Forgive your WS's who are remorseful.

[Popsicle]

That's a bit unfair. Many of us gave you detailed and heartfelt posts about how forgiving is simply not that easy or quick no matter how we want to do so and you come back with 'a bunch of BS's just won't forgive'.

 

You posted earlier about patterns being set. That will only happen if bothinh changes. Reconciliation is a dynamic process - it won't be the same 3 months from now, 6 months from now, a year from now. If a BS stays at the same level of anger and hurt, shows the same behaviours towards their WS, refuses to move on at all for that suggested period of 2 - 5 years, I agree that a very unhealthy pattern has been set and I would respectfully suggest both parties are wasting their time.

 

No no some of you were more open minded like yourself. I should have said that and it was nice to see. I think you have a better chance.

[kjohn]

OP, I agree with your premise and I get where you are coming from, but speaking from personal experience, forgiving, forgetting and moving forward with your marriage when there has been a breach of the marriage vows is SO MUCH easier said than done.

 

It is HARD WORK for the BS.

 

Three years prior to the end of my marriage, when I caught my ex cheating, there was an incident with another woman. I caught him in some wrongdoing, but there was never enough evidence to prove that he had actually cheated….although he was certainly going down that road.

 

I trusted my ex completely and refused to believe that he had it in him to cheat.

 

He told me a story about what was going on with this other woman that I desperately wanted to believe because I had no intention of leaving my marriage.

 

He was very remorseful. Did all the right things. Said all the right things, to try to fix the mess he had made.

 

In my heart I wanted to believe him, but in my mind I KNEW the story wasn't adding up.

 

I made the conscious decision that if I wanted to save my marriage I had to choose to believe him, so I made up my mind that I was going to believe that nothing had happened and that he was sorry and that he wanted to stay in our marriage - which is what he told me was the case.

 

The next year and a half was brutal on me.

 

My trust was never the same. I found myself being suspicious of everything…nt because I wanted to be, but because my mind just went there.

 

I never said anything to my ex, because I had told him that I had forgiven him and I didn't want to throw old wounds in his face. So I kept it to myself and just worked through it. I was constantly having to reason with myself and tell myself that I was just being overly suspicious…sometimes even paranoid.

 

It did get a little easier over time, as I began to learn to trust him again.

 

Then, 3 years later, he had an affair and we got divorced.

 

So all that hard work turned out to be for nothing.

 

Yes, if your spouse is remorseful and both of you want to save the marriage you should forgive, try to forget and move forward in your marriage.

 

But, in my opinion, this is a lot more difficult for the BS than it is for the WS, and sometimes it just comes back to bite you anyway.

 

Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves and their own individual situations, but I believe that a WS really has no idea the pain and agony they put their BS through. Not only the act of infidelity itself, but all the hard work that comes along with the forgiving and forgetting that they expect us to do with the snap of finger. It's not that easy.

[nightmare01]

This thread was made with remorseful WS's in mind. I get the feeling that most WS's referred to by BS's in this thread are not truly remorseful. I would also like to add that if one thinks their WS is a piece of trash like you allude to in your post, then that BS should without a doubt leave, NOT stick around. I honestly have no idea why a BS would stick around if they think this way about their WS for an extended time. To stay would be no better than the WS because it would staying be for the wrong reasons. (i.e. out of comfort, fear, obligation, not love)

 

[...]

 

I would say not more than a year (and that's a long time, stretching it). Longer than that and patterns are unconsciously set that have an effect on both people and the M.

 

I'm of the belief that there should be no time consideration when it comes to resolving and recovering from an affair. This is because it isn't the amount of time that matters, but what is done in that time that makes the difference.

 

There are just too many variables.

 

Type of affair (ONS to LTA), how it was discovered (confessed or BS walked in while their WS was having sex with the OP)? Also a LTA that goes on for years can destroy a lot of the memories the BS has of the M.

 

How long the WS takes to pull their head out of their ass? Some WS blame the BS for their choice to cheat, and that can really hamper any recovery. TT (trickle truth), blame shifting, fake remorse, all these can affect recovery negatively. Whether the full truth is disclosed about the affair. Then there's the possibility of the affair going underground while false reconciliation is in play.

 

Was the affair with a friend of the BS? or a relative? Were the kids introduced to the OP? and how much contact did they have with the OP? Was there sex in the marital bed?

 

What secrets about the BS were shared with the OP? The lever of emotional and physical infidelity are also considerations.

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD and am on meds for it. These help, but I still get triggers. My point here is to say that discovering an affair is deeply traumatic and life altering for the BS. Those effects will remain with the BS for many many years, in fact they may be permanent.

 

And yes, the personality types of the BS and WS play into all this as well.

 

So to say that it should all be resolved and forgiven in a year is really a stretch.

 

In all honesty I have to say that if the WS is not up to the task of dealing with all the fall-out of their affair, then really it should be THEM that leaves, not the BS. We were the faithful ones, if the WS does not value the gift of the offer of possible reconciliation then, frankly it would be best for the WS to get the hell out.

 

And really, let's face the truth. We BS were fools to trust our WS to the extent we did in the first place. Trust can return if the WS puts in the work to rebuild it, but that trust will never be what it was - and in reality it shouldn't be.

 

I trust my WW to some extent, but I have boundaries of what I will and will not accept regarding her behavior. Those boundaries are not intended to control her, instead they are intended to allow me to have control of my life.

 

WW had her LTA and kept it secret, and that stole my life from me. She controlled what I knew and so took away my ability to make informed decisions about my life. The boundaries I now have are intended to allow me to keep me informed regarding any future inappropriate relationship my WW has. She is completely free to have those relationships, but I am free to make a choice about my life should she do that. WW knows these boundaries and she is certainly free to D me and move on should she not want to live with them.

[nightmare01]

[...]

 

Yes, if your spouse is remorseful and both of you want to save the marriage you should forgive, try to forget and move forward in your marriage.

 

But, in my opinion, this is a lot more difficult for the BS than it is for the WS, and sometimes it just comes back to bite you anyway.

 

Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves and their own individual situations, but I believe that a WS really has no idea the pain and agony they put their BS through. Not only the act of infidelity itself, but all the hard work that comes along with the forgiving and forgetting that they expect us to do with the snap of finger. It's not that easy.

 

kjohn I agree with everything except the forget part.

 

I view this like the old adage of "learn from history or you are bound to repeat it". I can forgive to an extent, but I will never forget. WW's LTA is a part of our M history, and a painful part to be sure. To forget it would be to forget the lesson learned, and I will not do that.

[Day.One]

Been wondering about this since she left. Now, as far as i know there's nothing going on (though obviously it does keep me awake at night), but if it turns out she's rolling around (on her back) in greener pastures, would/could i take her back if it was presented as an option?

 

I have a really hard time with adulterers. My ex back in the day (25 years ago) did it to me, my Step Dad did it to my Mum (for 5 years), my Uncle did it to my Aunt (for even longer), even my own kid has done it to his fiance (an attempted one night stand...UNDER MY ROOF!).

 

To me, it's the ultimate betrayal. A message that 'yeah, we're done' that can't be unwritten. Something that i feel so strongly about that i don't think i could move past it.

[Clay]

Staying with a cheater is never worth it...

 

 

Its not worth the fighting its just not worth any of it.

 

Find someone that will love you and treat you the way you treat them.

 

Life is so much better with them in the past.

 

 

There are far better people out there.