Not being "black" enough?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You are lazy and careless and selfish to your own wants.

 

You shouldn't ever be a parent until that changes, I hope he leaves you because apparently you're too dumb.

 

Harsh words but for the best.

 

You want to raise children with an abuser because you're not willing to wait...selfish selfish selfish ugh I cant say it enough SELFISH

 

When your children are taken from you in the future because you raise them in an abusive home ill have no pity if you come here.

 

They dont even exist yet and you have zero concern for their wellbeing its disgusting.

 

That is so harsh.

He isn't abusive. He loves kids he wouldn't ever hurt a child.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Remember when I said you shouldn't settle just because you want your dream life?

 

Its not going to be a dream life it will be the completely opposite and honestly its quite selfish ways of thinking as someone else said what are you going to do when the kids ask why their dad is so crappy?

 

"Sorry son I wanted everything on a deadline so your stuck with how bad things are but its okay for me because I got what I wanted in time"

 

That is weird.

 

Why do you have a deadline anyway this is a recipe for disaster it means you care more about what you would like to have rather than a loving partner and if anything any man you come by if you were to tell him "okay we can date but I have to be married by 30" you're going to scare them away lol

 

I cant help by thinking if your only concern is having someone before your 30 and your actually considering this verbally abusive man I would say you're not ready for marriage or children because both those things require putting their welfair and wants above your own.

 

I wouldn't ever want to put my future kids in danger that's not what I want I just don't want to end up in my 30s and single. I want the regular normal relationship milestones that everyone else has.

[JS84]

Honestly this thread reads like a guide on how to ruin your life by age 26.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

That is so harsh.

He isn't abusive. He loves kids he wouldn't ever hurt a child.

 

Emotional and verbal abuse are real things, you know???

 

I wouldn't ever want to put my future kids in danger that's not what I want I just don't want to end up in my 30s and single. I want the regular normal relationship milestones that everyone else has.

 

Hmm, in the relationships I've had, verbal abuse was never once a "relationship milestone" I've either had nor wanted to encounter...

 

You're willing to settle for an abusive jerk who belittles you and wants to force you into a stereotype because he has a fetish. Mm, yeah I'm pretty sure the next stereotype he'll make sure you embody is that of a black single mom .

 

I have to ask, are you willing to put up with so much crap from him because he's white? I mean, there are a lot of non-white women out there who will suffer all kinds of indignities just for the sake of being with a white guy and having a shot at making little mixed babies.

 

That said, why are you so sure he really wants marriage and kids anyway? It's very easy to spot a desperate-for-commitment girl on OLD and pretend to want the same things. This dude is 24 with a low-paying job, an "ebony" fetish and a bad attitude. He also sounds ridiculously full of s**t. He's literally a loser in every way imaginable. It's like he's trying to be the world's worst candidate for a boyfriend.

 

It would be in your best interest to drop this guy for good and get some perspective. But, if you prioritize getting married and knocked up by just anybody than more power to you. You know you're making a mistake and you seem hellbent on making it so I guess there's really not much more than anyone can say to you.

 

*oh, I'd like to add, you an I are the same age, I'm also black, grew up in predominately white neighborhoods and talk/act a certain way that some people have called "white" so I understand a little of where you're coming from but for god's sake, want better for yourself!

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Honestly this thread reads like a guide on how to ruin your life by age 26.

 

He isn't that bad and does it matter? I want a family I don't want to be old when I have kids and a family. I don't have time to just wait around and hope to run into someone at Starbucks or the grocery store, tthats not going to happen. Guys don't approach me and I don't approach them (unless in a bar setting but those guys aren't marriage material). I have the chance now with someone who can give me all I want in the timeframe that I want it and I would be dumb to turn that down to just be single and miserable for the next God knows how long.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Honestly this thread reads like a guide on how to ruin your life by age 26.

 

Seriously! It's like, in case anyone was wondering how to really seal their fate on having a horrible future there's this thread to help them out. Well, either that or drug addiction.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Emotional and verbal abuse are real things, you know???

 

 

 

Hmm, in the relationships I've had, verbal abuse was never once a "relationship milestone" I've either had nor wanted to encounter...

 

You're willing to settle for an abusive jerk who belittles you and wants to force you into a stereotype because he has a fetish. Mm, yeah I'm pretty sure the next stereotype he'll make sure you embody is that of a black single mom .

