kate1982 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 In an affair for more then two years with breaks... we know it will end one day, we have no long term expectiations towards each other, however we communicate daily and talk a lot, generally in my opinion having a good and close connection. My question, please help... not sure what to think and how to react... his wife got really sick recently, I am not sure exactly what happened but she has been in hospital with some serious condition. Since that time he only communicated once, it was 5 days ago, saying he would get in touch when he gets a chance. What do I do? Wait? Leave? Ask? I am so confused... I miss him so much. Has this situation make him understand how much he has been playing on his wife? Does he feels guilty? Does he feels sick of what we had? Or is he just focused on his priorities at the moment... On one hand I want to give him space to focus on family, on the other one I really want to know what he expect from me... if anything. I also worry about him.. What would you do..
whatatangledweb Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 He said he would contact you when he gets a chance. I would wait. His wife's condition seems to be very serious and I am sure he is staying by her side. It may be making him feel guilty or he may just be so worried that she is all he is concerned with. I don't say that to be hurtful to you. You stated that you had no long erm expectations towards each other so I would assume that means he was not planning to leave his wife. She is ill and she needs him. That is where he should be. 1
gettingstronger Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Since that time he only communicated once, it was 5 days ago, saying he would get in touch when he gets a chance. He told you what he wants and needs-he said he will get with you when he can-honor that- 3
JustJoe Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 In an affair for more then two years with breaks... we know it will end one day, we have no long term expectiations towards each other, however we communicate daily and talk a lot, generally in my opinion having a good and close connection. My question, please help... not sure what to think and how to react... his wife got really sick recently, I am not sure exactly what happened but she has been in hospital with some serious condition. Since that time he only communicated once, it was 5 days ago, saying he would get in touch when he gets a chance. What do I do? Wait? Leave? Ask? I am so confused... I miss him so much. Has this situation make him understand how much he has been playing on his wife? Does he feels guilty? Does he feels sick of what we had? Or is he just focused on his priorities at the moment... On one hand I want to give him space to focus on family, on the other one I really want to know what he expect from me... if anything. I also worry about him.. What would you do..Are you truly this selfish? His wife is seriously ill and all you can think about is your own feelings? I've got an idea, how about a little compassion and patience? 10
Redheaded Mistress Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 In an affair for more then two years with breaks... we know it will end one day, we have no long term expectiations towards each other, however we communicate daily and talk a lot, generally in my opinion having a good and close connection. My question, please help... not sure what to think and how to react... his wife got really sick recently, I am not sure exactly what happened but she has been in hospital with some serious condition. Since that time he only communicated once, it was 5 days ago, saying he would get in touch when he gets a chance. What do I do? Wait? Leave? Ask? I am so confused... I miss him so much. Has this situation make him understand how much he has been playing on his wife? Does he feels guilty? Does he feels sick of what we had? Or is he just focused on his priorities at the moment... On one hand I want to give him space to focus on family, on the other one I really want to know what he expect from me... if anything. I also worry about him.. What would you do.. You know, usually I'm a big proponent of just carrying on like your past interactions would normally define. This is I think an exception to the rule. His wife is sick and in the hospital without a clue of how serious it is or isn't. He expressed a need for space, so at 5 days out, I'd say just keep on keeping on. I wouldn't reach out. I'd maybe understand he will eventually or maybe whatever happened would have triggered the end of the affair. Seeing as there were no long-term expectations, I know it'll be hard, but it sounds like the affair would have headed that way at some point. Give him the space he asked for, be ready if he comes back, be prepared for if he doesn't. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Since you know this affair isn't going anywhere - Meaning, he has no plans on leaving and divorcing his wife to be with you full time, use this time now to detach and end your affair with him. His wife is sick, who knows how serious it is, but it is possible seeing his wife sick has woken him up to change his priorities. Please for your own sanity, end it. 2
Author kate1982 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 I see where you are coming from.. I respect the fact that he wants to focus on his family now . We were also friends, apart from being lovers, I want to be a support for him in this situation.. I haven't demanded any calls from him, I said last time we spoke that i understand his situation and that it is ok, that I will wait for him to get in touch. But it has been so long... I want to know where I stand. Would it be OK to send an email to find out how his wife is doing? Just really compasionate message instead of any demands... I just worry about him... he means a lot to me as a person. if he told me he doesn't want to see me anymore, I would totally understand and let him go. I respect his life.
whatatangledweb Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 No, it wouldn't be okay. His wife is ill and it would be a punch in her face to find out down the road that during this her husband turned from her so he could make you feel better. His wife is not your friend and to ask him how she is doing would sound completely insincere since you are having an affair with him. I am really not trying to be rude or mean but he has more important things to be doing than talking to you about where the two of you stand. If he had the time, he would have contacted you. You said you were his friend...a friend would do as he asked and understand why. 3
scatterd Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I would not send any messages. Show respect for her at least while she is down. You are not concerned for her its for him. She deserves some attention with out interruption. He will call you when things are better. 4
Quiet Storm Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Even though you are friends, he likely won't see you as a source of support in these circumstances. You don't have his wife's best interests at heart, and any care and concern you show towards his wife could be viewed as phony. Also, since he told you to give him space, reaching out would be disrespectful. What you view as an offer of support to a friend, he may see as a need for attention & reassurance (which may seem trivial to him now that he is dealing with his wife's illness). Just respect his wishes and wait. 4
still_an_Angel Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I would stay away and wait for him to make contact when things are better. its only been days since his last communication and this is family time. He knows you are there for him but he does not need you right now, his wife is ill so focus should be on her.
