WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I mentioned it to her and told her what happened and my mom is all about like being a "strong woman" and not worrying about finding a man and stuff and she thought it was awful what he said. That I should find someone else and that I need to slow down before I "end up in a really bad situation" and I understand I even agree. I know what he said was crappy. If I could do better I would but I don't have forever to look and wait for someone who treats me good and may not work out with me. He is here now, he wants a family I want to get married and have a family and idk I feel sooo sorry for you, I honestly do. I hope that you seek some help for your low self esteem. I'm not trying to be funny either, but this is going to end up really bad for you. 1
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 4, 2014 Author Posted October 4, 2014 I feel sooo sorry for you, I honestly do. I hope that you seek some help for your low self esteem. I'm not trying to be funny either, but this is going to end up really bad for you. I'm in therapy, that isn't going to make the issue go away though. It isn't going to make what I have that makes my self esteem low go away so I might as well take what I can get at this point.
stillafool Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 You remind me of another poster who wanted to get married and have babies immediately. She was also a young black woman who only dated white guys. I wish I could remember her name because I think you would benefit from reading some of her threads. She had terrible insecurity problems and was jealous of anyone who had a baby. Does anyone remember her? 1
Adele0908 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 I decided to try again. He said he really wants a relationship and to get married and have babies and he will give me like a year to finish school or come to an end with school and then we can start a family. It isn't as if I have any other prospects and literally like 5 people I went to HS/college with got engaged or married in the last week. I am tired of waiting I want babies and a family and if he can do it then so be it. If that means changing how I talk or what I say to not upset him, or inviting him to my house then... I just have to do it. It will pay off in the end. It's cool you feel ready to start a family. I don't think you're too young, maybe a bit immature. You seem to really like him. The only thing is that when you feel overly desperate, you may accept men that you would not normally be with. Another thing is, after you get married and have kids, you might be like "Okay, I'm married, I have two kids...now what?" Once you achieve the goal, you might look at him like, "what was I thinking?" Anyway, it sounds like it's going to be an adventure for you
Popsicle Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Well, it's a whole lot better than him saying that you're not white enough, but still, you shouldn't put up with that. His abuse is just going to get worse.
FitChick Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 What sort of a job does this jerk have that he could support a family? How much time do you spend babysitting? Do you work in a nursery school? You need to spend more time with kids, perhaps babysitting for friends so they can go out for a romantic dinner in peace.
spiderowl Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 What is there about this guy that is 'good'? He doesn't reply to your texts, he calls you names, he accuses you of being a white girl in a black girl's body (as if you can change your body or your accent or manner), he tries to make out everything is your fault. You are endlessly apologising to a guy who does not deserve a nice-natured girl like you. I think you've fallen under the spell of a guy who is used to mistreating women. Push/pull tactics used by such guys can seem to praise you and show you attention one minute but then they play games and back off and be heartless the next. There is nothing good about this guy! A good guy would be kind to you, he would look after you, he would not demand sex on a first meeting or at all, he would be interested in you and make you feel happy and light-hearted, not hurt and forever apologetic. If you find yourself constantly apologising to someone, this should be a huge red flag for you. I don't know what makes you think you should put up with such poor treatment. Perhaps you fear you won't meet anyone else. You will, people come and go. There will be someone else. If you get tangled up with this guy, you will be hurt. He is already hurting you. It could get worse: his manner is so accusatory and abusive that it could turn into physical violence. Please write a list of the good characterstics you would like in a guy and a list of the bad ones you want to avoid, then compare your lists with him. I think you might find that very revealing. Please keep away from him and save yourself before it's too late. 4
spiderowl Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I am 23. Finding someone decent is so hard. So so hard, nearly impossible and I just don't have the time now I am getting older and older I still get offers from decent guys at 56, so I don't think you are old at 23! 1
