Janni Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Well, I've been texting this guy since we got a match on Tinder. It's been great. Flirting, cute names and kissing smileys once in a while. Nothing crazy and no heated love. Just flirting/teasing. Then Tuesday we met up for the first time - Really late, because he got off work at 20.00. We talked all night long about everything. He told me he recently overcame his OCD and he also told me (in context) about two girls he hooked up with on separate occasions. I told him about my previous relationship lasting 6 years - and he said I must be a really good girlfriend. We talked about smoking, he told me he'd done weed while in High school, but had stopped. Then he asked how I felt about smokers (cigarets) and I told him my dad smokes and my bff smokes, but I don't think I would date a smoker. He'd previously told me he might smoke at parties, but now he told me he actually smokes four cigarets a day - Morning, lunch, afternoon and evening. Then he said he might try going without a cigaret for a month to see how that is. At one point he also said we'd have to find a day where he's off work earlier, so he can cook me dinner. He later suggested I could sleep on the couch since it was so late and we kind of discussed it. I jokingly said it was rude for him to offer me the couch and we somehow ended up agreeing on sleeping together in the bed if I stayed. I told him about my concerns, the pros and cons. And I ended up staying the night, to take a chance. Instead of always going for the safe choice. I am well aware that it might equal sex in his mind, but when he started coming on to me, I told him I wasn't ready. That I need to know guys a bit better first. He was still very sweet and told me he just couldn't stop kissing me because I was so sweet/cute. That I should tell him if he was irritating me, so I said so when I wasn't ready to go further and he just lay down to sleep. I asked if he was annoyed with me but he told me he wasn't and that I'd told him to stop, so of cause he would stop. He honestly seemed to accept my choice. The next morning he asked for a handjob - Well, he took my hand and said "Shouldn't we do something about this?" moving my hand towards his boner. I politely said no and he kind of begged, like "aww, why not?" but I kept my ground. He seemed a bit more disappointed with this. We stayed in bed a few more minutes before he had to get up for work, so I got dressed and we said goodbye. When I was about to leave he pulled me back and gave me a kiss exclaiming "yay!" - Which is a habit of his, I noticed during the night. If I said something sweet about him or he told me about some accomplishment, he'd always say "yay!" I didn't hear from him the rest of Wednesday but tried to stay calm, remembering he was at work and had plans with a friend afterwards. Then Thursday he texted me. But it was a very short convo - opposed to our convos almost all day long every day. He seemed a bit guarded, but I might be reading too much into it. He just said "hey" and asked what's up. I told him not much and asked how it was a work. Then I told him I was sick and he told me to get better. I thanked him and that was it. I didn't hear from him all day Friday and couldn't come up with anything to text him, so I texted him "Sleep tight, "nickname"" in the evening. Usually he'd respond in some way, calling me beautiful or something else or just adding a kissing smiley. This time he only said "Early! Sleep tight :)" which might again not mean anything. So I decided to text him today saying "Aw, no beautiful? :p" to try and lighten the mood. Get back to our usual light convos. Before the date it wouldn't have been a problem for me to text him like that and we'd just joke around. But now I haven't heard from him. I send that last text yesterday morning.
Conners Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Tinder? Asking for a hand job on the first date? Red flag, RED FLAG! I don't think he's looking for anything serious by the sounds of it. He might of been incredibly sweet to you but given the fact he grabbed your hand and tried to put it on his wood just tells me he was buttering you up for some action. Now he's decreased contact with you because he's annoyed he didn't get some action or can't be bothered anymore.. Have you discussed with him if he was after a relationship or a hook up? I don't use tinder but a lot of guys I know just use it to find a hook up. 6
quidproquo89 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Tinder? Asking for a hand job on the first date? Red flag, RED FLAG! I don't think he's looking for anything serious by the sounds of it. He might of been incredibly sweet to you but given the fact he grabbed your hand and tried to put it on his wood just tells me he was buttering you up for some action. Now he's decreased contact with you because he's annoyed he didn't get some action or can't be bothered anymore.. Have you discussed with him if he was after a relationship or a hook up? I don't use tinder but a lot of guys I know just use it to find a hook up. he may also lie to get a lay... maybe 1
Author Janni Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Tinder? Asking for a hand job on the first date? Red flag, RED FLAG! I don't think he's looking for anything serious by the sounds of it. He might of been incredibly sweet to you but given the fact he grabbed your hand and tried to put it on his wood just tells me he was buttering you up for some action. Now he's decreased contact with you because he's annoyed he didn't get some action or can't be bothered anymore.. Have you discussed with him if he was after a relationship or a hook up? I don't use tinder but a lot of guys I know just use it to find a hook up. I get where you're coming from. One important factor is that I'm not from America. Tinder isn't as much a hook-up app here as in America. Most people use it as a dating app. Also, sex is very casual here and it would be unusual if he hadn't tried anything with me, when I spend the night. That's just our culture. Actually I'm out of place for saying no.
