jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I've created a handful of topics now about this girl I've been seeing (we met on Match) and, looking back, realized I was probably jumping the gun when I wanted to ask about where things were a few dates ago. However, things have been really picking up. We've seen each other three times since the 18th and have plans for tomorrow and this upcoming Friday. This week will mark dates 8 and 9 in two months time (less if you remove the two weeks we were each on vacation). Our dates are always great. Great conversation, great laughs, and we have had sex. We communicate every day and things seem to be going great. Originally, I was overthinking things and had some insecurities (and I probably still do), but the past week and a half has made me much more confident in where we stand (despite never asking). Now, though, I'm at the point where I feel like the talk is appropriate. I feel like if I wait any longer, it might send the wrong signals. If I keep waiting, she may not bring it up (she seems timid/hesitant about making the first move/discussing things of this nature). Most of all, I want this to be official. Should be easy, right? Well, my little friend fear is really rearing his head. Despite being confident, I'm scared as hell. I'm scared that asking may cause this whole thing to implode and be over just like that. I'm also scared that if I don't ask, she'll get fed up and move on. The coward in me wants to just ride it out and hope that she brings it up. The other part of me knows that I need to ask, but is lacking that courage. Basically, I know that this is a defining moment. It could either take things to the next level or ruin things. Quite honestly, I'm invested enough that the latter would be a pretty big blow. I really like this girl. So, do I do this tomorrow? If so, how/when should I bring it up? Should I hang back while we're walking to the restaurant and just casually mention it? Should I wait until the end of the night? I guess the cliff notes version would be: Is it too soon to bring this up? Should I bring it up? If so, how? Thanks for your advice.
Author jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 **** fear. Go for it. Be sweet. I'm usually pretty clumsy with these kinds of conversations. Do you have any recommendations as to how/when I should do it? I was thinking of just saying, "so, should we make this official?" when I felt the moment was right, but I'm not sure if that's a great approach.
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I'd be wary of such a talk before you have known each other for at least a month.
Author jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 I'd be wary of such a talk before you have known each other for at least a month. It has been nearly two since we first met and probably nearing two and a half since we first started emailing on Match.
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I thought you meant the 18th of this month. Sorry. Talk away then.
Author jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 I thought you meant the 18th of this month. Sorry. Talk away then. Oh, yeah, I can see how that may have been confusing. I just meant that the frequency of things has started to pick up since the 18th of this month.
Author jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Yeah, I really messed that up in my initial post. We met back at the beginning of August.
Author jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Just rehearsing in my head, but what about something along the lines of: "So, I feel like over the past week and a half we've gotten closer and things have taken a big step forward. Should we make this official?" Should I say she doesn't have to answer immediately?
BlueIris Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I’m in favor of saying, not asking. Asking always sounds like ambivalence or fear to me. I’d say, “I really like you and I'd like us to be exclusive. How do you feel?” It's nice to start with a kiss. And if she waffles, say, "think about it and then let me know" and then have fun for the rest of the night. 2
Author jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 So would you be in favor of doing it at the beginning of the evening? After thinking it over, I think the end of the night might be better since we'll be walking to the restaurant with another couple.
anna121 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I’m in favor of saying, not asking. Asking always sounds like ambivalence or fear to me. I’d say, “I really like you and I'd like us to be exclusive. How do you feel?” It's nice to start with a kiss. And if she waffles, say, "think about it and then let me know" and then have fun for the rest of the night. I agree with this. Tell her you want to be exclusive and ask how she feels about that. When you pose it as a question you subtly put the ball in her court.
Divasu Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Honesty is the best policy here and if you find you're holding back your feelings than simply put you're not being true to yourself. That's not really advice nor action specific but rather, a simple guideline of your own. What you do with it is up to you.
BlueIris Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 So would you be in favor of doing it at the beginning of the evening? After thinking it over, I think the end of the night might be better since we'll be walking to the restaurant with another couple. I think either is fine. Most important is that it not be pressured for you or her. As Anna said, asking puts the ball in her court. The goal is to make it feel as easy and comfortable as possible for her to answer or not answer, while conveying that you like her and want to keep seeing her no matter her answer- no pressure, no forcing.
katinlc Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Go for it. If she likes you, she's probably been worrying herself over what you are thinking and where you are going. I will say that I am happier with the guy I am currently dating than any guy I have dated in a long time because he has played no games with where we are and that he likes me and wants to be with just me. He didn't push but I have never had to question his motives or feelings towards me because he has always been very clear and this has caused me to be much happier and stress-free. So instead of worrying about where we stand, I'm actually just enjoying being with him and that has made so much difference in me being myself and just being happy. He didn't worry about being desperate or needy, he was just honest with how he felt. So I say go for it, but don't put any pressure. Girls like to know where they stand with a guy and it really helps us to not stress/overanalyze. Knowing the guy wants to be with just me is a huge relief because if I've dated someone past 3-4 dates it's because I want to just be with them.
katinlc Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 I’m in favor of saying, not asking. Asking always sounds like ambivalence or fear to me. I’d say, “I really like you and I'd like us to be exclusive. How do you feel?” It's nice to start with a kiss. And if she waffles, say, "think about it and then let me know" and then have fun for the rest of the night. ...and I think this is the perfect way to handle it.
Author jjtr Posted September 30, 2014 Author Posted September 30, 2014 Well, I didn't even word it how I had rehearsed, but it still worked! Got back from being out with her friends, her roommate was in the living room, so I called her into her room, sat down on the bed, had her sit next to me and managed to get something along the lines of, "so I'm just going to put this out there. I really like you and we should make probably make this official." She laughed and said, "well I'm glad you were the one who asked." 2
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