CaliGuy dates, but dates smartly :)

[CaliGuy]

So just to update you all on my life in general. Been on LS for what? 9 years now? Not a lot in the last 3 or 4 years. I have been dating a lot and I am finding a common problematic issue with women, regardless of their age, that is keeping me from EVER getting married.

 

Drum roll.....

*DRAMA*

 

What is it about women, especially here in SOCAL, that you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone without some form of doggone drama? I do not understand why women are "shades of grey" in everything they do/say. I'm not a psychologist nor can I peer into a woman's head to figure out what they are trying to say.

 

So I tell them "Most men are black and white, most women are shades of grey. If you want or expect something, ask clearly. Don't leave shades of grey out there to force a guy to 'guess' what you are thinking..."

 

So when a woman who uses "shades of grey" says something unclear but expects a clear answer, drama ensues.

 

CaliGuy has a hard time reading someone else's mind. When I ask direct questions, they dance around a clear answer of what they want/expect.

 

Is this so hard? I do not think I am being unreasonable for a woman to be clear and direct when I ASK them to be clear and direct. Why the guessing games?

 

Anyway, that's my vent for the day. I've coached other women with problems in their relationship to be far more direct and clear with what they want and expect and it's working wonders. When I tell that to women I am dating, it last about a day, then we go back to dancing around the maypole with "What do you want?!"

 

*bonks head on desk*

 

I think I'll get a dog. At least they tend to tell me exactly what they want (Go outside, want to eat, pet me, glad to see you, I ate your shoe, etc).

[Phoe]

I'm in SoCal, and I'm laid back and drama free. I live in a small desert town.

 

My boyfriends own words, he had to literally look behind and under rocks to find me. He's from a slightly larger city

 

Try to find a small town girl

[CaliGuy]

I'm in SoCal, and I'm laid back and drama free. I live in a small desert town.

 

My boyfriends own words, he had to literally look behind and under rocks to find me. He's from a slightly larger city

 

Try to find a small town girl

 

Unfortunately that is impossible in San Diego. Next to LA or OC, I think SD is the "Drama Queen" capital of the world.

 

And drama is what chases me away every single time. Why can't we just hang out, have fun and enjoy each other's company and not make a "Shakespearean" play out of it?

[Gaeta]

A woman peddling around is a woman unsure you're the one.

 

When I am really into a man actions and words are showing it. There is no shades of grey or mixed signals.

[CaliGuy]

A woman peddling around is a woman unsure you're the one.

 

When I am really into a man actions and words are showing it. There is no shades of grey or mixed signals.

 

Normally I would agree with you but it takes all of about one or two dates for the drama to start. It's the same (and yes, I did look within to see if I was doing something wrong) thing every time.

 

Gray in her questions and answers.

I am clear and direct.

 

For example: If I make a date on Wednesday and say "Let's meet X place at 7pm" and we confirm -- why do I need to confirm again on Thursday and Friday? I am a man of my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I make plans, I stick to it. I'm on time. I don't play games.

 

Maybe that's it. I don't know how to play the dating game....

[Phoe]

For example: If I make a date on Wednesday and say "Let's meet X place at 7pm" and we confirm -- why do I need to confirm again on Thursday and Friday? I am a man of my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I make plans, I stick to it. I'm on time. I don't playgames

 

Now wait a second...

 

Let's say you make plans for Saturday, on Wednesday.

 

Does this mean you are planning on not speaking to her or mentioning the meet at all on Thursday or Friday, and that you'll just show up on Saturday?

 

I think any person, man or woman, wouldn't be thrilled with that. Start to wonder, if there's no communication, is this dude even still alive? Are we actually still meeting?

 

If I got asked on a date, and then the guy just dipped out and made no mention of it until that day, I'd consider THAT to be grey area. Very murky and unsure.

 

I don't think it's game playing in the slightest just to check in and confirm that the date is still on and that nothing came up like you getting swallowed into a black hole...

[Gaeta]

Normally I would agree with you but it takes all of about one or two dates for the drama to start. It's the same (and yes, I did look within to see if I was doing something wrong) thing every time.

 

Gray in her questions and answers.

I am clear and direct.

 

For example: If I make a date on Wednesday and say "Let's meet X place at 7pm" and we confirm -- why do I need to confirm again on Thursday and Friday? I am a man of my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I make plans, I stick to it. I'm on time. I don't play games.

 

Maybe that's it. I don't know how to play the dating game....

