True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I've noticed in the last couple of weeks I seem to be retracting into my shell a bit. It's like I have no energy for new people, like I just don't want to make any effort to get myself out there and meet new people. On line dating has not helped I think, I'm sick of that right now it just feels totally pointless. There are a couple of clubs and courses I want to get involved with, but I really feel like I can't be bothered with people. There is a cycling club which for the last two weeks I've found an excuse to not bother going. I'm cycling on my own about 3-4 times a week and when I have a day off from exercise I feel guilty for it. I want to go on a photoshop course as I'm into my photography, again I'm putting off going and waiting for the November course instead of just getting myself on the one that started in September. I might have a date lined up soon and I just feel totally meh, about it. Lately I like getting home closing the door and just doing nothing but listen to music, watch movies, surf the web, read or mess about with my 2 cars. Or go out on my mountain bike. I can't be bothered to talk to anyone. I've had a week off work as I had holidays to use up as it's a bit quiet at work at the moment. I have done nothing productive towards progressing with my life during my week off. I've been nowhere socially, seen no one and only spoken to my parents on the phone. Maybe that's ok, but I feel like I should be doing something more than that. I feel like I'm retracting or going backwards with my healing. She is on my mind a lot, I can't deny I miss the companionship of someone who knows me inside out. I miss my dogs, They belong to her now. I miss human touch and I miss going places and seeing things with a partner. I miss these things yet I can't be bothered to get out there. It's like the thought of building a new relationship just seems exhausting. I've been there and done it, I was supposed to be getting married to my ex. It's about a year since I had sex and that was with my ex. Since my ex left my sex drive almost doesn't exist because there are no females in my life who I'm attracted to, yet I miss sex. Ironically that was a constant source of frustration in our relationship, I was constantly rejected. I feel a bit mixed up. I don't know if I should be pushing myself harder or taking a break from the world out side of my world. I feel tired. I'm at 11 months post BU now. Since breaking up I've moved house, worked 7 day weeks, treated myself to new stuff, spent time with friends and family, been on some dates, started a self defence class and got physically fit. I have the clubs and courses I want to join, but I'm just not feeling any enthusiasm. Just letting it out here, I don't know what I'm meant to be feeling right now.
Reels Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 The more time you will spent being alone like this, you will probably find yourself exempted from all "relations". Would you prefer that?
d0nnivain Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Force yourself to go to the cycling clubs. Even if you ride silently by others it will help. When I miss my dog I visit friends with dogs or volunteer at a shelter.
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 The more time you will spent being alone like this, you will probably find yourself exempted from all "relations". Would you prefer that? Of course I wouldn't. Would I write this thread if I was happy with the situation?
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 Force yourself to go to the cycling clubs. Even if you ride silently by others it will help. When I miss my dog I visit friends with dogs or volunteer at a shelter. Yeah, I'm going to have to force myself to go. I feel annoyed with myself for having to (force) myself. I want to just be able to do it without thinking.
Reels Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Of course I wouldn't. Would I write this thread if I was happy with the situation? You know, we cannot be forcefully interested in anything. It is by will. So obviously you will have to become free flowing in your life for a while.
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 You know, we cannot be forcefully interested in anything. It is by will. So obviously you will have to become free flowing in your life for a while. Thanks, I see what you're saying. The problem is I beat myself up for not trying hard enough. I feel like I'm not allowed some time to just relax and be fee flowing, because that's not progression. I'm still adapting to single life and I want to improve myself in every single way I can. I feel burnt out and I don't want to let myself down by not keeping up the fight.
