Leigh 87 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 ummm..... No guy who really liked or respected you would shamefully ask you for a hand job after meeting you for the first night. First off, if a guy is really into you, he would have been gagging to please you first. He would have tried to pleasure you well before asking for the hand job? In my experience, when the guy in question outright asked you for a hand job after you just meet, they are normally either not high quality men, or they are just not that into you. My bf would never act like that to a woman. He would have offered her his bed and slept on the couch. Sheesh. Honestly, this is a very bad sign. You met once. He wouldn't gave been begging you for hand jobs:sick: it is not classy and it shows he has little respect for you. Next time do not agree to crash on someone's couch or BED, and take a taxi home at all costs!
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Are you not the one who considers things under the clothing to be acceptable ? NOPE, go back to my thread.
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 NOPE, go back to my thread. Well I certainly got the idea from you. Anyway, the lesson from this thread is don't go jump in men's beds for a tease. It would save a whole lot of wounded feelings, and destroyed egoes.
Elle1975 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You didn't ruin it. The guy is after sex, obviously.
WhatIsLove2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 The guy is a jerk and you shouldn't have slept in his bed. Simple as that. 1
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Well I certainly got the idea from you. Anyway, the lesson from this thread is don't go jump in men's beds for a tease. It would save a whole lot of wounded feelings, and destroyed egoes. I 100% agree with if you don't want sex then don't be a tease, keep your clothes on, keep your hand on TOP of clothes, do not lay in bed with him. I disagree with you with he 'respected her'. After a woman has said no any attempt on his part is a disrespect.
Jules Dash Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Typical sexual cat and mouse game of dating. I don't understand all of the controversy here. We've been seeing or hearing about it since we started dating in our teens and this scenario is going nowhere. It will still be played 20,000 years from now on Mars, Jupiter, America, Denmark and a black hole.
Kid_Charlemange Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Next time do not agree to crash on someone's couch or BED, and take a taxi home at all costs! That's the bottom line. Don't sleep over. The way I see it: -They met on a hookup app -They made out -She agreed to sleep in his bed -He made an advance, she said no, he stopped -He made another (admittedly ill-advised) advance the next day, she said no, he got whiny, which kills all attraction I don't see why he'd go out with her again, or she with him. 3
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) I disagree with you with he 'respected her'. After a woman has said no any attempt on his part is a disrespect. A man is perfectly justified to disrespect someone who goes into his bed to say no. It should have been done on the phone. My assessment is that cruelty is involved. It's a bit like showing a puppy a bone and then refuse to let him have it. Edited September 28, 2014 by LoneIsland
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 A man is perfectly justified to disrespect someone who goes into his bed to say no. It should have been done on the phone. My assessment is that cruelty is involved. May I ask how old you are? That disrespect goes up to what? rape? They are both inexperienced. She needs to learn to not tease if she is not ready to play, he needs to learn that no means no. 1
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 May I ask how old you are? That disrespect goes up to what? rape? They are both inexperienced. She needs to learn to not tease if she is not ready to play, he needs to learn that no means no. Stop dramatizing it. There was no rape. The guy showed almost inhuman restraint. I am old enough to win arguments.
jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I don't think you ruined it directly. This guy was clearly only interested in sex if he had enough audacity to ask for a handjob on the first date. However, I do think you put yourself in a bad position by agreeing to stay the night on the first date. That certainly doesn't mean you don't have the right to say no to his advances, but I don't think you should have been surprised by them either. I guess it's better than you found this out on the first date instead of a handful later, though. Don't beat yourself up over it.
