Declining Friendship

[Shining One]

Longtime reader, first time poster.

 

 

In the last couple years, I've been declining friendships from women more and more. I'm doing much better in the dating world now that I no longer "waste" time on women who only see me as a friend. I'm running into some new scenarios now and I'd like suggestions on how I should address them.

 

Scenario One

I met this girl on Match. We went on four dates and she decided not to take things to the bedroom. She wanted to be friends, but I made no effort to keep in touch. After several months of no contact, we have this text exchange:

Her: Hey SO, how are u?

Her: I know its been a while but I need a huge favor

Her: My computer's broken and I have 2 school projects and my work designs on there.

Her: Can you fix it for me?

Me: You should take it to Best Buy or some place like that. I'm more expensive.

Her: You would charge me?

Me: Yes. I don't work for free.

Her: You fixed (other girl's) computer.

Me: She is an ex. She get's free IT services, you do not.

Her: Fine, be like that.

 

 

Scenario 2

This is another girl I met on Match. I really liked her and I was more patient than I probably should have been. We went on eight dates over several months. Here is our last text exchange:

Her: Hi SO, I've been thinking a lot about our conversation.

Her: I really hanging out with you and spending time with you. We connect so well.

Her: You're just not my type sexually.

Me: I understand. Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate it.

Me: I enjoyed my time with you and I wish the best of luck in the future.

Me: I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Her: So that's it? You're walking?

Me: Well, yes. You just said you're not interested in pursuing things with me, so that's my cue to exit.

Her: You're an *******. The only thing that's changed is we can't have sex, now you want nothing to do with me.

Me: I'm sorry, that's a requirement for me.

She goes on for a while calling me various names and telling me how all of her friends were right about me.

 

 

Scenario 3

This is another girl from Match. We went on three dates before we had the friendship talk. This text conversation happened a week after she drew the line.

Her: Hi. What time are you picking me up for the concert?

Me: I'm not taking you to the concert.

Her: What??? I thought you had tickets. You asked me to go with you.

Me: I do have tickets, but I'm taking someone else.

Her: You promised!

Me: Let's be clear. I did not promise.

Me: Three weeks ago, I asked if you wanted to be my date for the concert.

Me: Last week, you made it clear you had no interested in dating me.

Me: Thus, in conclusion, you have no interest in being my date for the concert.

Her: Can't we just go as friends?

Me: Sorry, I'm taking someone who sees me as more than a friend.

 

 

My question here is how can I be clear up front about my views on this? I want women to understand that if they drop the f-word (unless it's followed by "with benefits"), I will have no interest in pursuing things further. I'm considering adding a disclaimer to my Match profile, but I wonder if that will cause some negative reactions. My response rate is generally low to begin with, so I don't want to hurt that. Is there a socially acceptable way to say: "I'm not looking for a friend"?

[Mrin]

Hmmm. First I just wanted to say I loved reading that. Honestly, I would just keep up more of the same. Not need to put that on your profile but when the convo topic comes up of what you are looking for, be sure to err on the side of romance and not friendship or "code" for friendship like "getting to know cool people"

 

When I've been on the receiving end of the friends conversation, I just politely decline the friendship - at that moment - by saying "while I sincerely appreciate the offer and enjoyed our time together, I have more than enough close female friends and really don't need another. But I wish you all the best with the rest of your life and hope you find what you're looking for!"

 

That way it is really clear that things are over once the conversation occurs. When I am giving the friends talk - I do the same with just different words.

[Dork Vader]

I've been in all of these situations. Yet I handle them all differently.

 

I own a business. I will date someone and they end it for what ever reason. I wont here from them for months. Then I get a how are you? I need something dry cleaned. My response is always, "You're more then welcome to take it to my stores. We are open 7-6. You have to understand that it is a business. It is how I make my living, if I handed out free dry cleaning to every date, friend and person I met I'd be bankrupt."

 

The events.. I've had happen. 2 weeks of not hearing from them. Two or 3 days before the concert I get a what time are we going to the concert? My response is always I have not heard from you in 2 weeks. I invited another friend sorry.

 

The just walking. My response is "I'm sorry but I'm not looking for friendship, I'm looking for a relationship."

[heartshaped]

I agree with Mrin and also, once the 'friends' line has been drawn in the sand I wouldn't communicate with these women any longer. No point. Just a waste of your time and energy.

 

Scenario 2 though I'm not sure if she was so much not interested in you sexually or just saying that to see if you only wanted sex. Either way, with that and the name calling she sounds immature so you dodged a bullet.

[katinlc]

Wow - in all three of these scenarios I don't blame you a bit for how you handled things. I can't believe the audacity of scenario #1 girl.

 

 

I generally don't have interest in being friends with guys that I attempted to date, with the exception of one (we would have been horrible as a couple, but got along great as friends). However, I would never expect him to offer me IT services or take me to a concert...we're now friends.

 

 

In your scenarios it doesn't seem that they were looking for a friend, but still looking to get something out of you.

 

 

I wouldn't put a disclaimer on your profile because I do think that can hurt your response rate. I think I would just keep handling them on a case by case scenario like you have been doing.

[d0nnivain]

First, try communicating more via voice rather than text.

 

You handled the 1st situation correctly.

