What's the point?

[Inflikted]

I've spent my entire life being unable to make friends or especially date. I've never had friends or any kind of social circle, I've never done anything even remotely "romantic" with a girl.

 

It's really not for a lack of trying. I've met and encountered many people over my life. I've found myself in various groupings of people for various activities. And I fail every single time to connect with anyone. I don't mix well or mingle well with people. Everyone around me seems to "mingle" and connect just fine, and I'm usually on the outside looking in.

 

This upsets me and frustrates me, because I would, of course, like to have people in my life, as well. But I just... can't. And the thing of it is, I'm 25, going on 26. In my mind, it's pretty much "too late", because I'm already so inexperienced with everything that nobody is going to be patient and understanding enough to want to connect with me, anyway.

 

I don't know how to be a "boyfriend", or even just a guy a girl goes on a date with. I don't know places to take a girl. I don't know how to be "romantic", I don't know how to be "spontaneous", I don't know how to be "fun and flirty", I don't know how to be "sexual", I don't know how to be any of that. I don't even know how to make and have friends. What girl is ever going to want to date that guy, especially when he's still going to be like this into his 30s and 40s?

 

I find myself constantly feeling upset and alone, I even lose sleep over it most nights, but I feel so powerless. It doesn't feel like my inability to connect with people is due to any specific thing I'm doing or not doing, it just seems like that's just me, that's just who I am, and that's that.

 

Lately, I've been pondering the question, what's the point of even living when you can't connect with even a single person? Everything feels so hollow and meaningless without even a single soul to share my life experiences with.

[TouchedByViolet]

When it comes to making friends have you tried coed sports? Kickball is pretty fun and a lot of people around your age play it. Try any other sports or hobbies that let you mingle with others? Meetup?

 

I would try baby steps, so you don't get overwhelmed. Just invite someone you know to grab lunch one day. Or maybe to a movie. Think of stuff you enjoy that you could invite others to share that with.

[No Limit]

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Just to diagnose if it's really some bad social skill, or perhaps some 'bad vibes' you're expressing subconsciously.

 

 

I'm not saying you are crazy or anything like that, but if you really, really haven't connected with anyone in your whole life (parents, family excepted) there's something wrong. Especially if you have participated in group activities and are still left without results.

[ja123]

I think a therapist would be a good idea.

 

 

I've been to one and even did some group therapy. You'd be amazed at the people you might come across in group therapy, too: some very successful (doctors, lawyers, etc.), but all feeling alone with their issues and needing to reach out, too, and find acceptance. I say this just so you don't feel it's a stigma to reach out for help. It's a very brave and courageous thing to do.

 

 

Good luck!

[Inflikted]

When it comes to making friends have you tried coed sports? Kickball is pretty fun and a lot of people around your age play it. Try any other sports or hobbies that let you mingle with others? Meetup?

 

I would try baby steps, so you don't get overwhelmed. Just invite someone you know to grab lunch one day. Or maybe to a movie. Think of stuff you enjoy that you could invite others to share that with.

 

I don't like sports or any kind of athletic activity at all, but I have been involved in other activities that align more to my interests, and it's always the same thing every time; everyone else hits it off and I'm just sort of there. Even if I excel at whatever the activity is, or can serve some special purpose, that's really all I'm ever good for, and no one seems to have any interest in me beyond that.

 

At times when I thought I was connecting with people, I did try to get people together to do something, like see a movie, but nobody ever agrees to it when I invite them. The only time I get to hang out with people is when they invite me, and that's only happened, like, twice in the last five years or so. But if I try to get something going, nobody wants in.

 

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Just to diagnose if it's really some bad social skill, or perhaps some 'bad vibes' you're expressing subconsciously.

 

 

I'm not saying you are crazy or anything like that, but if you really, really haven't connected with anyone in your whole life (parents, family excepted) there's something wrong. Especially if you have participated in group activities and are still left without results.

 

I went to one session, last year. I had a hard time locating local options for therapy to begin with. I was initially told that my health insurance would cover the costs, but days after that first session, I was informed that it was actually not covered and I'd have to pay for it myself. Unfortunately, my level of income doesn't allow me to afford paying for therapy.

 

Although, I'm a bit biased against therapy, to begin with, so I guess it just is what it is.

[OwMyEyeball]

Do you recall any point in your past when you believe to have been connected with other people.

 

I'm careful not to say "felt like you connected" because if you're feeling "disconnected" right now then you won't be able to make an emotional link to the memory, so even genuine past connections may seem as though they were only superficial.

 

What recollections do you have of socializing during your childhood? What do your parents have to say about your behaviour as a child?

