He won't say "I love you"

[waiting4u]

Sorry this is so long. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for four months now. I’m four years older than him and have been divorced for six years. He’s never been married. From the beginning, there’s been amazing chemistry and it’s just seemed like we really belonged together. And he’s taken a lot of steps over the last few months that make it seem like he’s serious about me. He wanted to meet my children right away and, although it’s soon, I went ahead and let him after three months.

 

Everything just seems so perfect between us. I mean, we argue sometimes like normal couples, but we are generally very happy. He’s kind, loving and considerate. He wants to spend every night together. He calls and texts throughout the day. He’s leaves a lot of things at my house (including his two dogs sometimes). He’s generous - he gave a laptop to my teenage daughter (it was one he never used) and often gives her money to babysit her little sister when we go out. He took me to a wedding last month and I met his entire family. Last weekend he took me to the seaside. It goes on and on. Sometimes I have to set boundaries with him because he wants to always be with me.

 

I’m in love with him – in fact, I knew it almost straightaway (I know that sounds weird, but it’s true). Last month I told him I loved him and he smiled and kissed me but didn’t answer. His actions say he loves me and I know he doesn’t really like to talk about emotions much, although he often says “I’m crazy about you” and that sort of thing. I even tried to give him a way of telling me without saying it – like “How about I say I love you and you say you love ice cream.” We’ve had a few fun jokes about ice cream since then, but he doesn’t really even say the ice cream thing.

 

I don't say it much because I know he's uncomfortable about it. However, this morning we made love and afterwards I said “I love you” and he sort of sighed. What does this mean? Is he just using me? Is he ever going to say it? I’ve heard some men never do. Does he really not love me? Is it possible that a man would put this much time and energy into a woman he doesn’t love? The whole thing is making me really insecure.

[LoneIsland]

Maybe his circumstance doesn't allow him to commit, and he doesn't want to lead you on.

[CarrieT]

You need to point-blank ASK HIM what those three little words mean to him, if he has ever said them to someone else, and what your relationship means.

 

Also, I disagree with your statement, "I mean, we argue sometimes like normal couples." Not all couples argue and a depth or level of an argument can be telling.

 

If you want this relationship to continue, I believe it is important to be able to start communicating openly and honestly and desires, expectations, and needs. If your needs are not being met, you need to be able to vocalize that in a discussion that doesn't involve yelling, whining, or pleading.

[waiting4u]

We argue like adults (no yelling, whining, pleading, or name-calling) and usually it's to clarify some communication issue. Our arguments have brought us closer together in many ways - they help us to understand each other better. And we don't argue so often that our relationship is an unhappy one. Our disagreements are usually quite easily resolved.

 

@LoneIsland - what circumstances might those be?

[reliablewolf]

communication is key - ask him about this issue straight up and see what he says, you may be shocked by his response. I've seen situations where women ask and the guy admits that he doesn't really have strong feelings. I'm not saying he is this way, but you won't know until you ask and have a serious discussion about this.

 

There's a difference between not saying I love You at all, and saying it once in a while. In my last relationship, I didn't want to say it as much as my ex did, but that wasn't because I didn't love her - I just felt she over-did it a bit and I'd rather show love through actions. Still, I said it once in a while. Talk to him.

[waiting4u]

communication is key - ask him about this issue straight up and see what he says, you may be shocked by his response. I've seen situations where women ask and the guy admits that he doesn't really have strong feelings. I'm not saying he is this way, but you won't know until you ask and have a serious discussion about this.

 

There's a difference between not saying I love You at all, and saying it once in a while. In my last relationship, I didn't want to say it as much as my ex did, but that wasn't because I didn't love her - I just felt she over-did it a bit and I'd rather show love through actions. Still, I said it once in a while. Talk to him.

 

Would he really put all this effort into being with me if he wasn't serious? God, that's horrifying.