spiderowl Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I decided to try again. He said he really wants a relationship and to get married and have babies and he will give me like a year to finish school or come to an end with school and then we can start a family. It isn't as if I have any other prospects and literally like 5 people I went to HS/college with got engaged or married in the last week. I am tired of waiting I want babies and a family and if he can do it then so be it. If that means changing how I talk or what I say to not upset him, or inviting him to my house then... I just have to do it. It will pay off in the end. What kind of payoff will you get? A rope round your neck? I had my first baby when I was 31. I was fine, the baby was fine, and in many ways I still felt I wasn't grown up enough to be a mother. You are worrying about missing the train at 23? Just because your peers are getting married, doesn't mean you should. Waiting until you meet a really decent guy would be a wise move rather than rushing into something with this warped character. If you are already having to change yourself to please him, there is something seriously wrong. Trying to please a guy at all costs is a disaster. You lose your self and your self respect. Can you say to yourself, 'I don't like a lot of his behaviour?', because that does seem to be true. 1
Allumere Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Huni I am going to tell you your future right now and I can guarantee this is how it will pan out. This will not be a happily ever after. You will not get married and have a beautiful family. YOU WILL BE A STATISTIC...Do you hear me? A statistic. This man will emotionally manipulate you in the beginning. He WILL seperate you from your family...his goal is control and to get that he needs you to be alone in the world. Every problem issue will always be your fault. THIS will transition to physical abuse. Read the last sentence again. This man will hurt you, mentally and the physically. If I knew your parents, I'd be at their house right now telling them exactly what was going on. If I knew this scumbag I can promise you, you would never hear from him again!!!! 1
HappyLove Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 The only good thing about this is I doubt this guy will EVER show his face. So you're wasting your time anyway. 1
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 What sort of a job does this jerk have that he could support a family? How much time do you spend babysitting? Do you work in a nursery school? You need to spend more time with kids, perhaps babysitting for friends so they can go out for a romantic dinner in peace. I work at a preschool (and go to school its an internship actually), he is a furniture mover.. he said he loves his job so idk. My best friend just had a baby and I watched her for a few hours and it was rough lol
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 What kind of payoff will you get? A rope round your neck? I had my first baby when I was 31. I was fine, the baby was fine, and in many ways I still felt I wasn't grown up enough to be a mother. You are worrying about missing the train at 23? Just because your peers are getting married, doesn't mean you should. Waiting until you meet a really decent guy would be a wise move rather than rushing into something with this warped character. If you are already having to change yourself to please him, there is something seriously wrong. Trying to please a guy at all costs is a disaster. You lose your self and your self respect. Can you say to yourself, 'I don't like a lot of his behaviour?', because that does seem to be true. It does bother me, and I don't like being pushed into the sexual aspect. I also don't like how he talks down to me he will say stuff like "are you dumb, I just said that" then I will apologize and he will say "oh here we go with you apologizing again, maybe you should stop saying dumb stuff and you won't have to keep apologizing". Stuff like that makes me feel bad. Then he will saying something about how he can see himself having a family with me, or how I will be an amazing mom, or how he wants a relationship and to take care of me when I am sick (I'm sick right now that is how that convo came up). Then it follows with "maybe if you just trusted me and let me come over you could be cuddling with me and I could be taking care of you right now". He has good points and bad points and I know at this point the bad should really outweigh the good.
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 What's the rush to marry? You're 23. Your current guy is no good but if you want a lifetime of unhappiness go for it. I don't want to me unhappy. I just really wish something would work out lol
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 If you believe he's bad now, just wait till your married. It'll get worse, much worse. My mom was 35 when she had me and quite glad she waited. What if I don't meet someone until like 30? I mean my mom had me older but she met my dad at 24 dated for 5 years (wayyyy too long) got married at 30. I am 24 and haven't met anyone who would seriously date me. He would and I can't just let that go.