BlueIris Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 "ruined it"? Do you want to be with this guy? And if you do, why? Sounds like you dodged a bullet, to me.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 A man is perfectly justified to disrespect someone who goes into his bed to say no. It should have been done on the phone. My assessment is that cruelty is involved. It's a bit like showing a puppy a bone and then refuse to let him have it. I just want it on the record that here, today, in 2014, someone believes that disrespecting someone and their sexual boundaries can be justified. You're welcome. 3
Diezel Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Seriously, there is dual fault here. He offered her a couch, she wanted the bed. This completely sends the wrong signals to him. He offered the couch out of "respect". She should have either have taken the couch or just left, if sex was never an intention. First of all... first date at someone's house COMPLETELY sends the wrong signals, and the OP ADMITS that sex on a first date is common from where she is at. So it's almost expected! So to say that the onus is on either one of them, is faulty. Both of them are to blame. As soon as he gestured for the handjob, her reaction needed to be that of disgust. But no, she stays there and lingers and still wants to text him. He was a "jerk" in a sense, but she allowed that to happen. So people need to stop pointing the finger at either one of them, and start pointing them at BOTH of them.
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) I just want it on the record that here, today, in 2014, someone believes that disrespecting someone and their sexual boundaries can be justified. You're welcome. I am happy to be on the record, and I will add to the record that even in 2014, people have no right to take their sexual boundary and plant it squarely in the middle of someone else's bed. That just plain rude, cruel, and aggressive. Edited September 28, 2014 by LoneIsland
Fondue Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You're sending mixed signals by going over but not having sex. That's the bottom line. Don't go to someone's place unless you're ready to have sex with them.
reliablewolf Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I think this guy is a moron, he clearly would have gotten sex if he just waited until the appropriate time, but he had his mind set on it happening ON THE FIRST DATE and he gave up when it didn't. Sounds like a guy that isn't really interested in getting to know you as a person.
jjtr Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You're sending mixed signals by going over but not having sex. That's the bottom line. Don't go to someone's place unless you're ready to have sex with them. Not sure about this logic. I would say don't stay the night unless you're ready to have sex. 1
Cristo Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You get what you pay for with Tinder. If you're screening people solely on looks, don't be surprised when that good-looking person lacks morals and character. I'm proud to say that even when I was in my casual sex phase, I never begged for a handjob.
Author Janni Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) I've read the discussion my thread has sparked. And I understand what you're saying. I know I was wrong to spend the night, when I knew I didn't want to have sex with him. I understand that. I forgot, that his mind was elsewhere than mine and even though I saw it as harmless, he didn't. I guess I somewhat expected it to go down as it did and then I expected him to accept it, because I thought he was really into me. That doesn't mean he's an ******* for wanting/expecting sex. It was understandable. Another important thing is, that Tinder is not a hookup app in my country. We use it as a regular dating app. I can see he's become active on the app again after our date. So I understand that he's lost interest. I don't blame him. I know I sent some wrong signals, but I was confused afterwards because he did kiss me goodbye and text me the next day. If he hadn't, I would have known he wasn't interested in anything else. Instead, he let me think there was something more and now he hasn't responded all weekend. I honestly didn't see it as a tease, because he invited me to stay. I never wanted to hurt or disappoint him, I just felt bad for kicking him out of his bed, so I said it was okay if he slept in the bed as well. I think I somehow did send the signal of not wanting anything, since I started out by laying down with me back to him, but I can see how it could have been confusing for him. I never meant any harm. I was just naive. I'm very sad about this, because we really clicked and talked great. I also found him very attractive and I could have had sex with him, if I wasn't as insecure as I am regarding sex and guys only wanting sex. Edited September 28, 2014 by Janni
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You can still rescue it. He had 2 rejections. If you have what it takes to undo some of that, he can still be with you.
Author Janni Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 You can still rescue it. He had 2 rejections. If you have what it takes to undo some of that, he can still be with you. What do you mean?
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 What do you mean? You know what he wants. If you give him some of what he wants, he may well find it interesting to want to know more about you.
Cristo Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Another important thing is, that Tinder is not a hookup app in my country. We use it as a regular dating app. I can see he's become active on the app again after our date. So I understand that he's lost interest. Tinder is a site that's completely based on looks, 100%. Thus, it is a hookup site anywhere in the world. Sorry to burst your bubble. 2
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