me85 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 (edited) I totally feel you. I'm unable to go and do like I used to but I'm starving!!!! As in, I can't wait to go and do again! And I want to get involved with something great. A cause. I love to travel and I've decided I'm moving to another state in one year. (= Right now my life is quite boring but I love it!!! I can't be bothered by people either. lol I work, go to the grocery store, pick up a movie, go home, walk my dog, play playstation, play online, lay around...I do normal everyday ****. haha I hardly ever go out for dinner or movies anymore. (which I love to do) Instead, I'm saving money and looking for a second job. I need a new car so I'm working towards that. Sure, I get lonely sometimes too, just like you do. I do wish I had someone to talk to. But I just want a friend. Not a lover. I'm done with that for a while. And I haven't have sex in 3 months. My sex drive is gone too! lol I don't even care about sex or think about it hardly. And I'm ok with that!! Gosh, I continue to surprise myself because I NEVER thought I'd be ok with celibacy. hahahaha I needed this time to myself. It has helped tremendously. I'm a social butterfly but I'm more of a homebody these days. I'm very outgoing but as I've gotten older I've gotten wiser. And I'm tired too! haha I'm only 29 but I feel at least 10 years older. lol I've lived it up, seen and done a lot... It's more than ok to have periods of solitude. After a while we owe it to ourselves to take a break from the outside world and all it's noise. I have no doubt you'll feel energized again in time. OLD is for the birds anyways. Never done it. You've accomplished a lot since your BU 11 months ago. I'm at 14 months and I still haven't started working out like I swore to myself I would. /= Be proud of yourself True Gent. We are! You've just been trying so hard to get used to life without your ex and by you trying everything you could to avoid downtime you simply wore yourself out! Chill for now. Enjoy this time to yourself. It will be good for you. Edited September 26, 2014 by me85 1
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 I totally feel you. I'm unable to go and do like I used to but I'm starving!!!! As in, I can't wait to go and do again! And I want to get involved with something great. A cause. I love to travel and I've decided I'm moving to another state in one year. (= Right now my life is quite boring but I love it!!! I can't be bothered by people either. lol I work, go to the grocery store, pick up a movie, go home, walk my dog, play playstation, play online, lay around...I do normal everyday ****. haha I hardly ever go out for dinner or movies anymore. (which I love to do) Instead, I'm saving money and looking for a second job. I need a new car so I'm working towards that. Sure, I get lonely sometimes too, just like you do. I do wish I had someone to talk to. But I just want a friend. Not a lover. I'm done with that for a while. And I haven't have sex in 3 months. My sex drive is gone too! lol I don't even care about sex or think about it hardly. And I'm ok with that!! Gosh, I continue to surprise myself because I NEVER thought I'd be ok with celibacy. hahahaha I needed this time to myself. It has helped tremendously. I'm a social butterfly but I'm more of a homebody these days. I'm very outgoing but as I've gotten older I've gotten wiser. And I'm tired too! haha I'm only 29 but I feel at least 10 years older. lol I've lived it up, seen and done a lot... It's more than ok to have periods of solitude. After a while we owe it to ourselves to take a break from the outside world and all it's noise. I have no doubt you'll feel energized again in time. OLD is for the birds anyways. Never done it. You've accomplished a lot since your BU 11 months ago. I'm at 14 months and I still haven't started working out like I swore to myself I would. /= Be proud of yourself True Gent. We are! You've just been trying so hard to get used to life without your ex and by you trying everything you could to avoid downtime you simply wore yourself out! Chill for now. Enjoy this time to yourself. It will be good for you. Your post made me smile me85. I am so very much in the same place as you, just doing the everyday **** and not really feeling the need for much more at the moment. Like you I haven't went to see a movie or been out to dinner in a while and I love these things too! Just not feeling it at the moment. You're right that I've been trying so hard to build a life beyond the ex that I've probably worn myself out. Well I have worn myself out, I need to stop feeling guilty about that. It's only since work got a little quieter that I've actually had some extra spare time to fill and realise I just can't be fussed lol. So it's ok to relax, regroup take a break and just be me for a while... Don't beat myself up. The sex drive thing is funny because I don't think about sex at the moment, but if I watch a film with a romantic or sexy scene in it I realise I'm missing something lol!
