wouldn't take her complaints about you as the absolute truth. That's a life lesson that you need to learn or else you will be disappointed your entire life. You will take anyone's opinion of you and judge yourself against it. Yes, it is her opinion, but she is one person. Maybe some is true, maybe not. But dumping someone due to less experience is kinda sh-tty quite honestly. I think it might be more truthful to say that she lost romantic feelings for you, which is beyond your control.

[ThorntonMelon]

All I hear is you've dated some crappy people. I understand that it's gotten into your head - I'd be shocked if it hadn't.

 

But understand all of it is in your head. The next person you date won't care about your baggage, but you will. The real question is whether you allow it to affect that relationship.

 

As for sex...I've slept with women I adored who were terrible in bed and women I adored who were great in bed. I adored them, getting to be intimate with them was a joy regardless of how great the sex was, and the fact that your ex brought the issue up is purely a sign she's not worth the time of day. She's a piece of garbage.

[lauri]

I guess it's kind of hard to shift from a mentality you've had for a long time. My mentality of dating girls was wrong...don't get me wrong, there are girls who like me and tried to date me, I just saw a lot of red flags and cut them off. So when I say I only dated 2 girls, I mean I only dated 2 girls long term. Most of the other girls in my life have been short time period, maybe 1-2 months. It's just I'm starting to lose hope - its been 1 year since the break up, 1 year and I haven't been able to find someone who really has drawn me in. Patience is key but I don't want to end up being single for 5 years again like I did from my 1st ex to my other, and I don't want to just date someone for the fact of dating them.

 

Some of you are right, her doing that is pretty shallow. Getting over an ex girlfriend is easier then figuring out you have all these flaws. I realize need to reinvent the way I present myself and how I approach my life to dating. My fear is, that if I put in all this work with a girl and make her love me, what if I really am that horrible in bed? My priority is to please my woman and make her satisfied, and if I can't, well, I don't know how I will take it.

 

I do need to start to date new girls...I just have the problem of creating expectations and I need to be more chill and go with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I know my flaws and I know why my ex girlfriend lost interest in me. The key is now getting out of this and fixing them. This is something none of you can fix but I can only fix but going deep down inside of myself...I feel stupid for even feeling this way or even starting a thread of an ex who shouldn't even matter anymore. She doesn't matter but her comments do, because her comments to me make me feel like the next time I jump into bed with a girl I'm going to wonder if I can even make that girl happy.

 

I appreciate the comments. I've just been thinking about this hard and I realize maybe I'm being silly. I know I got a lot to offer but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you hear some things like this.

Edited September 30, 2014 by lauri

[me85]

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Those are words to live by, as far as I'm concerned.

 

Sure, we all want to know what changed their minds about us and blah blah blah but honestly, we don't need to know. Heck, I don't want to know. All we need to know is they treated us like crap and they dumped us. That's fuel enough to move on in my book and get to a point where you no longer care and don't want to talk to them anymore. At first, I thought differently because I was a much different person only a year ago. I'm so proud and happy that I grew so much as a person in such a short amount of time and it's all because of the pain I've experienced in that time.

 

I realized how I really wanted my life to be and how I was going to change. But something spiritual happened to me. I haven't come across another poster on here who has shared the same spiritual experience as me. I'm certain they're on here I just haven't bumped into them yet. (=

 

It's all about 'NC' on LS. But I feel like that's a given. I appreciate those who give that advice to someone once and then move on to offering more concrete advice because let's face it, no one listens to us when we tell them to implement NC. I sure didn't. I do what I want! lol

 

My thing is, get people to talk about what went wrong, get them to see how they may have made mistakes and suggest they work on themselves because it's all about the individual, not the ex. We're supposed to offer solid advice on how to let go and move on basically by telling posters that if they just work on themselves then everything else will fall into place for them.

 

Sorry for veering off. I've been known to do that.

 

Lauri, in your case, you put too much importance into what your ex thinks of you. So did/do I. I'll admit that I still sort of, kind of, a little bitty bit, care what my ex thinks of me because my ego is still bruised. It's natural to care what someone we love thinks of us. I know you're more less just venting and not really seeking any sort of advice but you already have all the answers. It is a good thing that you haven't slept around. That's a rarity for guys, especially at your age.

 

Don't be hard on yourself about the whole sex thing. You've only been with one person, geez. You'll be a rockstar in bed with the right person. Believe that. And of course you'll get better the more you have sex. DUH!

 

You've done the right thing by deleting her contacts. Ignore that girl for the rest of your life if you have to. She will probably reach out again and either you'll tell her to get bent or you won't even feel the need to respond at all which is major step for dumpees. You are happy. Your she-devel ex just knocked your ego around a bit. That's all. If you really think you aren't happy then what do you think would make you happy? Please don't tell me "having a girlfriend."