 

I have to ask, are you willing to put up with so much crap from him because he's white? I mean, there are a lot of non-white women out there who will suffer all kinds of indignities just for the sake of being with a white guy and having a shot at making little mixed babies.

 

That said, why are you so sure he really wants marriage and kids anyway? It's very easy to spot a desperate-for-commitment girl on OLD and pretend to want the same things. This dude is 24 with a low-paying job, an "ebony" fetish and a bad attitude. He also sounds ridiculously full of s**t. He's literally a loser in every way imaginable. It's like he's trying to be the world's worst candidate for a boyfriend.

 

It would be in your best interest to drop this guy for good and get some perspective. But, if you prioritize getting married and knocked up by just anybody than more power to you. You know you're making a mistake and you seem hellbent on making it so I guess there's really not much more than anyone can say to you.

 

*oh, I'd like to add, you an I are the same age, I'm also black, grew up in predominately white neighborhoods and talk/act a certain way that some people have called "white" so I understand a little of where you're coming from but for god's sake, want better for yourself!

When I say milestones I mean like by 23 most people have at some point in their lives had a serious relationship... I haven't even had that.

 

I am not going to lie I have never dated a black person or non white man so do I put up with the way he treats me because he's white? Idk maybe I really do want an interracial relationship and family. I just want someone to want to date me now and make me their wife soon! I don't know why it's so hard

[Diezel]

He isn't that bad and does it matter? I want a family I don't want to be old when I have kids and a family. I don't have time to just wait around and hope to run into someone at Starbucks or the grocery store, tthats not going to happen. Guys don't approach me and I don't approach them (unless in a bar setting but those guys aren't marriage material). I have the chance now with someone who can give me all I want in the timeframe that I want it and I would be dumb to turn that down to just be single and miserable for the next God knows how long.

 

Translation: I've decided I am going to settle.

 

I love how you equate being single to being miserable, that says a lot about you. This relationship is going to take a turn for the historic worse in a few years once you realize some of those milestones aren't what they could be if you hadn't settled.

 

But to each their own. You learn via your own mistakes.

[Diezel]

My dad is awesome, my parents have been married for 28 years and he is nice and respectful and loves my mom a ton.

 

Do you think your parents first date went something along the lines of your dad getting mad at your mom for not being "black enough" and then told her to come over and cook for him and have sex?

 

Maybe you need to have a conversation with your father.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Translation: I've decided I am going to settle.

 

I love how you equate being single to being miserable, that says a lot about you. This relationship is going to take a turn for the historic worse in a few years once you realize some of those milestones aren't what they could be if you hadn't settled.

 

But to each their own. You learn via your own mistakes.

 

Don't we all settle sometimes in relationships? Like we know that we could do better but it's just easier to not? I mean he is a step up from the last guy I went out with who we talked for all this time he said he wanted a wife and someone to be a mother to his daughter from his previous marriage and to have more babies and "hold his house down". Then we sleep together and he becomes "too busy" to talk. Or the guy before him who slapped me when I asked if he had ever been STD tested because obviously asking that was me "accusing him of being dirty". This guy is different you know? He is nice (I know it doesn't show) he really wants a family and babies soon he said when we start dating he would wait a year until I'm in the mid of my last semester then we could get pregnant and I would have it after graduation. He is just harsh with me but I understand why I say dumb things a lot and I know that can be annoying.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Do you think your parents first date went something along the lines of your dad getting mad at your mom for not being "black enough" and then told her to come over and cook for him and have sex?

 

Maybe you need to have a conversation with your father.

 

My parents actually started off as friends. Which is awesome but I just don't have the time to be friends first then date.

[JS84]

He isn't that bad and does it matter? I want a family I don't want to be old when I have kids and a family. I don't have time to just wait around and hope to run into someone at Starbucks or the grocery store, tthats not going to happen. Guys don't approach me and I don't approach them (unless in a bar setting but those guys aren't marriage material). I have the chance now with someone who can give me all I want in the timeframe that I want it and I would be dumb to turn that down to just be single and miserable for the next God knows how long.

 

I mean no offense but you don't even really sound mature enough to start a family yourself. I don't say that because of your age. You're 23. You have PLENTY of time to meet someone and start a family. And I'm saying that at the ripe old age of 30. An age where I have plenty of friends and people I know around the same age who are getting married and starting their own families. The guy you're talking about doesn't sound like marriage material. He doesn't even sound like dating material. And you have no idea what kind of husband he would be, let alone a father.

