Tragedy tore us apart. I couldn't make her happy.

[breakupthrowaway663]

This is probably one of my last updates. I still feel the need to express myself on here and gather support, so bare with me.

 

I FINALLY feel some of the pain fading away. It's very subtle, but every day I care less and less about my ex. I'm falling out of love ever so slowly. It feels great, but it's a slow process with some rough patches still.

 

Recently, I caught word that my ex is now in fact in a relationship with the guy she met on Tinder. They've been together for some weeks now, and they've already had sex, which kills me inside. Sex was so special between us. We were each other's first so it rips me apart to know she's in another guy's bed. I don't know why I can't get over this hurdle.

 

Other than the sex part, it stings a bit to know she's already diving into a relationship. It's been 4 months now. Typically I would say that's plenty of time. But given what we had and what we went through I didn't think she would rush into another relationship. Is she just filling my hole? Can anybody predict what the heck is going on?

 

I broke NC (6 weeks in) to see how she was doing, and we had a pretty nice conversation. I ended it after an hour or so of catching up. She doesn't show any signs of having a hard time getting over me. But I'm glad she seems happy, even after everything she put me through.

 

Thanks for any input or supportive words you may have.

[Doglover0261]

Good to see you're moving on, it's tough but that's life. You win some and you lose some.

[hoping2heal]

Sorry but I disagree with your friends' perspective on this big time. There were no problems until her brother committed suicide. It is very unfair for them to take her response to grief and this tragedy as a sign that you "deserve better". She did not ask for this to happen and it is just unfair that she is being judged for her response.

 

That said, I can also empathize how just as she has suffered a personal tragedy, so have you as the person who loves her and the person affected by what she is doing.

 

No, you could not make her happy (in regards to this) and you never could, please understand that and do not hold yourself accountable. It is not a mark of failure or lack on your part. This is a deeply personal issue that only she can truly seek help from. It sounds like she is in big time self-destruct mode (not uncommon) and I do hope she is eventually able to get herself some help that she needs to process and deal with this and still have a life.

 

I don't have all the right answers anymore than the next guy but I think as hard as she is trying to push you away she needs you, and on the other hand it is not fair to you that you would be treated unkindly or like you are not needed. What is the right answer? I don't know but I think it is up to you decide how truly selfless you can be right now. You have to know all of this is about the death and none of it your relationship; there is a big difference when it is happening because two people are truly toxic or in an unhealthy dynamic.

[mightycpa]

What I think you're really suffering from is your sense of helplessness about your situation. You couldn't do anything about the suicide, you couldn't do anything about her reaction. You realize that you have absolutely no control over your situation, and that you also cannot fight or modify the events that have already happened.

 

I'm sure it's very frustrating, and I have to believe that this element of a complete inability to affect the situation helps to slow your healing. The best you can do is blame a dead guy, and that's not much help to you. Your only way out is complete acceptance of what you never wanted, never could imagine. That is not easy, and you may never get over the hurt completely. However, your heart will remember less and less, and it will leave the forefront of your mind. You'd do well not to "catch up" anymore. It's fine that you care for her, but you probably have to become your own priority for a while.

 

As to that regret about "our favorite restaurant" and other such nonsense, the one thing you have to stop doing is considering her feelings, real or imagined. They are no longer your worry. You shouldn't even consider what her reaction to your actions are or may be. You do what you want, where you want, without apology or regret. She's hurt by the fact you went to a favorite haunt with somebody else? Too bad. Hurt comes with the territory she's chosen. It doesn't matter if she is or is not to blame. She has to accept things out of her control just as much as you do.

 

We're all rooting for you. Good luck OP.

[xUnknown]

As an aside, friends keep telling me I will move onto someone better for me. They give me the whole she'll treat you so much better and I'm you can find someone so much more attractive (guys saying guy things). Do any of you have any experience with moving (after a similar experience as mine) on to someone who was a much better match for you?

 

 

She's rebounding. Let her go. She may not be showing how much she is hurting because she replaced you. But believe me, she is...and she will be even more when it doesn't work out. Don't take that approach. Give yourself time to heal.

[xUnknown]

 

Some questions:

 

- Should the pain still feel so fresh? It's been 4 weeks but damn, each day is pretty tough. I feel deep roots of love being pulled.

 

- What do I make of her new guy in her life? I feel like she is leading a very unhealthy path. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't make any sense of it. She saw men while she said she still loved me.