 

Everything that you feel you don't "know" about flirting, romance, friendship, sex and so on is immediately solved once you are able to reconnect. That you've still been socially active is very good. Even though you may not feel as though you've connected, you could very well have put a lot of social behaviour into intuition through simply observing and being present. You may very well know much more than you do and have just to find that one crucial missing piece.

 

This is just a hunch, but do you mind indulging me and taking this 2-minute test for high sensitivity. How do you score?

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm not sure what to say except that this is the way life is.

 

People want to surround themselves with the best people whether it be friendship or romance.

 

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position where you want to hang out/date people, but none or few of them want that from you, then you happen to be in a bad position.

 

People really only want what you can give them. First lesson of life.

[preraph]

So you're biased against the one thing that could help you. People with social anxiety IF that's what this is are the last ones who ever want to go to therapy. It may be something else entirely since you say you do have activities and get in groups and try.

 

It's really easy to get on with people if you just keep asking them questions about themselves and smile quite a bit and listen to what they say and follow up when they talk by repeating part of it back to them. It makes them feel you are interested and interesting. Yes, it's a bit fakey, but if it's friends you want, you do have to put in some effort and try to get someone to like you and that's how you do it.

[Inflikted]

This is just a hunch, but do you mind indulging me and taking this 2-minute test for . How do you score?

 

I marked 16 as true for myself.

 

Do you recall any point in your past when you believe to have been connected with other people.

 

I'm careful not to say "felt like you connected" because if you're feeling "disconnected" right now then you won't be able to make an emotional link to the memory, so even genuine past connections may seem as though they were only superficial.

 

What recollections do you have of socializing during your childhood? What do your parents have to say about your behaviour as a child?

 

I remember as a kid, everyone seemed to classify me as "shy" and "quiet". I can't deny that my parents (particularly my mom) had a bit of a negative impact on my thinking, growing up. My mom sort of "brainwashed" me to be very fearful and distrusting and generally paranoid of people. Neither of my parents ever had any kind of active social life (nor did they ever even do anything together). As far back as I can remember, neither my mom nor my dad ever had friends or any kind of active social lives, and they never even really leave the house except to go to work or go shopping.

 

As a kid, I never had friends, either. I never went to birthday parties, or sleep overs, or any kind of social gatherings. In high school, I spent the entire four years getting bullied and outcast by all of my classmates.

 

Despite all of that, I don't know that I still actually have those reservations about people now, in my late 20s. I think now, I just feel like I'm so "out of touch" that I simply don't know how to interact with other people properly. I sort of feel like everyone around me is speaking some foreign language, and I just don't "understand". I feel out of place.

 

A few years ago, I thought things were changing. There was a time where I felt like I was hitting it off with some people I knew, and that I was finally building a social circle. But their interest in me seemed to fizzle out extremely quickly, and they drifted away from me.

 

Even more difficult, during that same period, I met a girl that I felt a very strong connection with. We hit it off in so many ways, it was almost scary how well we connected. I even felt like she had taken a particular liking to me. Needless to say, I fell for her very hard. Then I actually asked her out, and she said no. I became very bummed out, which lead to a lot of awkwardness and discomfort, which lead to her basically hating me and wanting nothing to do with me, which lead to me feeling even worse. Honestly, I still think about her to this day, and I feel she was the best possible match for me that I could've ever hoped for, and I only really have eyes for her. Which, of course, is moot, because she's more than moved on with her life, and we haven't been in touch in ages.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

It's really easy to get on with people if you just keep asking them questions about themselves and smile quite a bit and listen to what they say and follow up when they talk by repeating part of it back to them. It makes them feel you are interested and interesting. Yes, it's a bit fakey, but if it's friends you want, you do have to put in some effort and try to get someone to like you and that's how you do it.

 

That won't get it done.

 

I should bring you to a party and see how far you get with that strategy of asking people about themselves and nodding your head. Not far.

 

People want somebody who is interesting and has been places and has done exciting things. Of course, it has to be exciting to THEM.

[lollipopspot]

Do you have any interests?

 

Do you have any desire to do service for people or animals?

 

As an adult, I've made a lot of my friends though doing service/volunteer work, and activism for things that I care about.

[Inflikted]

Do you have any interests?

 

Yeah, but it's difficult to make them seem interesting to other people. If anything, my interests just kind of paint me as a giant nerd, and I find most people don't think particularly highly of that.

 

Do you have any desire to do service for people or animals?

 

As an adult, I've made a lot of my friends though doing service/volunteer work, and activism for things that I care about.

