Well, this turned out a bit weird!

[bikermice]

I'm currently in that stage where everything seems to be spinning, I'm not really sure if this is the right place for this kind of post, but such great advice is given out I figure there's no real harm in outlining my current situation and seeing what some of you folk think, it's going to be a long one so please bare with me, I figure it necessary to lay the whole deal down for any of you that are interested, may save answering too many questions also!

 

About six months ago, I found out about the hilarity that is Craigslist. Being English, we don't really know much about it here, though I'd heard of it, I'd never really given it a look until then.

 

I made a post in the personals, the strictly platonic section. I work a lot, as a business owner I don't have much free time, relationships have fallen apart because of this and I figured it would be fun to talk to someone new without that "dating" mark on it. It was never my intention to meet anyone romantically.

 

Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm English. I got a lot of responses to my ad, from all over the world, one of them stuck out, a young lady across the pond in America. She seemed nice, so I replied and we began chatting through email, after a day or two that progressed to talking verbally on skype. We got along very well quickly and soon both started dedicating large chunks of our days to talking to each other.

 

As it turned out, she was separated from her husband, had been for 6 months, with no intention of getting back together. He still had some things at her house, which was on a military base, and would come over from time to time, they were still friendly with each other, but she was pushing for a divorce. This didn't bother me so much, we continued talking and things started to get more personal, the more we spoke, the days went by naturally feelings developed.

 

We got to the point where we were talking nearly all day, and face timing in the evenings. About a month into it all I realized I was in trouble, she was the first to admit the deep feelings she had and I reciprocated, everything was great.

 

Some friends of mine were getting married. I had mentioned this girl to my friends, just in passing, telling them about what she did etc, they'd noticed something was up as I seemingly spoke about her all the time. The bride to be asked me, if she wanted to come to the wedding. This was amusing, I mentioned it to her in the evening and she got excited and wanted to come. Being in the Airforce, though a an officer, she went ahead and saw if it was even possible for her to get the clearance to leave the country for a few days to attend a wedding and at first I didn't think anything of it, I would be over the moon if she could come, but never actually expected her to be allowed, but when she called me after work she told me that somehow she'd been given clearance and was allowed to come. That night we looked at flights and that was it, she booked her flight and was coming to the wedding.

 

We decided that, as she was coming to England for only 4 days to attend, that it would be nice if I returned with her, I was excited about the idea, then she went ahead and booked and paid for my flight, to go back with her and stay for 4 weeks. I never asked her to, she just did it and refused to accept my reimbursement.

 

So, the weeks went by, things were great. I started noticing weird things. Sometimes on FaceTime, she would hang up, there would be knocks on her office door and she'd go. I knew her husband would be there from time to time, I didn't know to what extent, but I did notice the hanging up, to which she explained she didn't want him to see us talking, she was afraid of how he would react. He would go to her often, to talk about their marriage, he wanted to try to fix things, she would get stressed, and tell him their time was over etc etc. This was what I was lead to believe anyway. There would be times when she would just stop talking through text until the next morning and say she fell asleep, these on the few times where he was there in the evening.

 

As the final days came to when she was going to come over, I started to get a strange gut feeling, she would say how guilty she was, that she felt like a bad person for giving up on her marriage, even though the two of them were just functional roommates. She was moving his stuff out of the house for him, as he was taking his time doing so, she packed up his boxes and eventually got the last of them out just a couple of days before she was to come to England. Then she started to feel sad. Like the last of his boxes leaving the house made her feel bad, guilty about what was going on. She became quiet, didn't say much and I'd started to accept the fact that she probably wasn't to get on that plane, it just didn't seem likely. She wasn't sleeping properly and was just sad in general. He knew about me, so she said, he knew we spoke all the time.

 

She said that night before that she wasn't sure. That things were moving too fast, that perhaps we were crazy for doing this, that she didn't know if she was over her husband. That she was contemplating not coming. Or if she did, that she would come to attend the wedding and then go home alone, without me. This of course wasn't much of a shock to hear, my gut was telling me something wasn't right for a few days. I did what I could to calm her down, to tell her that if she wanted to slow things down, that's fine. she didn't need to worry.

