Need Help , Feel Completely Cheated

[stoneymirror]

So I've been dating this wonderful girl now for just over 2 years. She tells me about a year ago that she was bisexual. She never had a relationship with another female before but she talks about how she's attracted to females pretty frequently. I believe she's deeply in love with me but last night something happened that I'm not sure I can get over.

 

Last night we went to a gay bar and found out that she allowed another gay woman keep her hand on her shoulder for like 5 minutes as she was watching a performer on stage. I was off with a friend of mine at the bar and not in the picture. She confesses this to me the next day and I feel completely cheated by this.

 

I now feel completely insecure and she blames me for feeling that way and just blows it off. But I feel like that is not cool at all. If it were another guy it definitely wouldn't be acceptable but since it's a gay woman she thinks nothing of it, and tells me I'm blowing this out of proportion. WE had a huge fight over this, I got really upset and told her that she was an ******* and that she obviously wasn't thinking about my feelings at all, and told her to stay at her parents and now fear that the relationship is over.

 

So I'm reaching out to you guys, and asking what would you do, how would you feel. At this point, an hour after this news was brought to me, I feel like I can't trust her anymore, and fear that something even worse would happen in the future if we ended up staying together. I know this is very fresh and I haven't had time to calm down, but I feel completely insecure about things now.

 

Any insight would be helpful, I feel like giving up, and I feel sick to my stomach.

[mammasita]

A gay woman had her hand on your GFs shoulder? Am I missing something here? Even if a man had his hand on your GFs shoulder for five minutes I don't know that it's anything terrible.

 

Can you elaborate? Otherwise I'd say you're completely over reacting.

[stoneymirror]

A gay woman had her hand on your GFs shoulder? Am I missing something here? Even if a man had his hand on your GFs shoulder for five minutes I don't know that it's anything terrible.

 

Can you elaborate? Otherwise I'd say you're completely over reacting.

 

Maybe that's where we differ, I don't think it's okay to be at a bar and have some other person put their arm around you. For me it would be a sign that someone is making an advance towards me and I'd politely say, sorry I have a GF please remove your hand.

 

My GF tells me she's bi, and always talking about how she's attracted to females, this makes me feel a bit insecure to begin with. Knowing she allowed some random stranger to put her arm around her makes me feel much more insecure. Like she's testing the waters.

 

Personally I feel if some random girl had her arm around me for any extended period of time it wouldn't be respectful to my partner. It's not something I would feel comfortable doing.

[mammasita]

Maybe that's where we differ, I don't think it's okay to be at a bar and have some other person put their arm around you. For me it would be a sign that someone is making an advance towards me and I'd politely say, sorry I have a GF please remove your hand.

 

My GF tells me she's bi, and always talking about how she's attracted to females, this makes me feel a bit insecure to begin with. Knowing she allowed some random stranger to put her arm around her makes me feel much more insecure. Like she's testing the waters.

 

Personally I feel if some random girl had her arm around me for any extended period of time it wouldn't be respectful to my partner. It's not something I would feel comfortable doing.

You're right. Your wording threw me off, you said "hand on her shoulder."....I'm thinking and picturing something completely different than someone putting their arm around her.

 

Why would she stand there and let a stranger put their arm around her is what I want to know?

[stoneymirror]

You're right. Your wording threw me off, you said "hand on her shoulder."....I'm thinking and picturing something completely different than someone putting their arm around her.

 

Why would she stand there and let a stranger put their arm around her is what I want to know?

 

That's exactly what I ask myself. That seems totally wrong to me. She just tells me I'm blowing things out of proportion and yet I feel like she's just testing the waters. She's always talking about how she has dreams of being with a woman and now we're at a gay bar and she let's some gay woman put her arm around her. I really don't feel like I'm overreacting, I know if she found out that a woman had her arm around me for even 2 minutes and I thought that was okay she'd get mad. I wouldn't do that to someone and have more respect for myself and my partner to even make them question any intentions like that.

 

This has been an absolutely great relationship, but my GF does tell me very frequently that she has gay dreams, points out hot girls in front of me, which I'm pretty cool with, and have accepted her for who she is. I know she's deeply in love with me and she goes to great lengths to show me this day in and day out. But now I am feeling insecure about her sexuality, and fear that if I were to stay with her long term that one day she'd just come out and say I'm gay or something. It's not a very good feeling I'm having right now. And this is someone who I was planning on marrying, having kids with, and talked about buying our first house together here in a few months. Now I feel like I've been cheated and am really questioning what sort of future I really have with her.

 

I've had a lot of stress this last year, my dad passed away, my job has been overbearing and now this just takes the cake. Feels like it's all just too much.