 

Have better days my friend.

Edited September 30, 2014 by me85

[lauri]

Thanks.

 

Happiness doesn't come from having a girlfriend. No chance....I view a relationship with someone as something that should enhance my life, not make it.

 

I'll get over this - I've done it before and will do it again. I wasn't looking for why the relationship ended but she ended up telling me this anyway. I knew that her ending it with me had to do with her losing romantic interest in me. Funny because she msged me today, I just ignored. I didn't come this far for her to ruin everything I achieved.

[me85]

Good for you! That's the spirit! Yes, you'll get over this.

 

Though it doesn't matter what she messaged you, I'm still curious to ask what she sent...

[lauri]

She sent me a message saying "You look really nice in your display picture ." She must have looked at my new Facebook pic...don't know how nor care because I have her blocked on Facebook.

 

She sends mixed messages which only means she is not interested in my opinion. She says she is scared to hurt me again

Edited September 30, 2014 by lauri

[movingonnow1]

She says she is scared to hurt me again

 

Does anyone else find this excuse BS?

[me85]

Does anyone else find this excuse BS?

 

Yup, I do.

 

She's obviously trying to keep him on the hook and only contacting him when she's bored. Selfish.

[BC1980]

Does anyone else find this excuse BS?

 

That is the most ridiculous thing. Like she is making a great sacrifice not to be with him. Like she is the good guy. All that says is that she is unsure of her feelings, so she knows this will likely end in pain again. I've learned the hard way that once people start using indecisive language or claiming "confusion," I excuse myself from the situation. I don't have time to babysit someone else's confusion.

[lauri]

That is the most ridiculous thing. Like she is making a great sacrifice not to be with him. Like she is the good guy. All that says is that she is unsure of her feelings, so she knows this will likely end in pain again. I've learned the hard way that once people start using indecisive language or claiming "confusion," I excuse myself from the situation. I don't have time to babysit someone else's confusion.

 

No kidding, I agree.

 

All I am doing is thinking about this situation now...why does this girl constantly barrage me? No matter what approach I've taken...blocking, ignoring or telling her to leave me alone, she hasn't given up. I think the guilt she felt for what she did to me has eaten her alive and she feel horrible...but the truth is she should.

 

Its really a shame that even after all this time someone can still be so emotionally unstable and unable to decide what they want. I know if she was more emotionally mature and ready we would have been a great match - but you can't change the stage a person is in their life. She's too all over the place....

 

I honestly believe she wants to love me so she can be with me...on paper I'm what she wants but if her feeling aren't there (which its clear they arent), she should have let me be.

 

Could you imagine what this would have done to me if I didn't do NC? Holy this is bothering me now I would have died if this happened 5 months ago.

[ThorntonMelon]

It seems to be very consistent that she knows what she wants.

 

To not be with you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, your ex sucks. I've told you this a million times. You can do better if you get out of your own way and stop overthinking. So you go five years without a serious girlfriend? Who cares? The right girl won't. Honestly, you need to get back on this No Contact train and stop letting this ex f--k with you. You were doing awesome, she came over the top (which I can't blame you for biting on) and now she's shown again that she's a completely manipulative a--hole. Please don't let this woman make you feel bad about who you are.

 

She sucks dude. You know this. So stop entertaining this, dust yourself off and move forward. Enjoy being single, that's how you'll find someone worth dating. It's time for you to make the choice. Ditch her and move past this.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[movingonnow1]

Dude, your ex sucks. I've told you this a million times. You can do better if you get out of your own way and stop overthinking. So you go five years without a serious girlfriend? Who cares? The right girl won't. Honestly, you need to get back on this No Contact train and stop letting this ex f--k with you. You were doing awesome, she came over the top (which I can't blame you for biting on) and now she's shown again that she's a completely manipulative a--hole. Please don't let this woman make you feel bad about who you are.

 

She sucks dude. You know this. So stop entertaining this, dust yourself off and move forward. Enjoy being single, that's how you'll find someone worth dating. It's time for you to make the choice. Ditch her and move past this.

 

I agree with you and I also don't blame Lauri for cracking and talking to her again. You've seen how he has felt before she came back into the picture and dropped some heavy bs on his lap. In truth, I don't blame him for feeling conflicted and hurt. He will get past this but wow, over a year of chasing him all for this? Makes no sense.

 

I guess she just really liked the chase and now the fact she feels he's back in her life / she can have him she lost interest again and is pushing him away so she feels like "she has the upper hand".