 

The day came, and she got on the plane, it's not like we started talking less, we still were just as affectionate with each other as we had been building up to this, I put it down to nerves. She was very nervous that I wouldn't like her in person, that I wouldn't want her. She kept mentioning it and I kept reassuring her.

 

So she came, and things were wonderful, just as we thought it would be, the wedding was excellent, we were stuck together like glue, she made a huge effort with all of my friends and we had an amazing few days, just like we had spoken about, everything was perfect and it seemed like everything would work out just as we had hoped and spoken about. I did go back with her to America, and the days were exciting and fun, we got along so very well, the conversation flowed naturally and the bedroom antics were perfect, we were made for each other. Her husband was most certainly moved out, not one thing of his were there and for 2 weeks I thought this really was the start of something great.

 

Little things would happen that would keep her nervous. She would be wary of noises when we were in bed. She would check that there wasn't another car in her garage before we pulled in, and just anxious in general that her husband would just stop by, as he still had access to the military base she lived on. He never did stop by.

 

Now things were perfect, every day was great, until I stumbled upon something that changed everything. I was servicing a laptop of hers that was in need of some cleaning. When I turned it on and opened the browser, it opened on gmail. She was at work at the time, I noticed at the top of the emails was her husbands name, and that of another guy who's name I had heard before. As with gmail, some of you may know the first few words included in the email are to the right of the senders name. Now I'm not a snoop, I had no intention of looking, but when the word "love" appears in both of them, my heart started racing and I had to look.

 

I read through the conversation with her husband. It was her telling him all about her trip to England. How she missed him terribly and loved him. All very lovey dovey. She mentioned that she was looking forward to hearing his voice when she got home, and also, to inform him that "Mike still wants to come back and see florida, just keeping you informed". As you can imagine, I was shocked. I didn't know what on earth was going on, I was shaking, pacing around and saying expletives out loud. I should mention that this girl is going on military deployment in October for 6 months. I returned from this trip 4 days ago now.

 

So, after that shock, I went on to read the other email conversation with the name I'd heard before, belonging to her oldest friend and ex boyfriend. They've been friends for over half her life (she's 29) and she's told me about him before. The content of this email was equally as alarming. They were discussing moving in together after her deployment, how much they missed each other and as you can imagine, it went on for a while along those lines. He'd recently moved a few states away for a job. The most alarming thing was, she mentioned that she tried to see him when she went back home last weekend (The first weekend I was there, she did go back to her parents a few hours away to attend a family function) but he didn't answer her! This of course was all insane to me. I didn't know what to do, I didn't understand why on earth I was there, what was the purpose of all of it, expressing love, coming to my friends wedding, bringing me back to America. I just was completely dumbfounded.

 

I couldn't wait, I had to text her and tell her that I'd seen parts of a conversation with her friend. I didn't tell her I'd seen it all. I told her I saw that she said she loved him and "ached for him". I don't know why I didn't tell her everything I saw, I felt incredibly uncomfortable about the whole situation really. Why I didn't just leave then I have no idea. I still had very strong feelings for this girl and was utterly confused. She came right home and explained to me that she was just talking to him, that she didn't use the right words and shouldn't have told him she loved him, basically did her best to explain it all, I told her I understood, but of course knew the full story, I had to know what this girl was up to, she seemed very scared and worried that I didn't think she cared for me, and wanted me to be reassured that she loved me. She went back to work, and I stirred on it all for a while.

 

I opened up her iPad for something completely unrelated to see he'd sent her messages, which I read, and for the hell of it, responded to, telling him that I was her boyfriend. He explained he knew nothing about me, and apologized and wished me the best of luck and said goodbye.

 

I never did tell her, and still haven't told her I read what she said to her husband. But the days went by and we had a lot of fun together, putting all that junk aside, we got on so well, went and stayed with one of her friends and went to a beer festival and met a lot of her work colleagues, in front of all of them we acted like a couple, kissing and cuddling, she didn't hide anything. Our days together were great, and she expressed her love for me every day, we spoke about things as big as children, about her getting reassigned to England after her deployment, she actually spoke to her commander that said he could make it happen if that is what she wants, I know she did all this, I saw the proof. Which made everything so much more confusing.