 

- What are some positive things I can immediately do to help myself in this situation? Great hobbies that helped you guys, books, anything? I need her OFF MY MIND!

 

- Was my timing for NC okay? I waited 3 months because of the games that were played. Am I heading down the right path now (4 weeks NC)?

 

 

Thanks so much for the replies so far. They honestly have helped me more than you know. I will get through this stronger than I was before. Thanks again!!

 

-Its going to hurt for as long as it needs to. You loved her, you cared about her. But each day is a step in the right direction. You'll get there. Just keep your chin up.

 

-She's seeing these men as a rebound. Just as you went on a date to help forget about her, she's doing the same. You can't do anything about it. You have to let her learn the hard way. You have to keep looking forward.

 

-Honestly, I'm 3 weeks post breakup (things were rough for weeks before that) and I'm on tinder (as of about 2 weeks ago). Not to look for dating or hooking up, but more to rebuild my confidence and talking to girls. I make goals for myself when I go out on weekends, to get at least a number a night. You've gotta start small. But the way I see it, I'm being proactive. Getting out of my comfort zone a bit (3 years in a relationship its tough getting back into the dating game). Flirting, boosting my ego which was hurt. And when I'm over my ex, then I'll start dating. Rejection hurts, but when you learn to take rejection with a grain of salt (like asking a chick for her number), you get used to it and realize, hey, she just wasn't that into me - she's not the right one for me. Then, I start realizing, yeah, my ex wasn't the right one for me. I deserve someone better.

 

-Keep going NC. Heal yourself. Don't reach out to her or respond to any of her breadcrumbs.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Sorry but I disagree with your friends' perspective on this big time. There were no problems until her brother committed suicide. It is very unfair for them to take her response to grief and this tragedy as a sign that you "deserve better". She did not ask for this to happen and it is just unfair that she is being judged for her response.

 

My friends mostly are pained by her decisions she made post break-up. The way she treated me, mainly. I was used, plain and simple. I made the poor decision to attempt to fight for our relationship, and she used my response as an opportunity to emotionally and physically use me, and all kinds of other random acts like doing her homework. Do I feel unappreciated and abandoned? Yes in a way, but I need to remind myself I did those things as acts of kindness and love, not for anything in return, except maybe her love. It didn't work.

 

That said, I can also empathize how just as she has suffered a personal tragedy, so have you as the person who loves her and the person affected by what she is doing.

 

No, you could not make her happy (in regards to this) and you never could, please understand that and do not hold yourself accountable. It is not a mark of failure or lack on your part. This is a deeply personal issue that only she can truly seek help from. It sounds like she is in big time self-destruct mode (not uncommon) and I do hope she is eventually able to get herself some help that she needs to process and deal with this and still have a life.

 

Right, I try to not hold myself accountable. I'm trying my best. Why can't I just take everyone's advice? I believe the fact that she told me over and over that I wasn't doing enough and she wasn't happy because of ME. When I hear that from my best friend and lover I feel so worthless. And those words she said are on repeat in my head.

 

I had to juggle so much. My last semester of school, finding a job, finding a home, and her. It was for OUR future. She always wanted to be #1 and sometimes I dropped the ball. I feel so awful about it.

 

I don't have all the right answers anymore than the next guy but I think as hard as she is trying to push you away she needs you, and on the other hand it is not fair to you that you would be treated unkindly or like you are not needed. What is the right answer? I don't know but I think it is up to you decide how truly selfless you can be right now. You have to know all of this is about the death and none of it your relationship; there is a big difference when it is happening because two people are truly toxic or in an unhealthy dynamic.

 

Oh man, I haven't heard advice like this before. If she needs me, what on Earth do I do? I would seriously do anything for this woman, and I have tried to do so much.

 

I don't know what I could do. Her family despises me. She probably doesn't think much of me anymore (but who knows I guess). Post break-up I tried to be there for her but because of her behavior I just couldn't take the pain to a point. Because of the pain I tried to fix "us" when it was her who needed fixing. Gah, I've made so many mistakes.. I just wish she could see the effort I made. Because of the reasons she gave me, it leads me to believe it isn't all about the death.

 

I tried and I'm not sure how I could go back. And now she is with someone else. The cards I'm dealt are not looking so good, but if she needs my help I can try my best.

 

Not a day goes by I wish I could thank her for everything she did, text her about one of our romantic memories, or something of that nature. Life likes to throw some nasty curve balls sometimes doesn't it?

