DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Hey, Recently the guy I have been seeing has told me he feels trapped and needs to see other people. This was in about a two minute conversation before I had to leave to pick up kids. He left for overseas the following day. I am devastated. I love this guy more than I have ever loved anyone. I wonder if he may even have been my first love even though I am in my 40s. He is overseas at the moment. As we never managed to have much of a conversation about this, we agreed to catch up when he is back. I'm starting to wonder if this is a bad move so have formulated this email. Wonder if you guys can give me advice on it. I don't want us to be broken up but for him to finally commit to the relationship. Email follow: "For my wellbeing and healing, I've decided catching up with you would be very negative and just take me back to square one. That it would not give me closure but just more pain. Believe me when I say this is the hardest thing I have ever done...and the process of writing this, of even considering it, has me crying. The reason it is so hard is because a big part of me wants to fight for us because I really believed we had something special, really special, the intimacy we had that made us more comfortable with each other than we've ever been with anyone before, just enjoying being in each other's space; the physical aspect which I could only see getting better and better as time went on as our love deepened and our awareness of each other's body's increased, one of those relationships outsiders admire. I could envisage a relationship where both of us feel more loved than we ever have, more supported in our endeavours and with our kids, an amazing sex life that continues to grow forever, comfort, respect, lots of laughs, peace. Making us stronger, more confident, more capable than we are alone. I didn't picture a perfect relationship, of course there would at times be issues but I felt that we cared for each other enough, that we are both adult enough, both communicate well enough to take each others feelings, desires, wants into account and work for the relationship. Psychologists say there are three parts of love: 1. Intimacy is the emotional aspect: closeness, connectedness, and warmth of friendship. 2. Passion underlies physical desire, sexual behaviour, and arousal. This is the physical side. 3. Commitment is the decision-making part "CHOICE" of love; are couples willing to work it out? The adult part of love...where the realisation that nobody is perfect but with this person I could be happy, happier than I have ever been before. Where they make you want to be your best person and you theirs. I have been doing lots of reading. For healing, we have to let "us" go completely. No contact means no contact. It means deleting my number from your phone. It means cutting social media etc etc. I can tell you now this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Please don't down the track contact me just to check I'm ok. Each contact hurts me, leaves me feeling bereft. If at some stage I feel I could see you with a new partner and only feel happiness for you, I may contact you then...but I may not.
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I have no idea why he suddenly went off on this wild hair but all you can do is let him go. Break ups hurt but NC is a healing tool. Keep yourself busy & distracted. 1
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 I don't think I can go no contact without explaining to him that I am. Do you think sending an email is appropriate? If so, is the one I drafted appropriate?
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 No. Your e-mail is too long. If you must send something it has to be short. I'm trying to respect your decision to disappear out of my life so you can stop feeling trapped. You said you wanted to see other people. Since there is nothing I can do to stop you, I won't even try but understand this: I don't share. Your decision hurt me deeply but I'm a big girl. I will get over you. However in the short term I want nothing to do with you. Do not contact me again. I need time & space to heal. 4
Dontfindme Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 No. Your e-mail is too long. If you must send something it has to be short. I'm trying to respect your decision to disappear out of my life so you can stop feeling trapped. You said you wanted to see other people. Since there is nothing I can do to stop you, I won't even try but understand this: I don't share. Your decision hurt me deeply but I'm a big girl. I will get over you. However in the short term I want nothing to do with you. Do not contact me again. I need time & space to heal. I really wish I had someone to snip off my dissertation before I sent it to my ex. 1
littleblacksubmarine Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I agree, your original email was too long and you will only end up regretting expressing your feelings so fully. You've posted it on here so you have at least got them off your chest. D0nnivain's draft is pretty good, it indicates that you wanted more, which will at least give you the feeling that you tried, but it also allows you to keep your dignity and prevents him from thinking he can just take you back regardless of what he does. It is likely he will respond, which you should ignore unless he comes back with the 'full 180' as it's become known, in which case you have to decide if taking him back is the best idea for you. The NC guide has a section on how to handle this which is quite good.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 As the others have said, the email is far too long and confessional. Go with D0nnivain's edited version. I am sorry you're in pain. A break-up like that is incredibly hurtful and leaves you with no options to work it out (in that moment, I mean) You can't make him finally commit if he doesn't want to. But what do you think lead to this? How long were you together, and how were things going? Did you see any signs, even in retrospect?