[BC1980]

I don't think she's all that confused. I think she just wants a guy, and she never found anyone after the breakup. So she goes back to the OP, but I feel certain she would leave him again if she found someone else. OP, you don't deserve this. You deserve someone who is 100 percent certain and would not put you through this. There are people out there who will treat you better. I'm not saying you are going to find that person tomorrow, but I know you will never find anyone else with your ex still around.

[lauri]

I don't think she's all that confused. I think she just wants a guy, and she never found anyone after the breakup. So she goes back to the OP, but I feel certain she would leave him again if she found someone else. OP, you don't deserve this. You deserve someone who is 100 percent certain and would not put you through this. There are people out there who will treat you better. I'm not saying you are going to find that person tomorrow, but I know you will never find anyone else with your ex still around.

 

I appreciate your kind words. Simon Phoenix, you are right that my ex does suck. I need to stop developing expectations that someone can change and learn from their mistakes. She is far too emotionally unstable and all over the place.

 

I guess I'm just worried about the amount of time it will take to find someone new. That doesn't mean I'm going to date or get back together with my ex to be with someone. I know it would be a nightmare and I would only end up more hurt. She hasn't been able to find someone new and she said that it took "losing me to find out that she made a mistake". I think that on PAPER I'm what she wants but she just doesn't feel that she wants to be with me.

 

Anyways, she hasn't been contacting me in over 2 days. She went from calling me "babe" and "Baby" in her messages to just turning cold. I think she has already lost the interest because I confronted her about particular things and explained to her that "It's either you are interested in me or you are not and I'm not looking to get back with you right now but I think you're wasting my time if you aren't into me". Lesson learned for a future girl - can't be too serious and confrontational.

 

Guess she ran for the hills after that.

Edited October 1, 2014 by lauri

[BC1980]

Anyways, she hasn't been contacting me in over 2 days. She went from calling me "babe" and "Baby" in her messages to just turning cold. I think she has already lost the interest because I confronted her about particular things and explained to her that "It's either you are interested in me or you are not and I'm not looking to get back with you right now but I think you're wasting my time if you aren't into me". Lesson learned for a future girl - can't be too serious and confrontational.

 

Guess she ran for the hills after that.

 

There are times to be confrontational, and this was one of them. When you are going for a second chance, I believe that intentions need to be made clear from the start. This isn't a situation where you have just met her and have been dating for a few months. This is a woman who has basically blown hot and cold for months. She has done all sorts of crazy things to get your attention. Her intentions need to be established up front, and, then, it is also up to her to prove that she is sincere over time.

 

In her heart, she knew that she couldn't live up to that sort of investment because the feelings aren't there. She knew is wasn't worth her time because she doesn't feel the same way anymore. If she truly loved you, she would be on her knees apologizing and doing anything to make this right. Wouldn't you have done that for her at one point? It's very telling that she is not willing to put very much effort into fixing what she screwed up.

Edited October 1, 2014 by BC1980

[frigginlost]

Dude, your ex is just flat out mean.

 

When she told you she was worried that you could not satisfy her sexually, you should have responded "the last 3 chicks I was with thought differently", then went hard core NC with her again.

 

She fights dirty, confused or not...

[movingonnow1]

There are times to be confrontational, and this was one of them. When you are going for a second chance, I believe that intentions need to be made clear from the start. This isn't a situation where you have just met her and have been dating for a few months. This is a woman who has basically blown hot and cold for months. She has done all sorts of crazy things to get your attention. Her intentions need to be established up front, and, then, it is also up to her to prove that she is sincere over time.

 

In her heart, she knew that she couldn't live up to that sort of investment because the feelings aren't there. She knew is wasn't worth her time because she doesn't feel the same way anymore. If she truly loved you, she would be on her knees apologizing and doing anything to make this right. Wouldn't you have done that for her at one point? It's very telling that she is not willing to put very much effort into fixing what she screwed up.

 

I agree with this. She doesn't have the feelings and that is why she is saying "I can't promise you anything". This is so she won't feel half as guilty when she decides to leave him and hurt him again. Confronting her is the LEAST You should have done in this entire situation. The LEAST you should have done was stopped listening to her shortly after she started to play games and not let her get into your head.

 

Dude, your ex is just flat out mean.

 

When she told you she was worried that you could not satisfy her sexually, you should have responded "the last 3 chicks I was with thought differently", then went hard core NC with her again.

 

She fights dirty, confused or not...

 

This right here ^^^

Edited October 1, 2014 by movingonnow1

[Simon Phoenix]

I appreciate your kind words. Simon Phoenix, you are right that my ex does suck. I need to stop developing expectations that someone can change and learn from their mistakes. She is far too emotionally unstable and all over the place.