 

You'd be dumb to jump on the first guy who says he's willing to knock you up regardless of his deficient personality traits simply because you have insecurity issues regarding meeting a potential husband/co-parent and your future. Are you even thinking about what kind of upbringing you'd be bringing a child into??? Because it doesn't sound like it.

 

You're willing to marry and start a family with a guy you barely know, simply because he's the first guy to pay you attention (and not even positive attention) and simply tell you what you want to hear. And why?? Because you're afraid you're running out of time to start a family??? At your age???

Edited October 6, 2014 by JS84

[Diezel]

Don't we all settle sometimes in relationships?

 

Nope. We don't all settle.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Don't we all settle sometimes in relationships? Like we know that we could do better but it's just easier to not?

 

No, not all of us do. And if we do it isn't "settling", it's compromise and we do it because the good far, far, far outweighs the bad. That isn't the case here.

 

I mean he is a step up from the last guy I went out with who we talked for all this time he said he wanted a wife and someone to be a mother to his daughter from his previous marriage and to have more babies and "hold his house down". Then we sleep together and he becomes "too busy" to talk.

 

And yet for some odd reason you believe this new guy isn't going to do the exact same thing? Why??

 

He is just harsh with me but I understand why I say dumb things a lot and I know that can be annoying.

 

Oh, well yeah okay then. You're annoying so you totally deserve verbal abuse.

 

I'm only going to say this once because I hate repeating myself. This guy is a loser. You're going to get pumped and dumped by him. And that's only if you're lucky. If you're really unlucky, he may decide to keep you around for sex and to be a verbal punching bag because you're pliant, naive and easily manipulated into submission. But I can tell you with the utmost certainty that he is not going to marry you. Ever. At all. It's literally not going to happen. Seriously, I am personally far more likely to walk on the surface of the sun wearing Prada stilettos the day after I marry Ryan Gosling. There's more of a likelihood of that happening than this guy marrying you.

 

The good news is, he doesn't want you to act more black..not really. Not in the stereotypical way. A stereotypical black girl would call him a f*k boy, threaten to beat his ass and swear on her mother if he ever called her again she'd have her brothers meet him in a dark alley somewhere.

 

But, all in all, frankly, god bless women like you; because in your desperation, you're willing to remove jerks like him the dating pool so women with boundaries, a good grasp on reality and a decent amount of self-esteem don't have to put up with them. Thank you.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

No, not all of us do. And if we do it isn't "settling", it's compromise and we do it because the good far, far, far outweighs the bad. That isn't the case here.

 

 

 

And yet for some odd reason you believe this new guy isn't going to do the exact same thing? Why??

 

 

 

Oh, well yeah okay then. You're annoying so you totally deserve verbal abuse.

 

I'm only going to say this once because I hate repeating myself. This guy is a loser. You're going to get pumped and dumped by him. And that's only if you're lucky. If you're really unlucky, he may decide to keep you around for sex and to be a verbal punching bag because you're pliant, naive and easily manipulated into submission. But I can tell you with the utmost certainty that he is not going to marry you. Ever. At all. It's literally not going to happen. Seriously, I am personally far more likely to walk on the surface of the sun wearing Prada stilettos the day after I marry Ryan Gosling. There's more of a likelihood of that happening than this guy marrying you.

 

The good news is, he doesn't want you to act more black..not really. Not in the stereotypical way. A stereotypical black girl would call him a f*k boy, threaten to beat his ass and swear on her mother if he ever called her again she'd have her brothers meet him in a dark alley somewhere.

 

But, all in all, frankly, god bless women like you; because in your desperation, you're willing to remove jerks like him the dating pool so women with boundaries, a good grasp on reality and a decent amount of self-esteem don't have to put up with them. Thank you.

 

Why do you think he wouldn't marry me?

[clia]

Why do you think he wouldn't marry me?

 

You haven't even gone on a date with him yet and you think he's going to marry you?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Why do you think he wouldn't marry me?

 

Because men who are serious about wanting to marry someone don't treat them like crap before they even meet. They don't act like total and complete a*holes or call them names. In fact, guys who are serious about wanting to marry you put their best foot forward and treat you like someone they expect to be their wives and mother to their children.

 

Men don't marry women they don't respect and this guy sure as hell doesn't respect you. At most he's looking forward to having sex with you, but that's about it.

