tiffanywastaken Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Okay..Here we go. My story is a little different, (aren't they all?) so I hope everyone that reads this can bear with me as I could really use the advice. I know its long, but I really feel like I need to include all this for an accurate picture to be formed. Also, too any details are better that too few, right? So, years ago, I met this friend on an online game. I was 15 at the time, he was 13. We played together for awhile and had a lot of fun together on the game. Eventually we exchanged numbers. We chatted and got to know each other really well. We'll call him Tony. When I met Tony, I had been in a relationship for about 6 months. Don't worry, my friendship with Tony was strictly platonic. Although I will say, after I had known him for about a year, Tony expressed that he loved me. I didn't want to end our friendship because of this, and I explained to him that I was only to be friends with him. He was very understanding of this and told me he just wanted me to be happy, whatever that meant, and always wanted us to remain friends. Years passed. Tony always came to me with his relationship struggles, and I did with him as well. He always gave me really great advice, and I tried to do the same with him as well. He's always had such bad relationship problems, every girl he dated cheated on him. I was even the first person he called when his dog passed away! (So sad, I cried with him.) He and I were great friends. Of all my friends, both near and far, he was always one of my closest. My relationship with my ex was always rocky, we had some basic goal and belief differences. I wanted kids, he didn't. I was a christian, he was an atheist. Etc. Tony always told me in confidence that he always thought that my ex didn't treat me right. I believed in being committed so I tried to work through everything with him, even when it was really hard. Well, seven years into my relationship with him, 2 years living together, and 3 months engaged, he cheated on me. With my best friend. Yeah. I'll spare all the ugly details, but who was there for me through everything? Tony. As it turned out, a few weeks after all that happened, we both ended up single (surprise! his girlfriend of 18 months cheated on him.) We had always talked about meeting. I always shied away from it out of respect for my ex because I didn't want it to upset him. But now I was single, and only answered for myself. I was (who am I kidding? am) still healing from the bad break up, but I said sure. He was my best friend, I knew him. We had skyped before, talked on the phones COUNTLESS TIMES, and were friends on social media. I "loved" him, as a friend. So what did I have to lose? He chose to drive to me, seven hours. I met him, and it was awesome. We didn't miss a beat! It was so nerve wracking, but I had so much fun. I was fully prepared for the worst with him, but what can I say? Sparks flew. He was such a gentleman, and we had so much fun. He asked me out three weeks later, and I said yes. So present day. I'm 22, he's 20 currently. We've visited each other 6 times, trading off weekends every few weeks. So, finally, here's where I'm asking for advice. I'm trying not to romanticize this too much for the sake of facts, but I am really in love with this guy. It's amazing having this best friend I can literally talk to anything about and not worry about if we'll work through it, because we have worked through everything for years, and work through issues everyday. What's not to love? He wants to move to me. We've talked about it both ways, and I was okay with the idea of moving there in the future if it all worked out. Because of the Cost of Living being so much higher there, the crime rate, my being so close to my family and having an established job here, he wanted to. Is it too soon? He's met my family, and he and my older brother (28, married, 3 kids, well established adult figure) are basically best friends and he is all for him being here. As well as my friends, many of who he's talked to with me other the years, approve of him coming here too. We've both heard from our respective friends and family that they've never seen us so happy before, or seen two people so "in sync" and "natural together" No one questions that we have only been "official" for about 2 months, yet the plan is for him to move here in about 4-5 months. They say when you know, you know. And I know. And the great thing is, I am confident in saying that HE knows. ButI don't want to make some bad decision and move to fast and mess things up with this guy. I want things to work out way too badly to do that. So... Please, advice. I know its hard without knowing him or me, but I'd just like to get some advice, as I've never been in a LDR before. I think its worth noting that I've felt happier with him than I did in all the years with my ex. Not to take anything away from my relationship with him (at least before we started having our problems, I was happy with him) but that's just how intense my feelings are for each other. I didn't know it was possible to feel so comfortable and compatible with someone.
justwhoiam Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Hi, Fact is you only spent weekends with him, right? If so, I think you'd need to spend a bit more with him in person. Before even thinking about living together permanently, what about him spending 2 or 3 weeks at your place while you are working? That would not recreate a real ordinary life scenario, because he wouldn't be working (unless you both can work and he can live at your place). But at least, it'd be the closest thing you can get. Just to test it out. Also, you'd need to plan what changes would be needed in your home to make room for him and his stuff. I'd say he's really young for a cohabitation. And I'd be a bit concerned about him idealizing me for all those years of platonic love, because then, you'd need to live up to his expectations. Of course, he'd reassure you about not having any expectations, but let's not fool ourselves... By the way, doesn't he go to college? What does he do?
