Gaeta Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 We have talked MANY times before the date was set. It's not as if we hadn't gotten to know each other, at least from our conversations. CaliGuy, before you meet face to face, the amount of time you speak with someone means nothing!
OwMyEyeball Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 We have talked MANY times before the date was set. It's not as if we hadn't gotten to know each other, at least from our conversations. Ok so by your logic, I need to call the dentist every day between the time the appointment is made up to the day of the appointment and reaffirm? You get my gist? If we're talking every day between when the date was set and the date, I really do not think any woman should need worry if we're going on the date. Her need to reaffirm the date or not even mention the date when we talk in between then get MAD at me because I didn't confirm it -- shades of grey my friend. Hmmm That is bizarre and unsettling. How's your experience been with professionals? Clear and direct communication is vital to that career track.
writergal Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 If you let them know you're running 5 minutes late, that's still reconfirming the date. I agree there's a lot of drama here in so cal. Most people don't keep their word. That eliminates them in my world. No, there's no need to reconfirm - when I say I'm planning to be somewhere I am good with my word. Short of a tragedy I'll make it happen. If I'm running 5 minutes late - I'll let them know - that's common courtesy. The men with drama... Get eliminated quickly - it's their own fault - I expect to have a man add fun to my life not drama! If what he adds isn't pleasing for me - there's no reason to continue, I have my own fun life and am vey happy with or without him!
Ami1uwant Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I'm not saying talk your brains out, I'm saying communicate in some way. Don't drop off the face of the earth. If a guy ever made a date with me and then ceased all communication, I would feel very unsure. I have had this happen numerous times. I made the date then talked to her before the first face to face meeting date and the conversation stalled hurting the date. You want to save standard 1st date and 2nd date type of question for the face to face dates. It's really gets akward if conversation wise you are on date 4 but physically on date 1. If this is the situation then the date needs yo be activity based or something that are conversation starts like going to a museum or a farmers market/street fair
Phoe Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Caliguy, if a girl gets MAD at you, then sure, it's dramatic. But if a girl brings up the date, or asks if it's still on, is that a problem? I could be wrong but I sense that you feel it is. That you feel she should "be more confident" by not asking for confirmation. The thing is, confirming the time isn't lack of confidence, it's being smart about ensuring her time doesn't get wasted by the kinds of men who don't respect her time. 1
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 I agree there's a lot of drama here in so cal. Most people don't keep their word. That eliminates them in my world. No, there's no need to reconfirm - when I say I'm planning to be somewhere I am good with my word. Short of a tragedy I'll make it happen. If I'm running 5 minutes late - I'll let them know - that's common courtesy. The men with drama... Get eliminated quickly - it's their own fault - I expect to have a man add fun to my life not drama! If what he adds isn't pleasing for me - there's no reason to continue, I have my own fun life and am vey happy with or without him! Agreed! Look, trust is earned, I get that. But I think trusting someone comes naturally until they show you otherwise. In other words, if you make plans and don't show up, trust is gone. If you make plans and show up, ok, you can see this person is a man/woman of their word. Trust is hard to earn, very easy to lose. But in the beginning most people start with a foundation of trust. I think dating with distrust right off the bat says to me they really shouldn't be dating anyone....
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I live in Cali and am fairly direct and guess what? In my experience, a fair amount of men don't like it. They are not all black and white. (sure wish I could find a single one my age) I encounter men who are the ones who want to beat around the bush, blur the lines, be evasive, be in control, go on their own time table/schedule/preference/terms/comfort level, etc. etc... Anyways, care to tell us what you asked her about that triggered her grey response?
beach Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 If you let them know you're running 5 minutes late, that's still reconfirming the date. I don't generally run late - usually like to be early as it leaves me room to roam around the area as I wish. It would be highly unusual if I needed to state I'd be late.
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Hmmm That is bizarre and unsettling. How's your experience been with professionals? Clear and direct communication is vital to that career track. I've always been 100% clear in direct in EVERY communication, be it work or dating. There are no "shades of grey" in my life. It is only BLACK or WHITE.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I've always been 100% clear in direct in EVERY communication, be it work or dating. There are no "shades of grey" in my life. It is only BLACK or WHITE. Guess I could have been a bit clearer myself How has you experience been when dating professionals. Their communication to you.