d0nnivain Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Yeah, I'm going to have to force myself to go. I feel annoyed with myself for having to (force) myself. I want to just be able to do it without thinking. You will get there. They say you have to so something for at least 30 days to make it a habit 1
Bella2 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I've noticed in the last couple of weeks I seem to be retracting into my shell a bit. It's like I have no energy for new people, like I just don't want to make any effort to get myself out there and meet new people. I feel a bit mixed up. I don't know if I should be pushing myself harder or taking a break from the world out side of my world. I feel tired. Maybe you just need some time to yourself. Why would that be bad? (as long as you don't feel completely depressed while being by yourself, that would be different) If you feel like you have to "load up" and that gives you peace right now, then why not? Do you feel ok on you own? If so, I would say that is positive.
me85 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Your post made me smile me85. I am so very much in the same place as you, just doing the everyday **** and not really feeling the need for much more at the moment. Like you I haven't went to see a movie or been out to dinner in a while and I love these things too! Just not feeling it at the moment. You're right that I've been trying so hard to build a life beyond the ex that I've probably worn myself out. Well I have worn myself out, I need to stop feeling guilty about that. It's only since work got a little quieter that I've actually had some extra spare time to fill and realise I just can't be fussed lol. So it's ok to relax, regroup take a break and just be me for a while... Don't beat myself up. The sex drive thing is funny because I don't think about sex at the moment, but if I watch a film with a romantic or sexy scene in it I realise I'm missing something lol! Exactly! Don't beat yourself up! HAHAHAHA! I feel that way when I watch a movie too! But it'll happen for us again. We'll find other playmates. I honestly don't mind if I stay single for the rest of my life. You're worn out because you've been busy doing better for yourself and filling your time. That's a great reason to be worn out! 1
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 Maybe you just need some time to yourself. Why would that be bad? (as long as you don't feel completely depressed while being by yourself, that would be different) If you feel like you have to "load up" and that gives you peace right now, then why not? Do you feel ok on you own? If so, I would say that is positive. Yes I do feel fine on my own. I do actually enjoy my own company. I suppose I've just been quite driven lately and thinking of shifting down a gear just seems like that could be considered a backwards step. You could say in my youth I was quite anti social and I consider myself to be a different person than that now. I didn't like that part of myself and I don't want to see that part of me resurface.
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 Exactly! Don't beat yourself up! HAHAHAHA! I feel that way when I watch a movie too! But it'll happen for us again. We'll find other playmates. I honestly don't mind if I stay single for the rest of my life. You're worn out because you've been busy doing better for yourself and filling your time. That's a great reason to be worn out! You're right it is a good reason to be worn out. It's nice to get some unbiased perspective from others who can relate so thanks! 1
me85 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 You're right it is a good reason to be worn out. It's nice to get some unbiased perspective from others who can relate so thanks! No problem. And don't worry...that part of you when you used to be anti-social won't resurface. You've grown and changed. You're a better person now. You're not taking a step backwards by slowing down and being by yourself for a while. That's part of the process/progress. You have to have time to reflect. A lot of people like to stay busy (workaholics) so they can avoid their thoughts and emotions but sooner or later we all have to face them. 2
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 No problem. And don't worry...that part of you when you used to be anti-social won't resurface. You've grown and changed. You're a better person now. You're not taking a step backwards by slowing down and being by yourself for a while. That's part of the process/progress. You have to have time to reflect. A lot of people like to stay busy (workaholics) so they can avoid their thoughts and emotions but sooner or later we all have to face them. I think I need to look at things a little differently and learn not be so judgemental of myself at times. Also I need to adopt a more positive attitude on such matters.