 

I guess I'm just worried about the amount of time it will take to find someone new. That doesn't mean I'm going to date or get back together with my ex to be with someone. I know it would be a nightmare and I would only end up more hurt. She hasn't been able to find someone new and she said that it took "losing me to find out that she made a mistake". I think that on PAPER I'm what she wants but she just doesn't feel that she wants to be with me.

 

Anyways, she hasn't been contacting me in over 2 days. She went from calling me "babe" and "Baby" in her messages to just turning cold. I think she has already lost the interest because I confronted her about particular things and explained to her that "It's either you are interested in me or you are not and I'm not looking to get back with you right now but I think you're wasting my time if you aren't into me". Lesson learned for a future girl - can't be too serious and confrontational.

 

Guess she ran for the hills after that.

 

Once again, you really need to stop blaming yourself. All of this was her doing, all of it. She's the one playing tennis with your feelings, and you feel you need to adjust? No, you need to be proactive, cut her off, and move on. Don't stand idly as she does what she wants with you when she wants to. If she can't comprehend your justified conflict, then f--k her. Seriously.

 

And who cares how much time it takes to find someone else. The goal isn't to find someone quickly, it's to find the right person. Am I wrong?

[lauri]

I'm feeling a lot better today.

 

Honestly, it was a mixture of tons of emotions because I do still care about her and what she thinks to an extent. I doubt that will ever go away - no matter what has happened I would never wish anything bad upon her.

 

I was just venting and needed to get this worthless situation off of my chest. It was more another ego bruise / rejection feeling again...I felt rejected for a second time because Ive always been self conscious of my sexual experience with women. I know its silly and the right girl wont care, but I just worry more on the side that I won't be able to satisfy the girl that I will be with next. I'll cross that bridge and fear when it comes.

 

Defiantely this was a mini set back but I'm not in any hole nor am I in a dark place at the moment. I feel good again and I'm positive that I was just over reacting to the entire situation and making it bigger then it needed to be. Her words shouldn't matter and even if she is right that I do suck sexually (funny because we didn't do much anyways), then I will work on it with a girl who loves me and is understanding, until I learn to satisfy someone who deserves it.

 

I'd rather be single the rest of my life then be in a drama filled relationship anyways. I'm not desperate to find anyone right now I just wish I had more options available to me. Gotta start putting myself out there more.

[BC1980]

I'm feeling a lot better today.

 

Honestly, it was a mixture of tons of emotions because I do still care about her and what she thinks to an extent. I doubt that will ever go away - no matter what has happened I would never wish anything bad upon her.

 

I was just venting and needed to get this worthless situation off of my chest. It was more another ego bruise / rejection feeling again...I felt rejected for a second time because Ive always been self conscious of my sexual experience with women. I know its silly and the right girl wont care, but I just worry more on the side that I won't be able to satisfy the girl that I will be with next. I'll cross that bridge and fear when it comes.

 

Defiantely this was a mini set back but I'm not in any hole nor am I in a dark place at the moment. I feel good again and I'm positive that I was just over reacting to the entire situation and making it bigger then it needed to be. Her words shouldn't matter and even if she is right that I do suck sexually (funny because we didn't do much anyways), then I will work on it with a girl who loves me and is understanding, until I learn to satisfy someone who deserves it.

 

I'd rather be single the rest of my life then be in a drama filled relationship anyways. I'm not desperate to find anyone right now I just wish I had more options available to me. Gotta start putting myself out there more.

 

Most women aren't overly concerned with sexual experience. She is using that as an excuse, and it's a rude one at that. Most women are more concerned with men who will make them feel secure in the relationship and accept them for who they are. My recent ex was a lot less sexually experienced than me, and it didn't bother me. Anyway, just don't want you to carry that burden around. I don't want you to go on thinking that you have a "problem" that makes you undateable.

 

She might have been trying to tell you that she isn't as attracted to you as she once was, but she didn't want to come right out and say that. From the start, I have had a feeling that is what she meant, but I think it would be pretty difficult to say that to someone's face. Sometimes, people just loose that spark, and it's out of your control. The first boyfriend I ever had- I was very attracted to him. It was sort of a first love thing. I saw him a few years ago, and I could not imagine having sex with him. I just could not see him in that light anymore, and it's nothing you can control when that happens.

 

For a relationship, you need both- a physical attraction and loving the person. You can have one without the other, but the relationship won't work. Sometimes, one or the other dies. When my ex broke up with me, I asked him if he had lost attraction for me, and he said he hadn't but that he didn't love me in the right way. Just know that it's something you can't control, and it's a mystery as to why we fall out of love just as much as why we fall in love with someone.