alwayswondering Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I need help. Dating a wonderful guy for a few months, in love, very happy, everything going great, treats me great, always around, supportive, friendly, sane. The prob, he has a female roomate, supposedly totally platonic, both work in same field, both not home a lot, when he is not working, he is at my place. Supposedly they tried the dating thing years ago, didn't work, decided just always to be close friends. I have never met her. Never home when I am there. Snooped through his cell phone the other night, she had sent him text messages that said "i love you" "i miss you" "hugs to you". He just replied basic everyday chat back to her. I am heartbroken, insecure, jealous, wondering if I am being played a fool and they are really "together" or if she is just one of those "lovey" types of girls. How to I approach without looking like a psycho, demand to meet her? How will I ever know the truth? This is a man I possibly want to marry and I am very happy and in love with and has given me no reason to doubt him, til I found this. We are both 28 and ready for something serious after both being burned many times. Please help.
Barby Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Don't "demand" anything because that will make you look insecure and jealous and untrusting. I would (if I were you) wait until you KNOW she is there and go over. If he never has you over when she is home....well that seems VERY odd to me! If she was telling him she loved him, missed him, ect....well it sounds to me like she feels something more than friendship with him and the fact that they live together... Anyway it could be totally platonic but to be honest I myself wouldn't be "okay" until I met her and found out if in fact she knew he had a GF and then maybe you should stay a few nights at his place with him when she's there......get a feel for their interraction. I guess it could be also that she likes him more than he likes her?!?! But you'll never know until you meet her!
tanbark813 Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 If you don't want to sound confrontational about it, just casually ask if the three of you can hang out sometime. If there's nothing going on then he should have no problem with it. But if he gives you all these excuses why you can't meet her, then I'd say it's what you fear it is.
Author alwayswondering Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 ok, so we talked, he knew about me snooping through the phone, I confessed. I cried and cried. He was mad because I didn't trust him and went behind his back. He was hurt and felt betrayed. Said he had done everythiing in his power to make me feel secure abouthe situation, shy of meeting her, and that roomate is depressed, has no friends and he is a friend to her, nothing more. He said he needs time, basically to figure out if he can trust me since I betrayed him. I have a very hard time trusting others, men or women, because of prior hurts and learning lessons the the hard way. I just didn't want to be stupid about this and become seriously involved with someone without knowing or seeing it for myself, ya know. Now I am freaking and very upset, I don't want him to walk away because of a 30 second mistake I made. Do ya'll think I screwed up royally, that he will never forgive me or that there is a chance this can be salvaged. Opinions please ! Thanks
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Until he agrees to introduce you to this roommate, I wouldn't be to quick to be taking the blame for this. Trust is a two-way street - if he expects you to trust him, then he needs to do something other than be so secretive and defensive when it comes to this "roommate". I fear that this "roommate" may not be under the same impression that you are about it being 'platonic'. Something isn't right with this situation. For someone who is depressed and has no friends, its awfully bothersome that she is never at the apartment when you are. If she has no friends, then who is she with? Have you thought to do any asking around - or maybe contact the roommate yourself?
Author alwayswondering Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 well, she is supposedly at work when she is not there. He and she are both paramedics and work 24 hour shifts, she apparently works a lot of overtime. The house they live in is hers. He moved here from out of town for a change of scenery and he knew her from school and he moved in with her for both of them to save money and all that. Who knows. I give up, lol. I can't contact her myself just because I don't want to go behind his back and do it, especially now, but I completely agree with what you are saying, I am still leery of the situation, that is all there is to it.
rowi1116 Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 ask him to meet her. or call her yourself. really, its to a point, if they work together, and i assume you have meet his other friends, you should have met her- if she is just a friend. previous posts- i agree with. if she is depressed, why is she not at home. if she has few friends, why is she not at home. If they work together, maybe you could swing by his station before he heads out. maybe she will be there. or even if he is not there at the station, just swing by, say you are looking for him, that you are his girlfriend and wanted to suprise him. see what type of reaction you get from the people there. see what girls work there. it is just too strange that you have not met her, that he has not seen the situation from your point of view either. How would he feel if you lived with a guy, who sent you roses and flowers and just said it was just a nice roomate gesture?? dont take the blame for anything. his avoidance of the situation has lead to your looking through his text messages. good luck..
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