BluEyeL Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I agree with much of this. But let me be clear - I am NOT pushy. I've said ILY to him about 4 times. In a month. 4 times. Well, good. Stop saying it and forget about it. let him say it when he feels like it. Could be 1 year. 1
Tayken Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 This makes me laugh - I know you are outside the situation, but mostly I've had to dictate the pace, yes, but I'm the one slowing it down. I didn't think it was appropriate to meet his family after 3 months, but he really wanted to. I'm not comfortable with him leaving his things here all the time. I'm finding it difficult to find time AWAY from him to nourish my relationships with my other friends. And in those 120 days we've had sex about 240 times, so we're not exactly strangers. I know it's soon, but we've moved fast since the 4th date. I probably ought to be slowing it down rather than speeding it up with ILYs. Just not really sure how to do that at this point. I suppose you better take what you can get now, cos it goes down hill from there. Hopefully this "240 times" didn't involve the same traditional missionary and sandwich positions????
Keenly Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I can't say I blame you though. I've been alone for a long time, and I'd be really anxious to feel the love and acceptance that I have felt in the past, so I can't fault you for your feelings. 1
lamaga Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Well, good. Stop saying it and forget about it. let him say it when he feels like it. Could be 1 year. I don't think she needs to wait a year. This guy seems very much into her. But 4 months is still so early. And definitely too early to wonder if he will 'ever say it' or if 'something's wrong with him because he doesn't say it'… NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HIM:) He's doing everything right. There is no reason to worry. Let him be.
Tayken Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Lol - sorry to be so defensive. Maybe I am pushy, since being called pushy evokes such a strong reaction in me. You do come across as "pushy" though Ginger-Whinger . LOL 1
LoneIsland Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Personally I think it's perfectly fine to say it if you genuinely mean it. The fact that it has an emotional impact on him suggests it is just as important for him.
Author waiting4u Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Personally I think it's perfectly fine to say it if you genuinely mean it. The fact that it has an emotional impact on him suggests it is just as important for him. Awwww:bunny:
mightycpa Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Wow. Am I the only who clearly sees that what it means is that a) he doesn't love you back but b) he sincerely likes you which is the only reason he hasn't discarded you already Any person can tell you that when you hear "ILY" but you don't love that person back, that's when it gets uncomfortable. You keep on saying it, and it won't be long before you're yesterday's news. He doesn't know how to say Matilda, I really like you, but I'm not in love with you. I really like you, and I'm willing to see where this goes, but I dont feel it yet. I don't know what to tell you, except the truth.because he's afraid he's going to hurt your feelings, and you're going to leave. He doesn't want that yet either. He's in no-man's land right now.
ComingInHot Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 When he says it. He will mean it. It will mean even more to you as well* 2
FitChick Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 How does he interact with his mother? Does she say "I love you" to him and he to her? Are they affectionate? If not, there is your answer. Would you prefer to have a guy who spouts it at the drop of a hat but treats you like crap? That happens more often and too many women hang onto the words instead of looking at the actions. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 4 months would be too soon for me, too. (I'm a woman, though) I've said it to other boyfriends in the past, and they're not words I take lightly. I'm not suggesting you don't mean it when you say it, but that is quite a weighty phrase for many people. Some of us simply need more time to develop those feelings and also to feel secure enough to share that sentiment. I think he's showing you through his actions that he cares a lot about you. He might even be falling in love with you. But please let him say this when he's comfortable. I have been in his position in which a boyfriend said it before I was ready to reciprocate, and he too tried to get me to say it in other ways. It was awkward and I felt pressured. No more ice cream jokes. When he does say it, you'll know it's because he wanted to and not because you wanted him to.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) This was a problem in my last relationship, among other related problems. It took him a long time to say I love you, and then he rarely said it, and this made me very sad. Many people told me "actions speak louder than words" - but the fact is that both are important. Both matter. Strong, real love doesn't take 4 months+ to arise. It's reasonable to want an expression of love after 4 months. One of the strongest emotional needs we all have is to be loved, and women especially need to hear the words to feel secure with that guy. Even down to simple biology, it's foolish for a woman to continue to love and have sex with a man who has not expressed love for her. Love = devotion = security. Absence of love or unexpressed/silent love = questionable devotion = insecurity. If I were you, I'd totally stop the one-sided expressions of love, and see if it works for you to wait for his expression of love. My ex's limited expressions of love eventually interfered with sex, too, because I couldn't enjoy having sex with a man with whom I did not feel loved. Edited September 28, 2014 by Ruby Slippers
Elle1975 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I don't think there is any magical timeline to say I love you. Although I'd be pretty freaked out if I heard that after two weeks. At four months, I'd expect to hear it. It's plenty of time to know someone, however some people, men or women, need more time. As long as you don't have any red flags, I wouldn't worry about it yet.
