Teahorse Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 Hi all. I need some advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for three years and have known him for seven. We are both still pretty young (I'm graduating college next year with my BA and him with his M.S), but even so, I am very ready to marry him. Unfortunately, he says he isn't ready. This has been a strain on us since June when we had previously discussed (in prior years) was a good time to become engaged if we wanted to marry the following summer, but since he didn't, we have been a little on edge about the subject. His reason for not marrying me is that he believes we fight too much. Which, I do not see as an issue since we only fight once a month (my fault since I become sensitive and emotional during certain feminine times), and altercations outside of that one fight are minimal-- normal "couple fights" (i.e., what movie we watch, who cooks, cleaning up. Never anything major). Several months ago I confronted him and that's when he told me he thought we fought too much, but, once he felt it was better he'd propose and we could get married the next day. This is definitely not realistic nor something that is mindful of my own feelings. Anyways, I asked him to tell me all the things that bothered him about me and for the next few months I was really really good to him. We didn't fight at all, I tried apologizing more, and I also kept his decision in mind so I was respectful and did not press him about marriage. But then, we argue for the first time in two months over something trivial (I can't even remember what), and he throws out "See? We fight all of the time!" and I was furious. In the discussion previously mentioned, we both listed things that bothered us about one another and promised to not be defensive and just accept what the other said and alter it-- he got defensive and not only did he not become more mindful like I had for him, but he got severely irritated towards me and impatient. We had a rough patch and are doing a little better, but on our 3 year anniversary, he took me to museums (because it was free museum day) and then to dinner. I got him this beautiful watch with an engraving, and he said he didn't have a gift because he had something "special" planned. That thing would've been special had he not said "We can go home or go to the thing-- doesn't matter, so it's up to you". The special thing was a drive-in movie and he bought snacks. He said to me that I was ungrateful (though I never said I didn't like what he did and did appreciate it. I was a little disappointed, but still thankful), and that he spent so much time planning that he forgot, and that his time is worth more than a gift anyways. I just don't know what to do. I do love him a lot, but I am getting tired of the way he treats me like I'm second to school and like I'm lucky to spend time with him since he's so busy with graduate school. I understand it's important and education is important, but I want to be important. I can't help but feel like he's just stalling an engagement because he doesn't care enough about it since he's so wrapped up in school. I am ready though-- ready for a lot of things! He won't move in with me (unless we're married), and he won't have sex with me (unless we're married). What do I do??
Assasda Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 after hearing all of this I wouldnt marry you either OP. You seem super needy. - Live youre own life Also, if you pressure him into marrying you, it'll just drive him farther away, so get it out your mind. If you keep the arguing it will end, I'm pretty sure of it
Els Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 How old are you and what culture are you from? My guess from your post is that you're in your early to mid twenties, and both of you are from a more traditional culture. Is that correct? I do have some thoughts on your situation, but will wait til I read your response to the above, so that I don't make false assumptions. I am ready though-- ready for a lot of things! He won't move in with me (unless we're married), and he won't have sex with me (unless we're married). What do I do?? Would you want him to move in with you and/or have sex with you if you weren't married? 1
Author Teahorse Posted September 30, 2014 Author Posted September 30, 2014 Okay, maybe I am needy Assasda, but to be fair, he's been saying that he wants to marry me next summer for two years (something I don't see as a possibility with school/graduation conflicts). I do live my own life, I don't really understand the statement. He's not "my life" but he is one of my main concerns. If he hadn't set the hypothetical date, there would be no push. I've already told him to just tell me that he doesn't want to marry me at all at this point. Not that, he does, just not right now, but he still wants to marry me by next June. It just doesn't make sense.
Author Teahorse Posted September 30, 2014 Author Posted September 30, 2014 Elswyth-- I'm 20 and he's 22 (going to be 23). We're from a Christian background though we are not devout. He speaks from a personal moral code, and for me, I also have a set of morals (neither of us have ever kissed, slept with, or lived with another). But, after 2 years I felt ready to move to another step. We kiss, but never go further and he always says "Just wait till we're married". This is why it's so frustrating. He always brings up marriage in relation to our relationships progression. 1
Els Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 Elswyth-- I'm 20 and he's 22 (going to be 23). We're from a Christian background though we are not devout. He speaks from a personal moral code, and for me, I also have a set of morals (neither of us have ever kissed, slept with, or lived with another). But, after 2 years I felt ready to move to another step. We kiss, but never go further and he always says "Just wait till we're married". This is why it's so frustrating. He always brings up marriage in relation to our relationships progression. Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, my thought is that you should really wait a little. 20 is very young, and while a rare few people do marry at 20 and grow old happily together, they are very much the exception. I don't doubt your feelings for him, but when you haven't started your career, haven't met people from a diverse range of backgrounds, haven't truly lived yet... it's hard to know yourself and what you really want in life and in a partner. It must be frustrating if you are ready for sex and living together, but he's waiting for marriage, though. In this, you just have to decide what you truly believe in. If you want to live together and/or have sex before marriage, chances are he isn't the guy for you. Also his false promises (next summer, and the next, and the next...) are very worrying IMO. He should not make promises he isn't intending to keep. 2
Author Teahorse Posted September 30, 2014 Author Posted September 30, 2014 Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, my thought is that you should really wait a little. 20 is very young, and while a rare few people do marry at 20 and grow old happily together, they are very much the exception. I don't doubt your feelings for him, but when you haven't started your career, haven't met people from a diverse range of backgrounds, haven't truly lived yet... it's hard to know yourself and what you really want in life and in a partner. It must be frustrating if you are ready for sex and living together, but he's waiting for marriage, though. In this, you just have to decide what you truly believe in. If you want to live together and/or have sex before marriage, chances are he isn't the guy for you. Also his false promises (next summer, and the next, and the next...) are very worrying IMO. He should not make promises he isn't intending to keep. It's not imperative that we have sex or move in together, they're just things that I want and he brushes them off with the marriage reasoning. I am also worried about his promised date, which is why I've been asking him to tell me he doesn't know at all instead of holding onto the date. I haven't mentioned marriage recently and I don't plan on doing so for a while. I want to ride it out and hope that something happens (we get better), but I also want to move on with my own life, if he isn't going to budge, since I'll be getting a job soon or going to graduate school in another state. Thanks for the advice.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 Personally, I think you are both far too young to be considering marriage. I realize you've been together a while, but there is so much growing you both have yet to do. Your twenties are such a transformative time that it isn't unwise to wait a bit and make sure this is the person you want to make a lifetime commitment to. However, based on what you describe, I also think you have fundamentally different beliefs that are already coming between you and will create obstacles in the future. You sound ready and willing to do things that he just isn't. I would take a step back and really re-evaluate whether or not you are prepared to wait for him to be ready. I think it is worrisome that he makes promised that he's not fulfilling - if he's not ready to marry, he should not be telling you that can get married the summer after next, etc. He says you fight too much, and yet is he doing anything to help remedy this? It sounds like you're the one putting in the effort. What is he doing to improve things? I think I would see how the next few months go. Take marriage off the table for now. See if the relationship can get to a healthy place where both of your needs are being met. It sounds imbalanced at this point.
