CT98 Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 (edited) Hi all, a bit about me: 25 year old man, 2 relationships, first one from age 17-22 next one from 22-25 (ended two weeks ago). I'm intrigued by notion of one person holding the power in a relationship. You know; in my experience, during my two relationships I've noticed that there's always been one person who holds the control in the relationship, one person who seems to love the other less? One person who initiates contact first, one person who is happy to see the other person less. In my first relationship I was the 'power' holder, I still loved her but she seemed way more attached than I was, and would always complain that I didn't text her first or want to see her as much as she did me. In the relationship that just ended she definitely held the power, it always seemed like I was the one organising dates, texting to see if she was OK, wanting to see her tonight etc etc. Basically it seemed like I was way more in love than she was. Are all relationships like this? Or should a healthy relationship always have equal love and infatuation on both sides? Or is the sort of thing that is never a constant and changes with time? Asking the older members as obviously I'm not as experienced in love as you. Looking forward to hearing your answers. Edited September 29, 2014 by CT98
Tayken Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Hi all, a bit about me: 25 year old man, 2 relationships, first one from age 17-22 next one from 22-25 (ended two weeks ago). I'm intrigued by notion of one person holding the power in a relationship. You know; in my experience, during my two relationships I've noticed that there's always been one person who holds the control in the relationship, one person who seems to love the other less? One person who initiates contact first, one person who is happy to see the other person less. In my first relationship I was the 'power' holder, I still loved her but she seemed way more attached than I was, and would always complain that I didn't text her first or want to see her as much as she did me. In the relationship that just ended she definitely held the power, it always seemed like I was the one organising dates, texting to see if she was OK, wanting to see her tonight etc etc. Basically it seemed like I was way more in love than she was. Are all relationships like this? Or should a healthy relationship always have equal love and infatuation on both sides? Or is the sort of thing that is never a constant and changes with time? Asking the older members as obviously I'm not as experienced in love as you. Looking forward to hearing your answers. Yes.....usually the one that isn't showing most care / interest, and is receiving just that from the other person. Just think of emotional blackmail with sex because you had a slight argument, or the silent treatment because someone didn't get things their way.
Got it Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Power is fluid and can be multi-faceted in a relationship. Both people should feel like they hold some power but are also vulnerable to the other person. There is the saying "the one who cares least wins" but I think if you are focusing on that level of power it is either a new relationships or a toxic one. In my marriage, while I know I would be completely fine if we weren't together, so don't feel beholden to him and vice versa, we still actively decide each day to be with the other person and showcase why we are a great pick for the other party. It is a fluid give and take and big picture it is equal (obviously the give day can vary based on situation and need). 2
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 I was led to believe what you think... I realized it does not work, after two long term relationships. Feelings and life in general should be shared 50/50. If you are not so outgoing, but the other is. There must be a balance between you both. Give and take so to speak. So if you both love each other equally, it is easier for both to find a point of compromise to allow equal feelings and love to be shared. As long as one does not feel compromised in being fulfilled in the relationship. Some compromises are not restrictive, as they push you to be more what is needed. One who is a loner, like me, must push myself to be more open and available around the others friends. So I compromise my built in security to allow security with my mates friends and such. As for thoughts, I feel both should feel thoughts for the other when away, and have feelings to keep them from wanting to stray away from the relationship. LIke one guy talked about having fun with the guys and going up to girls in flirtation. Like I can't see why he would have such fun feeling good about it. But that is what is accepted when out with the guys, as he felt he was not confined in enjoying his free time. Some peeps take flirtation lightly and others don't. But if he was open enough to tell his mate about what he did, and they are good about it. Then the 50/50 part of the relationship is met by trust and acceptance. So, in many ways 50/50 is shared both in feelings, trust, love, and sharing. Sharing is both away time and together time, so you can't feel happy being too much of one or the other. As if you only want time together, you are limiting yourself from being happy in life. If you like being away more than together in personal freedoms, then you are not happy in a relationship. Younger peeps, tend to put personal wants a head of what a relationship calls for. So they tend to make more independence between themselves, as they want to discover more without feeling limited with the partner. Seems like the partner is someone to share time with more than sharing their life as 50/50. I guess it goes into growing further along. One will usually grow faster than the other. Thus will feel like they are left out or holding less power.
jrtfrisco Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 My take is no, one person does not "always," or necessarily have to hold the power in a relationship. A genuinely good, healthy and stable relationship should been a somewhat 50/50 split in terms of "power" (or whatever you want to call it).
ComingInHot Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 To me, in healthy relationship, both parties want to be with each other equally, so maybe start there with the next person you begin dating. If you feel a 'shift' in the relationship, where you 'feel' the other person has more 'power' because of whatever reason, talk about it instead of pulling back so at least you know or can get a pretty good idea of where the relationship is going from the partner's view and you can make knowledgeable decisions about it yourself* ...It sounds SOOoooo easy when I right it out BUT I know that it is difficult and a pain in the booty. Relationships take work whether they are lasting or not*
Elias33 Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 It is a possibility in every relationship as personalities differ no matter how much you share with this person. A balance is therefore needed and should be focused on from the very beginning. There are going to be differences, as we all perceive love differently, and individually we may have slight different needs also. We also have our own insecurities based on our childhood or past relationships, and those should be dealt with and managed. A complete 50/50 seems unlikely to me, it will sway back and forth, that is, if that balance is achieved. Learn when to hold back, and when to be assertive. Listening, observing and communicating is key, but that is nothing new. Sorry to hear about your relationship, good luck on the road ahead.
