How to not worry about him changing his mind when he is so far away?

[babsr]

It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him, and it will be another 11 weeks until I see him at Christmas (Although I booked my tickets!!). We were dating for about 1 year before he left for work.

 

He is in Australia and I am in New York and recently I have been doing better now that I am busy in school and work. But I still am so scared that he is going to wake up one day and no longer want to continue LDR. We have been talking a lot recently - I call him most days when I wake up and he calls me on days off from work. We don't really text a lot - he has never really been into texting. He has told me that he is sad a lot, and that is the main reasons why at first he was hesitant to do LDR. And that makes me scared that he is going to say it is too hard. But other than this, there is nothing really that he has said or done to suggest he doesn't want to keep LDR.

 

I have not told him this yet, but there is a chance I could go on exchange in August for about 5-6 months. I have not told him yet because. He often gets very stressed thinking about anything in relation to the future. And LDR is hard enough I don't want to stress him out more. Like when I suggested coming to visit him in December he at first got stressed about it, but then he got really excited and is paying for half my ticket. But at the same time, I feel like if he starts to think of LDR as temporary, than this may make it easier. Part of me just wants to wait until I see him in December to bring it up.

 

I don't know, I just get worried about everything and I don't know how to turn it off and focus a lot of the time.

 

Any suggestions? Or advice? Thanks in advance LS!

[justwhoiam]

See how it goes in December.

A LDR is supposed to be temporary, as the goal for everyone in one would be living together, getting married, close the gap, etc.

The relationship itself shouldn't be temporary. At least, it'd be hard to be in a relationship with an expiry date on it. But really, if you think of it, anyone is free to want out a relationship, whenever (in most countries). So that could happen even if he lived next door. I guess your fears come from the scarce communication and its poor quality. A LDR requires patience and devotion. I think it's normal thinking of giving up. You will talk about that in depth when you'll be with him in December.

[babsr]

See how it goes in December.

A LDR is supposed to be temporary, as the goal for everyone in one would be living together, getting married, close the gap, etc.

The relationship itself shouldn't be temporary. At least, it'd be hard to be in a relationship with an expiry date on it. But really, if you think of it, anyone is free to want out a relationship, whenever (in most countries). So that could happen even if he lived next door. I guess your fears come from the scarce communication and its poor quality. A LDR requires patience and devotion. I think it's normal thinking of giving up. You will talk about that in depth when you'll be with him in December.

 

The relationship isn't temporary, but the distance should be. I agree that the fear definitely sets in when our schedules haven't matched up and we haven't been able to talk for more than a few minutes in a couple days. I am definitely devoted, and I know it will be worth it. It is just so hard!

 

Thank you for your input. You are probably right that I should wait until December.

[cerridwen]

I also vote to wait until December.

 

You're going to drive yourself mad with worry, babsr, if you don't become more philosophical about the situation.

Understandably, you want to control the uncontrollable so you can have certainty and security.

But as Justwhoiam pointed out, any relationship can end tomorrow.

 

LDRs are often more fragile because of logistical obstacles, so going in, one needs to have the ability to hold the relationship lovingly, but lightly; don't grasp in a panic and strangle it.

 

What do you do for stress reduction?

[babsr]

I think you are both right. It definitely isn't helping that his new work hours limit our ability to talk to only a couple times a week. And I think feelings of panic and being scared definitely come up when we dont get the chance to talk.

 

Usually I exercise as a stress reliever. But being so busy with school im not able to do it as much as I would like.

 

Maybe when I talk to him in a couple days I should tell him what I'm feeling and we can figure out a way to make me feel better about this.

 

And you two are probably right, i should just wait until December.

[cerridwen]

I think you are both right. It definitely isn't helping that his new work hours limit our ability to talk to only a couple times a week. And I think feelings of panic and being scared definitely come up when we dont get the chance to talk.

 

Usually I exercise as a stress reliever. But being so busy with school im not able to do it as much as I would like.

 

Maybe when I talk to him in a couple days I should tell him what I'm feeling and we can figure out a way to make me feel better about this.

 

And you two are probably right, i should just wait until December.

 

Try to squeeze in 30 minutes of exercise?

An additional bonus will be looking extra fab when you see him in December.

 

What WOULD make you feel better?

You mention talking to him about your worry.

The time zones and work restraints are a reality.

Beyond those, what do you envision helping?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well if you worry too much, you may not see all the good he shows while you are both waiting.

 

I understand what you go through, but i'm the guy doing his part for the woman. She too worries. I just keep allowing my thoughts to reafirm her what i think of her and all, as it is the least i can do.

 

 

at times she wonders why i want her over younger women, and yada yada yada... this is all in hidden meanings she shares while jesting. Either i don't look for them and hope she recovers, or nip them in the bud.

 

 

believe in what you got, it can be done... after 3 years of not able to see each other, she finally believes things are comfy perfect, in that i have no other interests and will wait another 3 plus years.

[d0nnivain]

He could change his mind even if you were living together. The distance alone won't solely cause a break up.

 

Be strong not clingy. Be positive & supportive. Keep the lines of communication open. It's OK to tell him you miss him. It's not OK to accuse, badger or blame.

[babsr]

I know he could change his mind if he was living next door. But relationships in general can be hard, so its just extra worrying being in an LDR. But cerridwen is right that I need to stop panicking - especially since he hasn't given me much indication that there is anything to panic about. I talked to him again and I think now that he is settled he is feeling a lot better about things, so that eases my mind.

 

I guess I just struggle with getting panics about the relationship (which never really happened to me when we were in the same place). I think it also has to do with the fact that if i do move to be closer, I'll be giving up a lot career-wise, so there is really so much to think about. I really do wanna wait til December when I'm with him to talk about it, because it would be nice to see where he stands. It's just a lot to deal with when I'm already stressed about my job and school.

 

And cerridwen, i think just more discussion of how he is doing and any indication that he wants to start planning a way to move to the same city would ease my nerves...