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I get where you're coming from. One important factor is that I'm not from America. Tinder isn't as much a hook-up app here as in America. Most people use it as a dating app. Also, sex is very casual here and it would be unusual if he hadn't tried anything with me, when I spend the night. That's just our culture. Actually I'm out of place for saying no. Whatever your culture is, you are NEVER out of place for saying no to sex with someone you don't want to haves ex with. 3
Author Janni Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Whatever your culture is, you are NEVER out of place for saying no to sex with someone you don't want to haves ex with. I know. Just trying to explain the culture. Sex is very normal on a first date.
Conners Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I get where you're coming from. One important factor is that I'm not from America. Tinder isn't as much a hook-up app here as in America. Most people use it as a dating app. Also, sex is very casual here and it would be unusual if he hadn't tried anything with me, when I spend the night. That's just our culture. Actually I'm out of place for saying no. I'm not in America either.. It's generally the same everywhere. Of course its normal for a young guy to try something but you told him you weren't ready and he proceeded to force your hand towards his genitals. Sounds like a scum bag, don't make excuses for him. 6
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) You were cool (in temperature) to him, so he's cool in return. Sounds about right. Girls always believe the cooler the temperature to the guy, the more interested a guy should be. This is never the case. Just because a guy respects you and not force himself on you doesn't mean he felt no rejection. If this rejection is not undone, I can see this becoming ice cold in no time. I counted 2 rejections so far. I would say a girl is emotionally cruel to deliberately go into a guy's bed as a tease, even though the guy had done his best to avoid that situation by offering the couch. Edited September 28, 2014 by LoneIsland
Author Janni Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 You were cool (in temperature) to him, so he's cool in return. Sounds about right. Girls always believe the cooler the temperature to the guy, the more interested a guy should be. This is never the case. Just because a guy respects you and not force himself on you doesn't mean he felt no rejection. If this rejection is not undone, I can see this becoming ice cold in no time. I counted 2 rejections so far. I would say a girl is emotionally cruel to deliberately go into a guy's bed as a tease, even though the guy had done his best to avoid that situation by offering the couch. I see. And that's what I feared - That he saw it as a rejection. I jokingly told him he should have offered me the bed and then taken the couch himself, so of cause he did that. Then he was like "unless you want to share the bed" and I can see now, that it might have just as much meant "unless you want to hook up." I just didnt see it then.
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Before you met he was super attentive and full of compliments because he was in chase mode. After that night with you, after not getting what he wanted, he gave up the chase which means that is all he wanted. You have to learn that everything that comes out of a man's mouth means nothing. It's what he does that counts. He can compliment you from morning to night, it means n-o-t-h-i-n-g. This guy is a stranger, why believe anything he says. Also, why in the world are you worried to see a gain a man that treated you this way? It's not because a man gives you a little bit of attention and a little bit of compliments that it makes him boyfriend material. You did not ruin anything. HE DID. 4
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 So if you didn't see something, it remains the guy's fault ? I hope the guy finds a better girl than you, a girl who has the intelligence of caring for his feelings, instead of one who's always focused on me, me, me, and more me.
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 So if you didn't see something, it remains the guy's fault ? I hope the guy finds a better girl than you, a girl who has the intelligence of caring for his feelings, instead of one who's always focused on me, me, me, and more me. His feelings? you mean his d!.ck 3
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 So if you didn't see something, it remains the guy's fault ? I hope the guy finds a better girl than you, a girl who has the intelligence of caring for his feelings, instead of one who's always focused on me, me, me, and more me. So you think she should have had sex with him even though she did not want to as they had literally just met? How about her feelings?