 

If you only had 1 or 2 dates she does not know yet that you are a man of his word ! Remember she met a dozen of players-losers-jerk-meatballs before she met you. She does not need you to reconfirm on Thursday and Friday, she needs you to touch base with her, that way she knows you are still on, why? because she got stood up x amount of time before you came along.

[CaliGuy]

Now wait a second...

 

Let's say you make plans for Saturday, on Wednesday.

 

Does this mean you are planning on not speaking to her or mentioning the meet at all on Thursday or Friday, and that you'll just show up on Saturday?

 

I think any person, man or woman, wouldn't be thrilled with that. Start to wonder, if there's no communication, is this dude even still alive? Are we actually still meeting?

 

If I got asked on a date, and then the guy just dipped out and made no mention of it until that day, I'd consider THAT to be grey area. Very murky and unsure.

 

I don't think it's game playing in the slightest just to check in and confirm that the date is still on and that nothing came up like you getting swallowed into a black hole...

 

No we talked both days after. I just didn't feel I needed to keep "reaffirming" the date. I think to me that's a bit "needy" in and of itself. I'm also busy as heck with work and life in general.

 

I think if you're confident in yourself and comfortable with who you are you shouldn't need affirmation every single day.... I do it by communicating (not constantly, sheesh, I need to breathe you know!) when I have the time to do so.

 

I know married people that aren't constantly reaffirming plans every single day. It was 2 days between the date set and the date to happen. If it was a week or two I'd understand but not a couple of days.

[CaliGuy]

If you only had 1 or 2 dates she does not know yet that you are a man of his word ! Remember she met a dozen of players-losers-jerk-meatballs before she met you. She does not need you to reconfirm on Thursday and Friday, she needs you to touch base with her, that way she knows you are still on, why? because she got stood up x amount of time before you came along.

 

See my last post. It's not as if we didn't talk at all between the date set and the date to happen.

 

I guess I answered my own question. She is a drama queen and that's a total turn off.

[Gaeta]

I think if you're confident in yourself and comfortable with who you are you shouldn't need affirmation every single day.... I do it by communicating (not constantly, sheesh, I need to breathe you know!) when I have the time to do so.

 

Meh, I am confident, but I came across so much sh.!t, so many fade-aways, so many players, I want a man to be consistent in his approach!

 

 

I know married people that aren't constantly reaffirming plans every single day. It was 2 days between the date set and the date to happen. If it was a week or two I'd understand but not a couple of days.

 

You cannot compare married people to dating people. Married couples have reached a level of trust you don't find in the dating world. When you start dating someone you don't have that blind trust. You wonder is he gonna call back, is he gonna show up, was he sincere, is he playing me blahblah.

[Ami1uwant]

Now wait a second...

 

Let's say you make plans for Saturday, on Wednesday.

 

Does this mean you are planning on not speaking to her or mentioning the meet at all on Thursday or Friday, and that you'll just show up on Saturday?

 

I think any person, man or woman, wouldn't be thrilled with that. Start to wonder, if there's no communication, is this dude even still alive? Are we actually still meeting?

 

If I got asked on a date, and then the guy just dipped out and made no mention of it until that day, I'd consider THAT to be grey area. Very murky and unsure.

 

I don't think it's game playing in the slightest just to check in and confirm that the date is still on and that nothing came up like you getting swallowed into a black hole...

 

 

For a first date you set up on Wednesday for Saturday and you two met online....you do not talk till the date.

 

I've been down this road many times. You need to save stuff to talk about on the date . If no conversation then date sucks.

[OwMyEyeball]

Normally I would agree with you but it takes all of about one or two dates for the drama to start. It's the same (and yes, I did look within to see if I was doing something wrong) thing every time.

 

Gray in her questions and answers.

I am clear and direct.

 

For example: If I make a date on Wednesday and say "Let's meet X place at 7pm" and we confirm -- why do I need to confirm again on Thursday and Friday? I am a man of my word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I make plans, I stick to it. I'm on time. I don't play games.

 

Maybe that's it. I don't know how to play the dating game....

How can you expect anyone to develop trust so soon as to believe anyone who says "I am a man of my word"? Trust is earned. She has very little basis on which to trust your word.

 

There are no shades of gray there. Every dentist and doctor I've been to has the same confirmation requirement for their patients. They don't know me or my habits, but they do know that their time is valuable and requiring confirmation (and sending appointment reminders) reduces their risk of having it wasted.