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 One of my issues with going no contact with this guy is one of his reasons for not being with me is he said he wouldn't feel secure because says when things get hard I leave. In my mind, this is so not true. We have been in a complicated relationship where every now and then I try to go no contact. I usually fail very quickly. I want to be with this guy and don't want to justify his reasons for not being with me.
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 He's the one who left. Just because you want to be with him, doesn't mean he wants to be with you. His words may be hollow. Adults don't end relationships because they are afraid the other person will break up with them 1st. At best he's a coward but I suspect there's more to his departure than he's telling you. In your other post you said he feels "trapped" and "wants to date other people". The combo makes me wonder if there isn't already somebody else. 1
littleblacksubmarine Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 If you've made it clear that you wanted to be with him then that is the most you can do at this point. Over expressing this will weaken your position, push him away and leave you feeling worse. See your earlier thread, the short message that D0nnivain suggested is the most you should express. If he genuinely wants to be with you then NC will not stop him from trying to come back
littleblacksubmarine Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 His words may be hollow. Adults don't end relationships because they are afraid the other person will break up with them 1st. At best he's a coward but I suspect there's more to his departure than he's telling you. In your other post you said he feels "trapped" and "wants to date other people". The combo makes me wonder if there isn't already somebody else. D0nnivain I agree with most of what you have said, but I feel this part, while it could be accurate, is only speculation. I don't feel it's helpful as it could just fuel mind reading, which is to be avoided 1
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 But what do you think lead to this? How long were you together, and how were things going? Did you see any signs, even in retrospect? Hmm...where to start...our relationship was complicated. He was my best friend before we became physical. Our emotional intimacy was like nothing I have ever had with anything. He had this very very difficult woman as his on again/off again girlfriend. He felt responsible to her as she had mental health issues and tried to save her so always took her back. Meanwhile I was available when they were "off" because I loved him so so much. When his relationship finally ended completely, I assumed we would be together because I know he felt like I did that he was more comfortable with me than he had ever been with anyone, that the physical side was better than he had had with anyone. All it needed then was the commitment. He said his self esteem was so damaged from his relationship that he needed to see others. As stated above, he also told me that he wouldn't feel secure with me because I break things off when they get hard which I don't see as true. I broke things off this time when he told me he needed to see other people...and previously because he was not willing to commit to me. It was never easy...and I was never very successful. Did I see signs? Probably. When he said certain people wouldn't understand him being with me (and part of his insecurity is he worries a lot about what others think). But then he also told me that when his relationship with his ex ends (it was always going to at some stage because they were so toxic to each other) he wouldn't be able to move in with me straight away because it would confuse the kids. He said he feels I have expectations he can't meet. He can't explain this. He has tried but says he feels it. I find it hard to understand because I pretty much think he is perfect...maybe that is it...because he has low self esteem he can't understand why I think he is so special. I don't know...I do know it hurts like I've never been hurt before and I just don't understand.
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 If he genuinely wants to be with you then NC will not stop him from trying to come back I so hope you are right with this because I would hate to be pushing him away, having him justify that he can't trust me to be around when it is hard because we have no contact.
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Sadly even though you were friends first you were a rebound for him after the failure of his other relationship.