[stoneymirror]

If your GF is bi we must assume that having a girl holding her shoulder would be the same as having a guy holding her shoulder. I can see how this can be crossing the line, but in all honesty, if you have made friends with someone at a bar, getting to know them a little bit, I don't see anything wrong with holding a shoulder unless other advances are made. From your point of view I can see how it makes you insecure. From your GF's point of view I can see how she wouldn't think much of this as she has never had a relationship with another female before. I think you overreact a little bit, but completely understand how you could be intimidated. I do believe you should forgive your GF though and try to talk it out. After all - if she had any intention to actually cheat on you with this gay female I think she would have not let her hold her shoulder at all out of fear that you would notice. The fact that she let it happen without thinking much of it shows how comfortable she is in her relation to you. At least that is how I see it.

 

I see where you're coming from, and how she feels so secure with me, I get it, and I know there's no way she'd ever cheat on me. That's not the type of person she is, she's very reserved, especially when it comes to other guys. She gets hit on a lot at her work, and always brings my name into the conversation to give the guys the hint she's taken. But in this case I feel like she makes exceptions to the rules just cause it's a female. But honestly I feel just as insecure about it as I would if it were a man. But she seems to think it's okay.

 

I guess I'm really torn up here, I really planned my life with this girl and now it feels like everything is in jeopardy. Are these feelings she's having that she hasn't fully explored yet? Is there a chance somewhere down the line she determines she's actually gay? I feel like the trust has been broken here and she just threw it back at me saying it's my own insecurities. But that seems selfish and irresponsible to me. For the very first time I really feel like she doesn't care about me.

 

As much as I love being with someone, it's times like this I feel so lost and on my own. I really hate it, and wonder if I'll ever feel completely secure with someone. Personally I don't do this sort of stuff to other people, I am very emotional and wouldn't want anyone else to feel bad. I always think about my partner and what I would feel if things were in reverse. Personally I'm finding this really tough cause I wouldn't do this to her, but she was okay with it.

[ja123]

I would say that if she has said she is bi and has gay dreams, then she's going to eventually want to explore that part of herself.

 

 

If she's never been with another woman and she's young, then I'd wonder if she isn't more gay than bi even.

 

 

Are you comfortable with her possibly sleeping with other women in a semi-open relationship?

 

 

If not, then you need to reconsider being with her.

 

 

But, firstly, you've got to talk with her. Just ask questions, listen, and see where she stands; but, keep in mind that she might not even know herself if she's never tried being with a woman.

 

 

Sorry about your dad and your job.

 

 

I can see how this extra stress is so difficult to deal with.

[stoneymirror]

It is a tough one - I see that. But I don't think you have anything to worry about. It is easy to feel intimidated when the whole gay thing comes into the question, but fact is that approximately 85% of females have some sort of gay tendencies. This doesn't mean that they would have sex with other women but simply that they are capable of finding women attractive.

 

The main thing here is you feeling extra intimidated because you are afraid of those tendencies with your GF. But maybe she was just really honest with you because she trusts you. The 85% is proven, but I don't think 85% of girls have admitted their attraction to women to their boyfriends.

 

Of course I don't know her, but I do think it sounds like she cares about you very much. It also sounds like you are extra afraid because we are talking about a gay woman which is obviously intimidating but never the less less 'dangerous' than guys hitting on her, which, as you said, happens all the time. I think she has proven her truthfulness

 

Don't let this come between you, it was nothing really! go get her!

 

 

Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it, I can't tell you how helpful it is having at least someone to talk to about this. I really have no one I can reach out to in this time.

 

Personally I'm not going to go out and get her as you say, I still feel she was in the wrong, and you're right I probably don't have anything to be afraid of, but she just blew me off and blamed me for overreacting. I don't appreciate that at all. I need time to myself to calm down and think things over. Obviously I'd hate it if this relationship ended, I would be devastated honestly, but I can't just get over this in a matter of a day. I'm way too emotional and I feel if I just go and say that I overreacted then it would confirm her feelings and not realize how this effects me at the end of the day.

 

I really don't know how or when this may resolve itself, but I'm no pushover and have been through too many bad relationships to just fold. I have a lot of respect for myself and it took me a long time to gain this respect. I don't want to lose it now.

 

Thanks again for your help, hopefully I can calm down, and she can apologize for putting me in this position. I feel people need to take responsibility and be accountable for their actions, even if they didn't initially realize they were wrong. At the end of the day, I felt really bad, felt marginalized, and felt pushed over by her throwing this on my shoulders and blaming my insecurity. That doesn't go over easy with me. I need to make sure I'm in a respectful relationship and won't be able to rekindle my bond with her unless there's some sort of acknoledgement on her end that she was acting a bit selfishly.

 

Thanks again everyone for helping out, I really appreciate it.

