Not being "black" enough?

[amaysngrace]

Anybody who focuses on the race of a person is racist. He is a racist.

 

Gross.

[mammasita]

Don't EVER try to change yourself to fit into someone else's mold. Be yourself.

[Toodaloo]

My parents would be appalled. I will tell my mom about it tonight and report back.

 

And not without good reason.

 

Ditch this guy - you are worth so much more. Concentrate on you and things you want to achieve (other than babies) and soon you will find someone who supports you with that (and wants babies!)...

[HappyLove]

Sorry to be the one to tell you but this guy has no intentions of ever meeting you anyway. I'm sure he's come up with excuse after excuse to get out of meeting.

 

Your self esteem needs tons of work before you start dating period. Why would you ever tolerate such mental abuse & disrespect?

 

So when you have kids with a duchebag racist who is already so abusive, what will you tell your children about their abusive father? Are you going to pretend you had no clue? 'Sorry Jr. mommy was desperate to have kid by 25 that's why your dad sucks.' Your kids deserve better than this.

[mightycpa]

He is white. I know it is complicated I should have mentioned that I guess. I am black he is white he has only dated other black women and I don't know what he means by I need to be more black? I don't know his exes so I won't assume anything about them but I guess he just wants me to be like that? He told me when we first started talking that he usually doesn't date or talk to light skinned girls. He is also really really into the idea of biracial children. He only wants mixed kids, both of his siblings are in interracial relationships and his nieces and nephews are mixed thats why I think

 

OMG, that's even worse. He's looking for a stereotype.

[GorillaTheater]

OMG, that's even worse. He's looking for a stereotype.

 

Don't let some dickhead tell you how you should act, and ESPECIALLY don't let some white dickhead tell you how to be black.

 

The WTF factor in this situation is mind-staggering.

[pteromom]

My dad is awesome, my parents have been married for 28 years and he is nice and respectful and loves my mom a ton.

 

You need to hold out for a man like your dad.

 

I do think a child deserves that I just don't think he is a bad guy. I mean I see why he gets annoyed with me.

 

This sounds like a precursor to accepting abusive behavior from a man! "I deserved it." Ugh.

 

NO - he should not be getting annoyed with you. All you are trying to do is get to know him, and he is treating you horribly. Plus, no way should you be considering having sex with him!

 

Idk it is hard to find someone my age who wants a family as much as he does you know?

 

You don't know that he even really wants a family. He could be saying what you want to hear to get in your pants.

 

Besides - you are very young to be worrying about a family. Not only is 23 young to begin with, but you sound like a very young 23. You are definitely naive about men anyway!

 

Quit contacting this guy.

 

Worry less about whether a guy wants a family, and instead focus on finding a man who is interested in a long-term relationship instead of casual dating.

 

And if he is disrespectful and makes you feel badly about yourself, MOVE ON. The right man will lift you up and make you feel ALIVE and wonderful. You will see the reflection of the best version of yourself when you look in his eyes. Do not settle for less.

[GravityMan]

OP, I'm black and that guy is an ignorant low-class piece of sh*t. He is a racist and guys like him make the rest of us look bad. He seems like the type who will label certain other black folks Uncle Toms and criticize them for not being "down with the cause".

 

Drop this moron and don't look back.

[cif]

It's better to be home alone with The Rabbit than in a bad relationship.

[preraph]

Your brain isn't even fully formed until about age 25, so you're not even an adult, much less mature yet. The part that isn't formed yet is your decision making abilities. Stop being in a hurry to jump into having kids with a guy. That's just so crazy. It's more work than you can even imagine and any dreams you have of playing house with the ideal husband is just complete fiction. It will mostly all be up to you to be stuck with the babies and getting up all night while he goes out galavanting.