[breakupthrowaway663]

What I think you're really suffering from is your sense of helplessness about your situation. You couldn't do anything about the suicide, you couldn't do anything about her reaction. You realize that you have absolutely no control over your situation, and that you also cannot fight or modify the events that have already happened.

 

I think my main problem is my helplessness in this situation, but my obsession with my mistakes and what I could have done to fix it.

 

I'm sure it's very frustrating, and I have to believe that this element of a complete inability to affect the situation helps to slow your healing. The best you can do is blame a dead guy, and that's not much help to you. Your only way out is complete acceptance of what you never wanted, never could imagine. That is not easy, and you may never get over the hurt completely. However, your heart will remember less and less, and it will leave the forefront of your mind. You'd do well not to "catch up" anymore. It's fine that you care for her, but you probably have to become your own priority for a while.

 

Yeah, crazy to think we both didn't have a doubt in our mind we would get married and raise a family together. Oh how fast she has moved on from that idea. Ouch.

 

I'm so used to focusing on her. When I focused on me it was things I absolutely needed to do -- school, find a job, etc.

 

As to that regret about "our favorite restaurant" and other such nonsense, the one thing you have to stop doing is considering her feelings, real or imagined. They are no longer your worry. You shouldn't even consider what her reaction to your actions are or may be. You do what you want, where you want, without apology or regret. She's hurt by the fact you went to a favorite haunt with somebody else? Too bad. Hurt comes with the territory she's chosen. It doesn't matter if she is or is not to blame. She has to accept things out of her control just as much as you do.

 

I need to definitely work on this. Emotional me somehow believes "mistakes" like that are part of the reason she never came back. Logical me is telling me there is probably nothing I could have done. Emotional me seems to win most of the time.

 

We're all rooting for you. Good luck OP.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate. Every post pushes me further and further in the right direction.

[breakupthrowaway663]

She's rebounding. Let her go. She may not be showing how much she is hurting because she replaced you. But believe me, she is...and she will be even more when it doesn't work out. Don't take that approach. Give yourself time to heal.

 

-She's seeing these men as a rebound. Just as you went on a date to help forget about her, she's doing the same. You can't do anything about it. You have to let her learn the hard way. You have to keep looking forward.

 

How are you so sure about this? She's in a full blown relationship now, 4 months after our breakup, and 1 month after me fully letting go (NC).

 

When we caught up on Sunday she showed zero emotion, like she had completely moved on and is happy. On the other hand, we had a very serious, intimate relationship. We were sure we would spend the rest of our days together. Her post-breakup behavior showed both hands. One day she said she really missed me, the next she wanted to move on.

 

I'll try my best! I feel really empty inside and it's not easy.

 

-Keep going NC. Heal yourself. Don't reach out to her or respond to any of her breadcrumbs.

 

The bread crumbs seem to be over. NC seems like the best option right now. I'll keep at it.

 

-Its going to hurt for as long as it needs to. You loved her, you cared about her. But each day is a step in the right direction. You'll get there. Just keep your chin up.

 

Thanks for the support, I'll get there!

[breakupthrowaway663]

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies.. thank you so much for the support everyone. I made sure to reply to all of you! Every post helps so much.

 

 

Lately I've still been having way too trouble dealing with my ex sleeping in another man's bed. Like I've said, we were each other's firsts, and sex was love to us. It was absolute intimacy. We waited until we felt sure we would spend the rest of our lives together before we decided to have sex for the first time.

 

And now she is already banging this guy she's in a relationship with. I think I equate that level of intimacy and love we had with what she must be experiencing with this new man, and I'm left with disbelief.

 

The reason I know this is because on Sunday when I caught up to her I eventually reached the point in the conversation where I stupidly asked if they are sleeping together. Her reply was "that's none of your business". Knowing her, that means yes they sure are. It was a silly thing to ask I know, but realize I'm emotionally distressed.

 

I don't know what's more ridiculous, my inability to cope with her sleeping with someone else, or the fact that she slept with the first guy who is giving her attention. I need to figure out a way to stop torturing myself. It's getting way out of hand, and I know it probably sounds ridiculous. I'm considering some serious psychotherapy. I've feel mentally screwed up because of the suicide and breakup. So much shock in such little time.

 

 

Once again, thanks everyone. You are all incredible.

Edited October 23, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[d0nnivain]

I think therapy for you is a good idea. This woman put your world in a blender & pushed puree. You need somebody to help you stop spinning but I think you are on the right track, fwiw.

[No Limit]

the fact that she slept with the first guy who is giving her attention

 

... is the fact why he's a rebound.