 

There's no "gray" in that type of behaviour. It's actually quite rational.

[Gaeta]

If you do everything we said then you indeed met a drama queen.

[CaliGuy]

Meh, I am confident, but I came across so much sh.!t, so many fade-aways, so many players, I want a man to be consistent in his approach!

 

You cannot compare married people to dating people. Married couples have reached a level of trust you don't find in the dating world. When you start dating someone you don't have that blind trust. You wonder is he gonna call back, is he gonna show up, was he sincere, is he playing me blahblah.

 

Agreed but I am going to add this. I am older, more mature. I'm not some 20-something who is confused about himself and life in general. I'm in the prime of my life and I'm very confident in myself and who/what I am. There's no game playing with me. I am what I am (Sorry Popeye!).

 

If I make plans, I follow through. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If women would just RELAX, have fun and enjoy each others company without a scent of drama, I'm sure the dating would go past one or two dates.

[Phoe]

Ok, if you're still at least communicating during that time, that's good. It sounded like you dropped off the face of the earth at first, haha.

 

Well, I suppose it depends on how the confirmation is set. I've never had a man not reconfirmed in some way, or even ask me directly if we were still on. At the least, it doesn't hurt to say something like "looking forward to Saturday, talk to you later." When finishing up a convo or something, you know?

[Phoe]

For a first date you set up on Wednesday for Saturday and you two met online....you do not talk till the date.

 

I've been down this road many times. You need to save stuff to talk about on the date . If no conversation then date sucks.

 

I'm not saying talk your brains out, I'm saying communicate in some way. Don't drop off the face of the earth.

 

If a guy ever made a date with me and then ceased all communication, I would feel very unsure.

[Gaeta]

For a first date you set up on Wednesday for Saturday and you two met online....you do not talk till the date.

 

I've been down this road many times. You need to save stuff to talk about on the date . If no conversation then date sucks.

 

Let me guess you are a man?

 

If on a Wednesday you set up a date with me for the following Saturday and I don't hear from you the rest of the week, Saturday will come around and I will have replaced you with someone else.

 

You are not gonna run out of things to say by touching base on regular basis.

[writergal]

I don't think "drama" is gender specific or specific to a city, state, or country. What does "drama" mean to you? When guys use that term in their OLD profiles, I avoid them like the plague.

 

Life is full of drama. If you don't want any drama, date a robot. Plus, Shakespeare is totally awesome! To thine own self be true! Remember, "all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven stages."

 

I do think CaliGuy, that you have certain criteria or standards that most of the women you've met, just don't (or can't, or won't) meet. It's ok to be picky. But to expect too much too soon, will only bring you disappointment.

 

I see nothing wrong with reconfirming a date before you go on one. In fact, I think it's necessary because sometimes things come up at the last minute, and dates either get cancelled permanently or rescheduled (if the interest is still there to meet).

 

You may be a man of your word and don't play games, CaliGuy, but that doesn't necessarily mean the woman you've met once or twice already knows this about you, because you're both still complete strangers to each other.

 

Try not to expect too much too soon and you won't be as disappointed or frustrated. It really does take time to get to know someone. Patience, grasshopper. Wax on, wax off. Ohm.

[CaliGuy]

How can you expect anyone to develop trust so soon as to believe anyone who says "I am a man of my word"? Trust is earned. She has very little basis on which to trust your word.

 

We have talked MANY times before the date was set. It's not as if we hadn't gotten to know each other, at least from our conversations.

 

There are no shades of gray there. Every dentist and doctor I've been to has the same confirmation requirement for their patients. They don't know me or my habits, but they do know that their time is valuable and requiring confirmation (and sending appointment reminders) reduces their risk of having it wasted.

 

There's no "gray" in that type of behaviour. It's actually quite rational.

 

Ok so by your logic, I need to call the dentist every day between the time the appointment is made up to the day of the appointment and reaffirm?

 

You get my gist?

 

If we're talking every day between when the date was set and the date, I really do not think any woman should need worry if we're going on the date.

 

Her need to reaffirm the date or not even mention the date when we talk in between then get MAD at me because I didn't confirm it -- shades of grey my friend.

[Gaeta]

Agreed but I am going to add this. I am older, more mature. I'm not some 20-something who is confused about himself and life in general. I'm in the prime of my life and I'm very confident in myself and who/what I am. There's no game playing with me. I am what I am (Sorry Popeye!).