 

This man is a complete and total jerk. Men are on their BEST behavior before asking you out and on the first few dates. So this is his best -- and his best is appalling. He's punishing you, degrading you, and everything else. You would be an idiot to have anything further to do with him. Pay no attention to what a man says. Only pay attention to their actions and how they treat you, because a lot of guys learn from other guys the "right things to say" to get what they want, which is sex. Find a guy who treats you well, regardless of his words, and doesn't WANT to upset you or make you wait and doesn't have bad things to say to you or put you down but wants to make you happy. To find one, though, you have to hold out and not give any more than you're getting in the way of respect. If a guy senses you will put up with a lot, they're far more likely to take advantage of that. Stop being desperate.

[WhatIsLove2014]

OP, you know in your heart and head that something was wrong with this picture that's why you decided to come here. Listen to us please. Drop him and don't look back. It's, for damn sure, hard to find a good guy but YOU HAVENT FOUND ONE YET BECAUSE HE ISNT A GOOD GUY.

[Priv]

I just really feel like a first date shouldn't be like that, but idk we have talked for a while and he seems like a good guy like he wouldn't try to kill me or something.

 

I am not entirely convinced of that...

[Tayken]

KeepCalm...

 

I was told by black women in my town that I wasn't black enough for them.

 

Be proud to be human and don't let racial stigma define you. You sound like a catch to me. A real catch.

 

 

Lose the zero, get with the negative five. ^ lol jk bout the negative.

 

With me, your future's like a proton.

 

Positive.

 

WOW....I hope this is NOT your ultimate chat up line to girls, let alone women? This is as subtle as **********

[LuckyLady13]

He's white?!? I'm white and I'm going to tell you something. He's got a fetish for black women. He could not give a damn who you are, what you stand for, where your heart is or what your interests are because he's following his little p3cker to what he thinks of as a black woman.

 

I have black friends who would never be able to be near each other because a few grew up in either all white or white/Hispanic neighborhoods and would be considered too "white" by the people who grew up in all black neighborhoods. This I can understand. They are from two different worlds. And there's such a strong culture that my friends growing up in white neighborhoods missed out on. They missed out on a lot of positive things.

 

When I'm with my black friends who grew up in black neighborhoods, they expect me to act white. If I started acting like I grew up in Oakland when I didn't, they'd drop me so fast for being fake. They embrace who I am and where I grew up but I have to also. And the people I know who grew up in white neighborhoods are, I have to say, quieter and more mild-mannered but accept me too and I feel like I'm balancing on a fence. I just have to stay true to myself and honest with people but I don't like how some of my black friends feel about people of their own race. I understand it but I don't like that it exists. To them they feel a sense of almost betrayal.

 

For a white guy though to even think he has a right to treat ANY WOMAN the way this little jerk is treating you is just unbelievable!

 

If you are open to dating white guys, get a good one. You dug this one up off the bottom of the barrel! Throw him back down there! He doesn't belong with you. He doesn't deserve any woman at all - period!

 

Your rush for having a family is skewing your vision so hard you can't see straight at all and you're letting this guy treat you so bad you don't even realize he's mentally abusive. He's seriously garbage.

 

I know how sometimes it may seem people here at LS are too quick to say "dump him" but in your case they can't say it fast enough!! I'm all for working things out with someone but not this guy because he's abusive, undermining you, trying to lower your self-esteem and you should NOT be apologizing and grovelling before your first date! That was a huge red flag.

 

The very second he said you're not black enough for him you should've said "sorry, better luck next time" and be DONE with him. He'll always want to change you and will never let up about it to the point you're going to feel wrong for being in your own skin. Not being "black enough" isn't a bad thing and it's not something to get down on yourself for ever. There are plenty of guys who will think you're plenty black enough just as you are who will adore you!!

 

You said your parents have a great marriage so what is going on with you that you don't understand you're too good for this guy? Way too good for this guy. Something is wrong somewhere if you'd let any guy, black, white or blue treat you like this.

 

You are black enough for plenty of guys. Toss this trash back where he came from and find yourself a guy who makes you happy who you have fun with instead of someone you cower down to who makes you feel bad.