 

You could have been a bit kinder / softer with the 2nd woman. You don't have to be her friend in that you call all the time & hang out but I may have left the possibility open that if you bumped into each other you would be open for a few minutes of conversation. When you got to the "my cue to exit" part I may have said something along the lines of she's a nice person but that you are interested in a GF. You also weren't interested in confusing potential future new people for either of you. The fact that she immediately called you a bad name says that she is basically someone of low character & you are probably better off without her.

 

The 3rd one, I suppose could have used a bit more clarity: the tickets were for your date & since she had no interest in dating you then you were free to ask someone else. You were never under an obligation to take her if all you said was you had tickets. If you said, would you like to go with me to the concert it was poor form to un-invite her.

[preraph]

As a woman, I really don't see anything wrong with how you handled those situations. Listen, women, especially younger ones, can be truly naive about not understanding that in the end, men want more than friendship. They just don't feel that way about men, who they'd be happy to befriend over and over, so they don't automatically get that men are way more intense on that subject and not all of them want to deal with female friends. I've had some good guy friends, so it's not impossible to be friends with guys, but there usually has been at least some measure of one or the other of us wanting more, so staying friends requires having motivation for one or both of you to control yourselves, and to do that, you need to have so much in common that to not be friends would just be a crime.

[WhatIsLove2014]

As a woman, I really don't see anything wrong with how you handled those situations. Listen, women, especially younger ones, can be truly naive about not understanding that in the end, men want more than friendship. They just don't feel that way about men, who they'd be happy to befriend over and over, so they don't automatically get that men are way more intense on that subject and not all of them want to deal with female friends. I've had some good guy friends, so it's not impossible to be friends with guys, but there usually has been at least some measure of one or the other of us wanting more, so staying friends requires having motivation for one or both of you to control yourselves, and to do that, you need to have so much in common that to not be friends would just be a crime.

 

I used to be offended by this being a twenty-something closer to the teen part...but unfortunately, it is true and I'm embarrassed by it.

 

I do find it to be rude (whatever age these women may be) to expect something from you, whether it be free services or what have you. The last scenario could have been handled differently unless you hadn't heard from her until then.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with your approach. I've also learned not to maintain friendships with men I'm not interested in dating, because most of them just keep trying for more.

[LostOnes05]

You sir, are my hero!!

[Zahara]

I think you handled each one of them in a proper manner, although the best approach would be to just ignore if they aren't offering you what you're seeking.

[Maleficent]

I think you handled all three situations like a champ.

 

Clearly women one and three had you on the back burner for when they needed you.

Women two is insane.

 

I admire your spine/backbone/balls/call it what you will.

[Shining One]

Thank you all for the feedback. I won't be adding a disclaimer to my profile and will continue to address these on a case-by-case basis. Fortunately, this doesn't happen too often. These all just sort of piled up in a short period of time.

[dispatch3d]

Well I've been friends with girls after trying to date them, but they weren't this ****ty at any point. Well I guess they were occasionally but I gave the same/similar answers to you and I wouldn't have changed them (the answers). Girl 1 just seems like she wants to use the fact you like her to get something out of you. I would have just said no I'm not giving you free IT service in the hopes you one day hook up with me. I may befriend her but that doesn't involve any of the stuff (dating) we've been doing up to this point.

 

Girl 2 just doesn't get it. For a guy that wants a relationship with a girl, hanging out with her all the time yet not banging and then eventually she gets a boyfriend she likes and bangs him is not appealing even a little bit. Especially since she would then ditch you like no tomorrow. And this girl has friends who think this **** is totally acceptable. **** that.

 

As far as friends after that exchange its a pretty steep mountain. I wouldn't be doing any of that date stuff she likes so much. So problem 1 I guess. I also don't really put up with temper tantrums, and her friends appear ****ty. So yeah, I don't know. Maybe I invite her to my group, she goes, and bangs a friend of mine and they become happy together. Best case scenario really. And I bet she'd get offended at even suggesting that. (assuming her friends wouldn't be overly fun to hang out with, I assume they are a lot of young immature ****ty girls)....

 

Scenario 3 is super standard. I'm not going as just friends with girls to concerts alone just the two of us. To compare it to guys, I wouldn't only go to a concert with just one guy unless we were already best friends. You've met this girl 5 times, she isn't a best friend. She should be started as a perimeter friend, not someone you go to concerts with alone. Its ridiculous she assumed you two were still going to go together as just friends.

 

Anyhow I'd just be like alright whatever lets be friends, we go out for drinks on friday at 8 pm text me beforehand if you're coming so you know that I'm going this week.

 

I don't really look at turning these things into friendships as me putting in effort with them. You start off as friends with people usually on a semi-regular basis. No dates, no 1-1 hangouts, concerts together, going to the movies. Those are all dates, but ****ty dates where you never get laid since you are just friends, and the girl gets all the warmth of your companionship. Her friends are going drinking she invites you out and then maybe you like one of them and hit on her. Or your friends are going out you invite her along and maybe she bangs one of them or whatever. I wouldn't care. Either scenario your probably talking to her a total of 30 minutes out of 4 hours of hanging out. No big deal.

 

Anyhow if you want to convert some of these to just friends, that's how I would do it/how I actually go about it. Girl 2 just seems ****ty so I think even if I attempted it with her she would just fail miserably at accomplishing just friends. Seems like she just wants a surrogate boyfriend while she looks for mr right. The other two you could probably be friends with.