Developing Feelings When Working Closely With Someone

[Darren2013]

When two people of the opposite sex have spent alot of time working side by side together as colleagues for many years it is normal for one or both colleagues to develop feelings for the other.

 

From what I am reading this kind of thing is fairly common and so for me to have feelings for one of my colleagues that I have known for 12 years is nothing unusual. Before we went quiet on each other and reduced contact we did share alot of personal information about our lives and such. She would ask me about girlfriends I was dating at the time and so forth, trips I would take, etc. I would run errands for her down the street on my breaks.

 

For a long time I probably slowly developed feelings and then once it hit me on a conscious level 6 weeks ago that's when I began to distance myself from her.

 

Nothing wrong with developing feelings. Now as far as whether or not to act on them that's a different story and it really depends on so many factors assuming the feeling is mutual on both sides.

 

I think that when you find yourself developing feelings for a colleague keeping as much distance as possible is the best thing at least for an indefinite period of time. No contact will be impossible because you will still have to talk to them when necessary on a professional level but depending on the type of work you do you may have some flexibility and options with not working next to them indefintely or changing your schedule for the time being.

 

I have altered my schedule so that I see her far less often. Instead of seeing her for 9 hours a day I only get to see her for 3-4 hours a day now.

 

If my feelings have developed because we have spent too much time together talking then perhaps after a period of distance I'll be able to lose those feelings. I don't want to fall for her any harder than I have now otherwise I may get sucked into something that could end very badly and ruin the friendship we spent 12 years building together.

 

So I am going to try not to even look at her anymore not even a sneak peek look. Out of sight out of mind approach. If I find that my feelings still progress over the next month in spite of distance then I may take on a 2nd job.

[Gloria25]

So I am going to try not to even look at her anymore not even a sneak peek look. Out of sight out of mind approach. If I find that my feelings still progress over the next month in spite of distance then I may take on a 2nd job.

 

Ok, when I read this ^^ then what I conclude is it would be impossible for your feelings to progress cuz you are doing what you can to separate yourself from her not only physically, but mentally.

 

Ever see people ask what it means when their SO wants a "break" from the RL? Ever hear the responses? Well, usually the response is that the person is breaking up with you....In other words, while the person may say they need a "break" for whatever reason, the break means its over. Same goes for married people who decide to "separate". It's ridiculous to think you can work on the problems in a marriage if you're going to need to "separate" to do it.

 

Also, I'm kinda confused...If you've worked with her for like 12 years, I'm surprised you don't know more about her views on certain things like shacking up. But, then again, friends is different from dating...(i.e. how you communicate with each other).

Edited September 30, 2014 by Gloria25

[Darren2013]

Well she is divorced and swears up and down she is happy to never marry again but that doesn't mean anything. She has even talked to me about her ex husband in a negative light and how she was glad to cut contact with him after the kids were grown.

[Gloria25]

Well she is divorced and swears up and down she is happy to never marry again but that doesn't mean anything. She has even talked to me about her ex husband in a negative light and how she was glad to cut contact with him after the kids were grown.

 

So, your fear is that one day if you start dating her she will fall in love with you and although she said she will never marry again, then she will want to marry.

 

Darren2013, no relationship is perfect. Yes, some people do have beliefs and they may change...If, after dating you, someone changes their mind about something they may have said/promised in the beginning - then you have the right to break up with them.

 

Then again, if you don't want to ever break up with anyone, then don't date. Everything comes to an end - even marriages that may end upon the death of the husband and/or wife.

 

And, if you don't want to date cuz you're afraid this or that will go wrong, then that's your right. There's another tread on the LS forum about men who are just "done" with dating. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/495340-lack-interest-men-dating-one-ages Maybe that's where you are in life - where the fruits of dating (i.e. companionship, sex) are not worth the effort for you. And, that's fine if that's what you want.

[Tayken]

Well she is divorced and swears up and down she is happy to never marry again but that doesn't mean anything. She has even talked to me about her ex husband in a negative light and how she was glad to cut contact with him after the kids were grown.

 

So pretty much painting herself in good light, and telling you what you want to hear? Have ever come across a NJ that admits to being just that?

 

You said this

 

I don't want to fall for her any harder than I have now otherwise I may get sucked into something that could end very badly and ruin the friendship we spent 12 years building together.

 

From everything I read so far from you, it's fair to say if you had to fall any deeper, you be falling into the dark abyss.

 

I mean running errands for her, altering your schedule? I think you have your answer here "assuming the feeling is mutual on both sides. " Is she just messing / using you, or is it just all in your head?