[Tayken]

@OP.....Have you said the same to him, or do you think it's your God given right for him to say it to you? Just curious

[reliablewolf]

Would he really put all this effort into being with me if he wasn't serious? God, that's horrifying.

 

No, he probably has strong feelings for you - but for some guys using the word "love" is on a whole different level. You just have to ask him why he won't say it back. One time my ex caught me doing this and she immediately said "you're supposed to say it back you know?".

 

Its a tough situation, but the guy seems like he's very good for you other than this small issue and I wouldn't get too upset about it. It will likely work itself out. I've seen this problem a thousand times and more often than not, it usually ends with the person eventually admitting that they are in love and they end up saying it with no problems.

[GemmaUK]

@OP.....Have you said the same to him, or do you think it's your God given right for him to say it to you? Just curious

 

She has said it to him.

[LoneIsland]

@LoneIsland - what circumstances might those be?

 

Donno. Maybe he's in an arranged-marriage to someone else, or maybe he discovered he's really gay, or he plans to go join the french foreign legion ? Just wild stabs in the dark. Only he can tell you what the problem is.

[GemmaUK]

I think his sigh was his'she wants me to say it'.

 

Four months is pretty quick for ILYs.

 

For all you know he has said ILY and then an ex may have comeback with 'you love me so propose to me'. In which case you could see why he wouldn't want to say it.

 

Just ask him why he finds it an un-sayable phrase.

I suspect your mind will be just put at rest if you do.

[Diezel]

In four months I would never, ever, NEVAR, EVAR say "I love you".

 

You barely know a person until past the first six months.

 

The problem is you are saying it and expecting an answer instead of just saying it. So, are you REALLY saying it... or just being emotionally manipulative... because the ice cream thing is a little too much. That's practically desperation.

[waiting4u]

In four months I would never, ever, NEVAR, EVAR say "I love you".

 

You barely know a person until past the first six months.

 

The problem is you are saying it and expecting an answer instead of just saying it. So, are you REALLY saying it... or just being emotionally manipulative... because the ice cream thing is a little too much. That's practically desperation.

 

Hmmm - thanks. I thought it was cute. And judging from all the giggling we've done about it, it WAS cute.

 

Never thought of myself as desperate. I'll have to reevaluate forthwith.

[Tayken]

She has said it to him.

 

 

Says she, but he is NOT here to defend himself. He is probably still busy getting over the NO/YES Scottish vote?

[Diezel]

Trust me, he knows exactly what you are doing (I hope). It just sounds like you are trying to train him to say it. He'll say it when he is ready.

 

My sister's fiancee took a year and a half to say it. But she knew he felt it. Sometimes we place so much emphasis on words that we forget the actions that would spawn those words.

[waiting4u]

I understand 4 months is soon. Thing is, I've dated casually for the past couple years and this is the first real connection I've had in a long while. And when I first said it, no, I didn't say it so I could hear it back - even said it as I was leaving so I could just drop the bomb and take off lol. After a while though, it starts to wear on you when you want to know their feelings for you and they are never explicitly stated (outside of "i'm crazy about you").

 

I don't want a man I can "train." Gheesh.

[veggirl]

I don't think it means he doesn't love you. I think it could very well mean that he takes ILY to be a very serious statement, one that changes the dynamics of the relationship--for example, ILY then engagement then marriage. He just isn't ready yet.

 

I think you need to stop telling him ILY. His sigh indicates that he takes it as pressure. And the ice cream thing, just more pressure about it.

 

Let him say it when he is ready. My bf and I were together 8 mos before we said it! I thought it so much before then but I was scared and just not ready to go there, for me it makes things more serious and I flat out wasn't ready.

 

Now should you date him for years w/o an ILY....no....at a certain point if he can't say it / feel it, then he NEVER is going to for you. So, what do you think that timeline looks like? For me, I'd say if we are together a year it needs to be on the table, but I'm a slow mover so your need may be different than mine.

[Diezel]

I don't want a man I can "train." Gheesh.

 

Then drop the ice cream routine.