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Going from an LDR to cohabitation is a terrible idea. You have no time to get to know each other on a real life basis with the pressures of every day living. With an LDR the precious little time you have together is so rare everything else gets put on hold. You focus only on the other person but it's not how real life works. You do have to deal with grocery shopping, laundry, having a cold, bad moods etc. but in some ways the other person is a stranger because you have never faced those things. By all means have one of you re-locate & date conventionally. Who ever moves can get a roommate if the cost of living prevents complete independent living but don't move in together until you have been in the same area for at least one year. 1
Els Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Uh, I skimmed the first bit as it got rather confusing, and zoomed in on the last half of your post, so apologies if I missed anything important... So, you have been together for 2 months, right? And he wants to move to you? How are the logistics of this going to pan out? Will he be applying for jobs where you are? Or are you expecting to support him financially? Are you currently living in an apartment by yourself, or with roommates, or with your family?
lamaga Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 I have made this mistake twice in my life already, where I went from LDR straight to moving in together, and trust me, it is a really bad idea. One forgets about the daily routines and obstacles that will get in your way shortly after the initial overly romanticising of things will wear off… You think you know one another, but living together is a complete different thing. If I think of my boyfriend and me now, I could never ever imagine of moving in together at this point in our relationship, even though we've been living in the same street for the whole 10 months we've known each other and basically slept at each other's houses most of the time - but really, as long as there is the security of having your own place to take rest in, things will be much much healthier… at least at your age! You must take it slowly. These things can destroy a relationship!
Author tiffanywastaken Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Thanks for these replies. I have had all these reservations as well. He is aware of them. We've talked about them. I have told him that I am very concerned to going straight from weekends to living with him BECAUSE of daily routine that everyone has to go through. I have suggested him staying with a mutual friend that has an extra bedroom (they suggested it) as well as said brother who also suggested he could room with them for awhile. I have the means for am apartment, and currently looking. I didn't want to sign a lease and end up making a bad decision while going through the previous break up so I have been staying at my fathers for a few months until I find a place I like. I have lived on my own before, he however has not. Another concern of mine. Also, yes he is planning on job searching and finding one before moving here (which is why the 4-5 month original timeline is very flexible, could be much longer) I also suggested him staying here over the period of a work week too. Both to get to know each other better on a day to day basis and to make possible work connections for the future if everything works out. I'm glad there are those that definitely shared concerns. I was beginning to feel like a crazy person because everyone was so for it, "yeah it'll be strange at first but I know you guys can get through it." Yeah we might get lucky or the stress from so many factors: work, daily tasks, getting to know each other's weird living habits, money, you name it - could tear us apart. And I would feel terrible about that because he is coming here where he has no family or safety net other than me and mutual friends/my family. It's be awful to relocate to somewhere you don't know that well and then the worst happens. I'm not trying to be cryptic or pessimistic but... It's good to know all the scenarios that could happen.
Author tiffanywastaken Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Oh also he's currently working at a dealership and he's does shipping and receiving for the parts department. He went to college for CJ, didn't finish his four year.
justwhoiam Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 he's currently working at a dealership and he's does shipping and receiving for the parts department. He went to college for CJ, didn't finish his four year. Ok. Honestly, if I had my say about his future, like you have right now, I would motivate him to go on studying. He's still very young. His options will be very limited for the rest of his life, without any expertise, specialization, etc. If you're really serious about being together, do your best so that you can both earn enough to support a family, or each other when the lean times come. And they usually come... especially these days. He and I were both laid off (not at the same time though).
Els Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I have lived on my own before, he however has not. Another concern of mine. Also, yes he is planning on job searching and finding one before moving here (which is why the 4-5 month original timeline is very flexible, could be much longer) For the record, I don't think that people necessarily have to live separately after reuniting - there are people here who have moved in together immediately after, and it worked out for them. But now that you've said that he has never lived on his own before... yes IMO he should do that before you two live together. When you're living with mum and dad it's much easier to let them deal with everything - insurance, maintenance, even most of the house chores. Living independently is an adjustment, and preferably one that he should learn before cohabitating with a partner. I would never move in with a guy who has not lived away from his parents before, for that reason. I also suggested him staying here over the period of a work week too. Both to get to know each other better on a day to day basis and to make possible work connections for the future if everything works out. Sounds like a good plan.
Author tiffanywastaken Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Thanks for the advice and just replying! I'm definitely going to talk to him more about this... I'll probably wait until I can see him in person next, as I would want my SO to talk to something serious like that with me in person if possible... So a few weeks out. Any other opinions, suggestions or questions are seriously welcome.
Recommended Posts