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) So you think she should have had sex with him even though she did not want to as they had literally just met? How about her feelings? Strange how women are unable to see the obvious. Was her feelings not respected by the guy ? Not only did the guy suffered rejections, he offered a gift of respect. All for what ? All he's getting in return now is being plastered on the internet as a bad guy when in fact he did not a thing wrong. He may have misinterpreted the intentions, certainly. I am willing to bet he generously paid for the date too. Edited September 28, 2014 by LoneIsland
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Strange how women are unable to see the obvious. Was her feelings not respected by the guy ? Not only did the guy suffered rejections, he offered a gift of respect. All for what ? All he's getting in return now is being plastered on the internet as a bad guy when in fact he did not a thing wrong. He may have misinterpreted the intentions, certainly. I am willing to bet he generously paid for the date too. Again I shall ask you: do you think she should have sex with him even though she did not want to?
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Strange how women are unable to see the obvious. Was her feelings not respected by the guy ? Not only did the guy suffered rejections, he offered a gift of respect. All for what ? All he's getting in return now is being plastered on the internet as a bad guy when in fact he did not a thing wrong. He may have misinterpreted the intentions, certainly. I am willing to bet he generously paid for the date too. This gift of respect ? Well, he took my hand and said "Shouldn't we do something about this?" moving my hand towards his boner. I politely said no and he kind of begged, like "aww, why not?"
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Again I shall ask you: do you think she should have sex with him even though she did not want to? He hadn't and she hadn't. I don't see how that would make him a bad guy.
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 He hadn't and she hadn't. I don't see how that would make him a bad guy. You have still not answered my question.
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 This gift of respect ? Well, he took my hand and said "Shouldn't we do something about this?" moving my hand towards his boner. I politely said no and he kind of begged, like "aww, why not?" Are you not the one who considers things under the clothing to be acceptable ?
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You have still not answered my question. My view as was stated is people shouldn't jump into bed for tease, unless it was announced as a tease. 1
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 My view as was stated is people shouldn't jump into bed for tease, unless it was announced as a tease. She told him she was not ready yet. Or does that count as a yes to you?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 The next morning he asked for a handjob - Well, he took my hand and said "Shouldn't we do something about this?" moving my hand towards his boner. I politely said no and he kind of begged, like "aww, why not?" but I kept my ground. He seemed a bit more disappointed with this. We stayed in bed a few more minutes before he had to get up for work, so I got dressed and we said goodbye. I stopped reading there. Bleh, gross. Why? Because not only have I had guys try to use that exact same line one me before and find it cheesy, it's actually extremely disrespectful. You said you didn't want to hook up, I'm assuming you were clear about not wanting to get sexual, so the fact that he thought it would be okay to overstep your boundaries in the morning is inconsiderate. To be fair though, half of the blame lies on you. You decided to sleep over at his place and then didn't want to sleep on the couch but instead in the bed with him. Why? I'm serious, why did that seem like a good idea to you? Did you blow it? Eh, yeah most likely but I mean, honey, you met on Tinder, what did you expect? 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 My view as was stated is people shouldn't jump into bed for tease, unless it was announced as a tease. I'm sorry but I have to agree with this one. That kind of thing sends all the wrong signals.
LoneIsland Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) She told him she was not ready yet. Or does that count as a yes to you? And he accepted, waited, and checked again later in the next morning to see if she was ready yet. She did not say how long she was not ready yet for. You can't expect the guy to know how long she's not ready yet for when she herself doesn't know. Edited September 28, 2014 by LoneIsland
Stillits Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Honestly... I don't think you should have accepted to share the bed together. I, as a female, would have expected action too when sharing a bed together. Otherwise I would have insisted that I sleep on the couch and he take the bed. I think you confused him and now he doesn't know where he stands anymore. I would be confused and feel rejected too, had the genders in the situation been reversed. I don't necessarily think you can make him a bad guy because your actions said one thing and your words another. 1
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