Tayken Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 To me, in healthy relationship, both parties want to be with each other equally, so maybe start there with the next person you begin dating. If you feel a 'shift' in the relationship, where you 'feel' the other person has more 'power' because of whatever reason, talk about it instead of pulling back so at least you know or can get a pretty good idea of where the relationship is going from the partner's view and you can make knowledgeable decisions about it yourself* ...It sounds SOOoooo easy when I right it out BUT I know that it is difficult and a pain in the booty. Relationships take work whether they are lasting or not* Er.....not when am trying to understand what you mean here
Got it Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Er.....not when am trying to understand what you mean here Tayken, just a misprint. I read it as she means "write" not "right". Makes sense when you read it like that. 1
Xiang Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Here i come with my sexist remark. I should be afraid of the consequences. The one who should hold the "power". feel less, should always be the man. Why? I can't say for sure it's just what i see going around me. WHen a woman has the power she doesn't like it that her man is like that, end's with dumping and cheating. Losing attraction. When a man has the power, he just knows she has her, they don't tend to do the dumping and cheating because of the over-clinginess, they just think differently. Spew me with all your hate, we all learn different things, this is what my relationships and friends rl and other stuff i saw have taught me ! I have yet to see a 50/50 or even near that relationship...from people i personally know. I think there is always one with the "power" w/e u wanna call it.
Tayken Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Tayken, just a misprint. I read it as she means "write" not "right". Makes sense when you read it like that. Ouch...but you know what they say about assumption though ?
OwMyEyeball Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 How is power even attributed and measured? Does it boil down to one partner's overall desire for the other, or more precisely, what the other can provide for them? (e.g. sex, security, companionship, affection, financial stability, etc.) This is the kind of reductionist thinking that is fun to do in the "lab", but once it's applied to one's situation can lead to deterioration of the relationship as the observer polluters their own environment with analysis, which they in turn is observed, analyzed - the cycle continues. Relationship analysis, on its own, can be more damaging to the relationship than any of the observed markers in the relationship itself. "Overthinking" they say ... Back to the idea of power - How that relationship will work out depends a lot on each partner's relationship to power. Some people like to dominate while others prefer to be dominated. Some are collaborative and wish to share in equal measure. Power dynamics within a relationship will settle themselves as time passes.
CaliGuy Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Hi all, a bit about me: 25 year old man, 2 relationships, first one from age 17-22 next one from 22-25 (ended two weeks ago). I'm intrigued by notion of one person holding the power in a relationship. You know; in my experience, during my two relationships I've noticed that there's always been one person who holds the control in the relationship, one person who seems to love the other less? One person who initiates contact first, one person who is happy to see the other person less. In my first relationship I was the 'power' holder, I still loved her but she seemed way more attached than I was, and would always complain that I didn't text her first or want to see her as much as she did me. In the relationship that just ended she definitely held the power, it always seemed like I was the one organising dates, texting to see if she was OK, wanting to see her tonight etc etc. Basically it seemed like I was way more in love than she was. Are all relationships like this? Or should a healthy relationship always have equal love and infatuation on both sides? Or is the sort of thing that is never a constant and changes with time? Asking the older members as obviously I'm not as experienced in love as you. Looking forward to hearing your answers. Get used to it. Last couple of ladies I dated (no sex involved) just complained I didn't text them every day. I have a problem with that. When I am working, I am busy. I don't have time for chit chat every day. There is always a power struggle, but if you love each other equally there is no struggle whatsoever. It's a friendship, your lover, your companion. That is how all relationships should be...
Got it Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 A lovely lady said one time that in her relationship they have love banks and at times one's feels lower than they would like. So they talk about it and they know what each needs to fill it. We do something similar so when you feel like things are one sided it can be because someone's bank is low. We each need different things to feel happy and content and we communicate to each other what that is. It is a fluid back and forth and can vary by day.
somedude81 Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 "The one who loves the least holds the power." A relationship were both people are equal 50/50 is highly unlikely.
melodicintention Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 The person least interested in the relations ALWAYS has the advantage over the person who wants the relationship more. No way around that fact. Get less interested if you want to hold the reigns.
Tayken Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 "The one who loves the least holds the power." A relationship were both people are equal 50/50 is highly unlikely. Possible if we are talking financials though
beach Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 In a healthy relationship power is equally distributed. When it's healthy there's no power struggles or attempt to control. Feels like easy flow of energy. 1
Tayken Posted September 30, 2014 Posted September 30, 2014 ^ Bang on Power is not limited to leaders or organizations; it doesn’t require outright acts of domination. It’s a basic force in every social interaction. Power defines the way we relate to each other. It dictates whether you get listened to. It determines whether your needs take priority or get any attention at all. The problem for romantic partners is that power as normally exercised is a barrier to intimacy. It blunts sensitivity to a partner and precludes emotional connectivity. Yet this connection is what human beings all crave, and need. It satisfies deeply. But there’s only one path to intimacy. It runs straight through shared power in relationships. Equality is not just ideologically desirable, it has enormous practical consequences. It affects individual and relationship well-being. It fosters mutual responsiveness and attunement. It determines whether you’ll be satisfied or have days (and nights) spiked with resentment and depression. “The ability of couples to withstand stress, respond to change, and enhance each other’s health and well-being depends on their having a relatively equal power balance
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