 

I hate to sound like a jerk, but no, I really have no desire to do service like that. I've worked a job in customer service for several years, and it's burnt me out quite a bit on engaging with people in that way. I've encountered so many people who are rude, obnoxious, overly entitled, people who take things out on me that I have no control over, etc., and it just stresses me out too much. I pray that I might some day be able to get a better job, because I don't know how much longer I can stand dealing with people that way. If I didn't need the pay check, I would've quit a long time ago.

[Inflikted]

People want somebody who is interesting and has been places and has done exciting things. Of course, it has to be exciting to THEM.

 

That's what concerns me, because I don't really have a very "interesting" life. But then again, who really does? It's not like the majority of people are constantly doing wild, crazy, adventurous things that make them so fascinating. Most people seem just as mundane as I am, except they have a social life, so they do more activities with friends and significant others.

 

In fact, I listen a lot, and it seems to me that most experiences and anecdotes I hear people share start with "Me and my friends did this" or "Me and my girlfriend/ boyfriend went here and did this". I never hear people with experiences like "I climbed Mt. Everest, then I rescued a bunch of kids out of a burning orphanage!" (obviously those statements are very hyperbolic, but you get my point). But then it becomes a catch-22, because I can't share interesting experiences with friends to other people because I don't have any, but apparently, I can't build a social circle unless I have these experiences to share already.

 

And the thing is, even when something interesting or funny does come up in my life, and I try to share it with people, nobody seems to care that much. I don't know if I'm just bad at telling stories, or if my delivery sucks, or what, but I feel like nobody is ever that interested in the things I have to share. Late last year, for example, when I was doing an internship, something happened there that was really funny, and so I was telling that story to anyone I could tell it to, and said people were just basically like "Oh, yeah, that is kind of funny. So anyway...".

[windows]

I used to be quite antisocial during highschool. Things changed towards the end and during uni though - but what my change from antisocial to social taught me was, communication is a skill you can develop, even artificially.

 

And to be honest - for me, I didn't do many interesting things in my life. I didn't play sport, don't follow sport, am way out of touch with popular music, and I don't enjoy dancing or drinking.

 

But, I learned how to present the 'ordinary' things in my life in an interesting way. I think it's very possible you're bad at telling stories, or coming up with stories. This is something you can work on.

 

Learn comic timing and practice speaking about random subjects in an interesting way. It may jar with your natural personality at first - but over time, as you get better, your personality can and will change as you apply this in real life.

[preraph]

That won't get it done.

 

I should bring you to a party and see how far you get with that strategy of asking people about themselves and nodding your head. Not far.

 

People want somebody who is interesting and has been places and has done exciting things. Of course, it has to be exciting to THEM.

 

As if I've never been to a party....You get a lot farther with people listening and being interested in them than only talking about yourself.

[Inflikted]

But, I learned how to present the 'ordinary' things in my life in an interesting way. I think it's very possible you're bad at telling stories, or coming up with stories. This is something you can work on.

 

Learn and practice speaking about random subjects in an interesting way. It may jar with your natural personality at first - but over time, as you get better, your personality can and will change as you apply this in real life.

 

I suppose I'll give that a look when I have a chance. Though it's discouraging to me that I've already gone this long without being able to learn how to be better at talking and connecting with people as it is. I can't help but wonder how much I can really be helped, in this regard.

 

As if I've never been to a party....You get a lot farther with people listening and being interested in them than only talking about yourself.

 

I've definitely tried many times to be more of a "listener", but I've never gotten anywhere with anyone, as a "listener" any more than I have with any other technique, really.

[Inflikted]

To give another perspective on things, I think one thing I generally have a problem with is actually "liking" people, in general. I don't necessarily mean that I "dislike" people, but when I encounter new people and get a basic idea of what they're like, I generally feel indifferent. I don't hate them, but at the same time, I don't "care" enough to really be interested in talking to them, spending time with them, getting to know them deeper.

 

But again, I've tried many times in the past to work around this, and push myself to make efforts towards people despite this feeling of indifference. And aside from the fact that it still never works anyway, I have to say, I don't really want to surround myself with people that I don't really "like" to begin with. If I'm going to be friends with someone, if I'm going to date a girl (or especially commit to a girl at some point), I don't want it to be with someone that I'm just thinking "Eh... I guess" about.

 

And the question this leaves me with is, am I even capable of having this kind of feeling for someone? I can count the number of people I've actually "liked" on one hand. Over my entire life, there's only been two people I liked enough to want to be friends with, and one girl I liked enough to want to date. And none of those people wanted anything to do with me.

 

I understand that the common answer will probably keep coming back around to therapy and professional help, but I'm not sure even that kind of thing can solve this problem. I don't think there's any kind of cause or reason why I have this problem, I think it's just the way I'm wired, it's just the way I am. And either way, that hurts, a lot.