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 I will get over you. Not sure if I actually believe this!
littleblacksubmarine Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Not sure if I actually believe this! Speaking with plenty of experience, you definitely will, it just takes time. Regardless of the circumstances you can't change his mind by trying to convince him. Only he can change his mind, this is why you need to try to let go. If you let go either he will come back or you will move on. It's a win/win for you. But contact with him now, especially excessive, will only result in more pain 1
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Not sure if I actually believe this! Fake it 'til you make it! 2
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Speaking with plenty of experience, you definitely will, it just takes time. Regardless of the circumstances you can't change his mind by trying to convince him. Only he can change his mind, this is why you need to try to let go. If you let go either he will come back or you will move on. It's a win/win for you. But contact with him now, especially excessive, will only result in more pain Not sure how you guys all have so much wisdom. Thanks again for all your comments. I really think it is helping...and at times, even if only for very very brief periods, I think maybe I am better off without him. Though they are only brief periods and he is not someone I expect to stay single for very long and the thought of him being with someone else is so devastating to me. 1
littleblacksubmarine Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Not sure how you guys all have so much wisdom. Bitter, bitter experience, I found this forum after several unpleasant break ups. The NC guide has filled in the gaps. Of course giving advice is a lot easier than following it the thought of him being with someone else is so devastating to me This is always a difficult one to take, but if you practice NC you'll never know, which is part of the beauty of it! And I guarantee after a while you won't care at all about anything he's doing, except maybe mild curiosity
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Bitter, bitter experience, I found this forum after several unpleasant break ups. The NC guide has filled in the gaps. Of course giving advice is a lot easier than following it This is always a difficult one to take, but if you practice NC you'll never know, which is part of the beauty of it! And I guarantee after a while you won't care at all about anything he's doing, except maybe mild curiosity Well I hope you are happy with where you are at now. Unfortunately living in a country town with kids doing sport together, kids hanging out together (his son is my son's best friend) even if I am not having contact with him as such, I'm sure I will still know. I'll try to do my best to avoid him and knowing...that didn't sound very definite, did it?
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Here is an awful, unfortunate truth: people are almost never one hundred percent honest about why they want to break up. Even if you're doing it with the very best of intentions you're probably going to hold back something. And if you really don't care about the relationship or the other person anymore, you're probably going to lie. You will say anything, no matter how insane it sounds, just to get the other person to accept it. Here's the corollary to that awful truth: it doesn't matter why they break up with you. Okay, if your last six boyfriends have broken up with you because they think you're clingy, then maybe you should see a pattern, but beyond stuff like that it does. not. matter. All that matters is that they've decided they no longer be with you. You don't need to spend countless hours and sleepless nights agonizing over it. They don't want you enough to have a relationship with you. There's nothing else you need to know. In my experience, the post-breakup despair and frenzied thinking was far more damaging to me than the breakup itself. It's a conscious choice to acknowledge that obsessing over it is counterproductive. Once I realized that it just didn't matter I finally felt free. (And my breakups since then have been amicable and relatively easy, too.) 3
Author DiTat Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Not that I'm necessarily doubting...ok, ok...maybe I'm hearing what I don't want to hear. Maybe I'm really hoping if I send my original email he will understand that he does want to be with me. I know I'm delusional. Are people that are giving me advice now in happy relationships?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Not that I'm necessarily doubting...ok, ok...maybe I'm hearing what I don't want to hear. Maybe I'm really hoping if I send my original email he will understand that he does want to be with me. I know I'm delusional. Are people that are giving me advice now in happy relationships? That's not how it works. You can't make someone understand their own feelings, simply because they don't match up with yours. He doesn't want the same things you do, which he was quite clear about from the get-go (based on your description of your history with him) Sending that original email will come across as desperate; don't do it. I think there is more involved in his breaking it off than you know. He's plainly told you he wants to see other people, so I would not be at all surprised to learn that he already is. He's not going to give you the commitment you want, which I think he's been trying to tell you all along. Of course it hurts, but this will help you in the future. When someone tells you want they want/don't want, listen carefully and then decide if you should invest further time and effort in them. 1
littleblacksubmarine Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 Not that I'm necessarily doubting...ok, ok...maybe I'm hearing what I don't want to hear. Maybe I'm really hoping if I send my original email he will understand that he does want to be with me. I know I'm delusional. Are people that are giving me advice now in happy relationships? I am not in a happy relationship, and I freely admit I am terrible at them. I do understand break ups though. Sending your original email will not convince him he wants to be with you. I'm tired and drunk right now, but I really hope you don't send your email, I know it will not bring you what you want. Please at least sleep on it.
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