Phoe Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I have had this happen numerous times. I made the date then talked to her before the first face to face meeting date and the conversation stalled hurting the date. You want to save standard 1st date and 2nd date type of question for the face to face dates. It's really gets akward if conversation wise you are on date 4 but physically on date 1. If this is the situation then the date needs yo be activity based or something that are conversation starts like going to a museum or a farmers market/street fair Like I said originally, you don't have to TALK TALK TALK. just communicate like "hey, hope you're having a good day, excited for Saturday, talk to you soon." Boom. Done. Date was confirmed, you communicated with her, and didn't talk excessively. But I must say, if you chat with a girl and then reach date 1 and there's nothing to talk about, it was never gonna work anyway. Same girl, but you didn't talk before the date, now date 2 comes and NOW you have nothing to talk about. It doesn't matter. You were never gonna ever have much to talk about with that person, and it was never ever gonna work, no matter what method of no talking you chose to use. If you think not talking before date 1 will magically make any difference in whether something does or doesn't work, you're sadly mistaken.
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 I live in Cali and am fairly direct and guess what? In my experience, a fair amount of men don't like it. They are not all black and white. (sure wish I could find a single one my age) I encounter men who are the ones who want to beat around the bush, blur the lines, be evasive, be in control, go on their own time table/schedule/preference/terms/comfort level, etc. etc... Anyways, care to tell us what you asked her about that triggered her grey response? I think because she is a divorcee and her husband cheated on her, that is why I am sort of lumped into that "I don't trust any man" category for her. It's sad that people see things that way. I think when you get burned in a relationship you should LEARN and GROW form that, but not put everyone else into the same column. That's just a very myopic way of life and really hurts YOU in the end. Trust me, if I categorized every woman the way the woman that brought me to LS in the first place did, well -- I would just be a hermit and never date, distrusting everyone. I'm a very trusting person -- until you show me otherwise. I'd prefer not to wonder about every single person I meet. I give them a fair chance to shine or flop on their own merit. PS: If you know any black/white ladies like you -- CaliGuy is VERY interested 1
beach Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Agreed! Look, trust is earned, I get that. But I think trusting someone comes naturally until they show you otherwise. In other words, if you make plans and don't show up, trust is gone. If you make plans and show up, ok, you can see this person is a man/woman of their word. Trust is hard to earn, very easy to lose. But in the beginning most people start with a foundation of trust. I think dating with distrust right off the bat says to me they really shouldn't be dating anyone.... I agree. From my experience the past several years - a ton of men my age try to date me - but after a first date I find out they are married!!! So many lie! It's just frustrating when I'm a direct and to the point kind of gal. I'm "soft and mellow" in my delivery/voice - but I'm always clear with my chosen words. When I say "are you married"? And he gives an evasive answer - that does NOT work for me! 1
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I think dating with distrust right off the bat says to me they really shouldn't be dating anyone.... We're a bunch of dating ladies here and we are telling you do not expect a woman to trust you right off the bat. We have explained to you why. STILL you insist that your way is the way. You wonder what is wrong in your way of doing, we point it to you BUT you insist your way is the way. Well good luck dear. You want to hear us ladies or you don't? 1
writergal Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Oh I was just teasing you dear. I have a date tomorrow with a guy who is 44 (I'm 43). When we chatted yesterday he reconfirmed the date. Maybe it's a Midwestern polite thing to do but every date I've ever been on with a guy has either been reconfirmed by him or by me. I do agree that it's good to arrive early to a date too and very considerate to let the guy know you're running late when you're on your way. I don't generally run late - usually like to be early as it leaves me room to roam around the area as I wish. It would be highly unusual if I needed to state I'd be late.
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Guess I could have been a bit clearer myself How has you experience been when dating professionals. Their communication to you. She is a professional and pretty high up in her career (like me).... But read my other note about her being burned by marriage which I feel, at least to some degree, is why I was in the "you're a bad man" category right off the bat.
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I've always been 100% clear in direct in EVERY communication, be it work or dating. There are no "shades of grey" in my life. It is only BLACK or WHITE. Same here and I've found that this only works with men who are the same. Men who are the opposite can't handle it, even the indirect ones who are initially intrigued by it (intrigued because, surprise, they are frustrated by indirectness!) can't handle it because they are so used to the indirectness, which I believed is an engrained preference linked to personality traits. Sometimes the things you love are simultaneously the things you hate.