 

Let him say it when he is ready.

[Keenly]

Its been 120 days and you want him to say I love you already?

 

 

You are being impatient and pushy. Its going to drive him away because you are trying to dictate the pace of something that needs to develop organically.

[BluEyeL]

Its been 120 days and you want him to say I love you already?

 

 

You are being impatient and pushy. Its going to drive him away because you are trying to dictate the pace of something that needs to develop organically.

I agree. Let men come into their feelings at their own pace. Don't try to push it. 4 months is too soon. You shouldn't have said it first and then proceeded to badger him and trying to make him say it back. Let it go. Don't say it to him again, let him say it when he's truly ready. Would it be better if he said it and didn't feel it? Just because you pushed him into it?

[waiting4u]

Its been 120 days and you want him to say I love you already?

 

 

You are being impatient and pushy. Its going to drive him away because you are trying to dictate the pace of something that needs to develop organically.

 

This makes me laugh - I know you are outside the situation, but mostly I've had to dictate the pace, yes, but I'm the one slowing it down. I didn't think it was appropriate to meet his family after 3 months, but he really wanted to. I'm not comfortable with him leaving his things here all the time. I'm finding it difficult to find time AWAY from him to nourish my relationships with my other friends. And in those 120 days we've had sex about 240 times, so we're not exactly strangers.

 

I know it's soon, but we've moved fast since the 4th date. I probably ought to be slowing it down rather than speeding it up with ILYs. Just not really sure how to do that at this point.

[Keenly]

This makes me laugh - I know you are outside the situation, but mostly I've had to dictate the pace, yes, but I'm the one slowing it down. I didn't think it was appropriate to meet his family after 3 months, but he really wanted to. I'm not comfortable with him leaving his things here all the time. I'm finding it difficult to find time AWAY from him to nourish my relationships with my other friends. And in those 120 days we've had sex about 240 times, so we're not exactly strangers.

 

I know it's soon, but we've moved fast since the 4th date. I probably ought to be slowing it down rather than speeding it up with ILYs. Just not really sure how to do that at this point.

 

You pretty much said it to me right here.

[waiting4u]

I agree. Let men come into their feelings at their own pace. Don't try to push it. 4 months is too soon. You shouldn't have said it first and then proceeded to badger him and trying to make him say it back. Let it go. Don't say it to him again, let him say it when he's truly ready. Would it be better if he said it and didn't feel it? Just because you pushed him into it?

 

I agree with much of this. But let me be clear - I am NOT pushy. I've said ILY to him about 4 times. In a month. 4 times.

[lamaga]

You need to stop pressuring him. A guy says it when he is ready. I am sure he has very strong feelings for you, and maybe he even loves you already, but he won't say it until he is 100% completely sure.

 

I told my boyfriend I loved him after 4 months and he said it after almost 6 months for the first time. Since then he has been very selective with his use of those three words, and I must say that I appreciate it the more every time he says it. It's not easy for many men, and you should let him explore his feelings at his very own pace. In the end you will be happier, trust me. He'll come to you. Stop saying it, or at least say it less, enjoy what you have, and just stop waiting - he will say it eventually.

 

Another example: My roommate has been with her boyfriend for 7 months and they haven't said it to each other, but it is very clear they love each other, probably will get married one day - some people don't feel the need to say it…

..

and to be completely honest with you, you should feel comfortable and loved by his actions, and not make your happiness with him dependant on those silly three words.

 

Another example: My mother's friend has been with her husband for 25 years. They are very happy together, married with kids, simple life but with no problems. He has told her "I love you" twice in her life. Yet she never felt unloved.

 

It's been 4 months. Let him be, enjoy what you have, and he will come to you!

 

Good luck!

[waiting4u]

I agree with much of this. But let me be clear - I am NOT pushy. I've said ILY to him about 4 times. In a month. 4 times.

 

Lol - sorry to be so defensive. Maybe I am pushy, since being called pushy evokes such a strong reaction in me.