The downside of a woman falling too hard for me

[Darren2013]

I've thought about this alot and that there is one potential downside if a woman falls too hard for me and that is she may have a desire to upgrade our relationship to marriage or more of a living together situation. Chances are while she won't come out and admit it she may start throwing hints.

 

There's always the risk of that happening even if she claims to be hardcore against getting married in the early stages of dating. It is a valid concern because there are a certain percentage of married couples I have talked to who say that they were hardcore against marriage before meeting their spouse and then something happened where a desire for marriage was awakened.

 

That can happen to anyone and some people who are currently married did not think it would ever happen to them.

 

I suppose that's another reason I am reluctant to ask any women out because I think of all these scenarios like what's going to happen if we do hit it off well and she continues to really fall deeper in love with me. Then I gotta think about what's next. Even though we may have already talked about how neither of us want to get married we can say anything we want to before feelings get too deep. The reality is that as feelings get deeper some people change their minds about their views on marriage.

 

So what is the end result of that scenario? The end result is that we would then become incompatible because I am still stuck in my mindset of how I don't believe in marriage and would be happy to just continue seeing her once or twice a week for the rest of my life. There's a good chance she will pull out of the relationship and do no contact on me because she realizes she wants to marry me and I haven't caught up to her on the same page.

 

There is always the risk of no longer being compatible when dating someone for a period of time whether it is because one person had their desire for marriage reawakened while the other hasn't caught up to that or whatever.

 

Someone might say to me that I should feel honored if any woman saw something in me that convinced her I was worth marrying. I can understand the reasoning behind that. Just as I can understand why some folks would tell me that I should feel honored being offered a promotion at my job 2 years ago and that I am crazy to turn it down. Marriage is like getting a big promotion and with that promotion comes big responsibilities. I sometimes wish my parents or friends did not believe in my potential so much when I do not believe in myself.

 

So there isn't always an upside to a woman falling too deep in love with you if you are not the marrying type because you have to ask yourself what are you going to do if all of a sudden she gives hints that she wants to marry you?? I wouldn't want to be caught off guard like that.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Darren2013

[OwMyEyeball]

You're reluctant to ask women out because you have a very deeply embedded fear of abandonment that's always begging for one rationalization to the next.

 

There are more scenarios of failure to invent than seconds left in this century, so keep dreaming them up while you murder yourself with isolation. Hopefully at some point you'll see past the absurdity and move past your fear.

[Mister Zen]

No, No.. the downside to a woman falling too hard is her fall will be temporary.

 

Once you reach the top there is no where to go but down. So if she falls super hard.. you can bet her interest will eventually fade to a more sane level over time as she judges you and finds flaws (as all women do).

 

If you find yourself in a situation where a woman falls hard.. take advantage of it while you can. It won't last.

[CaliGypsy]

Stop putting the cart before the horse.

 

When you do decide you want a relationship , just enjoy it ! Let it evolve organically .

[Darren2013]

No, No.. the downside to a woman falling too hard is her fall will be temporary.

 

Once you reach the top there is no where to go but down. So if she falls super hard.. you can bet her interest will eventually fade to a more sane level over time as she judges you and finds flaws (as all women do).

 

If you find yourself in a situation where a woman falls hard.. take advantage of it while you can. It won't last.

 

I am just giving one possible scenario. Your scenario certainly has equal merit to think about as well.

 

As far as just enjoying the moment in a relationship the only problem is that a relationship is either progressing towards marriage or it is heading toward a breakup. Those are the only 2 options. It doesn't stay stagnant.

[Apaige]

I've thought about this alot and that there is one potential downside if a woman falls too hard for me and that is she may have a desire to upgrade our relationship to marriage or more of a living together situation. Chances are while she won't come out and admit it she may start throwing hints.

 

There's always the risk of that happening even if she claims to be hardcore against getting married in the early stages of dating. It is a valid concern because there are a certain percentage of married couples I have talked to who say that they were hardcore against marriage before meeting their spouse and then something happened where a desire for marriage was awakened.

