Relationship Doubts

[believe1991]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now and need some relationship advice.

 

Although I've known him for a few years (he works for my dad), I never really noticed him until I started working with him on my dad's boat this spring. Now, he wasn't really my type but after working 12 hour days together for 48 days straight, we started developing feelings for each other. It took him until mid-June (after we were done working together) to get me to go out with him due to me thinking he wasn't my type but I eventually decided to give him a chance..and for a while, things were great.

 

Around the end of July, I ended up trying to break things off because I was starting to have doubts about the relationship and because I was going to be moving away for school in the fall. I thought that if I was having doubts, it would be better to end it sooner, especially since he was more into me than I was into him.

 

The break didn't end up lasting because I felt like I was making a mistake and he wanted to continue the relationship. After the little break, things were great again. Fast forward to now, and the doubt is back. Since moving, he has visited me twice and both times, I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right which is extremely frustrating because he is such a great guy.

 

He is easily the nicest, most compassionate person I have ever met. He's a complete gentleman and treats me like gold. We also have a strong attraction towards each other, something I haven't really experienced before even though I've dated other guys. Not to mention the fact that he makes me laugh, always gives the greatest advice, supports me 100% in whatever I choose to do (unless it's not logical, then he calls me out on it), and has this uncanny ability to read my mind. The being able to read me is nice because he's way more open about his feelings than I am so this forces me to be more open as well.

 

I'm so frustrated with myself and confused as to why I'm having doubts. I'm also feeling guilty because he's older than me (I'm 23, he's 30) and he's definitely in the "settling down" mind frame whereas I definitely am not. This makes me feel like I'm possibly wasting his time even though he assures me that I'm not.

 

Now, the reasons that I'm finding myself starting to push him away. Like I mentioned before, he's not really my type. He believes that a couple doesn't need to have a lot in common but I'm starting to think that's not true. Lifestyle-wise, we are polar opposites. I love eating healthy and working out; he doesn't. He's a huge stoner, I'm definitely not. Although I don't go all-out on my appearance, I do put in an effort. He wears sweat pants almost every day.

 

His niceness that I love, can actually be a little too much at times (hard to explain). He's also a bit insecure about his appearance and will often point out nice things that he's done even though I've noticed them and SHOWN that I've noticed. The thing is, he tries so hard to please me. Which I appreciate but at the same time, I don't want him to have to change for me. He can also be very demanding when it comes to attention. Example - when I'm trying to do school work, he has trouble giving me space and likes to talk or kiss/hug me.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense. My mind has been in a mess about this for a while now. I'm not sure if I should give us more time to see if things change, or end it right away so that he cant stop spending time (and money) on me. I do love and care about him quite a bit, just not as much as he loves me and I know that a lot of the time, I fail to say the things that he wants to hear which also makes me feel guilty.

 

I'm hoping someone with more relationship experience can give me some advice!

[Dontfindme]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like you're settling for this guy. Don't.

I've learned the hard way that it is very difficult (impossible in my case) to sustain a relationship when you're polar opposites, and have completely different life goals.

 

Those doubts that you're having, that's your gut telling you what you need to do.

[whichwayisup]

you two are in two different places in life and he's been around the block a few more times than you.

 

Listen to your gut, it's screaming to you.

 

This doesn't have to end badly, seems you genuinely love and care about him, and certainly feels the same way. It can end respectfully and with compassion.

 

The timing is wrong and you're so not ready to settle down and live a 'couple' life and start a family.

[believe1991]

Thank you both! I always said I would never settle and that seems to be what I'm doing. It's just hard to leave someone you care about. The first breakup felt awful and I know that when I finally end it, it's going to feel even worse. We've spent so much time together and even apart, we talk all every day. It's weird to think about a life without him there. I guess that's a part of all breakups though.

[loveboid]

I would go no contact. These kinds of guys are hanger ons which is why you're having trouble breaking up--it's him.

[Ronni_W]

We've spent so much time together and even apart, we talk all every day. It's weird to think about a life without him there. I guess that's a part of all breakups though.

It doesn't sound so much like a "break up" as a correcting of your past mistake.

 

You were never really into him in the way that sets a good, solid foundation for a good, solid (seriously and mutually rewarding) romantic relationship. You allowed yourself to sort-of 'settle into' that; got carried away on some 'wave' or momentum of closeness that spending a whole lot of time on a project of mutual passion can induce. It was the mutual passion of the project...not your passion for the person involved in the successful completion of that project.

 

It doesn't mean that you don't also care about the person...only that, once the project is done and dusted, so is the real, true thing that brought you and kept you together. You came together for a specific reason; once you both saw that through, there is little point to trying to pretend, for however long you can continue to pretend, that it is more than it was.

 

It WAS very significant and rewarding. It's okay to leave that in your past and acknowledge the current reality. To try to pretend like there's something more would be unfair on you...and especially on him.

[d0nnivain]

You shouldn't have to talk yourself into staying, especially this early on.

 

At 30 if he's still a huge stoner, you need to anticipate a life time of this with him. If it's not what you want, get out now because he won't change.