 

Look, you want marriage and babies at any and all cost and it's not me, nor any other person in this thread that's going to pay for your selfish desperation aside from yourself. You've convinced yourself that you're apparently old and that the clock is ticking on your fastly approaching expiration date so I'm not going to try to talk you out of this mess.

 

Long ago I learned that some women are just so needy and desperation for a relationship they'll put up with anything and far be it from me to try to help them see the light. Just remember, this guy is being a total dick to you and you haven't even met yet. He's too much of an abusive loser to even hide his seriously messed up ways until you two meet up.

 

My prediction: you'll give in and agree to have him over, you'll have sex, he'll dump you or get bored of you and you'll be back here in a few months whinging about how you can't find a good guy to hurry up and marry your (24 year) old ass. Ah well, c'est la vie.

[WhatIsLove2014]

Jeez you still haven't even met him yet? Omg.

 

I'm sorry to ask this, but are you dying? Do you have some kind of terminal illness that is making you rush like this? I just don't see the reason to rush.

 

Sorry, but if you would bring up your self esteem, you wouldn't meet a*holes. It's like they can smell your desperation.

 

I was with a guy for 2 years, had 2 kids with him and he has/had total control over me (when it came to our son) I ended things with him and he is still trying to control me insisting that he loves me.

 

No one who loves you will try to control you. Once I realized I could do better, I met a wonderful guy...the polar opposite of my ex.

[Omei]

I've been in both physical and verbal abusive relationships (left both) and I can tell you verbal abuse is far worse the damage it does to your self image as a person in your mind is hard to recover from, bruses heal harmful words about you stay with you forever.

 

And the guy you describe sounds verbally abusive.

 

I dont have anything else to say I feel my last words were so harsh trying to get you to see I dont want to think about how bad of a situation you might force yourself into anymore :S

Edited October 6, 2014 by Omei

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Well he kind of tried to guilt me into coming over again today since he's off and I only have one class. I said no which is good. Can I continue to talk to him and maybe he will be better?? But I will just not give him sex I will try to make him take me out and treat me well. Do you think that could work? I guess I'm just wondering if I can make this situation work at all or do I have to totally give up

[WhatIsLove2014]

Well he kind of tried to guilt me into coming over again today since he's off and I only have one class. I said no which is good. Can I continue to talk to him and maybe he will be better?? But I will just not give him sex I will try to make him take me out and treat me well. Do you think that could work? I guess I'm just wondering if I can make this situation work at all or do I have to totally give up

 

It's not going to work...do you want to know why?

 

Because he is better at this game than you are. He will win because you are desperate and he knows it. He will butter you up and all that and he will weaken you and he will win.

 

Sorry.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

It's not going to work...do you want to know why?

 

Because he is better at this game than you are. He will win because you are desperate and he knows it. He will butter you up and all that and he will weaken you and he will win.

 

Sorry.

 

I feel like this happens to me a lot. It's a real bummer. So I need to just let this one go huh?

[pteromom]

That is so harsh.

He isn't abusive. He loves kids he wouldn't ever hurt a child.

 

How do you know?

 

Because he SAYS he does?

 

Words are cheap. So very cheap. He can say ANYTHING. Have you ever watched that show Catfish, and watched how these slick guys tell the most beautiful lies to women, making them believe that these men truly love them, just so they can get $$$?

 

Words are so easy to say. He can say he wants to get married. He can say he wants babies with you. He can say he loves you. He can say you are the only woman he has ever loved, and that you are soulmates, and that he has waited his whole life for you. He can get you swooning and dreaming of a life with him.

 

BUT...

 

Do NOT pay attention to his pretty words.

 

Pay attention to his actions.

 

- He does not accept you as you are. He wants you to be someone different.

- His "love" is conditional... if you do what he wants, he wants you. If you don't, he threatens to leave.

- He enjoys putting you down and making you feel inferior to him.

- He manipulates you to do what he wants you to do.

 

Having babies with this man would be a huge mistake. He has every red flag for an abuser. Even if he really DOES love kids, would it be good for your kids to see a mom who is emotionally abused and emotionally stunted because she married a man who hates who she is inside?

 

And of course, there is no guarantee that he will stick around once you have babies. His track record so far is pretty bad. He's ready to walk just because you aren't "black enough". What about when you have real problems? He'll be out of there, leaving you a single mom. And a single mom with a baby daddy who doesn't even have a great job to help support you!

 

You are being INCREDIBLY stupid to continue talking to this guy.

 

There is no good that can come from this.