 

That can happen to anyone and some people who are currently married did not think it would ever happen to them.

 

I suppose that's another reason I am reluctant to ask any women out because I think of all these scenarios like what's going to happen if we do hit it off well and she continues to really fall deeper in love with me. Then I gotta think about what's next. Even though we may have already talked about how neither of us want to get married we can say anything we want to before feelings get too deep. The reality is that as feelings get deeper some people change their minds about their views on marriage.

 

So what is the end result of that scenario? The end result is that we would then become incompatible because I am still stuck in my mindset of how I don't believe in marriage and would be happy to just continue seeing her once or twice a week for the rest of my life. There's a good chance she will pull out of the relationship and do no contact on me because she realizes she wants to marry me and I haven't caught up to her on the same page.

 

There is always the risk of no longer being compatible when dating someone for a period of time whether it is because one person had their desire for marriage reawakened while the other hasn't caught up to that or whatever.

 

Someone might say to me that I should feel honored if any woman saw something in me that convinced her I was worth marrying. I can understand the reasoning behind that. Just as I can understand why some folks would tell me that I should feel honored being offered a promotion at my job 2 years ago and that I am crazy to turn it down. Marriage is like getting a big promotion and with that promotion comes big responsibilities. I sometimes wish my parents or friends did not believe in my potential so much when I do not believe in myself.

 

So there isn't always an upside to a woman falling too deep in love with you if you are not the marrying type because you have to ask yourself what are you going to do if all of a sudden she gives hints that she wants to marry you?? I wouldn't want to be caught off guard like that.

 

Take it from me ( the one who fell too hard) the relationship will only stay stagnant for so long. I have been in a similar situation, he fell too hard, too quickly, it scared me tremendously, I backed off, but I realized that there were so many reasons why this was a good thing, and if the progression continued, I learned that I wanted to go with it. It was too late; I fell hard, and he did not. Now we are stagnant, and the relationship is sh*t! Honestly, I have no clue what we even are anymore. Resentment is setting in, and I become angrier every day. One's feelings will not catch up with the other persons. Just don't see it happening. You need to figure out what you want, and if it's not marriage, you need to either only casually date someone that is truly only looking to casually date as well. Good luck!!

[Mr Scorpio]

So what is the end result of that scenario? The end result is that we would then become incompatible because I am still stuck in my mindset of how I don't believe in marriage and would be happy to just continue seeing her once or twice a week for the rest of my life. There's a good chance she will pull out of the relationship and do no contact on me because she realizes she wants to marry me and I haven't caught up to her on the same page.

 

Well, yeah. I would guess that describes the situation surrounding 1/3 of marriages. Trick is to finding someone who you want to spend more than one or two days a week with. Or the relationship ends and you move on.

[somedude81]

No, No.. the downside to a woman falling too hard is her fall will be temporary.

 

Once you reach the top there is no where to go but down. So if she falls super hard.. you can bet her interest will eventually fade to a more sane level over time as she judges you and finds flaws (as all women do).

 

If you find yourself in a situation where a woman falls hard.. take advantage of it while you can. It won't last.

 

Been there done that.

 

The ride is super fun when it lasts. But then it ends and she's gone forever.

[Michelle ma Belle]

No, No.. the downside to a woman falling too hard is her fall will be temporary.

 

Once you reach the top there is no where to go but down. So if she falls super hard.. you can bet her interest will eventually fade to a more sane level over time as she judges you and finds flaws (as all women do).

 

If you find yourself in a situation where a woman falls hard.. take advantage of it while you can. It won't last.

 

I think someone needs a hug

[Michelle ma Belle]

Stop putting the cart before the horse.

 

When you do decide you want a relationship , just enjoy it ! Let it evolve organically .

 

Amen!

 

OP, you're WAY over thinking things and creating problems where there aren't any!

 

R.E.L.A.X.

[OwMyEyeball]

I am just giving one possible scenario. Your scenario certainly has equal merit to think about as well.

