PersonalQuest Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 My boyfriend is mad at me because I asked him a personal question during sex, thinking it was manipulative. Now he doesn't want to talk to me. What should I do?
The_Fool Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I think it totally depends on the question! "Do you like what I'm doing to you right now?" is perfectly acceptable. "Do you think my mom is hot?" probably isn't. Can you give a bit more detail?
PersonalQuest Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Response to The_Fool - it was psersonal questions like when during the day did or if he get turned on, what exactly turned him on. Whatever he didn't want to tell me I kept asking until he snapped and thought it was too intrusive and one sided since I wasn't answering the same questions. I was just curious but I didn't know it was upsetting him until it was too late and now I feel bad about it.
CurlyIam Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 some people are quite private when it comes even to their own thoughts about sex. It's their right to be. IMHO: they don't know what they're missing !!!
Barby Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I think talking about things during sex would ruin the moment unless you're talking about what you want them to do to you or you're gonna do to them. I may be weird but aside from moans and love noises...I don't wanna hear someone questioning me during sex. But I think he should talk to you and explain why in fact he is mad and what it was (the questions or the timing in which you asked them) that made him mad. He said you were being manipulative....but why?!?! Asking about what turns him on during the day isn't manipulative....something like asking him if he's cheating or something during sex and holding off when he doesn't respond I guess could be considered manipulative!
The_Fool Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I completely agree with Barby. It's one thing to ask teasing, leading, suggestive questions during sex--something to enhance the moment--but I certainly don't want to be pestered by questions. Like Barby said, why would he think you were being manipulative? There's definitely something missing here.
PersonalQuest Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I guess that is good advice to keep the topic of "conversation" on topics strictly having to do with the act itself at the moment and save everything else for another time. I also asked for him to tell me a secret, I thought it would make us feel closer, he said you tell me one, I said I didn't have any, he didn't say he didn't have any he just didn't want to talk about stuff like that, and unlike his easy going personality, he just got very upset and we stopped everything and slept on not so good terms...
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Given that you asked him to tell you a secret in a vulnerable moment, when you don't have any yourself in an attempt to be 'closer' probably was seen as an attempt to trick him into something. It might have been meant to make you sense that he can 'tell you anything' and be 'closer as a result', but he probably was put off because he felt you were implying something about him hiding something. Have there been any jealousy issues, or anything like that? When one partner is jealous, the other partner will easily think that 'well intentioned' things like that are more a case of 'digging for information'. When people sense they are walking into a trap, they don't keep walking - they back away. Even if there isn't one - it doesn't change someone's perception that there might be one.
The_Fool Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 It could also be that he had something that he'd have wanted to share, maybe a long-time fantasy that he's wanted to talk about, but he was feeling vulnerable about it and needed you to share something like that yourself before he felt comfortable. I've actually been in that kind of situation before. LucreziaBorgia is right: if you want to get someone to share a secret, you should always be prepared to share one yourself to help make the other person more comfortable. And don't assume that if you share, they'll share. Some things are best kept as secrets.
PersonalQuest Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Oh my gosh, you guys are 100% correct and make so much sense. LucreziaBorgia, you are so correct that he may have felt I was implying he was hiding something from me. Yes, I have been jealous and even accused an email from his male friend earlier that night as having possibly been from a female and made him show me the sender, which he got upset about me not trusting him. I cannot believe how right you are on this situation. Maybe I was avoiding the truth myself, because I couldn't even admit to MYSELF that I was 'digging for information'.I feel like I owe you for helping me out like this. I have been upset at him ever since this happened, at how he reacted by not GIVING IN to my selfish attempt to get information just because I'M the one who is jealous, so now I can get angry at myself and not make him feel bad about it. I've been waiting for HIM to apologize to me. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR INSIGHT
CurlyIam Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 It's all about sharing. What I think is going on is that you try to turn him on and that's turning you on... unfortunatelly he doesn't perceive it the same way. About the secret part: Lucrezia is right, be prepared to share. You could have said that you don't have any secrets but you do have some fantasies hiding under your pillow... I think that if you're in bed you should keep it intimate and sexual... Share before asking him to open up. Maybe he needs more reassuring from you. As I've said, some men ego's are quite fragile.
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