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 We're a bunch of dating ladies here and we are telling you do not expect a woman to trust you right off the bat. We have explained to you why. STILL you insist that your way is the way. You wonder what is wrong in your way of doing, we point it to you BUT you insist your way is the way. Well good luck dear. You want to hear us ladies or you don't? I'm not foo fooing your answers, missy. I think I have been clear. Make a date on Weds. Talk Thursday and Friday am. Why do I need to confirm the date for Friday night? Do you feel my expectations are unreasonable? Do you feel that her being a divorcee may have something to do with her distrust of me? We're both mature professionals here, not 14 year olds...
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 I agree. From my experience the past several years - a ton of men my age try to date me - but after a first date I find out they are married!!! So many lie! It's just frustrating when I'm a direct and to the point kind of gal. I'm "soft and mellow" in my delivery/voice - but I'm always clear with my chosen words. When I say "are you married"? And he gives an evasive answer - that does NOT work for me! Oh trust me, I've very detailed when I start talking to a potential date. I ask pertinent questions that help me understand who the person is. And I agree. If you're married or separated, CaliGuy has no time for you. 1
venusishername Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 This seems very black and white to me as well. I don't understand where the drama comes in. If I've been talking to someone in advance of the date planned, I would expect to hear the day of to confirm details of time and place. Day before is fine. But there's no need to have daily affirmation that your date is still on. That does seem very needy to me. And I think your generalization about SD is an unfair one
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Same here and I've found that this only works with men who are the same. Men who are the opposite can't handle it, even the indirect ones who are initially intrigued by it (intrigued because, surprise, they are frustrated by indirectness!) can't handle it because they are so used to the indirectness, which I believed is an engrained preference linked to personality traits. Sometimes the things you love are simultaneously the things you hate. The only men I know who fit the "Shades of Grey" profile are "players".... Women who are black and white -- instant attraction for me because I do NOT like playing guessing games.
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I think because she is a divorcee and her husband cheated on her, that is why I am sort of lumped into that "I don't trust any man" category for her. It's sad that people see things that way. I think when you get burned in a relationship you should LEARN and GROW form that, but not put everyone else into the same column. That's just a very myopic way of life and really hurts YOU in the end. Trust me, if I categorized every woman the way the woman that brought me to LS in the first place did, well -- I would just be a hermit and never date, distrusting everyone. I'm a very trusting person -- until you show me otherwise. I'd prefer not to wonder about every single person I meet. I give them a fair chance to shine or flop on their own merit. PS: If you know any black/white ladies like you -- CaliGuy is VERY interested Yeah I know one: Me. And I totally agree that people should not let their past experiences taint the future experiences.
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I'm not foo fooing your answers, missy. I think I have been clear. Make a date on Weds. Talk Thursday and Friday am. Why do I need to confirm the date for Friday night? Do you feel my expectations are unreasonable? Do you feel that her being a divorcee may have something to do with her distrust of me? We're both mature professionals here, not 14 year olds... You have a lot of misconceptions. It's not because someone has a career or a diploma that it makes them an emotionally functional person. The most dysfunctional people I met in my life had Doctorates! Like I said, this time around you may have met a drama queen. You have mentioned a few times she has been burnt by her marriage so to me she is not dating material. Don't date women just out of relationships or still bitter about their last break up, EVEN if they are professionally successful.
Author CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Caliguy, if a girl gets MAD at you, then sure, it's dramatic. But if a girl brings up the date, or asks if it's still on, is that a problem? I could be wrong but I sense that you feel it is. That you feel she should "be more confident" by not asking for confirmation. The thing is, confirming the time isn't lack of confidence, it's being smart about ensuring her time doesn't get wasted by the kinds of men who don't respect her time. I want to point something out. At NO point between the time the date was set, the days after talking and the DAY OF the date did she either ask or infer that she was asking "Are we still on tonight". Look if she had asked me "Are we still set for tonight" BOOM! YES! No problem. But don't dance around the question you haven't asked.... 2
Phoe Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Women who are black and white -- instant attraction for me because I do NOT like playing guessing games. Why is a woman confirming a date "gray". If I ask if we are still on for Friday, how is that drama or a guessing game? I'm asking a direct question, expecting a direct answer. Still on? Cool.
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