 

As far as just enjoying the moment in a relationship the only problem is that a relationship is either progressing towards marriage or it is heading toward a breakup. Those are the only 2 options. It doesn't stay stagnant.

Life is constantly progressing towards death.

 

Order is constantly progressing towards chaos.

 

Reasoning that one cannot enjoy the moment because it will change is absurd.

[Tayken]

@OP...has others have mentioned, enjoy the moment, but have your wits about you. Do NOT get hoodwinked though...this is usually where people overlook stuff that comes back to bite them in the posterior

[preraph]

You cannot be successful while you are this afraid of failure. Failure is a part of progress. You try, sometimes it works, sometimes it fails, you keep trying -- that's life in progress. Your life is on hold because you're afraid to enter the gate, much less run the race.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it's good that you are thinking about this.

 

You are a man that knows what you want, and are thoughtful enough to consider how it may impact others. You are realistic to expect that things may change, even if you give them an "only casual" disclaimer up front. I don't agree with the "overthinking" comments. I think you are being smart & considerate.

[Gloria25]

Well, now a days it shouldn't be hard for you to find someone who will be with you long term w/o marriage - cuz that seems to be the "norm" now a days.

 

What I'm not sure is about is you finding someone who will only see you once or twice a week...

 

You must be a rare breed, cuz I've never been married and while I never spelled out to my casual RL guys that I only could tolerate seeing them once in a while, I pretty much was in RLs like that - where I would only see them once or twice a week....But, those RLs didn't last long. The longest I was in a RL like that was for like 6 years and since him, I haven't met someone who would stick around that long.

 

So, I don't know if there's guys like you out there...I sure haven't found them.

 

I don't know, I guess most men need more than sex for it to progress...and when you think about it, people who get married have the kids to keep them together (hence the divorces around the time the kids are up and out - cuz the couple were all enthralled with raising the kids and forgot about each other).

 

I, myself, am happy where I am...I just wish I could meet a guy who could tolerate the same. That's one reason why I'm often reluctant to enter into RLs cuz I feel like I'm wasting my time, I can't give them what they'd want in a marriage...Then, I don't want to do ONS, and FB/FWB situations also fade away pretty quick too.

 

There's days I think I can do it (marriage, that is), but since I never did it, I wonder if I'd fail at it.

 

Sometimes I'll tell my gfs that I just would get married at this point in my life (and push through my intimacy issues) just so I can have someone to have sex with on the regular...I mean, I have my own home, vehicle, stuff, etc. and made up my mind that I don't want kids...

[Mister Zen]

I am just giving one possible scenario. Your scenario certainly has equal merit to think about as well.

 

As far as just enjoying the moment in a relationship the only problem is that a relationship is either progressing towards marriage or it is heading toward a breakup. Those are the only 2 options. It doesn't stay stagnant.

 

And maybe that's the problem with romantic relationships. They always have to be progressing. Why is that? Why can't two people just love each other and have great sex without some kind of "game plan"?

[Darren2013]

Well, now a days it shouldn't be hard for you to find someone who will be with you long term w/o marriage - cuz that seems to be the "norm" now a days.

 

What I'm not sure is about is you finding someone who will only see you once or twice a week...

 

You must be a rare breed, cuz I've never been married and while I never spelled out to my casual RL guys that I only could tolerate seeing them once in a while, I pretty much was in RLs like that - where I would only see them once or twice a week....But, those RLs didn't last long. The longest I was in a RL like that was for like 6 years and since him, I haven't met someone who would stick around that long.

 

So, I don't know if there's guys like you out there...I sure haven't found them.

 

I don't know, I guess most men need more than sex for it to progress...and when you think about it, people who get married have the kids to keep them together (hence the divorces around the time the kids are up and out - cuz the couple were all enthralled with raising the kids and forgot about each other).

 

I, myself, am happy where I am...I just wish I could meet a guy who could tolerate the same. That's one reason why I'm often reluctant to enter into RLs cuz I feel like I'm wasting my time, I can't give them what they'd want in a marriage...Then, I don't want to do ONS, and FB/FWB situations also fade away pretty quick too.

