HotCaliGirl Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 Hi Bubbly, I'm glad you are getting through this. It would've been easy to brush it off and move forward without going through all the emotions after all this time, which are still disturbing to you and brushing those aside. It seems like he is genuiunely apologetic for what he did and that he has since been faithful. I think he can see how hurtful it is to you and will always think twice before getting with another woman on you. He sounds like a keeper and I think once you work through this, things will be great. Think about if you meet another guy - chances are he has cheated too, just on another girl who has left him... at least you've been with your current guy long enough to have the full history dating back 3 years and in comparison to the rest of them out there, he is better than most... PS - that's funny how the roles have turned and he's the one who now wants to talk. I would find out first if you should hear more of the details - I have no idea if that will make you feel better or worse and am curious myself... Like what if you ask him what her bra size was, what she looked and acted like etc. then you may be always thinking of them together and be reminded of her when you see someone who looks like her. All the "moving forward" stuff aside, I guess you have to figure out if you can truly remove this from your mind or get over it. True you're not 19 any more, but it's not like you're 60 either! Sometimes, you learn from your mistakes and move on. I guess you have a lot of figuring out to do...
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by Rene Hi Bubbly, Is it that its just ANOTHER thing to deal with after 2 years of work, and that you are getting worn down with having to deal with this not knowing if its ever going to be right and its chipped away at your love for bf? or is it that the emotional aspect is more hurtful to you? I would prefer an emotional affair because although at the time of the affair its higher risk in that the cheating could lead to the partner leaving after forming this emotional attachment. It would mean that you have something tangible – an emotional need of his to fill so you actually have something to work on. Rene RENE: I think you're right about me being tired and worn down. It's like, how much MORE do I have to deal with? I'm running extremely low on patience with him...he says that I blow up at little things now, and before I used to be the most patient person he knew. I think I always used to believe I could beat this...and now I'm starting to think that I will fight the cheating for as long as he is my bf. And maybe instead of fighting it forever, I should move on. If I knew that on such and such day, it will be behind me, I would be happy. But what am I working towards? I still don't know. I guess the emotional affair bothers me a lot more. I can't physically bear the thought of him being lovey or affectionate to another woman. I can't handle him treating her as more than a one night stand. It drives me insane. I asked him if he fell in love - he said NO WAY! He was travelling at the time...he said he met 3 different girls on the trip...and traveled with each of them for a week or so. So yea, it wasn't months and months of an affair with the same woman...but all the same, the thought of him thinkng of her with awe and wonder.... argh...it puts me in a bad mood all over again. Bubbly
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 HOTCALIGIRL: Thanks, girl. It's weird...sometimes I am fine, and some moments I have fits of anger. The weirdest part is that I dealt with this 2 years ago! So, why does it feel so fresh... I really thought about how you said if I met a new guy chances are he is the same guy that got left by another...yea, that's really true. But the one thing I would have with him is a clean slate. I think I am goign to stop asking him details about this. It satisfies me for a second...adn then every girl that I see sort of reminds me of what he says starts to piss me off. I think thats a bad idea to know everything. But on the other hand, i think the imagination is far worse than reality...so it might put your mind at ease. Everyone (all his and my friends) thinks we should be together, we have what it takes. But I am forgetting what a relationship is like without all this baggage! I mean, waht is it like to have a bf that never cheated. I dont even know! He keeps telling me that we made it these 2 years, and that we have something solid. So, I try to think aboout that and remember all the reasons I took him back. He tells me to pretend he is my new bf...the guy I got with after dumping the guy who cheated, b/c we broke up for a few months after the cheating, and he was really differnt the second time around. Anyway, I'll keep ya posted. Thanks again guys. Everyone here gives me something really important to think about! Bubbly
CurlyIam Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Don't give in if you aren't convinced about it. When i first wanted to separate from my ex, everyone EVERYONE, my parents included told me what a huge mistake I was making etc etc. I soooooo should have listened to my instinct!!! And when things started to go down, you know what mom told me? That it was my choice and my responsability to make the best choice! MY best choice. Girl, it's not your friends that live with your guy, it's you. So if you're already thinking about you desirving something more, you certainly do! Don't sell yourself short because of your insecurities and because of being scared of the unknown. On the contrary: if you do love him, if you do have faith in him, if your instincts tell you he's a good man, don't be afraid to act consequently. In other words, "Follow your heart, wherever it may lead you."
Mr Spock Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Sheesh. Listen to yourselves... "I would rather he had THIS kind of affair" How bout not at all? It's kind of hard to listen to anything he has to say when he's lied about everything that happened. If he were such a good man, or a reformed one, he would have told you everything. Honesty. When a man starts to get mad at you, or irritated with you, because you still reference his affair, and that you still get MAD about it, it means he's forgiven himself for it, and wants to move on like nothing happened. IE-Jeez, get OVER it already. You don't have to get over it. But if you're going to stay with him you'll have to let the anger go at some point.
Author bubblygrl5 Posted March 12, 2005 Author Posted March 12, 2005 Hi guys, Well, I took a coupla days to think about this....and I've realized that I am going to have to let this relationship go. I've been getting so angry lately...and all these little things remind me of the cheating...sometimes you want to escape your own head. I was out with a guy friend today (completely non-sexual/we've been friends for years), and we were just talking about stuff, and we ended up talking about Europe. Europe happens to be the place my bf cheated on me. Well, when we were talking about it, we had a great conversation. I told him I am visiting France this summer and am excited. He might go there too. And I realized that all the bad associations I have made are b/c of my bf...and that once I let him go, I will stop cringing when I hear the word Europe, or when I see a girl that looks like one that I think he cheated with. All this time I tried REALLY hard to deal with it, and now that I am just accepting that this was just one relationship, and a learning experience, I have less patience to work out each fight. I'm sorta like - I've accepted this isnt goign to work, so I don't want to stress anymore.... I have talked to him about it....he tells me it can still work, we can still make it work. And honestly, I feel sad...very sad. Sad for me, and really sad for him b/c as bad as cheating is, I just don't think he realized what the implications were going to be. We hadn't been together long when it happened - and I don't think he thought at the time that I could even possibly be "the one." All these fights started to happen b/c last week he told me I was "the one" and I sort of freaked out. I should have been ecstatic...but I thought...oh my god...can I live with this forever. And it made me think...and eventually it made me realize...no, I want more out of life. He sort of hasn't accepted what I said. It's like he doesn't believe it. We're still together...I am not sure how to go about this really...I can't imagine not having him in my life...but in my head it's kind of over. Bubbly
Recommended Posts