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I hate to knock a woman down. But you have some serious issues. IF YOUR OWN MOTHER (that you look up to and respect her relationship with your father) TOLD YOU THAT THIS GUY IS TOTALLY WRONG FOR YOU AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN...you have to have something wrong with you. You are obviously going to do what you want to do but just remember that we all told you what a mistake this is. 4
SawtoothMars Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 He is white. I know it is complicated I should have mentioned that I guess. I am black he is white he has only dated other black women and I don't know what he means by I need to be more black? I don't know his exes so I won't assume anything about them but I guess he just wants me to be like that? He told me when we first started talking that he usually doesn't date or talk to light skinned girls. He is also really really into the idea of biracial children. He only wants mixed kids, both of his siblings are in interracial relationships and his nieces and nephews are mixed thats why I think It frankly doesn't matter what he meant or why. This guy is a toxic jerkoff and has ZERO respect for you! I decided to try again. He said he really wants a relationship and to get married and have babies and he will give me like a year to finish school or come to an end with school and then we can start a family. It isn't as if I have any other prospects and literally like 5 people I went to HS/college with got engaged or married in the last week. I am tired of waiting I want babies and a family and if he can do it then so be it. If that means changing how I talk or what I say to not upset him, or inviting him to my house then... I just have to do it. It will pay off in the end. Imagine me screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" in slow motion for like 2-3 minutes. What if I don't meet someone until like 30? I mean my mom had me older but she met my dad at 24 dated for 5 years (wayyyy too long) got married at 30. I am 24 and haven't met anyone who would seriously date me. He would and I can't just let that go. Seriously... if you want a baby that damn bad just go to a sperm bank. I really don't get it. Are you like super fat or have some kind of physical deformity? You are really 23 and never had anybody willing to date you? 2
KatZee Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Am I the only one doubting the validity of this thread??? 3
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 It frankly doesn't matter what he meant or why. This guy is a toxic jerkoff and has ZERO respect for you! Imagine me screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" in slow motion for like 2-3 minutes. Seriously... if you want a baby that damn bad just go to a sperm bank. I really don't get it. Are you like super fat or have some kind of physical deformity? You are really 23 and never had anybody willing to date you? I would never use a sperm bank unless I was like super desperate and like 35. I don't want to be a single parent that would be so hard. I'm not fat and I don't have a "deformity". It isn't a deformity. I have physical issues though.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 What if I don't meet someone until like 30? I mean my mom had me older but she met my dad at 24 dated for 5 years (wayyyy too long) got married at 30. I am 24 and haven't met anyone who would seriously date me. He would and I can't just let that go. Of course you can. You can stand up for yourself, you can have standards, you can insist you'll only marry someone who treats you well. I doubt there is anything "wrong" with you beyond your low self-esteem; I'm assuming you just go for whatever's available rather than really try to find a good guy. You should consciously seek out men who are stable, mature and intent on commitment. You do not have to accept less than you deserve. You mention you don't have other prospects, which breaks my heart. You're so young! You can do so many other things with your life, whether it's college or trade school or a really solid full-time job. What you ought to do is focus on establishing yourself. It will completely change your life as well as your social sphere. I'll let you in on a secret: marriage is not a guarantee of future happiness. Nearly half of people who are married by 25 are divorced by 35. What's the point of having a ring if you aren't happy with yourself and your life? Do you want a good, lasting marriage and a safe environment for your children? While the divorce rate is high in America, it's on the decline, and there are two things that make divorce less likely: college degrees and age. If you get a college diploma and marry at 30, you are far more likely to stay married than if you get married right now. But I don't want to encourage you to be married, because that's not the goal. The goal is YOU. You are the only person who can make yourself happy. Wake up every day and commit to being the best version of yourself. Work hard. Study hard. Volunteer. Think about how you can make your life better. Oh, and listen to your mom. She clearly knows what's up.