 

There's days I think I can do it (marriage, that is), but since I never did it, I wonder if I'd fail at it.

 

Sometimes I'll tell my gfs that I just would get married at this point in my life (and push through my intimacy issues) just so I can have someone to have sex with on the regular...I mean, I have my own home, vehicle, stuff, etc. and made up my mind that I don't want kids...

 

 

When I say marriage I do not necessarily mean the legal document but I mean living like a married couple. You are right it is more common for couples to live together without a marriage license these days but it is still the norm for couples to do everything like they are married.

 

Most people still want to progress a relationship to a living together status. I am a rare breed in the sense of not wanting that kind of progression. When I say I only want to see my girlfriend twice a week that's a maximum. Sometimes I want it to be less than that.

 

When I think of all the possible scenarios in my head about my crush I begin thinking that okay even if I do succeed in getting her to go out with me then what's next? What if she ends up wanting more out of the relationship than I can give her such as more time together? Then this could lead to a hurtful ending for both of us and possibly ruin the current friendship we already have built over the last 12 years.

 

So that also answers the question that some are asking when they ask me dude what do you have to lose just ask her out already? I have alot to lose really. It goes much deeper than just risking a rejection but also risking the friendship altogether. Either she doesn't have feelings for me and then she feels uncomfortable being my friend because she knows I like her or she wants me but down the road wants more out of the relationship than I can give her and so we breakup and it would not be the same trying to accept a demotion back to friends.

[Gloria25]

When I say marriage I do not necessarily mean the legal document but I mean living like a married couple. You are right it is more common for couples to live together without a marriage license these days but it is still the norm for couples to do everything like they are married.

 

Most people still want to progress a relationship to a living together status. I am a rare breed in the sense of not wanting that kind of progression. When I say I only want to see my girlfriend twice a week that's a maximum. Sometimes I want it to be less than that.

 

When I think of all the possible scenarios in my head about my crush I begin thinking that okay even if I do succeed in getting her to go out with me then what's next? What if she ends up wanting more out of the relationship than I can give her such as more time together? Then this could lead to a hurtful ending for both of us and possibly ruin the current friendship we already have built over the last 12 years.

 

So that also answers the question that some are asking when they ask me dude what do you have to lose just ask her out already? I have alot to lose really. It goes much deeper than just risking a rejection but also risking the friendship altogether. Either she doesn't have feelings for me and then she feels uncomfortable being my friend because she knows I like her or she wants me but down the road wants more out of the relationship than I can give her and so we breakup and it would not be the same trying to accept a demotion back to friends.

 

Well, hopefully by being friendly you can find out more about her and what she likes when it comes to dating. I mean, for example you guys could be chatting about a celebrity couple (i.e. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt) and be like "I thought they were happy just being together w/o the marriage"...and, hopefully she will respond and you get to find out what she wants when she dates...That way, hopefully before you make a move, you know what her views are on living together, marriage, etc.

 

I've never been married and never lived with a guy (or had a guy living with me)...And, cuz of the complications I've seen with "shack-ups", I think living with a guy you are dating isn't "progression" in a RL. I mean, even living with my mom is hard (and it's MY house).

 

About the whole "seeing" a gf twice a week or less. I've been there and done that - longest was about six years with one guy...But, I haven't been able to find a guy who would stick around for that...they start seeing other people or want more...and, I guess cuz I'm so independent, they don't feel needed - but they don't get that while I don't need them to pay my bills or do things for me, I still need "them" even if it is not like an every day thing.

 

Not sure if that makes sense and not sure if there are chicks like me out there...That's what also makes dating frustrating for me...cuz, since that guy I was with like for the 6 years, I haven't been able to find an arrangement that works for me OMG!!! I'm getting old. I remember having a convo with him, and he did say that the thing he liked about me is that I do my own thing (well, I can't remember his exact words).