 

As the days went by, I'll admit, I kept checking the emails. She would have conversations with both men, apologizing to her friend that I saw his messages, and they continued to talk about finding a place together when she was back from deployment, pet friendly to accommodate her pets. As well as talking to her husband, with the same loving things. She was coming up to her final 2 weeks before deployment, and was asking her husband what he wanted to do with her week off before her final week at work before deploying, telling him that he could do anything they want and she was looking forward to having him home. It was all crazy, I could help but want to find out what was going on.

 

I should mention that regardless, I am very much into this woman, as she is to me, or so she says. She wants to get married, have children and go the whole nine yards. And another kicker, is she wanted to get tattoo's. On the underside of the ring fingers, so that we knew they were there and nobody else. This idea morphed into words on the underside of our wrists. Which we did in fact get done. A few words, in each others handwriting no less, on our wrists.

 

You may be asking yourself, why on earth did you get a tattoo done for a girl when you have no idea what's going on or what is being played here. The answer is, I may be a fool, but the time we had together was amazing, and I am very much in love with her, even now...and tattoo's can always be covered up

 

She took pictures of the tattoo's sent to a few of her friends, including the friend she was emailing. I read the conversation, some parts I had missed. She had told him, and he was under the impression that I and her had split when they started talking again, that I had left and that she was then his. She told him she felt bad asking me to leave when we'd made plans for me to stay for 4 weeks. That I'd gone to get the tattoo with her, but that we hadn't even slept together. Which of course was not true. The guy seemed to accept it and they went on to talk about other future things.

 

I spent the last couple of days just deciding to go with the flow, she never changed how she acted with me, confessed her deep feelings all the time, reassuring me that she was not talking to that guy anymore, that I was hers, that she loved me. Of course I knew she was still talking to him, which made it all so weird.

 

I should point out that this is a professional physician. She is a well educated seemingly level headed girl. She genuinely is in a lot of pain at the state of her marriage that did fall apart after she had a miscarriage. We would speak about it and you could see the pain in her face when she spoke about it, how her husband went silent as she was in pain in the bathroom miscarrying, how he wouldn't have sex with her afterwards. I don't doubt that she did love this man, but even talking to her friends, he failed her big time, which lead to her filing for divorce and him not yet signing.

 

I'll never know what it is he really says to her in person, she would always tell me that he wants to be with her, and she doesn't want him. She insists she wants to marry me after the divorce, and wants to be with me. He would apparently say that she is his wife, and he wants to be with her all the time. It's so weird, I have no idea. Now I am not there, and she's told me he's taken 2 weeks off of work, to spend time with her, she says she is not happy about it. She has gone to stay with her parents for a week, I am not sure if he's with her or not.

 

Her talking hasn't changed since I got home, she still talks all the time, says the same things, wants the same things. I was all expecting her to break it off when I got home, but nothing has changed, she bought a joint journal where we each answer a question every day for three years and is always wanting to do it each night. The girl in now known by my family. my friends, everyone knows her. She baked and cake for my grandmother, and included a letter, which told her how much she was going to miss me and was already missing me, and how she looked forward to meeting my grandmother. She's made close friends with one of my female friends, they talk all the time, she's very open to her about her feelings for me, and her future plans.

 

This is what I just don't understand. Why is this girl getting so ingrained in my life, my family and my friends. Putting pictures up on my facebook (She doesn't have her own, she disabled it not long after we met) My profile picture to me and her. Letting everyone out there know we are a couple. Except her family, they don't even know I exist. A few of her friends do, including her best friend, so at least some people know. She would ask what my friends say about her, what the comments were on facebook at our picture together. It's all just so confusing.

 

She's quiet now, at her mothers. And I can only assume that's because her husband is there too. I'm wracking my head around what it is she's playing at, what it is she's doing with me and more importantly why.

 

Is she trying to keep things mellow before she goes on her deployment? not wanting to rock the boat? her family know he's moved out and they are separated. She hasn't worn her wedding ring all year, I know that to be true. I've given her small hints, telling her she can tell me anything, no matter what, that I know things are very difficult and stressful for her, but that I'm here for her and I'm sure she has a plan, an idea of what she's doing.