NopeNah Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I'm with you! Just 'getting through' the day is mentally exhausting lately. I think, in my case, I ran too fast out of the gate. Not accepting the break up and putting on a happy face for the world to see. I was 'perfectly fine', to any and everyone. Now I'm looking for time alone to reflect on the relationship and myself. Wish I had started a bit ago and saved myself some time, money and somewhat selfish/destructive behavior. "Good times!" So, now I start over.
me85 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Well, hey...I'd love to help and so would others on here. I'm all about positivity. Are you into spirituality? What are your thoughts regarding religion? If I may ask ? Way I see it, faith is a hard thing to hold on to. It's hard to keep a balance in life. Being inspired is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I compare it to falling in love. I know you've been motivated since your BU. But what about inspiration? Two very different things. See, I've been to the depths of my soul. I'm a real soul sista. hehe Are you a soul brutha? (= 1
Author True Gent Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 Well, hey...I'd love to help and so would others on here. I'm all about positivity. Are you into spirituality? What are your thoughts regarding religion? If I may ask ? Way I see it, faith is a hard thing to hold on to. It's hard to keep a balance in life. Being inspired is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I compare it to falling in love. I know you've been motivated since your BU. But what about inspiration? Two very different things. See, I've been to the depths of my soul. I'm a real soul sista. hehe Are you a soul brutha? (= It's interesting I hadn't thought of inspiration rather than motivation! I like the way you think lol! Religion and spiritual beliefs I'm neither strongly a believer nor dis believer. I do sometimes think to myself that everything happens for a reason and perhaps there is a big plan already mapped out for us or 'fate' if you like. However I also think that maybe we just tell ourselves things like that to help us feel better when life throws a spanner in the works. I have been doing a lot of soul searching within myself since my breakup and I think a lot of good has come of it, but on the flip side I also over analyse and self criticise sometimes (as this thread proves). I am not surrounded by many inspirational people, most people close to me either have depression problems or other issues and they seem to just give up on things. People have often comented to me how well I've coped with my breakup and how much I've moved on and how they couldn't of survived like I have. I take this as a big compliment, but I always knew I wouldn't just roll over and give up on life because I was broken hearted. That would only hinder me and I beleive I derserve good things to happen to me.
Lolalo Posted September 27, 2014 Posted September 27, 2014 Just really as a consolation if anything; I am in a very similar phase right now myself. I come home from work, walk my dog, sort tea, and then just chill. I've got no real inclination to talk to people or see people. Weekends are much of a muchness of nothing. And I feel lethargic and demotivated to doing anything. I've been working on myself and changing my life too new job, fitness and health and to be honest I think my body has just gone "nope I need a sit down now" lol. My interest in sex and relationships is 0, until something makes me feel like like it might be nice to have a cuddle at night. I don't think you should worry about it, have a few weeks of chilling, re coop and then plan some stuff, I don't know if you're the same as me in the thought that "ugh it will be a waste of time I won't enjoy it" but I often think like that then kick myself to do it and really enjoy myself. So in summary, allow yourself to be hermit for a short while your body and mind may just need the peace. And then kick it up a gear and force yourself out into the public domain. Don't worry about dating etc if you're not feeling it, You don't have to do anything! Just chill :-) 1
Author True Gent Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 Just really as a consolation if anything; I am in a very similar phase right now myself. I come home from work, walk my dog, sort tea, and then just chill. I've got no real inclination to talk to people or see people. Weekends are much of a muchness of nothing. And I feel lethargic and demotivated to doing anything. I've been working on myself and changing my life too new job, fitness and health and to be honest I think my body has just gone "nope I need a sit down now" lol. My interest in sex and relationships is 0, until something makes me feel like like it might be nice to have a cuddle at night. I don't think you should worry about it, have a few weeks of chilling, re coop and then plan some stuff, I don't know if you're the same as me in the thought that "ugh it will be a waste of time I won't enjoy it" but I often think like that then kick myself to do it and really enjoy myself. So in summary, allow yourself to be hermit for a short while your body and mind may just need the peace. And then kick it up a gear and force yourself out into the public domain. Don't worry about dating etc if you're not feeling it, You don't have to do anything! Just chill :-) Thanks for sharing! It is a consolation to know I'm not just an antisocial hermit lol! I am too hard on myself at times it's clear.
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