LuckyLady13 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 KeepCalmCarryOn - I know you're taking in everything everyone is saying and you're just not quick to move on this yet. He's going to cross the line. Everybody has been telling you that and the people who mentioned that this is going to turn into physical violence know this because they've seen it before. They know all the signs that lead up to it. When I was only about 16 or so, I was dating this guy who was real similar to the guy you're talking about and every friend I had kept warning me exactly the way people are warning you in this thread. I was listening to everything and taking it in and because I didn't break it off with him immediately, people thought that I didn't believe them. I did believe them! I just had to see it for myself. I needed confirmation from him. And he ended up doing everything people were warning me about. I broke it off and never looked back. A few years later I found out he got drunk and burned his own house down. I laughed so hard! I really felt like what goes around comes around and by that point in my life, I had plenty of time to look back in hindsight and see how bad he really was treating me when we were together. This guy is starting off so bad so early in your relationship that it's easy to see how bad he's going to get in the near future. I think you're going to be in shock when you see how bad he really gets. The people you said got married already that you seem in competition with? When they are divorced and struggling and living with all the heartache and miserable...do you really want to join that club? Getting married too fast is such a bad idea. You do know that and you seem torn between how you feel emotionally (in a rush) and what's logical, what your brain is screaming to you. I hope your brain wins this battle. 1
SawtoothMars Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I would never use a sperm bank unless I was like super desperate and like 35. I don't want to be a single parent that would be so hard. I'm not fat and I don't have a "deformity". It isn't a deformity. I have physical issues though. Uh... a sperm bank would be better than this douche. He is so ridiculously bad I struggle to even believe this thread is real. What kind of physical issues?
Omei Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 (edited) I mentioned it to her and told her what happened and my mom is all about like being a "strong woman" and not worrying about finding a man and stuff and she thought it was awful what he said. That I should find someone else and that I need to slow down before I "end up in a really bad situation" and I understand I even agree. I know what he said was crappy. If I could do better I would but I don't have forever to look and wait for someone who treats me good and may not work out with me. He is here now, he wants a family I want to get married and have a family and idk Remember when I said you shouldn't settle just because you want your dream life? Its not going to be a dream life it will be the completely opposite and honestly its quite selfish ways of thinking as someone else said what are you going to do when the kids ask why their dad is so crappy? "Sorry son I wanted everything on a deadline so your stuck with how bad things are but its okay for me because I got what I wanted in time" That is weird. Why do you have a deadline anyway this is a recipe for disaster it means you care more about what you would like to have rather than a loving partner and if anything any man you come by if you were to tell him "okay we can date but I have to be married by 30" you're going to scare them away lol I cant help by thinking if your only concern is having someone before your 30 and your actually considering this verbally abusive man I would say you're not ready for marriage or children because both those things require putting their welfair and wants above your own. Edited October 5, 2014 by Omei 2
MidwestUSA Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) You remind me of another poster who wanted to get married and have babies immediately. She was also a young black woman who only dated white guys. I wish I could remember her name because I think you would benefit from reading some of her threads. She had terrible insecurity problems and was jealous of anyone who had a baby. Does anyone remember her? I do. ImperfectionIsBeauty. We couldn't help then, and we won't succeed now. Edited October 6, 2014 by MidwestUSA 3
Omei Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) I decided to try again. He said he really wants a relationship and to get married and have babies and he will give me like a year to finish school or come to an end with school and then we can start a family. It isn't as if I have any other prospects and literally like 5 people I went to HS/college with got engaged or married in the last week. I am tired of waiting I want babies and a family and if he can do it then so be it. If that means changing how I talk or what I say to not upset him, or inviting him to my house then... I just have to do it. It will pay off in the end. You are lazy and careless and selfish to your own wants. You shouldn't ever be a parent until that changes, I hope he leaves you because apparently you're too dumb. Harsh words but for the best. You want to raise children with an abuser because you're not willing to wait...selfish selfish selfish ugh I cant say it enough SELFISH When your children are taken from you in the future because you raise them in an abusive home ill have no pity if you come here. They dont even exist yet and you have zero concern for their wellbeing its disgusting. Edited October 6, 2014 by Omei 2
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