Missy0724 Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 A question for you ladies out there, 40+... What has been your experience regarding dating or being in a relationship with a divorced man who did not really instigate or want the divorce, but rather the ex wife did? In comparison to being with a man where the divorce was mutual, or instigated by him? Are there differences? In attitude? Baggage? Emotional readiness and health? Look forward to hearing about your experiences and opinions...
CarrieT Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 I think it is too broad of a question... Why did she divorce him? For someone else? To pursue an affair? She became a lesbian? There are always two sides to a story and many men will suck it up in horrible marriages just as much as women will stick it out as well. Sometimes people just grow into wanting and needing different things and no one is really at fault. Then again, perhaps she left because he was a horrible person, completely obsessed with football on Sunday and working on his car. But if he meets someone who loves football and cars, it might be a perfect future fit!
Author Missy0724 Posted September 30, 2014 Author Posted September 30, 2014 Oh, maybe I wasn't clear - I'm not asking why people got divorced or the history behind it... Asking if women see an emotional difference, or issues in their relationship with a man who was previously divorced by wife (for any reason) VS the man divorcing his wife, it was HIS choice. If you've dated both a man whose choice it was to divorce and a man where it was the wife's choice: Did you see differences in attitudes, emotional health, intimacy, confidence, anger at ex, baggage, etc.? Do you think it's a red flag in a way, if it was 100% the ex wife's choice? I know that most divorces these days are instigated by women, especially in middle age.
Tayken Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 A question for you ladies out there, 40+... What has been your experience regarding dating or being in a relationship with a divorced man who did not really instigate or want the divorce, but rather the ex wife did? In comparison to being with a man where the divorce was mutual, or instigated by him? Are there differences? In attitude? Baggage? Emotional readiness and health? Look forward to hearing about your experiences and opinions... Wow...Just when you think you've seen that one question that takes the biscuit, another one pops up. I am hoping you are not thinking a woman ending the marriage is somehow better and ready to move forward than the man she dumped? It was me that ended my marriage because of a fork in the road, and nothing to do with infidelity or fighting. I just didn't like that it was me doing most of the heavy lifting i.e. aiming for the sky, planning everything with no support. As someone else pointed out to you, it all depends on why the marriage ended. You read here of women who thought they were ready to go out there again, only to find out that they are NOT psychologically ready, and it was just a knee jerk reaction / trying to convince themselves that they still have it and men want them. Some men will do things just to get out of their marriage anyway, and they are probably psychologically gone from the marriage before the bombshell Even with mutual divorces, it still takes one person to initiate it, so your point is a moot one.
grays Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 I'm gonna take a stab at this even though I haven't dated guys in both those situations. I am, however, in very close proximity to one who left and one who was left and have fairly intimate knowledge of how each is doing. They are both ape**** crazy basket cases over it. The guy who did the leaving is my ex. He completely broke my heart at a time that I was feeling crazy in love w him, after we had been together for 25 years. Left me for a 40ish yr old woman (she won't tell him how old she is) who he thinks might have never had any sort of a relationship or even kissed anyone. They have been dating a few times a week since before I knew there was a problem, so like a year now. I feel pretty sure that he left me bc the intimacy was too much for him and ran to someone who was going to keep him at an arms length, just where he wants to be. BUT, he's still stomping around the house and muttering that he thinks he may never get laid again. Poor baby! The one who was left is my FWB. Wife took the kids and left six months ago and has refused to see him almost at all outside of court and has done everything she can to keep the kids away from him. It seems like he is hurting as much or more about the kids. But he says that he'd take her back in a minute if she'd have him, which boggles my mind given how harsh and mean she's been to him. She left bc he found evidence that she had been having an affair for four years. He tells me that he doesn't wanna have a relationship but then asks me if I'm sleeping w someone else and freaks out when I say yes. Then tries to make me feel jealous by flirting w other women in front of me. I feel kinda bad bc I know what it feels like to be rejected and need someone to want you again. But you know if I had been all about him and not hanging out w others he would have felt like I was needy and overbearing and he had warned me he didn't want to be in a relationship. Sigh... I think healthy men (women, too) are few and far between no matter what their history. And if they were healthy before the divorce they probably will be after, no matter who left who. I'd be much more interested in finding out why it ended.
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