Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 How do you know? Because he SAYS he does? Words are cheap. So very cheap. He can say ANYTHING. Have you ever watched that show Catfish, and watched how these slick guys tell the most beautiful lies to women, making them believe that these men truly love them, just so they can get $$$? Words are so easy to say. He can say he wants to get married. He can say he wants babies with you. He can say he loves you. He can say you are the only woman he has ever loved, and that you are soulmates, and that he has waited his whole life for you. He can get you swooning and dreaming of a life with him. BUT... Do NOT pay attention to his pretty words. Pay attention to his actions. - He does not accept you as you are. He wants you to be someone different. - His "love" is conditional... if you do what he wants, he wants you. If you don't, he threatens to leave. - He enjoys putting you down and making you feel inferior to him. - He manipulates you to do what he wants you to do. Having babies with this man would be a huge mistake. He has every red flag for an abuser. Even if he really DOES love kids, would it be good for your kids to see a mom who is emotionally abused and emotionally stunted because she married a man who hates who she is inside? And of course, there is no guarantee that he will stick around once you have babies. His track record so far is pretty bad. He's ready to walk just because you aren't "black enough". What about when you have real problems? He'll be out of there, leaving you a single mom. And a single mom with a baby daddy who doesn't even have a great job to help support you! You are being INCREDIBLY stupid to continue talking to this guy. There is no good that can come from this. You need to talk to your therapist about your need to have babies right now, and why that need is so intense. What will a baby give you that you are missing? Are you possibly looking to a baby as someone who will love you unconditionally and fill a hole inside of you? Because I can promise you it doesn't work that way. Babies become toddlers, and toddlers become kids, and kids become insolent adolescents who tell you to GET OUT OF MY ROOM, and LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM! And adolescents become rebellious teens who sneak out windows and roll their eyes and hide behind iPhones and want NOTHING to do with their mothers. Of course, most of them eventually come back as adults. But if you give them an abusive father, those odds aren't in your favor. And the odds of them becoming drug users, abusers, and suicide risks go up exponentially. If you love your future children, you will NOT do that to them. You will spend this time while you are young doing the work on yourself to become a happy, whole, strong person, so that when you are a mother, you will be giving your kids the best mother you could ever be. And you will have chosen a father for them who is an example of what a man should be, so that your sons will go on to be loving husbands, and your daughters will go on to choose healthy respectful men. Read this post 100 times. Let it sink in. I am not trying to be mean to you. But you aren't even ALMOST ready to be a mom yet. If you are serious about the goal of having a family, you need to stop dating, work on figuring out why you are so desperate to hurry, and dive headfirst into becoming healthy. I'm more afraid than anything that it won't happen. What if I can't get pregnant? All I want to do is get pregnant at some point, what if I can't? I want to know now because when I am 35 I will be older and then what? I know 35 isn't too old to have babies but it isn't young either you know?
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 No. Continue to talk to us and your family. There isn't ONE person of the many whom you have told about him who thinks this is a good thing for you. That should tell you something. My mom would be so ashamed and embarrassed of me.
pteromom Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 I'm more afraid than anything that it won't happen. What if I can't get pregnant? All I want to do is get pregnant at some point, what if I can't? I want to know now because when I am 35 I will be older and then what? I know 35 isn't too old to have babies but it isn't young either you know? Ahhh, sweetie. You can't live your life by "what-ifs". I tried for many many years to have a baby, and spent many thousands of dollars, and kept hitting roadblock after roadblock. Eventually, my dream came true, but it didn't happen when and how I had dreamed. I had a baby at 38. And I can tell you that I am such a better mom now than I would have been in my 20s. I am more patient, wiser, more giving, and more understanding that my child is his own person, not someone to live up to my expectations and who I think he should be. So if you are going to live your life by "what-ifs", then answer the questions. What if I can't get pregnant? Then you will explore the reasons why, and work with your doctor to resolve or work around those reasons. And if there is no work around, you will explore OTHER options. But you won't give up your dream and you will be a mother, one way or another. The good news is that fertility technology is improving all the time, so the longer you wait, the more options you will have (and the more likely it will be affordable.) All I want to do is get pregnant at some point, what if I can't? See above. But let's assume for a minute that you CAN'T. That there is absolutely nothing that the doctors can do. That your body is hopelessly broken and cannot be repaired. What good does it do to know that now vs. 5 years from now? This guy certainly doesn't make enough money for infertility treatments! I want to know now because when I am 35 I will be older and then what? Well, if you get to be around 28, and there are still no options for good men around you, you can take your fertility into your own hands and freeze your eggs. Heck, you can do that NOW if you want to and can afford it. You can't settle for a mediocre life with a mediocre man simply because you are scared of what might happen if you don't. You are 23. All the guys your age are into partying and hooking up and getting their lives together. They aren't looking to settle down and have babies YET. But wait a few years. When they start approaching 30, and they have solid careers and find that what is missing is a family, they are going to be looking for someone like you who wants to be a mom and a good wife. They won't be looking for someone with a kid or two by a loser abusive baby daddy... they will look right past you. If you hold out and work on yourself, you will find a man who is GOOD, successful, loving, and will actually be able to afford fertility treatments should you need them for whatever reason. Don't settle. You are worth more than that. 2