 

If I make plans, I follow through. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If women would just RELAX, have fun and enjoy each others company without a scent of drama, I'm sure the dating would go past one or two dates.

 

And I am no chicken spring either. I am telling you again. How a complete stranger is suppose to know you are a man of his word? She does NOT know you will show up, and it has nothing to do with being 20 or 50. I am 48, the biggest game players I came across were my age! I have less problems with younger men imagine!

[Phoe]

If I make plans, I follow through. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If women would just RELAX, have fun and enjoy each others company without a scent of drama, I'm sure the dating would go past one or two dates.

 

I've never had this happen, but women do get stood up. There is no way for them to know you mean what you say. Jimbob she last dated might've said the exact same thing, then flaked on her.

 

No one, man or woman, blindly trusts everything everyone ever says to them. To do so would be incredibly foolish.

[beach]

I agree there's a lot of drama here in so cal. Most people don't keep their word. That eliminates them in my world.

 

No, there's no need to reconfirm - when I say I'm planning to be somewhere I am good with my word. Short of a tragedy I'll make it happen. If I'm running 5 minutes late - I'll let them know - that's common courtesy.

 

The men with drama... Get eliminated quickly - it's their own fault - I expect to have a man add fun to my life not drama!

 

If what he adds isn't pleasing for me - there's no reason to continue, I have my own fun life and am vey happy with or without him!

[writergal]

You win Jeopardy, or Wheel of Fortune, or something for your post, Ow because it's so spot on. I totally agree with you. You can't expect someone you've been on a few dates with to develop trust in you. Trust has to be earned. And confirming dates beforehand is normal. Everyone does it for appointments and for dates. It's par for the course.

 

How can you expect anyone to develop trust so soon as to believe anyone who says "I am a man of my word"? Trust is earned. She has very little basis on which to trust your word.

 

There are no shades of gray there. Every dentist and doctor I've been to has the same confirmation requirement for their patients. They don't know me or my habits, but they do know that their time is valuable and requiring confirmation (and sending appointment reminders) reduces their risk of having it wasted.

 

There's no "gray" in that type of behaviour. It's actually quite rational.

[CaliGuy]

I don't think "drama" is gender specific or specific to a city, state, or country. What does "drama" mean to you? When guys use that term in their OLD profiles, I avoid them like the plague.

 

Life is full of drama. If you don't want any drama, date a robot. Plus, Shakespeare is totally awesome! To thine own self be true! Remember, "all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven stages."

 

I do think CaliGuy, that you have certain criteria or standards that most of the women you've met, just don't (or can't, or won't) meet. It's ok to be picky. But to expect too much too soon, will only bring you disappointment.

 

I see nothing wrong with reconfirming a date before you go on one. In fact, I think it's necessary because sometimes things come up at the last minute, and dates either get cancelled permanently or rescheduled (if the interest is still there to meet).

 

You may be a man of your word and don't play games, CaliGuy, but that doesn't necessarily mean the woman you've met once or twice already knows this about you, because you're both still complete strangers to each other.

 

Try not to expect too much too soon and you won't be as disappointed or frustrated. It really does take time to get to know someone. Patience, grasshopper. Wax on, wax off. Ohm.

 

I love your response I think you are right. I *DO* have a certain set of standards and expectations when dating.

 

I expect them to be kind, polite, funny and SECURE in who they are. I do not expect "dating games" or "shades of grey" or needless drama. We don't know each other, it's a little soon to start arguing over "You didn't confirm the date!" Uhhh duh, we've been talking all week. If I wasn't going to make the date, I'd tell you.

 

I think when you're a mature person, the old dating game crap should be tossed out the window. Act like an adult (because I do and I expect them to). I understand plans can change. But constant affirmation of a date every time we talk is just too "junior high" for me. Hell, I don't need that kind of affirmation.

 

If we talk throughout the week and she doesn't show up to the date, well -- she's OUT

[writergal]

Bingo ladies you nailed it!! Agree 100% with you!

 

And I am no chicken spring either. I am telling you again. How a complete stranger is suppose to know you are a man of his word? She does NOT know you will show up, and it has nothing to do with being 20 or 50. I am 48, the biggest game players I came across were my age! I have less problems with younger men imagine!

 

I've never had this happen, but women do get stood up. There is no way for them to know you mean what you say. Jimbob she last dated might've said the exact same thing, then flaked on her.

 

No one, man or woman, blindly trusts everything everyone ever says to them. To do so would be incredibly foolish.