 

(My friends who he'd consider black enough would shred his sorry ass before he knew what hit him and it would be so funny to watch! )

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

He's white?!? I'm white and I'm going to tell you something. He's got a fetish for black women. He could not give a damn who you are, what you stand for, where your heart is or what your interests are because he's following his little p3cker to what he thinks of as a black woman.

 

I have black friends who would never be able to be near each other because a few grew up in either all white or white/Hispanic neighborhoods and would be considered too "white" by the people who grew up in all black neighborhoods. This I can understand. They are from two different worlds. And there's such a strong culture that my friends growing up in white neighborhoods missed out on. They missed out on a lot of positive things.

 

When I'm with my black friends who grew up in black neighborhoods, they expect me to act white. If I started acting like I grew up in Oakland when I didn't, they'd drop me so fast for being fake. They embrace who I am and where I grew up but I have to also. And the people I know who grew up in white neighborhoods are, I have to say, quieter and more mild-mannered but accept me too and I feel like I'm balancing on a fence. I just have to stay true to myself and honest with people but I don't like how some of my black friends feel about people of their own race. I understand it but I don't like that it exists. To them they feel a sense of almost betrayal.

 

For a white guy though to even think he has a right to treat ANY WOMAN the way this little jerk is treating you is just unbelievable!

 

If you are open to dating white guys, get a good one. You dug this one up off the bottom of the barrel! Throw him back down there! He doesn't belong with you. He doesn't deserve any woman at all - period!

 

Your rush for having a family is skewing your vision so hard you can't see straight at all and you're letting this guy treat you so bad you don't even realize he's mentally abusive. He's seriously garbage.

 

I know how sometimes it may seem people here at LS are too quick to say "dump him" but in your case they can't say it fast enough!! I'm all for working things out with someone but not this guy because he's abusive, undermining you, trying to lower your self-esteem and you should NOT be apologizing and grovelling before your first date! That was a huge red flag.

 

The very second he said you're not black enough for him you should've said "sorry, better luck next time" and be DONE with him. He'll always want to change you and will never let up about it to the point you're going to feel wrong for being in your own skin. Not being "black enough" isn't a bad thing and it's not something to get down on yourself for ever. There are plenty of guys who will think you're plenty black enough just as you are who will adore you!!

 

You said your parents have a great marriage so what is going on with you that you don't understand you're too good for this guy? Way too good for this guy. Something is wrong somewhere if you'd let any guy, black, white or blue treat you like this.

 

You are black enough for plenty of guys. Toss this trash back where he came from and find yourself a guy who makes you happy who you have fun with instead of someone you cower down to who makes you feel bad.

 

(My friends who he'd consider black enough would shred his sorry ass before he knew what hit him and it would be so funny to watch! )

 

I didn't think about this. We talked a little today he is just idk. He says stuff like "you obviously don't care about me if you did you would do ____" He asked if he could come over and I said no and he got mad. He said he sees a future with me and I am going to lose him.

Edited September 29, 2014 by KeepCalmCarryOn

[WhatIsLove2014]

I didn't think about this. We talked a little today he is just idk. He says stuff like "you obviously don't care about me if you did you would do ____" He asked if he could come over and I said no and he got mad. He said he sees a future with me and I am going to lose him.

 

No, he is lying. He sees a future with you because he can control you and when you defy him, he gets angry. Drop him now. "If you care about me then you would ____" it's bull...no guy with good intentions would ever say that to you. He is forcing himself on you and trying to manipulate you. Please stop talking to him. I guarantee it will end up bad.

 

Soooooo many red flags here!!

[CaliGypsy]

Concur with the crowd.

 

A thousand times NO ! HE is not a nice guy . He's a big jackass. You don't want to be with a "man " who is trying to change you into someone you aren't .HE doesn't get to choose how black you are . You are .

 

You're only 23, be patient and wait for a nice guy who appreciates you just the way you are.