pteromom Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 My mom would be so ashamed and embarrassed of me. Would she? Or would she be scared for you, and wanting more for you? I can be your pseudo-mom... your pteromom and I can tell you I am not at all ashamed of you. I am scared that you are going to become ensnared in this guy's web and get stuck there with his children and live a desperate unhappy life where you never get to live to your full potential. I just want to call him up and tell him to leave you alone. How is the rest of your life? Are you in school? Did you go to school? What do you do for a living? Are you happy doing it? How is your relationship with your parents and siblings? Do you have good friends? What makes you happy, besides dreaming of your future life? What is good about your life NOW? 1
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 Would she? Or would she be scared for you, and wanting more for you? I can be your pseudo-mom... your pteromom and I can tell you I am not at all ashamed of you. I am scared that you are going to become ensnared in this guy's web and get stuck there with his children and live a desperate unhappy life where you never get to live to your full potential. I just want to call him up and tell him to leave you alone. How is the rest of your life? Are you in school? Did you go to school? What do you do for a living? Are you happy doing it? How is your relationship with your parents and siblings? Do you have good friends? What makes you happy, besides dreaming of your future life? What is good about your life NOW? My mom is all about being a "strong" woman. She is the type who doesn't take crap from anyone and she has said before (because she knows how much i desperately want to be in a relationship) that I need to just wait and let it happen, that she is proud that I haven't just settled for anything just because I am desperate. She doesn't know half the stuff I have gone through with guys if she did she wouldn't be proud I know that. As far as other aspects of my life: I have a BA I graduated a year ago, now I am about half way through my first semester of grad school. I don't work, I go to school, I am interning at a school and I love it! The kiddos are amazing and cute and funny and I love them. I am really close with my family, I tell my mom pretty much everything. I do keep some stuff to myself though but rarely. I have 1 brother and he is everything to me. He is an amazing person, like he works so hard in everything he does and he is just a good kid. I have friends but we are kind of growing apart, we all have our own lives. My best friend just had a baby :/ and I took that really hard when she got pregnant. I couldn't handle it because obviously I want to be pregnant and so for that to happen to her unexpectedly was just so hurtful. I knew she didn't intentionally hurt me, she didn't even know she and I never mentioned it. My other bestfriend and I are closer we live near each other and try to make time to see each other every week. What makes me happy? I don't know in all honesty. I mean sometimes I am happy sometimes I'm not. I like school a lot idk.
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 So I guess this is the last update (sorry I update so much). We talked today and he got mad again he said he is done with me. Basically this morning he was like saying that I should let him come over and I said no and he said "I can't take this anymore, I'm done trying. I have waited for sex for a year and I am tired of waiting. I am falling for you and you don't see that so good luck finding someone who wants you as much as I do". I am dumb I apologized then I said maybe if he really wants sex so much and I am not ready he can have it with another girl. He got extremely pissed and told me to F off and that I was stupid for saying that and that I am too old fashioned and we wouldn't ever work anyways. He said he wanted everything with me, a family and to "make love" to me but I ruined it. He said he will get over me and find someone better. So I guess that is the end of that. I am actually really bummed by it. Even though I got great advice about how I shouldn't talk to him or want to be with him and I understand why. It just bums me out that it didn't end on my terms. And I worry that maybe he was being genuine. I met a guy a while ago, Eric, (beginning of Summer) who was attractive and nice and he was just out of the military and had gotten out of a 4 year relationship because his GF cheated while he was deployed. We went out and our date was great and he was a gentleman and so the end of the night came and we left and I texted him and thanked him and he said he would like to do it again, the next date he wanted to maybe order pizza watch a movie and drink. I wasn't ready to go to his house. He said that he "deserved" sex on the second date because he hadn't had it in 15 months because of his deployment. I said no and he basically used every personal thing I told him against me (I am an idiot for opening up to someone so much but hey). I told him my "number" and he was like "you obviously trusted those other guys and slept with them but you won't trust me". I eventually gave in and said maybe I would come over, by then it was too late he was over me and done. Now fast forward a few months he is dating a girl I went to HS with. This girl is a total slut.. she sleeps with any and everyone. I'm sure she slept with him on the 2nd or 3rd date... and he is dating her. She is his GF. Which makes me think had I just done it I would probably be in a relationship with him. Moral of the story is maybe he actually meant what he said? Maybe Eric and this guy actually mean it about needing sex to be the starting point of the relationship and then they will build off of it? Is that what I want? No but I have had first date sex in the past and it led to nothing. At least this could lead to something? Idk I'm confused between feeling extreme shame and guilt over my sex life and then making the same mistakes over. I don't know what to do at this point because it is a lose lose for me. I always hear people talking about their "one night stand that just never left" and they ended up getting married and having babies and loving life that has not happened yet. A few of the guys I have gone out with in the past or hooked up with went on to date and find women to marry or got them pregnant and are now in seemingly happy relationships. Why couldn't it just have been me?! lol Ok the end I'm sorry it is so long.