 

I know this has been a huge post, and I appreciate any of you folk that have managed to read it all. I'd really like some input or advice. I know it's a crazy situation with lots of very weird things included. But what do you think is going on? She still tells me all the time how she wants everything with me. The girl got a tattoo of my writing on her wrist. I know there are many options I could take, I do genuinely have very strong feelings for her and keep telling myself she must have some reason for doing this. That she must really want me, as she hasn't changed anything since I've been back these days, and is visibly upset when we talk.

 

Anyone, anything please? help my mind!

[Assasda]

Think anyone will read this?

hahahahaha.

 

This long post just says that youre insecure man. Thats all

[bikermice]

Thanks for your input. You're right, I am very insecure about this whole situation hence why I came here and asked for people's opinions.

[angel.eyes]

So she's telling three different men, they're the only one she loves and the other two are history? And you believe her even after witnessing her tell the other guys that she's broken up with you and is deeply in love with them...and is making long-term plans with them?

 

Why do you want to remain in this craziness? Are there zero women in the UK? As you know, this will not end well for you.

[bikermice]

Heh, there are plenty of women here. That's for sure.

 

I am in the position now where I just have to know where this is going. I know eventually, if she does want to end things, I will have to tell her all I know and ask her why she did it. I've even gone so far as to collect up everything we've done to show the other two guys and even her family of my existence should things go bad. But I have this part of me that want's to believe I will end up with her, I don't know why. Maybe I'm a sap.

[angel.eyes]

Heh, there are plenty of women here. That's for sure.

Then why are you chasing after a married woman on a different continent with a boyfriend on the side, who's trawling on Craigslist?

 

I am in the position now where I just have to know where this is going.

Polygamy! Dr. Quinn and her brother-husbands. She'll add more to her harem with time.

 

I know eventually, if she does want to end things, I will have to tell her all I know and ask her why she did it.

Mmm, your disapproval after you've been dumped will matter because...?

She lied to your face the whole time you were dating, but after she dumps you, you expect her suddenly to be honest because...? What am I missing in this logic?

 

I've even gone so far as to collect up everything we've done to show the other two guys and even her family of my existence should things go bad.

You already emailed one boyfriend and told him you were her boyfriend. How did that work out? That's right, she told him you flew over to visit, got tattoos together, but had since broken up. She loved him deeply and couldn't wait to begin her life with him when she gets back from her deployment. Her husband is well aware that she flew over to your friend's wedding, but she missed him terribly and is still deeply in love with him...as she tells you she's divorcing her husband.

 

Recognize that juggling all three of you out in plain sight and keeping everyone semi-informed of each other is her cheating strategy. It's much safer and easier than trying to hide it all.

 

Worse case scenario should you try to screw things up for her with other men: you're the crazed ex who won't let go and keeps harassing her. Be careful you don't end up in a ditch somewhere when things go south.

 

But I have this part of me that want's to believe I will end up with her, I don't know why. Maybe I'm a sap.

Indeed you are. Based on the communications you've seen between her and the other two men, and given the fact that she's actively making elaborate long-term plans with at least one of them, not just with you, why do you think you would be her only special little snow flake?

 

She's probably back on Craigslist looking for the next member of her little club.

[smackie9]

She is a manipulator. Her tactics are lying, and minimizing. She knows what each of you desire, so she plays on that. She fills your head with what you want to hear, uses it as a veil, to distract you from her bad behavior. She does it because she gets something from each of you, whether it's emotional, sexual or financial. She has baited the hook very well, she has you in a such a hold that you refuse to let go. If she did sleep with her husband, and she basted you over with "forever love, marriage and children" you would convince yourself it never happened so you can keep your fantasy.

 

Step back and look at what you posted about what she tells you and what she does....it doesn't match up does it. Here's a tip, if it sounds too good to be true, it is.

 

Sorry you need to jump ship before it sinks.

[Arieswoman]

Biukermice,

I am sorry you are in this predictament but, sadly, you sound just

like a female friend of mine who invested years of her time in an American guy who was still married.

 

You have built this into a fantasy and you need to wake up and come out of it now.