[Gloria25]

I feel the OP....when you're exposed to different cultures and races AND you're mixed, people wanna be all over you and it's hard to pick a mate. AND, people don't get you. The expect you to listen to certain music, dress a certain way, have certain socio-political beliefs.

 

I date white guys...I've also dated Hispanic, but they were either mixed like me or had more Caucasian features. OH GOSH, and I did run across the white guys who were into like Niki Minaj - definitely NOT me.

 

When I came back to the U.S. it was culture shock for me and although it's been years, I still am learning about Americans and the differences in races, cultures, regions, etc.

 

It's hard for me to date cuz I think it has to do with the region I live in and I think there are cultural and social things (i.e. pressure from family) for Caucasian guys not to date outside of their race....

 

To the OP, everyone here's pretty much said it...Forget that loser and try to meet guys who are more open to dating a variety of people - not some guy with a fetish for a certain race/type.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

It befuddles me that you would even CONSIDER changing who you are and tip toe around someone YOU"VE NEVER EVEN MET because you are afraid of "losing them".

 

1. Nothing is guaranteed until you've met in person.

2. You can't lose what you've never had.

3. Most importantly, if he walks away, this is DEFINITELY not a loss. Its a win. He's a douche.

[bubbaganoosh]

He is white. I know it is complicated I should have mentioned that I guess. I am black he is white he has only dated other black women and I don't know what he means by I need to be more black? I don't know his exes so I won't assume anything about them but I guess he just wants me to be like that? He told me when we first started talking that he usually doesn't date or talk to light skinned girls. He is also really really into the idea of biracial children. He only wants mixed kids, both of his siblings are in interracial relationships and his nieces and nephews are mixed thats why I think

 

What the hell does he expect you to do? Cook him a soul food dinner and sing the blues?

 

Look. You are who you are and tell him that if he can't handle it then move on. The guys a idiot.

 

This is the kind of guy you'll never be able to please beccause it's all about him. You don't need that.

[LuckyLady13]

He says stuff like "you obviously don't care about me if you did you would do ____"

 

He's a complete stranger to you at this moment - not one of your best friends, not your family. He's got his own friends and family he did just fine with before you strolled along. He's trying every tactic to manipulate you into feeling BAD.

 

He asked if he could come over and I said no and he got mad.[/Quote]

 

He should've been perfectly fine with this and let it go like a non-manipulative, socially well-adjusted sane person. Getting mad at you over this isn't normal and it's yet another manipulation tactic to make you feel bad again.

 

He said he sees a future with me and I am going to lose him.[/Quote]

 

He doesn't give up on trying to make you feel bad about yourself, does he?

 

One thing to keep in mind. Some of the most twisted serial killers ever seen in America were young white males. When somebody is flinging red flags at you this fast and he happens to be a young, white male? Run! And never look back.

 

Your self-esteem should be high enough that you should be disgusted by a guy who is constantly trying to make you feel bad to manipulate you. I'm not sure why your self-esteem isn't as high as it should be but you might know or at least you can find out. Please work on this so you won't be a victim of a guy like this ever again.

 

There are white guys out there who are perfectly okay to date but this guy isn't one of them.

 

For anyone reading this who isn't American, there's a very strong African American culture and when I originally read the first post on this, I was under the assumption this guy is black. I thought "well, I've run into this a lot and I understand it" but finding out this guy is white changed EVERYTHING. I have very rarely met a white guy who has a fetish for black women and honestly, they were total weirdo's. They were odd and awkward and (I hate to say this so much it makes my stomach hurt) felt that they couldn't get white women so they'd go for black women. And the original poster (bless her heart) said that he was saying she wasn't "black enough" reminds me of those creeps who want someone "ghetto". To feel superior over her.

 

KeepCalmCarryOn - It sounds like I've been on this earth a few years longer than you and so I've just run into this situation more than you have. It really made me feel sick to write that last paragraph because I hate that there are people that disgusting in this world. But that's reality. Everything isn't peachy out there and some people are very warped and twisted and couldn't care less about you.