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 So I guess this is the last update (sorry I update so much). We talked today and he got mad again he said he is done with me. Basically this morning he was like saying that I should let him come over and I said no and he said "I can't take this anymore, I'm done trying. I have waited for sex for a year and I am tired of waiting. I am falling for you and you don't see that so good luck finding someone who wants you as much as I do". I am dumb I apologized then I said maybe if he really wants sex so much and I am not ready he can have it with another girl. He got extremely pissed and told me to F off and that I was stupid for saying that and that I am too old fashioned and we wouldn't ever work anyways. He said he wanted everything with me, a family and to "make love" to me but I ruined it. He said he will get over me and find someone better. So I guess that is the end of that. I am actually really bummed by it. Even though I got great advice about how I shouldn't talk to him or want to be with him and I understand why. It just bums me out that it didn't end on my terms. And I worry that maybe he was being genuine. I met a guy a while ago, Eric, (beginning of Summer) who was attractive and nice and he was just out of the military and had gotten out of a 4 year relationship because his GF cheated while he was deployed. We went out and our date was great and he was a gentleman and so the end of the night came and we left and I texted him and thanked him and he said he would like to do it again, the next date he wanted to maybe order pizza watch a movie and drink. I wasn't ready to go to his house. He said that he "deserved" sex on the second date because he hadn't had it in 15 months because of his deployment. I said no and he basically used every personal thing I told him against me (I am an idiot for opening up to someone so much but hey). I told him my "number" and he was like "you obviously trusted those other guys and slept with them but you won't trust me". I eventually gave in and said maybe I would come over, by then it was too late he was over me and done. Now fast forward a few months he is dating a girl I went to HS with. This girl is a total slut.. she sleeps with any and everyone. I'm sure she slept with him on the 2nd or 3rd date... and he is dating her. She is his GF. Which makes me think had I just done it I would probably be in a relationship with him. Moral of the story is maybe he actually meant what he said? Maybe Eric and this guy actually mean it about needing sex to be the starting point of the relationship and then they will build off of it? Is that what I want? No but I have had first date sex in the past and it led to nothing. At least this could lead to something? Idk I'm confused between feeling extreme shame and guilt over my sex life and then making the same mistakes over. I don't know what to do at this point because it is a lose lose for me. I always hear people talking about their "one night stand that just never left" and they ended up getting married and having babies and loving life that has not happened yet. A few of the guys I have gone out with in the past or hooked up with went on to date and find women to marry or got them pregnant and are now in seemingly happy relationships. Why couldn't it just have been me?! lol Ok the end I'm sorry it is so long. I am very glad he did it for you. Any guy that would make you compromise your values is not the right guy for you. You have a lot of issues and hang ups and you need to deal with them before you get into a relationship and start having kids. Good luck to you.
pteromom Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 "I can't take this anymore, I'm done trying. I have waited for sex for a year and I am tired of waiting. I am falling for you and you don't see that so good luck finding someone who wants you as much as I do". He said that he "deserved" sex on the second date because he hadn't had it in 15 months because of his deployment. I said no and he basically used every personal thing I told him against me (I am an idiot for opening up to someone so much but hey). "you obviously trusted those other guys and slept with them but you won't trust me". Moral of the story is maybe he actually meant what he said? Maybe Eric and this guy actually mean it about needing sex to be the starting point of the relationship and then they will build off of it? Is that what I want? No Maybe they really did mean what they say. Maybe not. Maybe they would continue to use you for sex and call that a "relationship" because they keep coming over. Or maybe they wouldn't. There will be some guys on here who insist that a guy can't wait for sex, and who insist that there is nothing wrong with a relationship focused on mainly SEX. And there isn't. For them. But there is. For you. Those things those guys said in the quote above - those are called RED FLAGS. A guy who says "I am tired of waiting" or "I deserve sex" are the same guys who are going to be pissed and pouty or be off having affairs when you are 8 months pregnant and can't find the energy to tend to their sexual needs. It's a mindset you do NOT want. You want a guy who is first and foremost interested in getting to know YOU. Who wants to know who you are, what makes you tick, what you are interested in, etc. Who wants to build true intimacy and friendship with you - not just use your body. These kinds of guys exist in your age group, but they are not easy to find. You have to look for the guys who are more serious about their lives - who are still in school and aren't "party dudes", or who already have careers. The "nerdy" guys. Those are the ones you want. If you are interested in dating a guy a few years older, you will probably have better luck in finding someone open to marriage and family. The thing is that those guys are sometimes nervous around women and are scared to ask them out. So you may have to risk the rejection and ask one of them out. And if you get a "no", keep asking different guys until you get a "yes". Have faith in yourself. You said "Is that what I want? No." Then STICK by that. It doesn't really matter if someone who is fundamentally incompatible with you wants a relationship with you or not. The relationship isn't nearly as important as the person you are in it with.
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