You say that she is a professional physician who is smart and intelligent. So why is she using this Craigslist medium? She'll have plenty of opportunity to meet other health-care profesionals via conferences/seminars and other professional events. I don't even believe that she is a doctor/physician.

 

Stop all contact with this screwed-up user and move on.

[GemmaUK]

Wow!

 

She's nuts!

 

I agree she is a manipulator..and very good at it keeping all three of you going.

She is doing the exact same thing with you all and probably loving every moment of playing you all.

 

I think her behaviour has been so totally bizarre that you're hooked on the bizarreness and want to see what is going to happen next.

It's not likely to end well.

[bikermice]

Wow!

 

She's nuts!

 

I agree she is a manipulator..and very good at it keeping all three of you going.

She is doing the exact same thing with you all and probably loving every moment of playing you all.

 

I think her behaviour has been so totally bizarre that you're hooked on the bizarreness and want to see what is going to happen next.

It's not likely to end well.

 

You're right, Gemma. That's essentially what it is. I need to know where this is going purely because it dumbfounds me so much.

 

As for her work, she hasn't lied about anything like that, nor anything else she's told me, I've seen the proof to all of it. It's just the other men in her life she hasn't been honest about.

[Diezel]

Holy cow, run run run run runrunrunrunrurnrunrunr away from her.

 

Why are you putting up with this!?!?!?

 

"Love"!? Pfffffffffffffffffffffft.

[Gaeta]

This is going nowhere.

 

She is a liar, a manipulator, a player.

 

If you stay in this relationship you will constantly be wondering who else she is romancing. Don't kid yourself, if she breaks up with ex-husband and best friend she will then be back on Craigslist in search of new victims. Wait! she is probably still on Craigslist working her next cases.

[GemmaUK]

You're right, Gemma. That's essentially what it is. I need to know where this is going purely because it dumbfounds me so much.

 

As for her work, she hasn't lied about anything like that, nor anything else she's told me, I've seen the proof to all of it. It's just the other men in her life she hasn't been honest about.

 

You'll never figure this behaviour out.

You can always keep 'playing with it' but you seriously have to switch any feelings for her off and any moment things start to move toward you I would...leg it!

She is an expert and has probably been doing this for years.

[CaliGypsy]

It's not going anywhere.

 

Even on the slim to none chance you ended up together . Do you think you're going to be her one and only? Based on her actions,no.

 

It sucks that you were taken in by her initially. However, You know what she's about so, IF you continue with her it's shame on you.

[CharlieFox]

She is crazy, but you're even more crazy if you put up with that and believe even a word she's saying.

 

There will be NO happy ending to this story.

[longjohn]

That woman is mad, something isn't right in her head to be stringing along three men like that. I guess we know why her marriage failed.. or did it lol. If I where the OP I'd have emailed all the men involved a copy of the conversations she's had with the other men so all parties involved can run for the hills.

[bikermice]

That woman is mad, something isn't right in her head to be stringing along three men like that. I guess we know why her marriage failed.. or did it lol. If I where the OP I'd have emailed all the men involved a copy of the conversations she's had with the other men so all parties involved can run for the hills.

 

No doubt, I can assure you all, I'm not some blinded by love fool, I know this is all barmy, I have essentially emotionally detached myself from her as far as love goes. She's still a fun girl to talk to and we get along great, but all this behind the scenes stuff is very weird.

 

She was the victim of an abusive relationship several years back where the guy would basically force himself on her. That coupled with the miscarriage that lead to the downward spiral of her marriage has obviously had a negative effect on her, and it did go down hill, he did move out, she doesn't wear her ring and her family all know there are problems. But still she's keeping him close for whatever reason. It's like reading a book, I cannot put it down because I want to see where it's going!

[angel.eyes]

She was the victim of an abusive relationship several years back where the guy would basically force himself on her. That coupled with the miscarriage that lead to the downward spiral of her marriage has obviously had a negative effect on her, and it did go down hill, he did move out, she doesn't wear her ring and her family all know there are problems.

 

How do you know how these other men behaved? Any concrete evidence other than your charming, lying, cheating girlfriend's words? I'm not questioning that her pregnancy ended prematurely. What I'm leery of is her characterization of her husband and her description of his behavior. It's at odds with the communications you uncovered between them. What reasons do you think she gave her other boyfriend when she claimed she broke up with you?