 

Remember....It still goes without saying, "don't crap where you eat"! Your work will suffer, you might get consumed by this and get fired.

[Darren2013]

Sounds like I have something in common with that guy they talk about in that thread. He had some opportunities to get with certain women and the door was open but after awhile those women got tired of waiting for him to reciprocate.

 

That's been part of my problem as to why I have a hard time gauging a woman's interest in me because if she gave strong signals initially and I wasn't responding to the signals for whatever reason then at some point she will be less inclined to throw out signals as a way to protect herself. Then I end up concluding that she is not interested because I did not do anything with the signals I was given before. Sometimes that is the case.

 

My longest relationship lasted 4 years. I had another one that lasted 3 years which was my most recent ex. I suspect part of the reason they walked away was because they wanted a higher level of commitment that I wasn't ready for. Maybe they wanted to get married or maybe they wanted to move in together or maybe they wanted more time together.

 

Just because a woman doesn't come out and say directly that they want to marry the guy doesn't always mean they don't. Perhaps from her perspective she doesn't feel like she should have to tell me after 4 years that she wants an upgrade on the relationship and that it should just be a no brainer to me because that's the next natural step in a relationship.

 

Most relationships are either progressing toward a marriage like promotion or they are falling out and leading to a breakup. Staying in a middle position for too long is typically not an option. Then again I might luck out and meet that rare woman who is happy with middle ground but that also means I might get lucky and win the lottery too but doesn't mean it is likely to happen.

[Darren2013]

So pretty much painting herself in good light, and telling you what you want to hear? Have ever come across a NJ that admits to being just that?

 

You said this

 

 

 

From everything I read so far from you, it's fair to say if you had to fall any deeper, you be falling into the dark abyss.

 

I mean running errands for her, altering your schedule? I think you have your answer here "assuming the feeling is mutual on both sides. " Is she just messing / using you, or is it just all in your head?

 

Remember....It still goes without saying, "don't crap where you eat"! Your work will suffer, you might get consumed by this and get fired.

 

 

As far as falling into an abyss I beg to differ. The fact that I am still able to think about this in a practical way and haven't done anything stupid yet such as ask her out while on the job is proof that my interest level has gotten too high and too far out of hand.

 

If I am still posting threads talking about his hesitant I am to make a move and talking about potential long term repercussions of dating her then rest assured my interest level is not any higher than 89%. Once a man's interest level hits 90% or higher then he can't see straight and he would not even think about long term consequences much less talk about it. 89% interest level is about as high a level of passion a man can have for a woman without losing his head and going blind to the practical realities of pursuing a relationship.

 

My interest level in her is probably 70%-75%. That means she is on my mind alot but I have been able to control it and let my rational brain rule my decisions. It isn't a crime to develop feelings for someone. It is not a crime to even think about them everyday. It is what one does with those feelings and thoughts that is important.

 

So no it is not a fair statement to say that I am about to fall into an abyss and do something stupid. As long as I don't talk to her when I do not have to then I shouldn't have to worry about fueling whatever feelings are there.

 

And by the way as far as the running errands thing she would also run errands for me too and I put a stop to all of that 6 weeks ago when I realized I was beginning to fall for her. Even just last week she asked if I wanted a sandwich from across the street from work and I politely said no thank you. I run my own errands now and get my own sandwich. No more doing favors for each other.

[Darren2013]

If anyone else out there finds themselves in a predicament like me of developing feelings for a work colleague then just know there's a wealth of info online on how to best protect yourself and keep your feelings in check. I have spent quite some time arming myself. The fact that I am still thinking long term and not blindsided to where I am only focused on the goal of getting her in bed for one night is a good sign that my interest level is not that out of control.

 

Will keeping a distance from her cause me to get over her overnight? Absolutely NOT. It is going to take time because I am a human being with feelings and not a machine. I cannot magically turn the feelings off overnight.

 

There is no shame in developing feelings for someone you work with especially if the circumstances are such that you have worked together for a long time and talked alot while on the job and such. My crush and I have always made a good work team together and I don't have any complaints about her partnership and she has given me good reports too. She would not have encouraged me to take a promotion offer if she thought any less of my work performance.

 

So there's nothing unusual about developing feelings for her after working side by side all these years. The important thing is to recognize the situation for what it is and identify the habits that likely fueled the feelings over time such as spending alot of time together talking even about our personal lives outside the workplace. Then the solution is to cut all that out and keep all contact work related.