jellybean89 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I see where you are coming from.. I respect the fact that he wants to focus on his family now . We were also friends, apart from being lovers, I want to be a support for him in this situation.. I haven't demanded any calls from him, I said last time we spoke that i understand his situation and that it is ok, that I will wait for him to get in touch. But it has been so long... I want to know where I stand. Would it be OK to send an email to find out how his wife is doing? Just really compasionate message instead of any demands... I just worry about him... he means a lot to me as a person. if he told me he doesn't want to see me anymore, I would totally understand and let him go. I respect his life. Do you really care how his wife is doing? I ask cause you have been having an affair with her husband, so why the concern now...or is that just an excuse to contact him? He doesn't need YOU for support during his wife's illness. She definitely doesn't need you "supporting" her husband while she is sick. How can you say you respect his life? By having an affair, it shows neither of you respect anything, certainly not each other. Leave him alone. If he wanted to be in contact, he would be. Now is the time to get on with YOUR life, without him. Think about going I to counseling to figure out why you entered into an affair and how you can fix yourself so that you don't do it again. Work on you - why you accept being a mistress vs a girlfriend. He has enough going on in his life right now...the last thing he needs is questions or demands about where you stand with him. I think his actions alone are telling you where you stand.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I see where you are coming from.. I respect the fact that he wants to focus on his family now . We were also friends, apart from being lovers, I want to be a support for him in this situation.. I haven't demanded any calls from him, I said last time we spoke that i understand his situation and that it is ok, that I will wait for him to get in touch. But it has been so long... I want to know where I stand. Would it be OK to send an email to find out how his wife is doing? Just really compasionate message instead of any demands... I just worry about him... he means a lot to me as a person. if he told me he doesn't want to see me anymore, I would totally understand and let him go. I respect his life. 5 days isn't that long. Get busy living your own life. Go be with your family and other friends. Don't sit by the phone waiting for him to contact you. Even if he calls, expect nothing - Meaning, he isn't going to come hang out with you. I don't mean to sound rude or cruel to you, I just hope that you focus on your own life rather than him. He has a life built already with someone else... Reality is, he's going to keep that life with her intact. Also, do you genuinely care about his wife's well being or is it a loaded question in hopes he'll keep you in his mind, maybe make special time for you? You deserve more than being his side dish. I take it you want your own husband, kids and a house, a family unit some day? You won't get that with him.
JustJoe Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 No...you should NOT contact him , for any reason. You are still only thinking of your issues and feelings. You care nothing for his wife, so why pretend? Leave them alone to deal with their issues , and concentrate on your own. 1
eye of the storm Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I agree with the other posters. Do not contact him. You are not contacting him to check on him. You are contacting him because you feel left out. "I want to know where I stand. Would it be OK to send an email to find out how his wife is doing?" You stated you want to email him to see where you stand and you think by asking him how his wife is doing you can open up a conversation on your relationship. Look, I'm an OW. I can't come down on you for that. But, if you are going to be an OW, you have to understand when the MM is with his wife, he is with her and you need to butt out. Especially if she is sick and in the hospital. Sticking your nose in now would be on the very upper layers of tacky. You stated this relationship isn't long term but the fact that you can't go 5 days without talking to him says alot. I would take this time to figure out where you want to be. The fact he has gone 5 days without talking to you says he does not feel the same way you do. 3
Author kate1982 Posted September 28, 2014 Author Posted September 28, 2014 Thank you all for your answers.. it has been hard but I try to give him the space he needs. we have email accounts set up only for our communication, so I know he will log in there when he feels like he wants it, otherwise, I know I have to wait and hope all will be come in its own time. I sent him only support email saying that I hope she feels well soon and that I understand that he needs time now to get on with his family life. That I wait for him to get in touch when he feels he is ready for that. I just wanted to ask you all.. here... OW/OM.. Have you ever been in similar situations before? Where something difficult happened at the other side end and you didn't know how things would go from there.. What did you do? How it all turned out to be?
Redheaded Mistress Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 I just wanted to ask you all.. here... OW/OM.. Have you ever been in similar situations before? Where something difficult happened at the other side end and you didn't know how things would go from there.. What did you do? How it all turned out to be? I have. I laid low, waited to hear back from him but mentally prepared myself for his decision to not come back. He ended up reaching out pretty quickly.
still_an_Angel Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Thank you all for your answers.. it has been hard but I try to give him the space he needs. we have email accounts set up only for our communication, so I know he will log in there when he feels like he wants it, otherwise, I know I have to wait and hope all will be come in its own time. I sent him only support email saying that I hope she feels well soon and that I understand that he needs time now to get on with his family life. That I wait for him to get in touch when he feels he is ready for that. I just wanted to ask you all.. here... OW/OM.. Have you ever been in similar situations before? Where something difficult happened at the other side end and you didn't know how things would go from there.. What did you do? How it all turned out to be? Yes, I have been in a situation like that. MM's wife was in the hospital and while she was there, he advised me that even if she goes home, she will not be able to do a lot of stuff, including some personal stuff. That was an "ouch" for me, and I worried that they will grow closer with all that caregiving services he has to do for her. Not much I can do except to butt out and avoided contact. My thoughts were going into overdrive though, she needs him and I know he still cares for her. I tell ya, it took a lot of willpower for me to not contact him. After about a week, he finally emailed me, but just to ask how I'm doing, he did not mention anything about life at home. I thought it would be cheeky to ask about the W so I didn't. For those weeks while she recuperated we stayed on LC. It was months later that he thanked me for staying away and giving him space to do what he needed to do to look after his family.
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