 

You need to talk to your therapist about your need to have babies right now, and why that need is so intense. What will a baby give you that you are missing? Are you possibly looking to a baby as someone who will love you unconditionally and fill a hole inside of you? Because I can promise you it doesn't work that way. Babies become toddlers, and toddlers become kids, and kids become insolent adolescents who tell you to GET OUT OF MY ROOM, and LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM! And adolescents become rebellious teens who sneak out windows and roll their eyes and hide behind iPhones and want NOTHING to do with their mothers. Of course, most of them eventually come back as adults. But if you give them an abusive father, those odds aren't in your favor. And the odds of them becoming drug users, abusers, and suicide risks go up exponentially.

 

If you love your future children, you will NOT do that to them.

 

You will spend this time while you are young doing the work on yourself to become a happy, whole, strong person, so that when you are a mother, you will be giving your kids the best mother you could ever be. And you will have chosen a father for them who is an example of what a man should be, so that your sons will go on to be loving husbands, and your daughters will go on to choose healthy respectful men.

 

Read this post 100 times. Let it sink in. I am not trying to be mean to you. But you aren't even ALMOST ready to be a mom yet. If you are serious about the goal of having a family, you need to stop dating, work on figuring out why you are so desperate to hurry, and dive headfirst into becoming healthy.

[pteromom]

Two more things I will share with you. I share both of these things regularly on LS, but they both apply here.

 

One is the Corinthians definition of love. Even if you aren't a believer in God or the Bible, this definition is spot on, and you should always use it to evaluate whether someone is treating you with love.

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

 

 

Do his actions align with this definition?

 

 

 

The second is from the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. The author talks about how abusers come from a different reality than those who are looking for an equal relationship:

 

 

Evans' book goes into great detail about the two separate realities the abuser and the partner live in.

 

 

 

The two realities are called Reality 1, which the abuser lives in, and Reality 2 which the partner lives in. Both realities deal with power but in different ways. Reality 1 deals with “Power-Over”, and Reality 2 deals with “Empowerment”. The problem comes along when the partner, living in Reality 2, thinks the abuser is also living in Reality 2.

 

 

“Power-Over” is just that: Power over anything and anyone. Everything is weighed by the abuser as a win or lose situation, even those casual conversations that you may define as trivial. To feel good the abuser must always win at all costs and only the abuser can define a “win”. It is a “me first” kind of reality where everything is geared around self.

 

 

“Empowerment”, in Reality 2, is gained by living a life of mutuality where there is support, trust, assurance and encouragement. The partner always wants the best for and thinks the best of their spouse or significant other. They also unknowingly believe their spouse or significant other is thinking the same way they are. If there is an argument, the partner thinks if they only explain themselves to their abuser, he/she will someday understand – there will be an “Ah-hah” moment and everything will be better. Unfortunately this does not happen. The abuser, living in Reality 1, does not care for explanations. The abuser is only concerned with winning and “Power-Over”.

If he is a Reality 1 guy - a guy who views every interaction with someone as having a winner and a loser, you will NEVER turn him into a Reality 2 guy - a guy who views a relationship as an equal partnership where you work together to solve issues in a way that works for both of you.

 

 

Just as the definition of love, you should print that out, learn it well, and look for signs of a Reality 1 guy in anyone you date.

 

 

How?

 

 

A Reality 2 man will:

 

 

- Accept you for who you are.

- Cherish you for the unique attributes that make you YOU.

- Want to make you happy.

- Care about things you care about (even if he has no interest in them.)

- Be respectful and kind.

- Want you to feel happy and uplifted around him, and will want to feel happy and uplifted around you.

- Never want you to feel inferior or not good enough.

 

 

 

A Reality 1 man will:

 

 

- Always want to win arguments vs. solving the problem.

- Take every opportunity to appear better and smarter than you.

- Enjoy watching you cry, squirm, or feel uncomfortable.

- Blame you for things that you have no responsibility for.

- Get a kick out of manipulating you - because that means he is winning the relationship.

- Use any power he has over you - financial, faithfulness, physical, emotional - to BEAT you so he is the victor.

 

 

Who would you rather be in a relationship with?

 

 

DEMAND more for yourself!!!

Edited October 6, 2014 by pteromom

[lollipopspot]

Can I continue to talk to him and maybe he will be better??

 

No. Continue to talk to us and your family. There isn't ONE person of the many whom you have told about him who thinks this is a good thing for you. That should tell you something.