 

But still she's keeping him close for whatever reason.

Hint: They are married. As you know, she continues to tell him how deeply she loves him and how much she misses him when they are apart. At any rate, there are way too many men in your relationship, don't you think?

 

It's like reading a book, I cannot put it down because I want to see where it's going!

We all rubber neck on the sidelines at the site of a car crash. Most of us, however, actively avoid being IN the totalled car. You, on the other hand, decided to hop into the car that was spinning out of control.

[angel.eyes]

BTW, did she close her FB account or are you just blocked?

 

I find it interesting that she's made sure that everyone in your life knows she's your girlfriend, but no one in her life, other than the other two men in this strange quadrangle, knows of you.

[ThorntonMelon]

But you know where it's going, don't you?

 

I'm confused here. What is it you don't know. You got played, and anyone would run to the hills.

[Diezel]

No doubt, I can assure you all, I'm not some blinded by love fool, I know this is all barmy, I have essentially emotionally detached myself from her as far as love goes. She's still a fun girl to talk to and we get along great, but all this behind the scenes stuff is very weird.

 

She was the victim of an abusive relationship several years back where the guy would basically force himself on her. That coupled with the miscarriage that lead to the downward spiral of her marriage has obviously had a negative effect on her, and it did go down hill, he did move out, she doesn't wear her ring and her family all know there are problems. But still she's keeping him close for whatever reason. It's like reading a book, I cannot put it down because I want to see where it's going!

 

You're not some blinded by love fool? The thread says differently.

 

Oh, she has a bad past? That's what she told YOU. Who knows what stories she tells you and told the other guys. Seriously, how could you honestly believe ANYTHING she says at this point?

 

And to keep her around because you want to "see what happens next". BOLOGNA.

 

I bet somewhere deep inside, you believe and think you can be the guy who changes her for the better.

 

Would you stand in the middle of the train tracks to see if the train breaks in time, too?

[BlueIris]

You abrogate all responsibility for your own decisions and life by deciding to do nothing and "see what happens." By deciding to let her decide you've decided to be a puppet. See if you can go 20 days without contact so you can detox yourself. If it's true love and mutual, 20 days is nothing, right?

[angel.eyes]

If so, then it would probably be a good idea to confront her about the whole thing.

 

Tell her that you saw all of her emails, and then observe her reaction.

But, he did confront her! She had asked him to do some work on her computer and iPad. When he opened up the devices, her email account was up and the emails to her other boyfriend were there in plain sight for him to peruse. It wasn't that he was snooping. He told her he saw the exchange with the other boyfriend, but didn't mention that he also saw her exchanges with her husband.

 

She readily shares what she's doing or has done with one guy with the other two in the circle. She's cheating in plain sight.

 

From what I am understanding at least you are still the one being with her, while the other guys are just getting emails (for now).

Nope! He's on a different continent. The other two are in her backyard...a drive, not a long flight away. The OP has evidence that she travels to spend the weekend with them. There are also signs the husband probably comes by her place occasionally.

 

This reminds me of some of the true life stories on 48 Hours.

Edited September 26, 2014 by angel.eyes

[bikermice]

It really is like some true life story.

 

Just to clarify, I know this is doomed, I'm well aware. I know I'll eventually end up confronting her on everything. How she handles that will dictate if I tell the other men and show them everything, her family too.

 

I suppose the reason I came on here to spill all was just to get it out there and tell someone, anyone what was going on. I can't really tell my friends because quite frankly it would be humiliating and thus the anonymity of the internet is a good thing, I really do appreciate everyone's input however, it's all stuff I knew really, she's clearly up to some warped fantasy.

[bikermice]

To update, for those interested.

 

It's a week on, she's still not letting up. What's stranger is she's been talking to my friend and even my sister about her plans to be reassigned over here when she gets back from her deployment. This is so strange and awkward.

 

She hasn't changed anything, if anything she's become more affectionate and talking more. When friends ask me how everything is, I play it down, saying 6 months is a long time, I don't know where things will go, if anywhere. It's a shame really.

 

Still, what a story to tell.