[stoneymirror]

I would say that if she has said she is bi and has gay dreams, then she's going to eventually want to explore that part of herself.

 

 

If she's never been with another woman and she's young, then I'd wonder if she isn't more gay than bi even.

 

 

Are you comfortable with her possibly sleeping with other women in a semi-open relationship?

 

 

If not, then you need to reconsider being with her.

 

 

But, firstly, you've got to talk with her. Just ask questions, listen, and see where she stands; but, keep in mind that she might not even know herself if she's never tried being with a woman.

 

 

Sorry about your dad and your job.

 

 

I can see how this extra stress is so difficult to deal with.

 

 

Yes this is how I feel, she's almost 30 years old, and I question too that if she would explore this other side she might end up permanetly go in that direction. The thing is, her parents are very religious, she's always had this stigma attached to her that having these feelings is wrong. She has told me in the past she made out with a few chicks when she's drunk at the bar, but never anything more than that.

 

She's very into me, and that's not something I question one bit, but one has to wonder what really is going on with her at times, and if this is just normal, like most women say they have these bi tendencies and she is just so open with me about it or if it's something more. It's a lot to wrap my head around.

 

Boy life is really difficult, it seems like there's never any guarantees in life. I just really felt this was a sure thing with her and I and that we'd spend the rest of our lives together since we have such a great relationship, but then I have to wonder what if this explodes in my face. Everything turns for the worst and all the signs were there the whole time. You just never know what to expect.

 

At this point I'm just going to take some time to myself, I don't know what to do at this point. I feel completely catatonic. I think I will just wait to hear from her and go from there. I'm not the type of person who chases after people no matter what. I will just let the gods decide what happens I guess.

[mammasita]

I would say that if she has said she is bi and has gay dreams, then she's going to eventually want to explore that part of herself.

 

 

If she's never been with another woman and she's young, then I'd wonder if she isn't more gay than bi even.

 

 

Are you comfortable with her possibly sleeping with other women in a semi-open relationship?

 

 

If not, then you need to reconsider being with her.

 

 

But, firstly, you've got to talk with her. Just ask questions, listen, and see where she stands; but, keep in mind that she might not even know herself if she's never tried being with a woman.

 

 

Sorry about your dad and your job.

 

 

I can see how this extra stress is so difficult to deal with.

I agree with this and I can relate 150%

 

When I was younger and married to my sons father, I went through the same thing. I began to have the same feelings of wanting to experiment. Had dreams of being with other women. I approached my then husband with the possibility of a threesome he pretty much said hell no (LOL). I asked if I could explore, he again said hell no that was cheating. Ok I agree with that.

 

Needless to say after we split up (for other unrelated reasons) I was able to fully explore everything and get it all out of my system.

 

You might have to be willing to let her explore and potentially accept that she might end up wanting to be with a woman.

[stoneymirror]

I agree with this and I can relate 150%

 

When I was younger and married to my sons father, I went through the same thing. I began to have the same feelings of wanting to experiment. Had dreams of being with other women. I approached my then husband with the possibility of a threesome he pretty much said hell no (LOL). I asked if I could explore, he again said hell no that was cheating. Ok I agree with that.

 

Needless to say after we split up (for other unrelated reasons) I was able to fully explore everything and get it all out of my system.

 

You might have to be willing to let her explore and potentially accept that she might end up wanting to be with a woman.

 

Thanks for your input, I'm just too old and have gone through too much in my life to let someone go and then hope to reunite some time down the line. I really appreciate your perspective cause if this is how she feels then when we do talk this is definitely something I need to bring up and get out on the table so I can move on from this.

[Dork Vader]

Another woman holding her hand on her shoulder would not concern me. Heck another guy doing it wouldn't really concern me. Now if the person tried too do much more I'd expect my girl friend to put up the boundaries of we are just friends.

 

 

Why she confessed it too you makes me curious? But that is besides the point.

 

 

What is concerning is that she has told you she is bi-sexual. It seems she is exploring her sexuality and thoughts about being a lesbian. Why else would she be going to a gay bar?

 

 

You have a few options.

 

 

1. Explore her sexuality with her but be prepared for your relationship to fall apart. There is a high chance drama will unfold and you'll be left with nothing. When you bring third parties in you'll feel second or she will. Someone will get attached it's really nothing but drama.

 

 

2.Tell her when she figures out what she wants she can call you. But you can not be in a relationship with her while she toys with the idea of her being bi-sexual.

 

 

I personally would go with 2, while 1 might seem like fun. The odds of it going well are slim. At least with 2 you can be understanding of her desire to explore her sexuality and sort of end things on good terms.

 

 

But either way this whole "I might be gay and I'm toying with the idea" crap has no place in an exclusive committed relationship.