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 How does he interact with his mother? Does she say "I love you" to him and he to her? Are they affectionate? If not, there is your answer. Maybe for some men but not for all. My husband and his mother do not have a close relationship however when we started dating, whilst it took him a bit longer than me to say ILY (and we are talking 2/3 weeks) when he did say it he had no problem.
gaius Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 God I love when a woman is damaged enough to not want me to say it to her. My mother used to only say it to me when she wanted to manipulate me into something, never really meant it. So I have a very dirty association with it.
Diezel Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Wait... this thread has taken a dramatic shift of tone with the additional information given. All of his actions speak to one thing, but you are worried about the one thing he hasn't said? You met his parents. He's still around. You said it FOUR times and he's still around. I know men that would bolt halfway through the "L" word. You're massively overthinking this and you need to let it time to develop for him.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 The reality is these guys eventually come to terms with saying I love you simply because of the pressure and the relationship pace dictated by the woman, as many women simply want to move onto the next stage of the process as soon as possible, they just give the illusion that they're being patient and thinking about it but in reality can't wait to move forward..so it's a sand in an hour glass effect where the man will be obligated to reciprocate within a certain amount of time after the cycle was initiated in order to sustain the relationship and essentially not lose you or cause drama. Even if it seem like the guy started it all, he just did that to swoon you, it's not the same thing...it's incomparable to your feelings and perception as a woman. In short, these men love you or care about you to an extent but definitely aren't in love with you. But many women confuse love for the infatuation stage for men, but it's not deeply emotional for these men as it may appear to be, they don't really want to move things along, they will back off when it comes down to making it "real"or simply move forward out of obligation or fear, even guilt....it's not because these guys show it in actions and aren't good with words or it carries more weight necessarily at all or simply need to come around, that's just a convenient excuse that I hear women say for these men...kind of like a guy saying he just hasn't met the right girl yet. These guys aren't saying it to you right away because they don't feel the same way you do, but you can word it or justify that however you want...these men are not confused and don't need more time to figure out how they feel. If you think the guy just needs time and doesn't take it lightly or whatever...the jokes on you IMO. 1
veggirl Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 The reality is these guys eventually come to terms with saying I love you simply because of the pressure and the relationship pace dictated by the woman, as many women simply want to move onto the next stage of the process as soon as possible, they just give the illusion that they're being patient and thinking about it but in reality can't wait to move forward..so it's a sand in an hour glass effect where the man will be obligated to reciprocate within a certain amount of time after the cycle was initiated in order to sustain the relationship and essentially not lose you or cause drama. Even if it seem like the guy started it all, he just did that to swoon you, it's not the same thing...it's incomparable to your feelings and perception as a woman. In short, these men love you or care about you to an extent but definitely aren't in love with you. But many women confuse love for the infatuation stage for men, but it's not deeply emotional for these men as it may appear to be, they don't really want to move things along, they will back off when it comes down to making it "real"or simply move forward out of obligation or fear, even guilt....it's not because these guys show it in actions and aren't good with words or it carries more weight necessarily at all or simply need to come around, that's just a convenient excuse that I hear women say for these men...kind of like a guy saying he just hasn't met the right girl yet. These guys aren't saying it to you right away because they don't feel the same way you do, but you can word it or justify that however you want...these men are not confused and don't need more time to figure out how they feel. If you think the guy just needs time and doesn't take it lightly or whatever...the jokes on you IMO. Who are "these men" that you are referring to? Men who don't say ILY within a 4 month period?
Tayken Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Maybe for some men but not for all. My husband and his mother do not have a close relationship however when we started dating, whilst it took him a bit longer than me to say ILY (and we are talking 2/3 weeks) when he did say it he had no problem. Really.... by 2nd or 3rd date someone said this? Hmmm
Sunfire73 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I told my boyfriend I love him first at 8 months in. He didn't say it back but he acknowledged it and told me I made him feel important saying that. I was glad to say it since i was sincere in how and couldn't hide it anymore but a little upset he didn't say it back. But I stopped saying it. After 2 weeks he bought champagne to celebrate and told me he loves me too. It was important for him to mean it before he say it and at that time he was sure of his feelings for me.
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