Mascara Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 I don't think you're needy. I think HE'S controlling. Telling you to behave a certain way and he'll marry you? Do you really want to spend your life walking on eggshells? The fact that a couple has arguments is not important, what's important is how they resolve them and how serious they are. If you have minor disagreements but you resolve them quickly, with compromise and understanding, then that's healthy. I do however think you're too young to get married. My advice...Either move on from this relationship, or let him know that you no longer wish to marry and will not be bringing it up any more. 3
Noproblem Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 Too young to get married.. Why the haste to pay the bills and be slaves for your kids' demand.. Enjoy your freedom a little bit.. But saying that you and him fight too much is not a reason to not get married; it's an excuse.! Seriously, if a guy wants to get married, he won't need you to say it, he will do that because he knows that you are the one..
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 Really I think you need to go out on your own and see the world. All the excuses make me think he isn't actually going to marry you anyway. He is wasting your time. Just my take on the whole thing. 1
Raena Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 I think it's very normal for couples to have disagreements. It happens. It's how you deal with them that matters. He can't possibly expect that you two will never disagree on things... unless he expects you to just cave in to his wants and needs all the time without regard for your own wants and needs. That is not healthy. I applaud you both for wanting to wait for marriage to proceed with an intimate relationship but it seems to be putting quite a bit of pressure on you to get married in order to move forward in your relationship together. If he's not ready to be married, that's understandable too. It's a huge commitment and if you are both serious about making it work, then you need to figure out how to resolve your disagreements without a lot of fuss and drama. If he isn't willing to budge on the topic then it might be time for you to move on and spread your wings a little. It sounds like he has you under lock and key, doting on his every desire while he has no intention of doing what it takes to make you happy too. Relationships have to be give and take mutually, not one person making all the demands and putting pressure on YOU to change without doing something themselves to make this happen.
SummerDreams Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 His reason for not marrying me is that he believes we fight too much. This reason does not satisfy me. If you fighting annoys him that much then: 1) he should try to ask you to find a solution about these fights and to understand how you feel or 2) break up with you. Are you OK for a relationship but not good enough for marriage? This is so insulting I can't even begin telling you. It seems that he doesn't take you seriously and he doesn't want to try for this relationship, rather than giving you all the blame for your fights. He said that if you go some time without fighting, he will make you the honor to propose. So basically he wants you to fake your behavior and feelings and then he'll marry you, rather than try to understand why you behave like this and try to fix it. I think he is a liar. I think he won't ever marry you. He is "compromising" in a relationship with you until he find someone better. When a man really loves a woman, he tries to fix things between them and not throw her the ball and saying "if you change, I'll marry you". What a hypocrite. I think you should change your behavior or else things will remain the same until he just dumps you for someone else. If you want his respect, you have to earn it. Try to talk to him and ask him to work together and solve your problems. If he doesn't want to do that, I think it's time to take things in your own hands and show him you deserve respect. How? By threatening (or doing it) that you'll leave him. Either way you are not happy at the moment, are you?
Diezel Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 I don't like the fact that you are trying to rope him into marriage because of a "pre-established" time line. I don't like the fact that he is giving you a reason why he won't marry you because of "fights"? I don't like that you are curbing your behavior just to get engaged. All in all, I don't like this situation, because you two are TOO YOUNG. Neither one of you is ready to wed the other, but you are so blinded by the ring and the engagement and the idea of being married that you can't see the bigger picture. Are you sure this is the guy you want to marry? Have you ever talked to him about how you feel second to school? Granted, it IS important, but whenever someone brought that up to me and I was in a committed enough relationship, my reasoning was, "I'm in school, studying hard so that WE can have a better future together." You guys aren't doing so hot NOW, what makes you think marriage is going to be any better? I give the guy just a "little" credit. At least he sticks to his guns and he sees something you aren't. In the end, if you two are on two completely different wavelengths, maybe it's time to move on.
veggirl Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 You are way too young to get married. Most 22 yr old guys would freak out at the idea of marriage, esp when they've only had one gf in their adult life. I think you should 100% forget the idea of marriage for a few years, geesh you're barely even legally old enough to get married. What's the rush????
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