 

It doesn't matter either way. She doesn't matter. Stop focusing on what she does; she has a long life ahead of her, and you too. It's not always going to stay the same. Besides, you can't seriously expect someone who's had a twist in their mind like your ex to experience real intimate sex anytime soon.

 

As already mentioned, get therapy to help you to cope with it if need be. She's not your life, she's not even important to your life. Think of her as a number among the rest of your hookups; sure, being No. 1 she'll always be somewhat special to you, but she's nowhere even near of being her. And with her I mean your future girlfriend, and someday even your future wife, who truly can't imagine her life without you.

 

You put her on a pedestal, but she isn't even fit to apply for that spot. Not even for number 2 or 3 or 4.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I think therapy for you is a good idea. This woman put your world in a blender & pushed puree. You need somebody to help you stop spinning but I think you are on the right track, fwiw.

 

That's a good way to describe it . My friends have been pretty great, and I have been seeing a therapist. But I am about to see a new one. I'll see how it goes.

 

... is the fact why he's a rebound.

 

Yeah, it's just strange that I know she posts pictures with him and talks about how happy she is now. I want her to be happy but this is all so fast. For me it's hard to cope with thoughts like "How does he make her happy but I couldn't?", "What did I do wrong that he's doing right?".

 

It doesn't matter either way. She doesn't matter. Stop focusing on what she does; she has a long life ahead of her, and you too. It's not always going to stay the same. Besides, you can't seriously expect someone who's had a twist in their mind like your ex to experience real intimate sex anytime soon.

 

I believe it's the blame she put on me that keeps me from focusing on myself. What she said was hurtful and I took it to heart because I always tried improving for her. Was what she said just blame? Most of the time I think not.

 

I'm working on focusing more on myself. I'm going to try my best to emerge from this a better, stronger person. Getting through the guild is step 1.

 

As already mentioned, get therapy to help you to cope with it if need be. She's not your life, she's not even important to your life. Think of her as a number among the rest of your hookups; sure, being No. 1 she'll always be somewhat special to you, but she's nowhere even near of being her. And with her I mean your future girlfriend, and someday even your future wife, who truly can't imagine her life without you.

 

You put her on a pedestal, but she isn't even fit to apply for that spot. Not even for number 2 or 3 or 4.

 

Good point. I'm young and have a long road ahead of me. I can't let her impede my path anymore.

 

Thanks, I'm looking forward to the day I meet that woman. Could it come sooner than later, please ?

 

How crazy in love she was with me and the things she said about us and wanting to spend the rest of her life with me only made this harder in the end. I get that "So what happened to that?" feeling. Then it goes back to the blame. Vicious cycle I'll tell ya. She's not number 1 anymore, like you said. And everything she said to me and what we had is just something I have to forget about, and take off that pedestal.

 

Yeah, I have to stop caring. The love is still there and it's a slow process. I'm still in shock and disbelief, even 4 months later. I'm keeping my chin up and my hopes high (even if it doesn't seem like it). Someone will come around eventually. Someone who will blow me away! Women can just move on faster and attract all kinds of attention. I need to take my time.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hi all. I thought I'd come back and share an update with you all since it has been a couple months.

 

Time really does do wonders. I feel almost completely healed. I still think of my ex often, but am content with the paths we have both chosen. One day I hope my bitterness fades completely and I can just be happy for her. She is still with the guy she met on Tinder. And although I still have her blocked, my friends tell me she still struggles with her brother's death more than anything.

 

We haven't talked in a long, long time. Maybe 5 months now? I can't imagine ever wanting to talk to her again, or her ever wanting to talk to me again. It's strange how a matter of months can turn best friends into mere memories.

 

For anyone who is experiencing what I went through (first and deep love. Break up out of your control), here is some advice. You need someone in your life who will fight like hell to be with you, and will hold you close in times of struggle. You deserve so much more for yourself than you realize. Time truly does heal. It took me months, but I'm happier now than I have been in years. Find a support system and use it. Most of all, turn inward, and rediscover yourself.

 

I'm still trying to figure out what I want (I'm only 22 after all), who I am, and how I can improve. That's my biggest struggle right now. I haven't been on my own like this in 4 years. I struggle to figure out who I am. But each day I try my best to keep growing as an individual.

 

Dating-wise, I have had my share of one night stands and flings, but at the moment I'm not seeing anyone. Nobody has sparked my interest yet. I'm also trying to figure out exactly what I want.