 

The reason I was more accepting at first of him saying you're not black enough when I thought he is black is because when it's coming from an African American growing up in a black neighborhood, there is a sense of pride there. Sticking together as family and treating your friends and neighbors like your family. Something rare in white neighborhoods on this level. There's a strong sense of belonging and community. People taking care of each other. This is what I meant about the positive things that go on in African American culture. I would rather my friends who grew up in black communities embrace people who come from white communities and SHOW THEM what they're missing. Teach them. But that sense of betrayal gets in the way. They feel like they were ditched or abandoned and they can't get past that. Like "oh, you wanted the house and white picket fence and good schools but now want to come here and hang out with us?" They accept me because they feel I'm white, I had no choice. They grew up in overcrowded schools and I didn't. They grew up with a level of crime I didn't. They grew up dealing with racism I didn't. I never pretended to understand or relate because I knew I couldn't.

 

There's a neighborhood I hung out in for a long time but when I first got there, I ran into lots of black guys with a fetish for white women. Them seeing me around with my friends was like spotting a kangaroo in Alaska! I had to spend time there and spend time there until people got bored with me. Then I finally knew who my real friends were. They looked out for me, protected me, teased me and joked with me and made me feel okay in my own skin.

 

African American women are some of the strongest women on the planet! So if a black male were to say he wanted you to be more black, that means to me he wants you to stand taller, be tougher and stronger. Be louder, have a stronger voice.

 

A white guy saying this means the opposite.

[CrystalCastles]

Girl, I'll be 23 in a year and heck I can't even fathom worrying about making babies!

 

If starting a family is important to you, keep a few things in mind. You want to raise healthy-minded children, right? In a home with a loving mommy and daddy, who love and respect each other, right? Where daddy doesn't beat mommy up or hit the children, right?

 

If you want to raise good babies that will become mature, healthy-minded adults, you need to find a good man first. A man who respects you, loves you, treats you well and kindly, cares for you, doesn't yell or scold you like a dog, shows you how much you mean to him. Everything you describe of this man is bad. He is an abuser. A man like that will beat you, treat you like less than dirt, beat your children. Do you want that? Do you want you or your children to be black and blue, covered in bruises or with broken bones because the a-hole you married got mad and hit you?

 

Someone who loves you isn't going to tell you you're "not black enough". I mean, wtf is that?! You sound like a sweet girl from your posts. You have to work on your boundaries, you're putting up with abusive behaviour and thinking its your fault. That will get you into bad situations in the future.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I decided to try again. He said he really wants a relationship and to get married and have babies and he will give me like a year to finish school or come to an end with school and then we can start a family. It isn't as if I have any other prospects and literally like 5 people I went to HS/college with got engaged or married in the last week. I am tired of waiting I want babies and a family and if he can do it then so be it. If that means changing how I talk or what I say to not upset him, or inviting him to my house then... I just have to do it. It will pay off in the end.

[HappyLove]

I decided to try again. He said he really wants a relationship and to get married and have babies and he will give me like a year to finish school or come to an end with school and then we can start a family. It isn't as if I have any other prospects and literally like 5 people I went to HS/college with got engaged or married in the last week. I am tired of waiting I want babies and a family and if he can do it then so be it. If that means changing how I talk or what I say to not upset him, or inviting him to my house then... I just have to do it. It will pay off in the end.

 

 

 

Did you talk to your mom about this like you said you would?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Did you talk to your mom about this like you said you would?

 

I mentioned it to her and told her what happened and my mom is all about like being a "strong woman" and not worrying about finding a man and stuff and she thought it was awful what he said. That I should find someone else and that I need to slow down before I "end up in a really bad situation" and I understand I even agree. I know what he said was crappy. If I could do better I would but I don't have forever to look and wait for someone who treats me good and may not work out with me. He is here now, he wants a family I want to get married and have a family and idk